#already knows lol. roommate knows bc my sister told him a long time ago when she figured we would never meet. whoops

[tinylittlebab]

god im so glad i dont gotta meticulously hide all these behaviors all the time

#im not like. openly doing things in front of my sister but i dont have to worry about anyone finding out i have an ed bc everyone here #already knows lol. roommate knows bc my sister told him a long time ago when she figured we would never meet. whoops #i mean. my mom knows now too. if she had paid any attention to what i was doing at all then it would have been obvious #but the only thing that made her pick up on my sh is bc my brother who accidentally found out literally told her #oh your depressed kid who wears long sleeves constantly in the summer and is visibly uncomfortable and who is always itching their arm #nah they arent cutting themself. no way. shes never brought any of this up to me bc i think she feel weird for ignoring me since i was 4 #but she tells my sister about it who then tells me. its like. i didnt have to hide that i have an ed but i have to hide how dangerous my #behaviors are. and i also wanted to hide it bc i didnt wanna influence my younger siblings. but itll be much easier now that i have to hide #it less and also ill be home alone moat days once my other wister moves out which might be sooner than expected

[edelblau]

i feel like talking about my life in a longform post so im gonna do that. ive added a read more but sometimes tumblr breaks and just, removes them for me so im sorry if this breaks and yall get a long ass post on your dash

i still think of how this whole ‘miles moving and having to move by february on incredibly short notice’ thing is all entirely my moms fault and its also blowing up in her face bc now shes gotta move on short notice as well

like for one, all of this began bc she was mad i asked to be more informed on when her boyfriend was coming over because she never told ANYONE in the household when he was coming. ever. she also used all the groceries to cook for him (he ate large portions) so like, she buys one 4 pack of chicken breasts? all 4 are used on dinner for her bf and we were left with nothing. like im sure people remember my first few donation posts-- those were all to buy food becaause me and my sister were left with SCRAPS bc shed buy very limited food and then buy takeout with her bf on the days there were no groceries. at the time i had no income at all other than commissions to beign with and even as i eased onto disability.... i have under 300 dollars left after rent goes through so my only money for a whole month is 300 and if i put anything into savings oops that goes down significantly!

anyways because i dared to get upset about this, not even the food concerns but just. wanting to know if he was over and god forbid wanting the tv to be at a reasonable volume as my room and hers share a wall she threw a HUGE FIT

and talked about how i was (to paraphrase) a burden, that ‘youre an adult now so i shouldnt have to parent you’ (i was 21 and am disabled and unable to work) and that we were ‘basically roommates’ and i was a bad roommate (as if roommates dont communicate when they have guests over in their shared space) and how i ‘didnt want her to live in her own home’

anyways then she started to talk about how i need to move bc blah blah i dont respect her so i was kinda like. ok im done with this too!

at the time i didnt know if id be accepted onto disablity (the program is notorious for rejecting ppl first try) but lo and behold i was! at a lower price than my mom ‘expected’ so i had to try and fucking wager my rent lower (which worked but barely) so i could save anything at all (again. i have under 300 fucking dollars a month of spending money)

anyways. i started saving! i was as good as i could be with her still not buying food (until a few months ago), every bit i could save... and i had to replace a mattress so i lost a huge portion of that (lol) bc as much as i tried to avoid it i... couldnt anymore and now i have under 500 in savings but the KICKER is my fucking mother turns out to have gone to my grandparents behind everyones backs to convince them to get on the active waiting list for a retirement home, which theyre VERY HIGH UP ON  ! leading to this whole fucking time constrained bullshit bc oops my grandparents own the damn house and to move theyd be selling it putting me, my sister and my mother herself needing to move within a short ass time frame

im just so mad all the time about it its so frustrating and annoying and... i was already in a quite frankly awful position bc my finances are so fucked and then she fucked it further and as further salt in the wounds apparently my extended family thinks me and my sister dont pay rent at all! which is really fucking interesting! also interesting how my grandma seems concerned and surprised by how much i pay for rent considering that the rent is supposedly going to her!

idk what to even do anymore im so sick and tired and scared i hate living here if i didnt have a friend who has quite ltierally offered to pay first and last for me id be literally fucked right now bc my mom DOESNT THINK

anyways thats all im just! upset