#ILL TELL IT AGAIN SINCE ITS TOPICAL IT WAS THE NIGHT OF MY SISTER'S WEDDING | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

finding--cat · 7 years

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Part I: The List 1.4

“Ugh. It’s all so expensive,” Rosen groans, closing the magazine and casting it aside. She picks up her mug of tea and, while cradling it to her chest, blows the steam away.

“It’s a wedding,” Ari points out. “Did you think it was going to be cheap?”

In the middle of the week, after Ari finishes a shift with Kalene, Rosen picks her up and takes her across the street to a café. She’s spent the day perusing bridal catalogues and says she wants Ari’s opinions. It takes the same amount of time for Ari to order them teas as it does to figure out that Rosen doesn’t want her opinions at all – she wants Ari’s approval.

“Kind of?” Rosen admits, barely sheepish. “Not cheap, but I guess I assumed Mom and Dad would chip in more than they are.”

Ari quirks her brows and lowers her eyes to the bridal magazine in front of her to save Rosen from her cynical expression. “They’re covering the dress, the photographer, and the booze. That’s a pretty substantial contribution.”

“Yeah, but think of how much else there is.”

“Well, it’s at the Hawley family farmhouse, so don’t tell me the venue’s breaking the bank.”

“Actually, it is,” Rosen says matter-of-factly. “Do you know how much work it takes to clear out and decorate a barn?”

Ari laughs, short but loud, drawing the attention of three women in line at cash. Ari covers her mouth to suppress another giggle. “Do you?” she throws back.

Rosen finds this less than funny. “I will. And so will you, because we’re starting work in the fall once the harvest’s done.”

“Goodie.”

“But that’s just the venue. The food will cost us a fortune.”

Ari pauses, her mug of tea held at her lips. “Please don’t tell me you’re slaughtering Hawley pigs.”

Rosen side-eyes her. “Of course not. Oh, but we are serving rack of lamb, so you’re either gonna have to eat it or figure something else out.”

When Rosen busies herself reopening the bridal magazine she set aside, Ari gives her the finger.

Too engrossed in the magazine, Rosen points to a particular article and scoffs. “This whole page is about selecting your wedding dinner music — I didn’t know I had to think about that. I haven’t even got our first dance song picked out yet. I’ve narrowed it down to Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, or Dierks Bentley.”

“What?”

“What do you think?”

Ari shrugs. “Are those country artists?”

“Obviously.”

Ari laughs again. This one prompts a frown from Rosen.

“I’m sorry, but since when do you love country music enough to give it the first dance at your wedding?”

“Since when have I not loved country music?” Rosen counters.

“Since freshman year of college when you went with Christian to see Slipknot in concert because it was, according to you, ‘the purest form of music’.”

If Ari’s memory serves her correctly, Rosen spent her eight-month relationship with Christian Pell in black. Her carefully selected Gap clothing was shoved to the back of her closet to make room for new picks from Hot Topic, and her black eyeliner was so thick she went through a pencil every few weeks. When they split at the end of first year, Rosen went back to flats and cardigans and blouses, and Ari never saw her vintage Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath shirts again.

“Ugh,” Rosen scoffs. “Why do you have to remember everything? I like country music now. Get over it.”

“Because Jackson likes country music,” Ari finishes for her.

“Because it’s romantic,” Rosen snaps, “and I want it at my wedding. Okay? Is that okay with you?”

“Mm hmm.” Ari mashes her lips together and doesn’t say another word.

“Oh, God,” Rosen says after another minute of reading the article, “there’s so much music to consider. What vibe do I want at the reception? What music plays when Jacks and I are introduced as husband and wife? What do I want guests to hear when I walk down the aisle?”

At that, Ari looks up. “Are you considering live music?”

Rosen tilts her head in contemplation. “I’d say yeah, but something tells me Beyonce only books two years in advance.”

“I mean for the ceremony. What about live music?”

“You mean like a harpist? I could walk down the aisle to a heavenly harp.” Rosen cocks her head in contemplation.

“Or maybe a guitarist,” Ari tries again. “He could play whatever you want and it would sound more authentic. More intimate.”

For once, Rosen takes her suggestion seriously. “That might be nice.”

“I might—” Ari begins, then thinks better of it and stops mid-sentence. But Rosen stares at her expectantly, and she feels pressured to continue. So she adds, “—know someone. I might know someone who could do that for you.”

“Someone from home?” The skeptic crease in Rosen’s forehead rules out that option. “Because I’m already concerned the motel across from Sherman’s is running out of rooms. I can’t fly anyone else out here.”

“No, not from home,” Ari assures her. “He… he lives here, actually. In Tillson City. Which would probably make Jackson happy, since you said he wants to keep the services for the wedding local.”

A bout of silence follows in which Ari’s positive she hears every individual coffee bean filter through the grinder behind the bar.

Finally, Rosen speaks. “You met someone here?”

“Yeah.” Ari doesn’t want to go into detail, so she quickly adds, “He’s a musician. He plays almost nightly at Sherman’s – I met him the night I went on the date with Luke.”

“Oh.” Satisfied by her explanation, Rosen shrugs her shoulders. “He plays weddings?”

“Yeah. He’s really good, too. So... it might be cool.” Ari hitches her breath, hoping she doesn’t sound like she’s pleading. After all, Linda said Niall’s picky with his performances – even if Rosen agrees, it doesn’t mean Niall will.

Rosen seems to like the idea, hemming and hawing as she drains her mug of tea. “Maybe,” she says. “I’ll think about it.”

Bringing her mug to her lips, Ari hides her smile.

Ari may or may not have (but definitely did) volunteer to assemble and arrange the picnic table in order to be nearest to the backyard entrance. The boys’ll come ‘round back, Jackson said, so she texted Niall to do the same.

“I feel bad for Luke, poor guy,” Rosen said earlier in the day, “coming into tonight thinking he’ll get a second date only to see you with another guy.”

“It’s not like I’m dating Niall,” Ari said while arranging a bundle of snipped sunflowers in a vase for the centrepiece. Pausing, she blinked before whipping her head in Rosen’s direction. “And it’s not like Luke and I were ever dating, either.”

Rosen responded with a heavy sigh. “Obviously I’m happy you found a friend. It’s just frustrating that you’re leading Luke on. It looks bad on me, too, you know.”

Ari had a lot of things to say about that, but instead, she decides to police the entrance to Jackson and Rosen’s barbecue to ensure she gets to Niall before her sister does.

Unfortunately, the slam of car doors and masculine guffawing beyond the gate means she’ll have to go through Luke first. He ribs another guy that Ari remembers as ‘Pike’, sending a haphazard punch to his chest and then chasing him up the gravel path. Another one of the friends (Schultz? Schafer? She can’t remember), walks slowly behind, his arm draped lazily around the shoulders of a girl popping bubblegum.

As Luke and his friend see Ari, their laughter fades and their pace decelerates to a collective walk. They let themselves in through the gate, Luke holding open the door for the remaining couple.

“Hey.” Ari extends a general greeting as she opens a plastic bag of napkins.

The two guys seem to recognize her and give small waves as they pass, with the girl grinning widely as she blows a bubble with her gum. Luke, to his credit, comes to a halt in front of Ari. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, almost endearingly demure until his eyes travel the length of her body like a tiger stalking its prey.

