#The Shahar stuff is actually really important

[flowerflamestars]

Another alternative Effloresce pov. Azriel, as the slow moving shitshow train wreck his life is is quickly becoming a fast moving shit show train wreck.

I cannot tell you how much I love this one!

So, I would say across all my fics Azriel is a character who is the most consistent? Especially since almost all of them were written before acosf TERRIBLY let us in his actually creepy little headspace, and I've additionally chosen to keep my made up shadowman as he is.

Effloresce Az is basically Starlight Az but SADDER. He's Daylight Az without a kiddo and husband, Shoreless Sea Az without the absolutely beneficial retirement, and man is he TIRED.

You're Azriel, and your job sucks. Your inborn skillset leaves you zero other options, and you know this. It's better to be the left hand of power than in a cell for life, but you know what? Sometimes you can only do so goddamn much.

You're Azriel and that's kind of all you've got. You're one of a kind, literally. Alone forever in that. But you love Cassian. You play the little games with Mor for harmony. You respect- alien, ancient, different, probably what you'll feel like in a thousand goddamn years if you live that long- Amren.

You see the good in Rhysand, limited as it is to personal things, but you also see the vast potential for failure.

You see him listening to this CHILD OF A GIRL- who seems nice, yeah. You're worried about her, frankly. The Courts of Prythian revived her and will not just let that go- but that doesn't mean you think she has, shall we say, good ideas.

You watch Cassian spend days arguing against this.

You rock up over the wall and realize these two mortal, innocent women have probably been taken captive by Spring. Your orders are a mistake, you have a war to fight that has nothing to do with these people, but you're here, and you might as well do some good.

You move to neutralize the threat.

Lucien Vanserra does not act like a vassal of Spring. No, not even at Autumn prince. You can drown fire in the dark, but you can't swallow the sun or an ocean of flame without end.

That doesn't matter either, because this determined little slip of blond sunshine just fucking stabbed you. And for the first time in maybe decades, you just want to laugh. You've fucked up, clearly, but you're okay. (You can live through so much worse than letting a human woman stab you to feel safe.)

You hear Cassian coming, and you know.

It doesn't matter what Feyre is saying. Has said. You're Azriel and you can't not know or not hear- she's wrong or she lied. You have a High Lord sweating blood to protect a stunningly, dangerously charming woman and you have her sister, who feels less like delight and more like a dream.

You're a shadowsinger, whose providence is secrets and these two woman are shrouded.

You're fucked, essentially.

You know they're not really human.

You know they're hiding, and Feyre is going to break that right open if Rhysand has his way, no matter how many times you point out that the Queens want nothing to do with Prythian's fae.

You're Azriel, and you've always been smart enough to stay quiet when you have no orders forcing you to do otherwise. You're polite. You're frankly, horrified. You have no idea what to do with the Archeron sisters acting like you're nothing to be afraid of.

You know, before Cassian knows, that every wind that has ever carried him had lead him right here.

(You remember what that felt like. The fear, the euphoria. You were young and stupid enough to consider it simple rightness, your extra senses on your side, pulling you toward the correct choice in fealty. You didn't know what it was until too late. You didn't know and you never even got to know or got to mourn. You didn't have the right to mourn a girl dead too soon, who would have never been anything but your queen had she grown old enough to wear a crown.)

(Dead before the start, just like you.)

You decide, immediately, you cannot let what happened to you happen to Cassian. Nesta Archeron might be a compelling power, might be a fighter with ash in her hair and a cunning mind, but Shahar was a High Lady born. Not even that could save her.

You understand the instant way you like Elain is magic, whether she knows it or not. (She does not). Real affection follows quickly, you are, despite all magic to the contrary, as Illyrian as Cassian. You cannot not know. You like Nesta too- if only for her ferocity. Her bleeding, present fury.

They treat you like a person.

Fearlessly.

Easily.

You watch as their sister breaks their hearts, cracks already laid. You watch Rhysand act more and more territorial, and of course you know why too. You watch Lucien Vanserra safeguard the lives and livelihoods of hundreds of humans and you understand this, here, is a Court too.

A better one.

You quietly, a secret, kill their father.

You bind yourself in blood to a favor, and use it to unshackle the Archeron bloodline and their vassals from the Queens.

