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yuurisnice · 7 years

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Unraveling

Title: Unraveling Summary: Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his 'imaginary friends', they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn't ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people. Word Count: 21k Warnings: Smoking, mention of drug use, drinking, mentions of past trauma, anxiety

A/N: I’m really sorry to everyone on mobile because read mores don’t work and this is long af. This fic is my actual child and I’m so happy with how it turned out. So much time and research went into this fic. I wanted it to be as medically accurate as possible. I got the inspiration of this fic when I stumbled upon a youtuber named Jess who posts videos about her DID. She and all of her alters are amazing and I just want everyone to know their story and learn that DID isn’t scary like the media makes it out to be. Also huge shout out to @phansdick and @theinsanityplays for listening to me complain about my inability to do this topic justice and for giving me ideas when I was in a rut. And I can’t forget the amazing @moonlitdan for being a lovely beta. If there are any inaccuracies with this fic, please let me know so I can change them! That was a really long author’s note. Okay. Enjoy!

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Dan only remembered very brief moments in his life where he didn’t have alters. In fact, there’s only a handful of memories, enough that he could count them on one hand. As early as six he remembers playing with Evelyn, having her guide him through the nights. He didn’t know why, it happened or when it started, and he still could not access the reasons behind his disorder. All he knew was that his alters protected him and that was more than enough reasoning for him. It couldn't have been pleasant if his mind had to split into pieces in order to get through.

Evelyn was his best friend. She was there for him through thick and thin. At nights when the threat of the monster coming out from under the bed was strong, Evelyn would rock him to sleep. She would make sure that he went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early enough to get ready for school. She kept him fed and clean, she helped him with his homework and made sure he paid attention in class. She would hold his hand as they crossed the street and if someone gave Dan what they used to call the ‘heebie jeebies’, Evelyn would take over until she could get Dan to safety.

Dan would insist on setting a place for Evelyn at the dinner table and for a short while his parents went along with it. After all, all children have imaginary friends until they grow up and make real friends. But time went on, Dan got older, and Evelyn stayed right by his side.

When Dan was eight, he started getting notices sent home about his ‘overactive imagination’. His parents and teachers would have conferences where seeing a specialist of childhood development was mentioned. Children were meant to lose their imaginary friends as they got older, but Dan’s relationship with Evelyn only seemed to strengthen.

Still, Dan’s parents didn’t want to admit there was a problem. They were content to live in a bubble where Dan would one day leave his ‘friend’ behind and go on to be a functioning member of society. This denial of the issues led to Kaleb.

For the remainder of his childhood into his teen years, Dan’s parents would make snide comments fully believing themselves to be constructive.

“Haven’t heard from Evelyn in a fair few days. She finally disappear or did she just take a mini vacation?’

“When are you going to grow up and drop this imaginary friend bullshit?”

“The two of you were inseparable, did you have a fight or something?”

“Honey, Dan’s just seeking attention. If we ignore this ‘Evelyn’ stuff, it will go away’.

Dan grew uncomfortable talking about Evelyn to the point where he just stopped mentioning her in front of people. Between the two of them, they decided that around people who knew Dan, Evelyn wouldn’t act like Evelyn, but she would do her best Dan Howell impression. People started to buy it and they lived comfortably for years.

It was when Dan was twelve that he discovered a new person in his head. He didn’t even know they existed for a fair few weeks.

Dan was getting in trouble more often than not, both at home and at school. Things would get broken that Dan didn’t remember breaking. Notes from teachers would go missing; notes that Dan didn’t even remember getting. He would come to in the middle of the night standing in the middle of his childhood park, stuck to find his way home and sneak into the house.

Every time his parents reprimanded him, he would say the same thing.

I don’t remember, it wasn’t me.

He started to turn his back on Evelyn, convinced that she was the one who was ruining his life. He’d spent his entire life trusting her with his body so why wouldn’t she take it for some joyrides? Afterall, Dan knew she had her own separate will so it wasn’t an impossible theory.

Three long weeks he spent ignoring Evelyn, starting to believe his parents when they said that if he ignored the problem it would go away. That perhaps there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. Perhaps it was just in his head.

This operation clearly didn’t work out too well and it all came to a head when he got home from school one day.

“Dan. Who is Kaleb?” Dan’s mother asked with a bite in her tone. Her hands were on her hips while his father sat quietly in a nearby rocking chair.

Dan, who had never once heard that name before in his life tried to wrack his brain. Was Kaleb another kid at his school? Did something happen to this Kaleb that he should be made aware of? What did this Kaleb do and why did it anger his parents so?

“I don’t know. Who’s Kaleb?” Dan asked, trying to work together an incomplete puzzle.

