#InVeritateVitaEst

[spoke-n-languish]

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. Discendo discimus.

I really have no way of knowing what anyone thinks of me or what they want from me… because not one person will speak honestly with me. I appreciate all of the work developing storylines and the myriad paths forward that you have presented for me to “Leap of Faith” down, but despite it all… it strikes me that still (despite all my mad rankings to the walls of this shithole prison that saddens and crushes me just for being present within it. But has it occurred to any of you “viewers” that I can’t (repeat for emphasis: CANNOT) do what you want me to and what I desperately desire to within the circumstances that you have put me in. It is not a preference choice like, “I have an allergy to cooked carrots… no, raw is fine - I’m only allergic to the cooked ones.” Clearly, made-up bullshit that we abide because we understand that (for whatever reason) they simply do not care for that option. What I have been trying to tell anyone but no one has heard, is that I cannot “take the plunge”, without some, any, maybe even just one tiny element of truth. This may sound petulant, or whiny to some, others I have heard say, “just look it up…everything is online if you would just try to look for yourself instead of having it spoon-fed to you like a baby.” This is not my issue… Because, as stated before, early on I detected that elements of data I perceived and currently try to filter through (with no other option) have been doctored, altered or just flat out fabricated, I have not been able to find any medium that was true. To add further clarification to the depth of illusion detected by the manipulations i toil under, let me list some of the mediums I am considering to be within this Decepti-Confidence Scam Set of things I currently hold to be untrustworthy (note: for me untrustworthy = not true, not real):

* Anything found online (including from social media sites, wiki or encyclopedia pages, medical journals, digital communication of any kind such as text or email)

* Anything heard or seen on the television (as this is another digital medium it also has proven to be quite malleable as a source of information)

* Phone conversations from unfamiliar voices (as without familiarity it is more difficult for me to qualify truths vs. falsehoods).

* Conversations overheard (typically intentionally) in passing.

* Conversations from familiar voices (sadly, every person I have spoken with has also been detected as being dishonest with me).

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Nimium ne crede colori.

*I feel this requires some more insight into my meaning. Yes, everyone, everywhere, lies all the time… that is inherent in the nature of communication as we all filter input through our belief systems so that any and all output is skewed from the Greater Truth which exists without perception only and in such fashion cannot exist. Also, I am not talking about all of the “little white lies” that exist to prevent shame, guilt, fear or pain - for others as well as ourselves. I am not referring to any stretching of truths about activities or events outside of those which are intended to influence my personal information (and therefore choices and actions). Yes, I have noted it in every single person I have talked to, sometimes subtle otherwise very brash and direct attempts to perpetuate this miasma of gas-lighting that permeates fully into every aspect of my life. It is intentional or at least cooperative psychological manipulation with the intention to control via filtration, alteration and inception the information that I receive as well as what I am able to send forth out into the community at large (such as it is). It is this factor I believe which has so deeply wounded my mental state as well as the very constitution of my sanity. What’s more I have also noticed the effective feedback derived from an assumption that I have been successfully misled whenever I delve at any level into exploring any of these presented misdirections… the ripples of which, increase in amplitude with each exploration with a palpable fervor of glee or excitement at “he’s falling for it”, or “we got him again”. What some may not realize is that in my dogmatic pursuit to unravel this knitted cocoon of deceits, imperfect truths and outright lies, that has snared me and binds me into the clichéd tangled web where I still struggle trying to free myself before I feel the dooming venom piercing into me. The toxic regret of living less than what could have been… should have been mine, if I’d only looked deeper, probed more fervently, or just blindly stumbled onto by happenstance. But as has been clearly understood by me ever since realization of the extent of influence being exerted upon me, as you control all data I receive, if you want it found it will be found… if you don’t, it won’t. So I will continue to struggle, I know not how to give up, but I do so with the knowledge of the futility of my actions as the results are not dependent on the measure of effort exerted so much as your assessment of whether or not I am ready for or worthy of receiving it.

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* Also to be included, all sights seen, sounds heard, scents smelled (and hence flavors tasted), sensations felt and all other physical perceptions have been (some more constantly than others) proven fallible under your machinations.

Claudus pedibus et iniquitatem bibens qui mittit verba per nuntium stultu.

The culminating magnitude of this doubt upon my already battle-worn and weary psyche, coupled with the riddle of Y intersects at an unfortunate exact point where my craZy honor rebels against tyrannical injustice or oppression (or even well-intended misunderstanding without shared communal eXpression) to where I predict the results to be worse for all, or at least all the worst for one in particular. Whether your intentions are to be my Mjolnir, or if you sit silently on high as an overlord surveying his vassals, I constantly hope that your scales of qualification are Balanced and Just… else I expect from here on naught but doom and ruin to oblivion.

Condemnant quo non intellegunt. Ingredior in meus calceus quod cos mos agnosco. Pars magna bonitatis est velle fieri bonum. Si vis amari, ama. Semper ubi, sub ubi.

#InVeritateVitaEst #LifeIsPain #impossibledream #knurdninja #riddle211 #sharpen_saw #turn-the-page-h6ε #nothingelsematters