“Hey, cutie,” he drawls, head tilted to expose his cut jawline. He wears fitted navy cut-offs and a polo shirt, his feet bare in boating shoes. He belongs on the cover of an Abercrombie catalogue. And Ari, wearing one of Rosen’s high-necked striped tanks tucked into a pair of high-waisted black shorts, may just fit in right alongside him somehow.

Ari raises her brows but refuses to allow her upper lip to curl in revulsion. Instead, she brings a hand to her mouth to cough. “How are you?”

“Better after seeing you again.” He’s confident and cool, staring Ari down as if waiting for her to start grovelling. If he’d entered her life a year ago, she may have done just that. When her self-esteem was at its lowest, who’s to say she wouldn’t have been entirely persuaded by his ‘God’s gift to women’ aura?

“Can I get you a drink?” Ari asks at the same time Jackson asks the others, “Y’all want a brew?”

He shakes his head. “I’ll get it. Can I get you something?” He gives her no time to reply, suggesting, “Beer? Cider? Boys and I brought some coolers for the girls. They like that sugary shit.”

Ari shrugs and fakes a smile. “Not this girl.”

Luke’s grin is less conciliatory than smug. “Like that about you. Jacks said you were different from other girls.”

Ari cocks her head, spine stiffening. It’s a gross comment on Luke’s part, but she ignores it in favour of a more pressing thought. Of course Jackson spoke about her to Luke before they met – it only makes sense – but it’s unsettling all the same. Different? By ‘different’, Jackson meant ‘mentally ill’, not ‘unusual beverage preference’.

Does Luke know that?

It occurs to Ari that Luke may very well know. She glances around the patio to Jackson’s friends – three surrounding the grill, five standing in a circle laughing. They may all know about her. Rosen’s sick, fucked up sister who can’t be trusted to take care of herself, who can’t be trusted to be on her own, who wears their parents out with her special needs and has to live with her sister because everyone else needs a fucking break from her existence.

Her breath comes short as she returns to Luke. He’s a broad man, bigger boned and over six feet tall, and to Ari, he may as well be a brick house. Bigger than her in every way. Or maybe he’s not big at all; she’s just very, very small.

“But that’s cool,” Luke continues with a lazy shrug. “I like a challenge.”

Ari shakes her head slowly, brows tugged inward. “I’m not a challenge.”

He snorts. “So what are you, easy? ‘Cause I can work with that, too.”

“Nice,” she utters under her breath. She huffs and fixes her stare on him, refusing to give into the other eyes she feels upon her. Their eyes, Rosen’s eyes, the eyes of the world. “I’m not anything – not to you.”

He wiggles his brows, nostrils flaring as he sniffs. “’Least you could do is gimme a chance.”

The glares of others may be a source of her paranoia, but she can’t bear them anymore. She drops her gaze to the table and begins to fan out the napkins. It’s not in her to be direct or to say exactly what’s on her mind. She’s never the one with the scissors when it comes to cutting ties; she’s the one watching the rope from a distance waiting for the elements to erode it to dust, no matter how long it takes. She’d do the same here – she’d let Luke, in all his arrogance, believe they were involved until finally, one day, he accepted on his own terms that they weren’t – but Rosen’s voice echoes in her mind. She thinks Ari’s behaviour looks bad on her. This is Ari’s temporary home but Rosen’s permanent home. She needs to make friends. She needs to be liked.

So Ari needs to be different. She needs to use the scissors this time.

“I’m not interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship right now,” she says, eyes trained to the napkins. “I’m sorry if there were mixed signals or miscommunication, but it is what it is.”

“You sure?” Luke’s closer than she’d like him to be, nestled right next to her at the picnic table. “Your sister said you’ve been pretty lonely.”

That one stings like rubbing alcohol on an open wound. Ari nearly hisses at the singe but bites her lip instead, finding that it helps to tame the quiver. She arranges the condiments in order by colour, murmuring, “There are different kinds of loneliness.”

He hovers near her with a retort while Ari desperately thinks of a way to escape, to dart to the bathroom and run cold water over her flaming cheeks. Jackson has no idea the service he’s providing when he interrupts.

“Here, Brentwood,” he says, handing Luke an uncapped bottle of beer and slapping his shoulder. “Folks wanna hear your account of the Hokies massacre last week.”

“Epic,” Luke bursts, followed by a laugh. “Morgantown was the loudest I ever heard it. Best part was the three dudes streaking at halftime with WVU painted across their bodies…”

Ari gathers enough information to learn they’re discussing football – WVU is becoming a familiar acronym, and Jackson holds Sunday afternoon football sacred enough that it’s easy to put two and two together. All in all, Jackson did her a favour. Her shoulders deflate as Luke joins the group near the grill, waving his beer in the air as his storytelling excitement builds.

In her head, she counts the number of people present. Eight guests, plus Jackson, Rosen, and herself. It seems like everyone’s arrived and the grill is heated – she should go in and put the finishing touches on her potato salad and baked beans dish before bringing them out.

Stepping through the sliding door, she spots Rosen at the sink, still wearing her apron as she washes a stack of cutlery.

“Did you talk to Luke?” Rosen asks. No hi, how’s it going, did you meet anyone new?

Ari goes straight to the refrigerator. “Yep.” In other circumstances, she’d spare Rosen a glance, but not right now. Right now, that open wound still hisses from the sting.

With soapy hands, Rosen turns to follow Ari with her eyes. “Did you tell him…?”

“Yep.”

Long pause. “And?”

Ari shakes her head with a sigh. Balancing the two bowls in her arms, she crosses the kitchen and opens the sliding door with her foot. “It was fine.”

Then she’s gone, back into the abyss of people she doesn’t know but who know her – know the worst thing about her, the thing Jackson and Rosen certainly told them. That she’s lonely, sad, helpless. Ill.

She’s arranging the bowls on the table when a familiar face pops over the top of the gate and disappears just as quickly. Before she can react, the gate swings open to reveal Niall. Casual in skinny jeans, a red and black striped tee, and his signature black baseball cap, he juggles the door to the gate with his ankle because his arms are preoccupied by a gigantic watermelon.

… A watermelon.

Ari’s face breaks into a grin at the mere sight, and when Niall pretends to wipe a bead of sweat from his brow and genuinely comes close to dropping the enormous fruit, she can’t suppress a laugh.

“Hey! You made it.” She leaves the table as it is to greet him at the gate.

“Yeah.” Niall blinks, seemingly surprised by her statement. “’Course.”

“And you brought a… watermelon.” Her effort to maintain a straight face results in a snort.

“Yeah. I, uh, I wanted to bring something meatless, ‘cause I know you don’t eat meat. So…” he trails off, eyes darting from Ari to the watermelon and back again. When she covers her mouth with her fist to laugh, he dons a serious face and leans in close. “Is it stupid?”

“No! No, not at all. Here,” Ari says, helping him roll the watermelon from his arms to hers. “It’s an amazing barbecue food. You didn’t have to bring anything, is all.”

“Gram raised me never to arrive to a meal empty-handed.”

“You’ve definitely arrived with both hands full.”