You watch Nesta Archeron kneel in the snow, watch Elain Archeron pull a knife on a High Lord of Prythian over human lives, and think, with dread and barren exhaustion, you're making the right choice.

The hard choice.

(How many noncombatants died in Sangravah? In every city Amarantha occupied? How many servants in the Hewn City every year? How many Illyrian children in the starving north? How many deaths were Azriel's fault, because Rhysand didn't care?)

(The Archerons would rather die with their people than live. Were educating their maids. Sending their kitchen boys to university. Taking in the orphans of other estates, having never forgotten what it was to be forgotten, hungry and alone.)

You're Azriel, and you can't not know how badly this is going to hurt.

#FAST MOVING TRAIN WRECK AHOY #I only covered what's posted because the next chapter is truly #THE BONES OF MY SOUL IN MY HANDS THE WORLD ON FIRE AND I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE BUT MORE DEATH #from Az's POV #he takes finding Shahars remains NOT WELL #plus you know #the war kickstarts #Cassian continues to act basically insane in a good way #And Nesta and Elain just keep raising the goddamn bar he was trying to ignore even existed #The Shahar stuff is actually really important #he does not tell Rhys #EVER! #Bones are literally he closest he's ever going to come #they weren't in love #they didn't even know each other #HE DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL SHE DIED #and of course #Rhys made that entirely about himself #Az just. I think he likes Feyre in this impish way canon always wants Cassian to (but then Cassian put her on such a high altar it failed) #but also? is too deep in the shit of it all #not to be like: she's a really powerful symbol #but she shouldn't be in charge????

[icharchivist]

this is actually bewildering how despite how little my mom and i manage to talk or connect with one another, when our interests end up crossing it end up crossing in the most bonkers way possible.

anyway under cut mention of ob//ey me and huh. Discussion of religions that probably qualify as heresy and probably would upset very religious people. (??? i’m not really sure but just in case.) consider yourself warned i guess?

Anyway this post have another degree off hilarity if you follow me for long enough to know about my mom and similar situations before.

As i mentioned, don’t get along with her, bad emotional bagage yadayadayada, but she is the reason i ended up caring this much about history and how much we overread and discuss on some topics, especially those concerning the Bi//ble and stuff. (disclaimer: she’s je//wish, my father insisted on giving me a ca//tholic education, but my mom always insisted on some readings and stuff, and idk what i am nowadays but neither my mom and i are religious if it makes sense, but we did study the topic in depth.)

but i am a fiction person first, though when a fiction i like is based on some historical stuff i often end up digging there.

Which led to bonkers situation in the past where, say, when i was obsessed  over d//gm was the time my mom kept watching stuff about APOCRYPHS like YEAH SURE. Then dr//agon age, turNS OUT it was when my mom was watching documentaries about templars ALL THE TIME. THEN when i got obsessed with g//bf because of Percival, it was when my mom was OBSESSED about Arthurian documentaries and i would often walk in the living to hear her go through those. And, ofc, religionwise, the fact my mom has a fascination with the Sumerians and the Arcadians, and have been studying and watching about Canaan and its culture for years, which also coincide with the time period i was deep into w///mtsb. Canaan being the place most myth around Lucifer, or as he was called, Helel Ben Shahar, originated from Canaanite religions (esp Ugarit’s), and is also the place that saw the importance of Ba’al ie Beelzebub grow before the hebraic religion took hold of it. Basically the long story short is that a lot of the mythos found in the To//rah is inspired by the myths from those regions that were lost to the time and it’s often why the deity from those regions are now the names of popular demons.  (if you’re into g///bf : ofc Lucifer and Bubs should be a telling, Sahar is Lucio as you know, Canaan was the place Lucifer lived in.)

aND LET ME BE CLEAR this is COMPLETELY accidental, i never talk to her about stuff i like (she doesn’t listen anyway), and when she ends up discussing those with me i’m already in an hyperfixation that match accidentally. idk how we have THIS as a timing OUT OF ANYTHING ELSE.

This is like. My normal life okay. Anyway it’s actually not unusual for us to discuss Canaan’s mythos when we see each other, since well we both made researches about it, let’s go. “Canaan is actually the most common discussion topic i have with my mom that isn’t tainted by personal trauma” top ten bewildering sentence but that’s my life let’s go.

