#PLEASE don't scold me for saying that it's just v much the headspace i'm in so far in 2022 i am not suicidal i just have a lot of old brain

[goldkirk]

I have not volunteered a single fact about my past and my new therapist has not asked a single thing about my past and it’s weird but I’m interested to see if trying therapy THIS way helps.

We talk about my symptoms, we talk about my perspective and thoughts about symptoms and events, and that’s IT. I keep waiting for her to ask about something or ask why I think xyz way or whatever and she doesn’t, and I thought it’d be best to start therapy by giving the best summary I could to therapists but I keep running away from them eventually and so this time I was like “what if I just don’t” and we’re three sessions in and she just asks lots and lots of questions. Like, questions I can ANSWER, about daily life stuff or what I think about xyz. I knew you could do it like this, just going in to get help with symptoms and not actually talking about anything, but I didn’t think that meant ME

#what do you MEAN I can say the most objectively wrong perspective on something from Trauma Brain Learning and she just rolls with it?? #what do you MEAN I can just say 'literally every person is dangerous and could flip at any given time' and then not have to explain that #what do you mean I can just talk about being numb and not have to connect it to past things #so weird. good weird #i hate doing this because i feel like the longer i don't give her background #the more i might be phrasing my responses for Implications and leading her to think like #way worse things happened to me than did #or I had a totally different kind of situation #that was nothing like the very good life I've had #but I ALSO know that traumatized people never think they had it bad enough #but I'm also just speaking Loaded Implications #and some things WERE worse than I thought but most things were NOT as bad as sometimes saying them without context makes them seem #so anyway it's just wild #we're out here riding the wild west train to therapyville and it'll be fun to look at these posts two years from now #if i'm still alive #PLEASE don't scold me for saying that it's just v much the headspace i'm in so far in 2022 i am not suicidal i just have a lot of old brain #pathways active and a lot of them tie back to 'ultimately if x happens again you can just die instead of going back to that' or 'i mean it's #best if you get to a great point in life but like things can happen and you MIGHT die idk. you weren't even supposed to make it this long' #which is a WHOLE nother kettle of fish I KNOW #but like fr fr I was definitely supposed to die before mid high school and i don't like that so much has happened since then #i didn't PLAN for any of this I didn't plan for COLLEGE #i didn't know wtf to do for college bc I didn't PLAN because I KNEW I WOULDN'T LIVE THAT LONG CLEARLY #and then I DID #that sucks. i mean i'm not saying it sucks that i'm still alive #i'm saying it really really really fucking sucks that i din't think to mention to a SINGLE adult in any area of life #that I was gonna die before being an adult #bc ANYONE would've been like 'wtf actually katie. wtf' #but nooooooo i just didn't mention it and thought it was TRUE and not just a stupid dumb personal feeling #i was like 100% sure I was gonna get cancer or something similar before junior year of high school #I AM OUT OF COLLEGE AND I HAVE AN ENTIRE DOG. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU DO TO BE A PERSON