He snorts. “My first idea was to bring pot brownies, but I wasn’t sure how well it’d go over. New crowd jitters, I guess.”

“I thought you went to high school with them?”

Niall presses his lips together and fights an eye roll. “Haven’t exactly kept in touch.”

Ari nods slowly and surveys the crowd surrounding the barbecue. Years and years after high school, it remains clear that Niall’s and Jackson’s friends are from different worlds. In their preppy style of dress, in the way they stick close to one another and peer over their shoulders at the incoming guest, they’re opposite of Niall’s casual wear and open, approachable personality.

“Come in with me,” she suggests, watermelon cradled to her stomach like a pregnant belly. “Gonna cut this up.”

Niall follows happily, giving a small wave but ultimately ignoring the huddled group shooting him confused glances and muting their voices to just above whispers.

Rosen, folding up her apron and checking her hair and complexion in the reflection of the mirror, looks over in surprise as Niall appears at the door. He holds it open for Ari, who barrels through with the watermelon and sets it down on the counter. While she begins to rifle through the drawers in search of a long knife, she says, “Rosen, this is Niall. Niall, this is my sister, Rosen.”

On autopilot, Rosen smoothes her hands over her jeans and then steps forward with one outstretched. “Hi, Niall. Nice to meet you.”

“And you,” he replies. “Can tell you’re sisters.”

“Really?” Rosen blinks. “Ari takes more after our dad than I do…”

“No, no,” Niall says quickly. With a shy grin, he adds, “Just… the accent. Not often we have more’n one New Yorker in Tillson City.”

“Oh.” Rosen’s shoulders relax and she smiles. “Well, in a couple months, it’ll just be me again. Wouldn’t want to disturb the balance of this little old town too much.”

Niall shrugs. “Eh. I say we could use a shake-up. We need some outside perspective.”

Outside perspective? With Rosen in her apron prepared to entertain Jackson’s friends for the evening, dreams of law school long forgotten, Ari’s not convinced Rosen cares as much for fresh perspective as she does adopting traditional gender roles.

There’s a satisfying squish as Ari slices into the watermelon. She looks over her shoulder with a grin to find Rosen’s gaze fixed to the guests outside and Niall’s on her.

Jackson’s announcement that the ribs are ready is met with a stir of excitement from the guests. They assemble into a single line behind the barbecue, each holding a paper plate and nearly salivating as they wait to be served. Beer in one hand and tongs in the other, Jackson proudly serves the meat.

“Get in line,” Ari urges Niall, who loads his plate with potato salad and baked beans at the picnic table.

He shakes his head. “Nah, ‘m good.”

“I’m told it’s not a true southern cookout without ribs.”

He pretends to scoff but isn’t able to hide his amusement. “Been to plenty of cookouts and I’ll be to plenty more. I’ll survive without the animal flesh.”

She bites her lip, taking one of Rosen’s homemade cheddar biscuits from the pile and setting it neatly on her plate. “You don’t have to hold out because of me. I’m not offended.”

He displays a toothy grin. “Still no.”

Once everyone has their main dish and moves to the picnic table, Ari and Niall find themselves without seats. The table is sturdy but small, and with everyone squeezed together, there’s no room.

“Ari, bring chairs from the kitchen,” Rosen instructs from her seat on the bench next to Luke. “You can put one on either end for you and Niall.”

One on either end? Ari glances at Niall, who moves his tongue along the inside of his cheek as if pushing words back down his throat.

“Okay,” she says, gesturing for Niall to follow her. To him, she whispers, “We can just eat on the step, if that’s okay?”

He agrees easily, so they flop down side-by-side on the stoop leading from the kitchen’s sliding door. Rosen looks over her shoulder in annoyance but doesn’t comment. Other than stray glances from members of the group, it’s like they’re forgotten entirely, which should maybe bother Ari more than it does.

“You have a lot of cookouts back home?” Niall asks, spinning corn on the cob between his hands before he cranes his neck to take a bite over his plate.

“In Long Island? Yeah. Well, in the summertime.”

“I guess that makes sense. Pretty cold here in winter too.”

“We have barbecues, though… not cookouts.”

Niall widens his eyes, but waits until he’s chewed and swallowed before asking, “What’s the difference?”

“We use the grill for hamburgers and hotdogs, mostly. I thought that’s what they’d be serving tonight until Rosen told me this morning that Jackson was deciding between ribs and pulled pork.”

He sets down his half-eaten cob and turns his palms face-up, greasy with butter. Still, Niall goes on, “Yeah, pork is a big feature down here, I guess. Not so much beef.”

“How come?”

“Dunno. Lotta farms ‘round here… lotta cows wandering around… maybe we’re sentimental.” He uses his knees in an attempt to shift the plate on his thighs but nearly drops everything before jerking in panic to save it all.

Laughing, Ari sets down her plate and fetches him a stack of napkins from the table. Niall takes them gratefully when she returns and begins to wipe his hands.

“It’s all the same to you anyway, isn’t it?” he asks.

“What’s all the same?”

“Pork, beef… you don’t eat it, right?”

Ari leafs through pasta salad with her plastic fork. “That’s recent, but yeah.”

“Oh, is it? When did you go veg?”

“A few months ago. Not long before my, um,” she stutters, pushing her hair over her shoulder and averting her eyes, “before my accident.”

“Oh.” Niall nods thoughtfully, comfortable to sit in silence. After several seconds, he asks, “What inspired you to give it a shot?”

She shrugs, sighing deeply. She musters a weak smile, able to meet his eyes because she trusts they won’t be burning through her. As expected, they’re not – Niall’s blue stare is searching and warm, but not judgmental.

“It was an item on my list,” she admits. “You know, the list I wrote to—”

“I know the list,” he interrupts with a grin.

“Right.” She presses her lips together, dimples appearing in her cheeks. “I wanted to make big changes. Replacing meat in a diet may seem hard, but it was the easiest item to check off my list. And checking something off, that made me feel good. You know what I mean?”

Licking his lips of a juicy bite of watermelon, he looks up like he’s been caught robbing a bank. “Not really,” he admits sheepishly. “’M not—I mean, I don’t make a lot of lists. Doesn’t mean I don’t respect it, though. I think it’s cool. I should try it.”

“Going vegetarian?”

“No. Yeah, I guess, but I meant making lists. Should use it like you do, to improve myself. Make myself better.”

Shrugging again, Ari nudges him playfully. “You’re pretty all right, aren’t you?”

He rolls his eyes dramatically.

She laughs and tries not to stiffen when the others look over. Niall, for his part, is good at avoiding their leering stares. Maybe it comes with performing in front of a crowd for a living.

“So did Rosen get it right? Is this a true West Virginia cookout?” she asks.

“Not bad, for a first try. Food’s good.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“No music, though.”

“Is there supposed to be?”

“Maybe not with this crowd.” He shrugs. “When me and my buddies get together, we try to get a few tunes going.”

“You all play together?”

“Yeah, definitely. No fun if someone’s sitting on the sidelines.”

“Hmm. Intriguing.” Ari winks. “We should’ve invited them.”

Niall cracks a grin. “That would’ve gone over well. My crowd – the misfits, if you will – we never really jived with these folks.”

