#also im about to murder whoever is on my street and has been nonstop blowing a coach whistle for the past two hours

[sharkieboi]

had a call with my dad earlier about money/loan stuff which is already very stressful for me cause Money and especially cause the loan person wasn’t being straightforward so we had to ask a lot of clarifying questions to get a straight answer

and then when they were off the line dad tried to ask me how my personal life is going and this week has just been such a unique shit show and literally an hour before he called I had been telling my therapist that this issue was something I don’t feel like I can tell my parents about

and I was welling up with tears over the phone trying to tell him everything was okay and he got worried like “are you sure you’re okay? it sounds like you’re about to cry?” and I just managed to eek out that it was some kind of thing with a “friend I used to work with” and that everything was okay but that either way I wasn’t ready to talk with him about it. and now I know I’ve definitely just made him more worried for me and not less worried.

I just have this pit in my chest right now and it was good to talk with my doctor and address it’s presence but i’m just. empty. i feel helpless and i need a fucking hug.

#shhh sharkie #also im about to murder whoever is on my street and has been nonstop blowing a coach whistle for the past two hours #i need to go get groceries. #i’ve been catatonic on the couch most of the day. i haven’t turned on any lights. #luckily there’s enough ambient natural light for Sansa to go about her normal day. and she’s on eggs right now so she’s Busy. #i’ll let her out if she wants to when I get back from the store #i just. i want to tell him in that i want to be comforted and heard and held and understood. #but it’s such a big complex thing that I know his sympathy would also come with a hearty helping of judgement #and the level of violation of this situation comes with the acknowledgment that I Do In Fact Have A Sex Life #and that’s just not something im willing to broach with my family at this stage in it #i have anxiety/panic attack meds in case of emergency but i wasn’t willing to try them for the first time in the middle of my work day/week #so i’ve just been. going through the constant anxiety/panic attacks all week. hoping to survive. #i have some time off next week and Ross is coming to visit so if nothing else i’ll be getting some very much needed kisses and cuddles. #someone just shoot me. take me out for my own good. take the bastard that did this out first but me a close second.