Another important piece of setting, we were eating at a restaurent (my country banned the possibility to go on restaurent without a proof you’re vaccinated so we were safe just so it’s clear)

So, we were at dinner discussing Canaan on my birthday LIKE ONE DOES, and look. I at least AM prepared for my mom to go on tangente about Beelzebub. While it came out of nowhere, i am not surprised my mom started to talk about the inspiration behind Satan in the middle of the dinner.

what i didn’t expect was her suddenly going “and of course here we have Asmodé. Do you know who Asmodé is?”

me, stupid: “this is awfully familiar why do i know who Asmodé is. Well if it’s linked to Canaan his name must have become one of a demon so i must know an Asmo---”

and suddenly i froze. and i started laughing. like a fucking moron.

Meanwhile my mom “well you know Asmodé actually was the king of said country who-”

“Who opposed King Solomon yeah? yeah. yeah i know.”

“Exactly, so you know who is Asmodé.”

and then i bursted into laughing and i had to explain to my mom about the fucking dating app. I had to explain it to my mom. 

“I didn’t recognize Asmodé right away because i’m used to his english name, Asmodeus. And yeah i know him he called me this morning on my fucking app to wish me a happy birthday.”

at least it made my mom laugh as well.

I mentioned to her who were the seven brothers and i love. That when i said “and ofc Belphegor and Beelzebub”

My mom still unaware: “ oh yeah!! the two who are based on Baal! Baal Phégor and Baal-Zebub who are based on the same divinity and why those two demons were associated with the cult of Baal.”

Me still holding a laughter “yeah they’re twins in game.”

My mom: “AS THEY SHOULD BE.”

My mom NEVER listens to me talk about the fiction i like unless it’s connected to something she likes like that (bc then it means she can go “since it’s like that in your fiction DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS-” and tangente back on the legends and stuff)

Anyway so the thing is that we went deeper into this conversation, as one does, so we talked in depth, as usual, about Satan, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, L I K E O N E D O ES. 

And halfway through the mean i suddenly realized that the people on the table next to us, who i noticed were speaking english to start with though they understood french just fine, had been looking at us awkwardly for a long time. The woman especially was looking at me very weirdly.

It took me a few minutes to realize that they probably overheard us talk about demons the entire time and that i totally mentioned to my mom “so i have this dating app where i can date Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub and Belphegor”, a totally fucking normal conversation. That i don’t know if they understood everything we were saying bc we talk so fucking fast to start with, and also the fact i worry bc while it’s ofc you can run into religious french people, english speaking people tend to be more religious and in my experience? know much more demon names than the average french religious person. SO THIS WAS AWKARD.

SO. What the fuck do i even do with this. What the fuck do i even DO WITH ALL OF THIS.

And like i said i’m actually used about us talking about Canaan and i legit wouldn’t have connected the dots if she just talked about Beelzebub, i’m used to him, it’s Satan that destabilized me because my mom brought him up when we were talking about Seth, the Egyptian god (and the irony that Mankind is the “descendant of Seth” by the To//rah, and we were talking about how Seth (Egyptian) was associated to “Baal” and then my mom so proudly went “and then, because of that, Set, known also as Sutek => Satan” and i had to keep a sTRAIGHT FACE as if my first thought wasn’t “yes the guy i want to kiss all the time, continue.”) and then it’s  Asmodeus that made me lose my damn shit, and i’m also realizing the absolute irony that i was listening to the ob//ey me songs while coming to join my mom for dinner to start with. 

I was totally prepared about a conversation about Canaan, that’s my mom’s hyperfixation let’s say. I didn’t expect that it’d come with “sudden realization that just like those others times where our interests crossed, this is happening again over this dating app i play with”

I legit don’t know what to say more i’ve been laughing none stop since i came back home. My normal i guess.

#ichatalks #ichatalks about obm #hi this is another regular icha brand of fuckery because of course it is #sorry i'm losing my mind over this #and sorry for the disclaimer about religion but there is. so many level of weird fuckery going on with my convos with my mom #that i legit don't know how normal religious people would just react to this rabbit hole #aNYWAY.