It’s Ari’s turn to roll her eyes. “High school was a long time ago, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” he agrees, leaning back on the step to rest against his elbows, “but some things you don’t forget. Not in this town, anyway.”

Before Ari can inquire further, Rosen comes to stand before them, tapping her foot as she waits for them to make room for her to walk into the kitchen. Ari and Niall spread apart on the step, but it’s only as Rosen gives her a glare from beyond the glass door that Ari realizes she’s meant to assist with the cleanup.

“I’ll be a few minutes,” she says apologetically to Niall.

“Can I help?”

“No, no. You’re a guest. I’ll meet you back out here, okay?”

“Uh… okay.” He finally eyes the picnic table of his former peers as he hands her his empty plate. He uses his napkin to wipe his lips once more before crumpling it up and placing it on top. “Actually, can you meet me out front? I wanna show you something.”

“Sure. See you there. I’ll be quick.” She gives him one last fleeting smile before ducking inside.

Rosen hovers over the sink, scrubbing away.

“What can I do?” asks Ari.

Rosen gestures to the counters, loaded with dirty dishes, used paper plates and plastic cutlery, and general disarray.

“I’ll start with a trash bag,” she offers. While she opens up a fresh bag from the pantry and begins to stuff it with garbage, it’s hard not to take notice of Rosen’s increasingly tense posture, the way she scrubs pots and pans harder and harder. Ari’s mad at her – she’s allowed to be sore, especially after speaking with Luke – but still, she finds it within herself to ask, “You okay?”

“Why didn’t you guys bring out the kitchen chairs?” Rosen blurts out, like the question has been sitting on the tip of her tongue and bubbling over like lava for an hour. “You just sat alone, off in the corner.”

“You wanted us to split up on opposite ends of the picnic table. He’s my guest – that seemed unfair.”

“How are you gonna get to know anyone if you keep isolating yourself?”

“I am getting to know someone – Niall.”

“Maybe the rest of us want to get to know him, too.”

Ari grinds her teeth in exasperation, forcing herself to take a calming breath before she bites back. “I don’t know, Rosen. From the weird, awkward looks everyone was giving us during dinner, I kind of believe Niall’s side of the story that there are some lingering unpleasant memories from high school.”

“Oh, grow up.”

That does it. Ari refuses to reply and begins to throw plates and cutlery into the trash bag like a child.

Jackson enters to what can only be described as a scene: Ari noisily stomping around the kitchen, Rosen scrubbing so hard at the sink her arm must be entirely numb.

“Everything… good?” he asks carefully.

“Fine,” Rosen snaps. “Ari was just leaving to spend more time with Niall.”

“Is that what I was doing? Great. Will do. Here, Jackson.” She thrusts the trash bag into his arms and walks straight out of the kitchen and into the living room, pausing at the front door to slip on some shoes.

From where she stands crouched near the door, Ari hears the two of them hissing at one another in the kitchen.

“—don’t know why she would even invite him if she was gonna ignore us. Why not go somewhere else if they wanted to be alone?” Rosen complains.

“Who cares? Your sister’s your sister. Let her do her thing. Why are you so invested?”

“I’m not invested—”

“You are,” Jackson argues. “You think everyone didn’t notice you flirting out there with Luke? Like you were trying to get Ari’s attention?”

“I was not flirting with Luke—”

“And I don’t appreciate that, by the way.” His whisper turns jagged, cutting with every breath. “Those are my friends out there, you got that? I don’t care who you’re trying to make jealous or what you think you’re doing, you don’t come onto them in front of me. You show some respect.”

“Jacks, that’s the last thing I was trying to do—”

Ari slams the door. She doesn’t need to hear any more. And if they realize she was eavesdropping? Who cares.

On the front stoop, she pauses, closing her eyes to inhale another clearing breath. Air fills her lungs and expands her chest, and when she releases, she feels centered. It’s a yoga trick. She should do more yoga.

She should be more vigilant about checking it off on her list.

Where’s Niall? Ari opens her eyes to the tiny front yard, driveway and street loaded with cars… and no humans. Niall did say to meet him out here, didn’t he?

“Over here!” With an accompanying whistle, she glances right, where Niall’s truck is parked along the ditch. She grins, partly due to excitement and partly due to relief, and skips — genuinely skips — across the grass to join him.

Niall squats on the edge of the truck bed, the tailgate lowered and the bed hollowed out. He extends a hand and pulls Ari up without much effort, steadying her with hands on her hips when she rocks backward.

“Thanks,” she says breathlessly, taking in her surroundings. With a slight frown, she asks, “This is what you wanted to show me?”

He laughs. “Well, yeah. This.” He gestures to a trash bag quite similar to the one she’d filled in the kitchen, but opens it to reveal a number of throw pillows and a blanket. He guides Ari out of the way and spreads the blanket over the bed of the truck, setting up pillows on each end of the tailgate. Then he gestures her forward, giving her his hand for support as she lowers herself to a seated position against the pillows. He flops down beside her, but not before tossing her a can of beer he filched from Jackson’s cooler. He cracks one open for himself and tugs an acoustic guitar onto his lap.

“Am I about to get my own private concert?” she jokes. Her contagious smile is quick to infect Niall, who never looks quite complete to Ari without a massive grin on his face.

��If you play your cards right.”

She arches her brows. “I have cards, do I?”

He chuckles, averting his eyes as he fiddles with the tuning pegs. “You know you do.”

“I do?”

He rolls his eyes. “In case it wasn’t obvious, I don’t really go to a lot of weekend cookouts with former high school football jocks.”

She watches him pick a few strings and tune the instrument, her smile barely fading from its glimmer even though her stomach flips. “What kind of cards would you say I have? Two pairs? Straight flush?”

Niall looks up, unfazed. “All the spades.”

She blinks. “All the spades? What sort of poker hand is that?”

“Who says we’re playing poker?”

Talked into a corner, Ari’s lips part to grasp for words, but there are none. Before clamping her mouth shut, she retorts, “Do you always have pillows and blankets in your truck?”

He shrugs. “In the summer, yeah. Like to have ‘em just in case.”

“In case of a cookout?”

“Yeah.” His fingers leave the strings for a moment so he can take a gulp of beer. “Or a camping trip, or a long drive, or a nice sunset.”

“Or a girl you’re trying to woo with a romantic atmosphere?”

His cheeks flush the lightest shade of pink, but still he grins unabashedly and goes back to picking strings to the softest melody. “It is all about the company you keep,” he agrees, “but I haven’t woo-ed in a while.”

Cradling her beer between two hands, Ari asks, “Why is that?”

“Hard to, ‘round here. Hard to make any changes ‘round here, really. Everyone’s set in their ways. Nobody’s expecting a big career move or a new house or to see something new in someone they’ve known all their lives.”

Ari nods slowly. She’s beginning to recognize a tune he’s picking. “Did you woo in New York?”

“I did woo in New York.” He pauses to concentrate on Dust in the Wind, only picking his head up to briefly return, “Did you woo in New York?”

“I woo-ed in New York,” Ari repeats.

“When was the last time you woo-ed in New York?”

Ari gives a stilted laugh. “It’s been a few months since the wooing ended,” she admits. She takes a sip of beer, and it tastes stale in her mouth – more from thoughts of Louis than the beer itself. “But I don’t want to talk about that right now, if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Niall agrees easily. He cracks another lazy smile. “Withholding your spades?”

