#also fat matilda yay!

[sheknowsnotwhosheis-blog]

A Little Reflecting

I have been really negative lately. And by lately, I mean my whole life. 

But especially within this past year. This past calendar school year has been one of the hardest years yet. Yes, I know. I’m 20. My life will become much harder than it is right now. BUT, I am having to worry about things that people my age don’t generally have to worry about. 

I’d like to take a moment to remind myself of the wonderful things that happened this years, and of the miserable. To remind myself that 1. I made it through it, 2. the lessons I learned along the way and 3. LIFE CONTINUES ON. 

a. I took my first philosophy class. EYE OPENING. I’m not a writer, nor have I never been. Nor am I particularly good at completely creating an idea from scratch, I’m generally better at improving other ideas. I came up with a completely original philosophical argument about Socrates vs. Alcoff that not even my professor had heard of. 

b. I both started, and dropped RD’s lighting class. 

c. I drafted the best 2D work I have ever done. 

d. I dropped Italian 2001. Again.

e. OMG got a DOGGO. Who is the worst, but also the best. He saved me from my miserable loneliness. He became super aggressive, but with the help of boyf. became one of the most cuddly creatures. I was originally so worried about having him, but now and so glad that I do. 

f. COMPLETED Jane Eyre. One of the most tough shows I have ever worked on. I created all my own paperwork for the show, which I was actually proud of. Had two AMAZING assistants, could not have made it through it without them . In that show my actor problems included: 2 concusions, one faked knee injury, one back injury, one calling of an ambulance, tears beyond tears beyond tears, attitudes for days, and the halting of one rehearsal for a refusal to *act*. I was complemented by one actor who said I was doing a wonderful job, and complemented by the LD and his wife who said I had a natural talent for timing. Successfully completed my first FAT show and my second guest director. 

g. Completed a year of being the Props Supervisor. Which I was dreading. First show- okay. Didn’t do a budget. No set dressing whatsoever. Second Show - really no props. Lackadaisical designer. Third show - MUCH better. organized the shit out of that. BUT ran out of money. Fourth - better, but also worse. things came in at the last minute. Director and designer were USELESS and it took me about a week and a half until tech before I realized if I didn’t make any decisions myself, there would be nothing for the show. 

h. I saw more shows at school. 39 steps, hand to god, UV, VSMS, LCRH, Machinal, JE, TA. 

i. Went to NYC AND CHICAGO FOR THE FIRST TIME YAY. I found out that the rest of the world starts around 10:00am. Was very confused on how anyone gets anything done. (They stay up later) Boyf and I saw: Something Rotton (okay, AP seemed like an ass) Matilda (amazing of course.) The Humans (not so great. really didn’t have a point. I get it, but didn’t have a point) Beautiful (AMAZING) Rockettes (really really good - just fun ya know) AAAAND DEAR EVAN HANSEN (also AMAZING. Crying during intermission. Why they would have the saddest part right before the freaking lights come up i have no idea) we went to a NYE party at Guy Fieri’s and met the most lovely scottish family. The 65 yo mother was hotter than I am. We ate at Esca, Wolfgang Puck’s steak restaurant, and Oppia- the french restaurant in our hotel SOOOO GOOOD. In chicago, we saw Hamilton (LD was the best part but overall AMAZING) Mamma Mia (terrible musical but in the round and interesting set) and Blue Man Group (fun - I also messed up the tickets but we got in anyway. bless) There we had deep dish and I am now in love. 

j. I said NO. and put my health first for the first time in years. I backed out of TA. IT was very hard and I still feel guilty, but I honestly would not have made it through this semester had I done that show. I just wouldn’t have. My mental health was already caputz, add that? no way... Also already almost failed all of my classes so that would have happened... 

k. thought about law school. freaked out about my GPA

l. decided not to law school. calmed down about my GPA

m. applied to about 20 internships. got none of them. 

n. Boyf and I spent Christmas with my family. (Thanksgiving with theirs)

o. Pulled an all nighter for one subject in fall and thought that was the hardest I would ever have to work again for finals. WRONG. All nighters for 3 subjects. and not just for finals. 

p. Haven’t gotten my grades back yet, but survived through Ital 2001, Thea and Modernity, LEGL 2700, Polsci, MBUS 1. 

q. Thought boyf and I weren’t going to make it for like a solid 2 weeks. Fighting all the time. Me very mentally unstable. NOW - better than ever. just bought a house, love love love love. 

r. Reunited with bff. Miserable for like 1/2 the year and last year bc she was terrible and wouldn’t talk to me. We talked it out because she texted me that she missed me. Her excuse will never make sense, but its okay. We talk and hang out. I’d never trust her with my life again, but she’s worming her way back in. 

s. Her, JP and I are going to live together next year. 

t. I got a second job. I worked at a pool as a lifeguard and admin assistant. They treated me absolutely terribly and I just walked out one day after I publicly disagreed with owner and he cut my hours to a third of what I was working before. know your worth. 

u. HURTING for money right now. 

v. Got into the MBUS program

w. I have been the most unstable I have in my entire life. 

x. I have learned so much about myself. What I can and can’t handle. When I need to say no, and when I can press on. A little of who I am. I am a strong, very independent woman. I am learning it is okay to not be so independent with certain people. I am direct. I am being told that is not okay, and I should not be so “bitchy” but fuck you. I am who I am and it is why I can make shit happen. I think by being who I am, THAT is going to be how I succeed. 

y. I am seeing how patriarchal and sexist the industry I want to be apart of is. I get discouraged thinking about it. 

z. I get inspired to see how I can change the sexist industry that I want to work in by SUCCEEDING in it. 

-goodnight.