#a nurse asked whats wrong and i described the pain and she deadass told me its probably anxiety

[calypsoff2]

Fourteen. Part 5

Seeing my eldest two dote on Imani, they are making sure she is smiling somehow “don’t you both have homework?” it’s getting late here “yeah but mom, Imani is not well so we need stay here” these girls are trying it now, they got school too “I think you need to say your byes and go home, you need to go to school tomorrow” Rylee and Tianna are both looking at me like I just swore at them but I just told them that they need to go home “are you coming?” Shaking my head “I need to stay here baby, right now Imani is not well, and she needs her rest and she needs me to stay here. I cannot go home, I’ll be home once my pumpkin is home” Rylee looked down in disappointment, I know she assumed that I would be home with them, but I can’t leave my daughter here, she is my youngest baby “but I don’t want to go either?” Tilting my head to the side unimpressed, I’m gonna need Rylee to not do this to me “you’re going home Rylee, dad will be with you” Chris looked at me and I just swore at him too “I can stay here too you know?” Of course he has something to say “Chris, I am staying here. The girls won’t go without any of us, I need you to just do it. They want you to go at least” I really don’t need him to play up “Monica is here she can?” Frowning at him “is it really that hard for you to just listen to what I say? They want me to put them to sleep but I can’t Chris, I want them to go home and do their homework and go to bed, why is it so hard to do? Why is it that I get this attitude about I should do it, I want you to go home and take the girls to bed, not my mother, you” I’ve had enough of him, my mother smirked a little, not sure why but it seemed to be pleasing for her to see me be like this but I am not having it “ok” he said, he’s already in my bad books by coming at me the way he did so now he can fucking listen to me go, I don’t care about anything but my kids, my daughters need to go home for school, they can’t stay here like they want.

Rylee and Tianna are dragging their feet with going, my mother and Chris are going “I’ll see you tomorrow morning mamacita, I promise. Don’t go surgery without me now” Imani shook her head “I wait” she is so adorable my youngest “good girl” Tianna held my hand “so you are staying here mom? Can we come here after school” nodding my head “of course, go and wait with momo. I need to speak to your dad” I say speak but it’s going to be very vague, Tianna let my hand go and walked off to my mother “I don’t get it, I could be here with my daughter too?” Nodding my head “and leave my mother is fly my daughters into school? She can’t drive, I can stay here with Imani, and you can come in the morning, I don’t get why you have to make an issue about it? Like this whole thing, you are letting my mother push you, I want you to throw that card away talking about I go where you go, you’re full of shit” I said in a whisper “me!?” He spat “the kids are there, don’t shout but you are. Saying you will support me but don’t do shit, saying you will move wherever for me, all you done is tell me my mother that I am doing wrong? I don’t get you and on top of that you come at me? In the hallway, who you think you are? Whatever comes out of your mouth I don’t want to hear it” I pointed “just take care” I moved away from him “yeah” he just said as he walked off “you not kissing?” Rylee said, and she’s being deadass “no kissing” I laughed, these girls asking about us kissing, what are they like these three kids of mine “why?” Rylee questioned “no reason, just not today but I will see you tomorrow. I will be waiting, have a good day in school” waving them off, I need some sanity from these people meaning my husband and my mother because they are driving me insane for nothing too, just pure ganging up on me.

I am just blessed that Imani is ok, but I am so nervous about her having surgery. I don’t like that my baby will be away from me, she made me sing her to sleep. Which honestly I don’t like doing but she asked and how can I say no to her, I couldn’t but she fell asleep happy as anything. She looks so content and that just makes me emotional, this is what means so much to me even though my own husband thinks it doesn’t, like I want to work, like I want to do this too. I rather be with my daughters, but I can’t. I’ve come so far, and I will take my kids with me if I need to go again now. Just because they made that remark, I will a hundred percent take them now. He can stay at home because I don’t need him like he thinks, my phone started vibrating. I better pick up Chris’ call or I will get another mouthful that I am ignoring him and how dare I just not pick up which I get but he could have waited to say it, answering the call “hey” I answered, “awake still?” He said down the phone “yep” I mean of course I would be, what else would I be doing “I’m sorry about earlier” I knew it, I knew he would say those words “save it Chris, you don’t disrespect me like that. A simple sorry is not cutting it because you’re just going to continue to just do the same shit, don’t take my mother’ side, you just be quiet. How dare you, just leave me be. See you in the morning Chris, goodnight” disconnecting the call, I don’t want to hear it from him at all. He can be so awful with me sometimes, such a big mouth he has, and he never thinks before he acts, never in the time we have been married as he ever just thought let me just wait before barking, he just barks to me every single time.