“For now. For tonight.” She licks her lips to sing along with the lyrics, “Dust in the wind.”

Niall is quick to join in: “All we are is dust in the wind.” He clears his throat and disguises a smile before looking off down the road to where the sun meets the horizon, a glowing pink orb surrounded by smoky orange sky. “Speaking of wooing…”

“Yeah?” Ari prompts, narrowing her eyes in amused suspicion.

“How’d your sister come across Jackson Hawley, anyhow?”

It’s not the question Ari was expecting, but she takes it in stride. “They met in school,” she explains. “She got into law school and was debating which strand to study. A mutual friend set them up on a coffee date so Rosen could ask questions before making her decision.”

Niall changes tune while he digests the information. “Two lawyers, huh?” He gives a low whistle. “Talk about a power couple.”

“Yeah. What could have been.”

He glances over, raising a brow.

“Rosen only did a year of law school.”

“Jackson didn’t do a good job convincing?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure.” Ari settles back against the pillows, taking a sip of beer before setting down the can. She folds her arms across her chest to keep herself warm as the sun dips below the trees. “The thing is, Rosen’s a really smart girl. She’s succeeded at everything she’s ever tried. She keeps her head down and works hard – if she’d finished her law degree, she would have kicked serious ass. No doubt.”

“Then how come she didn’t?”

Ari shrugs, clamping her lips shut to contain her suspicions. But it’s so easy out here, being away from the crowd, chatting with Niall, the soft music guiding their conversation and creating a calm atmosphere…

“Jacks was working as a clerk at one of the firms downtown. As soon as he put in his time, he was deadset on going back home and working for his father. However he and Rosen fell in love, it happened fast, and she prioritized their relationship over her career.”

“Huh.” Niall lets that sit for a while, humming a tune as he strums. While Ari burrows further into the pillows and tries in vain to warm her bare arms with her hands, he asks, “What does she do now?”

“Nothing since she’s been here. She says she’s looking for work, and I believe her… there just aren’t many opportunities for employment.”

“Yeah. Might have to go as far as Charleston to find something, really.”

“She’s holding out for an admin role at the firm. I know that’s what she’d like. So far, Jacks hasn’t come up with anything.”

“You really think she’d want something like that? They say mixing business and pleasure is never a good idea.”

“Says the man who plays his guitar for a living,” Ari says. She stretches her leg to nudge his thigh with her foot.

Niall grins cheekily. “I’m just saying that a husband and wife working together could be the greatest thing… or could be the worst thing. Not sure if there’s an in-between.”

“I think Rosen would love it,” Ari says, crooking the corner of her mouth in indecision. “When she’s involved in something, whether it’s a relationship or a school project, she’s all in. It’s Jackson I’m worried about.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know.” She presses her lips together and stares into the mouth of the beer can.

After a moment, Niall ceases his playing and looks over. “You do know. You’re just not saying it.”

Ari nods. With a sigh, she admits, “I worry that he wants a wife, not a life partner. He wants someone to stay at home and look after the kids, someone who’ll have the laundry done and dinner on the table by the time he’s off work. And if Rosen’s that kind of girl, then she’s not the girl I used to know. She’s not the sister I remember.”

Niall turns back to the sunset and resumes playing. He keeps his eyes on the fret board as he places his fingers. “Maybe people can change for the people they really love.”

“No,” Ari blurts out before she can stop herself, “maybe the people they love should love them back as who and what they are – even if that means compromising what they really want.”

“Is that love?” Niall returns. “Compromising what you want?”

“No. Love is acceptance.” When he doesn’t reply, she presses, “You don’t think so?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think you’re wrong, I just hope there’s more to it. For my sake, at least.”

Puzzled, she sits back against the pillows and waits for him to elaborate.

He doesn’t. Instead, he begins to sing. Ari joins in on the chorus of James Taylor’s Fire and Rain, a broad smile on her face and Niall’s cryptic comment long forgotten. Just the street stretching down the hill, leaves on the trees tinged in gold under the setting sun, and the gentle breeze.

“This is how it is with me and mine,” says Niall.

“What is?”

“Cookouts. Hangouts. Stuff like tonight. We talk, sure, but there’s always music. Something in the background to set the mood.”

“You still do that, even now, as adults?”

“Yeah. Everyone can do a little of something. When the high school band’s back together, we bring back the old stuff.”

“Zayn sings for you?” Ari guesses.

Niall nods matter-of-factly. “He can play a bit of the keyboard, too, but he was always the dude with the pipes.”

“You were okay to take a backseat on the vocals?”

He scoffs. “Me? I’m no frontman. Nothing wrong with going solo, but to me, being in a band’s better – and I’ve always admired the great ones. Pink Floyd, The Who, Sex Pistols, Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones… always wanted to be a part of something like that. Always wanted to make music with other people.”

“Do the other guys enjoy it as much?”

He shrugs absently. “Think so, yeah. We had a good time together.”

“Why don’t you get back together, then? Re-establish the band?”

“Nah. When it was done, it was done. They wanted to move on, distance themselves from music.” Niall hesitates, fingers frozen on the strings before his chin falls to his chest and he begins again. “Not me, though. Music is… it’s my favourite part of myself. I don’t want to forget that, or push it away.”

He pulls the body of the guitar closer to his stomach, cradling it protectively like a newborn. The next few chords he strums, the guitar might as well be a balloon and his fingers nothing but pins.

“Because then you’re not at home in your own skin,” Ari muses.

“Liking myself a little less every day,” Niall finishes. He glances over. “You know what that’s like?”

She doesn’t have to verbalize a reply to speak to Niall – he sees her affirmation in her calm stare, her fingers tightening around the can.

“I know what it’s like to not feel like myself. To feel detached, lost in my own head and unable to see over the walls of the maze to find my way out.” She hesitates, softly adding, “That’s why I have my list.”

“It brings you back?”

“No,” she says, deflating. “It just helps me from slipping too far and too fast.” After all, she’s been unmoored from her inner self so long that she couldn’t recognize the harbor even if her boat was docked.

Niall ponders this with a wave at another truck that whizzes by. He receives a honk in response. Catching Ari’s eye, he sighs in resignation. “I don’t want to have a list.”

She smacks her lips and averts her gaze, absently running her thumb over the lip of the can. “Yeah.”

“I don’t mean that it’s bad,” he’s quick to say, “I just mean… I want to keep my music. I can’t give it up, even if everyone else has. Even if they say I should get a real job and stop dicking around – this isn’t dicking around to me. Anything else I did would be insincere.”

A peaceful calm envelops them. It shouldn’t bother Ari, but it does. She should have a comment. A personal anecdote, perhaps, but what does she have to add? She lost her passions before she even recognized what they were. Niall’s luckier than he knows.

Maybe he sees that she’s deep in thought, brows furrowed and lips twisted, or maybe he notices the way she shivers every time the breeze comes through. Either way, Niall moves closer to her in the bed of the truck, scooting an inch or so every few moments until he’s right there next to her. He leans back to rifle through his bag of pillows and emerges with a throw. Before Ari can protest, he covers her with it and tucks it over her shoulders and under her chin.

“I don’t need it,” she insists, grasping the throw tighter around her and sinking into its warmth.

He smirks. “Very convincing.”

“Seriously, I’m—it’s summer, I’m fine.”

“’S what it’s here for.”

“I know, but I—”

“Baby, it’s cold outside,” he interrupts, strumming along with his jolly tune and easily picking up the melody on the guitar. “Take the damn throw – baby, it’s cold outside.”

“Niall, I honestly don’t need it—”

He’s quick to follow up with, “Baby, it’s cold outside.”

“Seriously!”

“No place for bare arms to hide…”

“Niall,” she giggles.

“Don’t want you to catch a chill – I’d be remiss if you froze and died,” he finishes the verse to a guffaw of laughter from Ari, who nods in approval and accepts the throw once and for all.

“Your improvisation is impressive,” she says in a giggle as Niall sets his guitar aside.

“So’s your laugh,” he returns in earnest, his eyes on her lips.

There are still faint rays of light peeking out above the trees, but Ari hopes the sun has set enough that he can’t see the colour rising to her cheeks.

When his eyes flicker to hers, he finds her stare fixed on him, watching thoughtfully.

“What?” he asks, ghost of a smile playing at his lips.

She places the back of her icy hand to one of her cheeks, surprised that it’s warming from his words and gaze alone. It’s easy with Niall. He’s handsome and friendly, and when she’s with him, there’s a perpetual glowing ball of warmth hovering above her ribcage and beaming all the way down to her toes. She didn’t know anyone could get inside her skin anymore. For so long, she was impenetrable. Even when she tried to open up, her soul clamped shut.

“It doesn’t bother you?” she asks, because she needs to know. “That I’m… like this?”

“Like what?” he asks, smile fading.

“That I’m… struggling,” she stammers, as if it hurts to say. “That I was on medication, that I’ve been exiled to West Virginia by my family. That I religiously stick to this list that keeps me sane.”

Niall shrugs, the curve of his mouth indicating that he’s in the midst of contemplation. He blinks. “Does it bother you that I’m from Middle-of-Nowhere, West Virginia? That I wasn’t part of the in-crowd in high school? That I never finished college and I get high with my grandpa?”

She rolls her eyes, chewing on her lip to bite back a smile.

“Gramps always says there are certain things we don’t get to choose about ourselves, so there’s no sense devoting too much time to worrying about them – or worrying about anyone else’s ‘set-in-stones’. Only thing we should mind ourselves with is who people are – their character.”

Nodding slowly, Ari replies, “Sounds wise enough.”

He shoulders up next to her, bouncing back against the plush pillows. “I needed to hear it a lot. In high school, anyway,” he explains. “There were some things about myself I didn’t like at the time. Things that used to keep me up at night. But I can’t change them, just like you can’t change what happened to you. So I look at you and see a success.”

Ari fights a laugh. “How so?”

“You made a change. Left behind what you knew and came down here to be with your sister.”

She scoffs. “That wasn’t really a choice.”

“Yes, it was.” His gaze burns. When she turns to him, his eyes are a sharp glacial pond in contrast to the pastel colours in the sky. “You chose to start fresh when you could have kept going down the same path. That list you keep – that’s your choice. Nobody’s making you abide by it.”

Block of lead in her chest, Ari gulps. “Thank you.”

“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know deep down,” Niall says with a shrug. “And to me, it’s exciting. You’re exciting.”

“I’m exciting?” A bubble of laughter gurgles in her throat, but she contains it so as not to offend him. Because he looks serious. Is he an idiot?

Thankfully, Niall laughs for her. She joins in. “Look, I’m from Boone County,” he explains. “The most exciting thing that’s happened here all summer is when Billy Brant’s prize pigs started a revolution and escaped from his farm. Cops had to close down the main road for half a day to round them all up. To meet someone new around here, someone who’s not stuck in the same old rut, doing the same thing they did the day before… that’s exciting to me.”

Ari nods to herself, envisioning life from Niall’s perspective. Perhaps she is an excitement. Maybe that explains the wary eyes of the locals when she wanders downtown and Luke’s agreeableness to go on a date with her before they’d even met. She’s new, and everyone else in Tillson City is not. It doesn’t mean anything to her, but it’s significant to Niall.

And to her, it’s significant that he’s out here serenading the sunset with her.

With a smile creeping onto her lips, she replies, “You’re exciting to me, too.”

Niall nods, though he asks, “Why?”

“Because…” she trails, eyes falling to her lap, “you’re the first person who’s told me without words that I’m not a lost cause.”

After a moment of silence, even the strings of Niall’s guitar cease to vibrate. Ari lifts her chin to find his eyes boring into her, shoulders moving in time with his breaths.

“Nobody really is,” he murmurs, “but even if someone was, it wouldn’t be you.”

She leans forward without prompting, without a verbal reply on the tip of her tongue. Though the air around them has her shrugging the blanket higher on her shoulders, between them the air crackles with heat. If their skin touched, there might be a spark, a little burst of lightning in the summer night.

She’s curious to test it out and see.

Niall takes his lip between his teeth as he leans into Ari, ducking his head to meet her but then pausing, eyelids fluttering. He licks his lips. “So, um… about Luke…”

Ari stays where she is, afraid of disturbing their balance even though the topic has gone awry. “I spoke to him tonight,” she breathes back.

“Yeah?”

“Mm. I, um, I made it clear that we’re not going past a first date, or whatever that was.”

“He didn’t cause you any trouble?”

“No. Not after I explained I’m not in a place to be dating someone right now.” Niall’s eyes widen ever so slightly. She sees him inch back, suddenly aware of how close they are. How they very nearly share the same breath. And though she knows she should shut up, stop talking, or fix what she’s said, she goes on. “My last relationship ended not too long ago. It was bad. It was bad for a long time, but it was worse after it was over. He was the last person I had – the last person who was in my life other than my family, and when he was gone, I was alone. And I don’t think I should have that again, that sort of contract or commitment with someone, because I don’t want to depend on anyone – and I can’t have anyone depend on me. I need to learn to rely on myself.”

He nods through it all, but when she’s done, he appears more confused.

“I didn’t tell Luke all that,” Ari blurts out, relieved Niall’s no longer close enough to feel the heat in her cheeks. “I didn’t tell him any of it. I just… I think Rosen got a little ahead of herself and wanted me to be one hundred percent back to normal right away. That’s why the whole thing with Luke happened, but it’s not happening anymore. He knows that now.”

“Oh.” Niall tightens his fingers on the neck of his guitar and sits back against the pillows, staring straight ahead.

Should she apologize and take it back? The words are on her tongue, because she’s instantly regretful of the loss of his warmth. But thoughts of Louis are rising in her brain like steam, fogging every mirror and windowpane, and she knows she can’t do to anyone what she did to him. No matter how she admires and enjoys Niall, it’s in his own best interest for her to keep a distance. Emotionally, at the very least.

“You are normal, by the way,” he adds softly. “Maybe just not her definition of the word.”

“Yeah,” says Ari, blank and monotone. “Maybe.”

“Good. So.” He swallows. “You’re off the hook.”

“Off the hook.”

“Cool. Look, I should probably get going. Good to settle into Sherman’s before everyone starts on their second round, especially on Fridays.”