I won’t lie to myself at all, I stayed up most of the night just thinking. I dislike my kids in hospital, that hurts me so much, it gives me flashbacks to Rylee, and I can’t take it. Chris assumed I would be going home with the girls; hell no. I am staying here with my baby and consoling her. Yes I am tired, I probably look a mess, but I don’t care. Imani woke up very grumpy, she’s not happy. She wanted her sling off, she wanted cuddles and she’s just ok in my arms snuggling me, she’s fallen asleep again “my baby” now I know what Chris means by her swollen arm, she hated me when I changed her diaper, I think I may have hurt her in the process, my poor princess “hey” Chris said as he walked into the room, I smiled lightly “not slept” do I look that bad “yeah” I breathed out, I mean I must look bad “how is she? Ok?” Chris asked “not well, she’s in pain. She just wants snuggles, I picked her up and placed her on my lap and then she fell sleep, I can’t feed her because of the surgery” Chris poked his lips out “my eldest two went to school ok?” I asked him “uh yeah, they was a little sad because they miss Imani, they said they do but they went to school ok” least they did “I don’t’ want to talk about it” I said to Chris knowing full well he was going to say that word, he says that word but doesn’t mean it.

I am having a hard time knowing my daughter is having surgery, but I am being strong for her, I need to be strong for her because she is looking to us. She knows something is off, the doctor is here asking questions “you think Imani will be ok with inserting a needle or you think we need to do the induction through inhalation?” looking at Imani, with the way she is at this moment in time she won’t be good “I think inhalation for her, she knows something is off. She is playing up a little because of it” the doctor nodded his head; the anaesthetist will be around. The porters will be also, we will do the surgery as quickly as possible, and painless. And then once she is under you can both wait in the hospital, we will keep you both updated as much as we can ok?” nodding my head, this is the worst part of it, leaving my daughter alone with them “ok” I breathed out, I just want my daughter to be ok. If this surgery mean she will be ok to heal then so be it “please take care of her” my voice broke “of course we will, see you soon” the doctor walked off, looking at Imani and she is staring at me in confusion.

I really hate this feeling, I just can’t describe the hurt I feel just changing her diaper, well she has to put that on during it “don’t be taking a pictures of my wife bro, don’t be doing that over here” hearing Chris say but I am not even paying attention “please come in” the double doors opened to the elevator, I really feel sick right now. Imani is watching paw patrol; he isn’t paying anyone any attention. Entering the elevator “she really likes it doesn’t she? You like dogs” the nurse said “doggy” Imani pointed “awww yes, my son also loves that. Same age as you, drives me crazy” small talk is just the worst and I feel we have been on this elevator for long enough, but I feel we are going very low down in this hospital, the doors opened and it’s so eerily horrible. Stepping off the elevator “dad it off” looking behind me “oh yeah it has” he said “no connection here” the nurse said, I assumed so “you can watch it after, promise” the nurse walked ahead of us, I could really be sick right now “after” Imani repeated “not now” she isn’t impressed that she can’t watch her thing, nothing actually really matters in life when shit like this happens. No money in the world can change anything about this, I hate it so much.

Imani keeps getting up and the nurses around her just want her to lay down, because she can’t really see us she keeps looking forward “what are you looking at Imani?” the nurse asked, she pointed with her healthy arm and at us “hi” she waved at us “be a good girl now” I said “hold me” she said, shaking my head “just lay there” the anaesthetist looked at us “we will be putting her under now” I cringed internally “if you want to both settle her, it will be smooth” I don’t think I can do it, feeling a pair of hands on my shoulder and being pushed forward “lay down” I said, I need to snap out of it “stand there for me” the anaesthetist said to Chris as he was going to stand on the other side “you relax like this” touching the top of her head “I want to go” she mumbled, she’s going to play up now. She is getting annoyed “I go now” she moved “stay baby it’s ok, we are here too. Forget home” she looked around her, I think she isn’t liking the environment. The more she is looking the more she knows something is not right “mommy I don’t like it” she said, don’t cry is all I am repeating to myself “don’t think about it” the anaesthetist is bringing the mask closer to Imani, and she clocked it “no” she turned away “I don’t think she wants that, relax” Chris said to the anaesthetist, he just moved back quietly.

Imani is not playing ball; she is holding my hand “shall we do sing song?” Imani nodded her head “you know I hate doing this, you the only one to drag me out of this hiatus” I laughed “you start, and I finish. One, two, three. Go” I said “oh na na” I snorted laughing “what’s my name” I said through my laugh “oh na na” she said again “what’s my name!” she shouted giggling, the anaesthetist was close enough to have Imani inhale with the mask close by. Watching Imani slowly drift off, and he hand dropped off “I love you” I moved away before I ended up being a wreck, looking up at Chris’ face, he is so sad. I walked by him just wanting to leave “we will call on you both for when we bring her around” the nurse said but I just don’t want to hear it, that is my baby there. Leaving the room and just walking off, I continued to walk and walk to leave this horrible place that I have come too. Feeling a tug at my, Chris yanked me back and hugged me and I just let my emotions out, every emotion I am feeling because of everything. I am hurting.

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