Ari’s hand follows him when he pushes himself up, as if she intends to pull him back – but she doesn’t. She watches him hop down from the bed of the truck and turn to offer her his hand.

“Okay.”

“Thanks for the invite.”

“Of course. Glad you came.”

Ari takes his hand, which he then puts on his shoulder for support. She grips near the collar of his shirt on her descent from the truck bed, quickly dropping her hand when she’s safely on the ground.

“Sorry if that was weird,” she says, rolling her ankle and shaking her head as if ridding herself from a trance. “I didn’t think… I don’t know what we’re… doing here.”

“No weirdness,” Niall confirms. He clears his throat. “We’re friends, I hope. Friends?”

She nods eagerly.

But then they stand there. Facing each other. Hands at their sides, lost words on their lips.

Niall coughs again and pats himself down. He hears a jingle in the right pocket of his jeans and digs out his keys. “You doing anything on Sunday?”

“No. Why?”

She watches him pull together the pillows and blankets and stuff them haphazardly into the trash bag. “Know it’s not too exciting, but I got a standing date with Mickey on Sundays after church when Gram goes out with her Bridge friends. He’s asked about you – he’d be thrilled if you joined. No pressure, though. Just the tender feelings of an old man.”

Ari giggles. “No pressure?”

“None at all.” Acting like himself again, Niall shoots her an adorable grin.

“Maybe,” she says with a shrug, knowing that maybe definitely means yes.

“Maybe?” His brows pull together, sussing her out. If she’s as transparent as his expression implies, she may need to learn some new tricks. “Okay.” He throws the bag over his shoulder and makes his way to the driver’s seat. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.”

Ari backs up to the slant of the ditch, where she stands with one hand in her pocket and the other ready to wave. She jumps at the bang of the engine, but waves him off with a laugh.

There’s other laughter too, and it comes from the backyard where Jackson and his friends are drinking and dining. Ari can barely hear the sounds of shouts and giggles as she makes her way up the driveway, smiling to herself and heading inside to be alone with her thoughts.

Jackson’s friends leave well after midnight to choruses of “MOUNTAINEERS, YEE-UH!” and promises to return on Sunday afternoon for the game. If Ari was ever truly teetering on the fence of joining Niall at his grandparents’ house, she’s not anymore – she’s most certainly going.

Ari, who’s spent the remainder of the evening in her bedroom, exits quietly in her pajamas once the house is silent. Jackson and Rosen speak in low but argumentative tones in the kitchen. Ari ignores what seems to be yet another quarrel and heads to the bathroom across the hall to fill a cup with water. She returns to her room and douses the succulents, pleased that the one she’s called Herman has sprouted a new leaf. She’ll share the good news with Kalene tomorrow.

On her second trip to the bathroom to refill the cup for herself, Ari pauses at the top of the stairs when she hears her name from the kitchen below.

“There’s nothing Ari needs to know.”

Rosen’s voice is quickly followed by a scoff from Jackson. “Well, I’d speak to her about it if I were you.”

“Speak to her about what? What is there to say?”

“Let her know Horan’s not who she thinks he is.”

“Who is he, then?” Rosen demands.

Hand on the banister, Ari frowns. What does Jackson care?

“Look, I went to high school with him. I know things.”

“What things?” Rosen hisses, exasperated.

There’s a long silence. Ari’s about to shake it off and head to the bathroom when Jackson suddenly suggests, “Set her up with Luke instead.”

Ari’s eyeroll is met simultaneously with Rosen’s sigh. “She met Luke. They had a date. You didn’t want her to pursue it at first, and now she doesn’t want to pursue it – what else can I do? She likes Niall; he’s harmless.”

She should feel something in her chest for Rosen – warmth, affection, love – for sticking up for her. There’s a softening, certainly, but nothing strong enough for the tendrils of her heart to grasp. Still, after a cold evening with her sister, this is the nicest thing she could ask for.

“That’s what you think,” Jackson argues.

“So what? He’s not harmless?”

“Not by a long shot. Not if this is the game he’s playing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He can’t give her what Luke can.”

Rosen snaps, stomping her foot on the floor and demanding, “Jackson, what do you mean? Spell it out for me. What are you saying?”

“For fuck’s sake, Rosie, he’s a queer!”

Dead silence. Ari can’t even hear them breathing anymore. Jackson’s voice echoes in the kitchen and filters upstairs, reflecting off the walls into her head.

If there’s a response from Rosen or follow-up from Jackson, Ari doesn’t stick around to hear it. She slips back into her bedroom, cup un-filled, and closes the door.

#tls #my writing #1dff #niall horan fan fiction

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anxiousheart4 · 4 years

Text

Looking for a Lifeline!

I know it's been a while since I’ve posted in my own words, in fact it's been almost a year, I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been terrible at keeping up with journaling, so why would I think blogging would be any different? Lol.

If you haven’t noticed, I am a fan of TWLOHA and its message to everyone. I've always followed them, and they mean a great deal to me. So I hope in my absence, you’ve enjoyed the posts of theirs I've been sharing. 🙂

Anyways, I don’t have any really good excuse for while I haven’t posted for a long while (well I do between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, but not since then), and I even got a new laptop this year, that works SOOOO much better then my old, glitchy, slow ass one; so not having a computer can’t be my excuse. And I've had a lot of free time this Summer, so I can’t even say I was busy either. Basically no excuse, but I’m back; so lets catch up.

So, between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was working 4 jobs!

-Mon-Fri 8am-4pm at an office job that I hated.

-Sat & Sun at the Zoo taking kids photos with Santa

-And then Mon-Fri nights, I switched between working at my local GameStop, and helping at my other local Zoo taking Santa photos as well.

The office job I was working was doing bookkeeping at a nursing home. I met some nice residents there, and some mean ones. I met some nice co-workers, and some I didn’t quite get along with. There was 3 other girls in my office.

One was extremely nice and helpful, and patient with trying to teach me, I got along with her quite well. I would actually have conversations with her, and it felt like she did want to get to know me.

Another was the Boss’ wife, and she was nice and all, but also very intimidating, and she never made me feel welcomed; she would be having a conversation with the other 2 girls, but as soon as I tried to join the conversation it was like “we got to get back to work” and the conversation stopped.

And the last girl, I would have thought I would have gotten along with her so well, we have the same taste in music and tv shows, I was like oh yay we can bond! NOPE! I did everything she gave me to do, and asked me to do and it was never good enough, or fast enough, or competent enough, or just enough. She made me feel like a complete failure! And unless she needed me for something, it was like I didn’t even exist! She would go out for lunch, and ask the other 2 girls in the office if they wanted her to bring back anything, and she never even looked my way and asked me once, never! Seriously the best days at work were when she didn’t come in for some reason or another.

Besides the one girl, no one else ever tried to make me feel welcomed in the office, I spent 6 months of my life feeling like an outcast at work, looking for a lifeline, just trying to survive. Apparently the girls in the office went out after work and hung out together, not like I was ever invited to join and get to know them. Instead I went to the movie theater next to work where a friend of mine was a manager and would stop in to see her or go see a movie all by myself. The only time I was ever invited out with them was when they would go to lunch for someones birthday, and still I think that was mostly because every one split the bill evenly except the birthday girl (which I do approve of), so it was a little less money for everyone else. Only the one girl made me feel like I was actually welcomed, otherwise I just listened to their conversations, cause no one seemed to wanna include me. And Surprise Surprise! They never did anything for my birthday! They do all this stuff for the employees birthdays, bring in breakfast, go out to lunch, decorate their office, etc. all I got was a generic card they did for everyone “Happy Birthday from ’The Companies Name’”.

I think one thing that can make even the worst job in the world bearable, is your co workers. I’ve had some terrible jobs, but I had some awesome co workers, so I didn’t dread going to work as much everyday because I got to see them. Safe to say, most of my coworkers there never made me feel like a coworker, a friend, or anything else. I went to work everyday dreading the next 8 hours of my life. When I got let go, I never even said good bye to any of the other people who worked I the building, I only said good bye to the nice one in my office and that’s it. So the ONLY things I liked about the job, was that I got to sit down to work, and the money, oh the money! I miss the money soo bad! But the job gave me SOOO much stress and anxiety, idk if it was worth the money. 😞

Although, I was able to buy my new computer, a MacBook Air, and I have wanted a MacBook since I was in high school, I just could never afford it.

My other jobs, were pretty good, only minor complaints. But I LOVED my coworkers at the other 3 jobs! The biggest complaint was that I had no time to myself because I was so busy.

Gamestop was cool, after only being there for a couple weeks they interviewed me for a supervisor position, they believed I was competent enough! The only reason I didn’t take it, was cause I got the office job, and I couldn’t turn down the money (though now I wish I hadn’t, it would have saved me soo much stress and anxiety). So I stayed seasonal, so when the holiday season was over, my employment was over there.

The one Zoo I worked at during the week, I've worked at for years now, and I love it, and the guys who play Santa are sooo nice, I get some really nice guests, and 90% of the time everything goes smoothly, and I actually hang out with my coworkers outside of work!

The other Zoo I worked at Sat & Sun was pretty much the same as the first Zoo, I love my co workers, and actually hang out with them outside of work. The big complaint about that Zoo, was the guy who played Santa. HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He had an opinion on everything, and had a problem with how we run our business, and he wouldn’t even let the kids tell him what they wanted for Christmas. We told him we wanted to get a picture of the kids talking to him, and he would tell the kids to “look at him and PRETEND to tell him what they wanted” and then as soon as I took the photo, even if the kid was in the middle of something he would just kick the kid off his lap and move on to the next family. I’m sorry, but if I had kids, I would definitely NOT want them to go see that Santa! I don’t see how so many people line up to see him, and he’s been Santa at the Zoo for years! How has he not lost the Zoo business! But I still like my job, so I'm going back again this year! Lol

Anyways, so that was my holidays, as were coming up to another holiday, lol.

After the holidays, and my busy schedule, I went to Arizona and Mexico for 10 days, and it was AMAZING and relaxing, with only a few hiccups. Like an all inclusive resort without free wifi! What is that? I was gonna use wifi to check in with family back home, but that didn’t happen! And the the room was falling apart, and one of our rooms had bugs in it, and maids didn’t clean very well, like wtf kind of resort was this? But besides that, I got to see and hang out with my sister from another mister who lives in AZ and I don’t get to see often. We went line dancing, which was FANTASTIC! I got to spend my 29th birthday in Mexico, Florida, and AZ + flying over the states between! And with the time difference my birthday lasted 26 hours instead of 24! And I didn’t think about work once during the whole trip until they day I had to come back, and it was because I didn’t wanna come back and go to work!

WOW this is getting long, I'm sorry, only a couple more topics I need to talk out. Its been a very stressful year!

Well after I lost the office job, I've been pretty much Ubering for money, and not making too much of it. But all summer I got to spend weekends going to Bridal/Baby Showers, Weddings and family parties, which I've never really gotten to do before (well besides the weddings, I've never missed a family wedding), so that was awesome! And the weekends we didn’t have an parties, I went up north to my family’s summer home, which my parents just got about 2 years ago, and I’ve barely been able to go before. Which is soo much fun! Ice cream socials, the pool, bonfires, drinking games, bar hoping out on the boat! Nothing about it isn’t fun! So YAY!

If you remember, last November I moved in with my 93 year old grandma with dementia. This experience has been stressful. She spends her days trying to call her mother and grandmother, who are at the cemetery; pacing around the house; she puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher away and washes clean dishes twice; she sets the air conditioning and heat up to 80 degrees, I swear she’s trying to kill me. Its very hard, but I love her, and I love that I get this time to spend with her. And thank god for my mom who is only a call away to help with grandma when my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t deal with her atm, I wouldn’t survive this without her!

This week is going to try me though. I’m staying home all week with grandma, because she just had surgery. She had skin cancer on her nose, and they had to remove it. She’s fine, but she has a bandage on her nose that she isn’t suppose to take off, and yet she does like every time I look away, she’s not supposed to irritate it by touching it or blowing her nose, but she tries to blow her nose every 5 mins. And she’s suppose to sit down and relax with her head back so it doesn’t start bleeding again, I swear she won’t stay sitting if her life depended on it. Ill probably write more about living with her at a later date, but Ill leave it to that now.

Lastly, while I was sitting down writing the blog post, I got a call that just devastated me. My grandma on my other side, has been having some health issues the last week and it has not been looking good, I was going to go see her tomorrow night. Well my mom called me to let me know that she passed away tonight. She was 82 years old, and though she would technically be my step-grandma, she was the only one I ever knew on that side, and I loved her just the same. My dads mom died of tuberculosis probably about a decade before I was born, but my grandpa remarried an amazing woman, and some of my extended family had trouble accepting her (the cousins opinions, usually based on their parents, who probably thought she was trying to take their mothers place, like some kids react to a step mom), but I always saw her as grandma. What kills me is the last time I saw her, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye! It was my cousins wedding at the beginning of October, and even though I talked to her during the wedding, when she left that night, I was out on the dance floor or somewhere, and didn’t know she was leaving, so I never said goodbye. And now I'll never have the chance too!! I know she knew I loved her, and though her body was deteriorating, her mind was still has sharp as ever! She was a sweetheart! And my sister and I kept saying we were going to go visit her and bring her dinner, or watch the Blackhawks game with her, and as much as we said it, we barely ever went, and I really wish we had! She was an amazing woman and I’m so happy I got to call her Grandma, but I’m going to regret not spending more time with her when I could, especially near the end! When my Grandpa died, over 15 years ago, I had actually seen him the week before, and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye before I left. Plus he died 2 days after Christmas, and he used to give all the grand children $10 for Christmas (there was 29 of us at the time so for him that was still a lot of money), so I had gotten one last Christmas present from him, which I never spent. I have $10 just sitting in a jewelry box, because nothing ever seemed important enough to spend it on. And after he died I was given his guitar, which I still cherish! I fear I won’t have nothing but 1 picture with my grandma to remember her by. Its going to be hard to say goodbye! 😭

So since its 2 am, and I've been holding back tears while I've been writing this post, and my anxiety and depression will probably be bad this week, I think its time for me to go to bed. Sweet Dreams sweet readers!

#twloha towriteloveonherarms

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