His parents didn’t answer. Instead his mother shoved a note into his hands and stormed off into the kitchen where loud clanking of dishes could be heard.

“Just go to your room, son. I think your mother and I need some time to process. We’ll be in shortly.” His dad didn’t move from his seat, still hadn’t looked at Dan since he came home, so Dan simply did as he was told.

With a slump of his upper body, Dan dragged himself upstairs, down the hall and into his room. Inside was a mix of things that most people wouldn’t think went together. There were black sheets and covers. The walls were a dark brown with little stick-on flower petals on every wall. There were baby dolls left over from his younger days and his childhood bear he slept with every night. His legos were in a box in the corner and he had a tv with a basic gaming console attached.

Dan dropped his bag onto his messy desk, Evelyn had refused to straighten up until Dan apologized, and headed straight for his bed. He had been hoping for a nap after the stressful day he’d had at school but his mind was now preoccupied with the note held between his hands. As he got comfortable on the bed he unfolded the paper and started to read.

Dear Mr and Mrs. Howell,

It has come to my attention that Daniel has been having far more outbursts than normal. He is unusually chaotic and distracting to his fellow students. He will refuse to do his work and insist on being called ‘Kaleb’. At first we believed it to be just another phase but after consulting with the school psychologist we no longer believe this to be normal pre-teen behaviour.

While we cannot force you to seek outside assistance for your child, we will need to set up a meeting to see what can be done about this disruptive behaviour. If it continues on at its current pace, we will be forced to take action and move Daniel to a class better suited to his needs.

Please call at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment with the school psychologist and Daniel’s guidance counselor. I will also be in attendance as well as Daniel’s teacher.

I do hope we can find a solution to this that will be beneficial to everyone.

Sincerely,

Principal Edwin Macafee

Dan read over the letter several times, trying to get a grasp on what the contents really were saying. He got his answer on what his parents were referring to when they mentioned Kaleb, but it wasn’t another student, it was him.

Without noticing, Dan started crying. It wasn’t a normal cry, but a full on sob. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know that he had been doing so poorly. He was a good student, a good person. Evelyn made sure of that but for once, even Evelyn couldn’t protect him.

For the longest time after that meltdown, Dan’s parents still stayed in denial. It wasn’t until he was fifteen that they agreed it was time to seek outside help.

Dan had started to lose more and more time, not able to recollect entire conversations, classes, even people. It got to the point where Dan wasn’t Dan for days at a time. His alters would step forward more often than not, letting Dan retreat into a safe place in his mind.

He was taken to his normal doctor who recommended a therapist to him. After two months on the waiting list, he finally got an appointment.

Dr. Kayla Longburg was a middle aged woman who specialized in childhood depression and anxiety. Throughout the first couple of sessions she had diagnosed Dan with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He didn’t agree with the diagnosis, but having a name to his experiences was enough for him to go along with it.

He saw Dr. Longburg once a week, every thursday afternoon for two years. Somewhere along the way he was put on medicine to help ease his symptoms, but they didn’t help. He still lost time. There were still days where he wasn’t Dan. He still had Evelyn help him to sleep at night and Kaleb was still a little shit to everyone he met.

It wasn’t until Evelyn came out during a session that things started to change.

Before that time, Dan’s alters stayed hidden. Kaleb insisted that it was best to hide them away, act as though they weren’t as big in his lives as they were. Even Evelyn, who was generally the level headed one, was concerned that if anyone knew there were others living within Dan, the doctors and Dan’s parents would do everything in their power to ‘kill’ the alters.

During one session, Dr. Longburg was trying to get Dan to speak about his early childhood. She believed getting to the root of his issues would solve them. To speak about the trauma would bring light to his illness and perhaps start to believe them. Instead, with each insistence that Dan could remember if he tried hard enough, panic built up.

Dan knew he was going to switch before it happened. He got light headed and felt as though all of the energy was drained from his body. It felt like he was fighting against himself just to stay alive, and in some ways he was. As the panic built, the headache grew and Dan didn’t want to fight anymore. His eyes glazed over and he felt himself falling into his inner world.

Evelyn stepped out and this was the first time that Dan could see and hear what Evelyn could. The doctor caught on to the change in Dan’s body language, no longer hunched over himself but instead sat up straight as an arrow. His hands uncurled themselves and sat calmly in his lap.

“Dan does not remember and Dan does not remember for good reason. Stop prying. It’s hard to protect him when you’re making him think about the very thing that caused this.” Evelyn’s voice was strong, there was not a single stutter or hesitation and the words rang proudly through Dan’s ears. It was okay because Evelyn was here.

“Dan there’s no need to talk in third person.” The doctor replied after a moment of composure. It was evident that she was shocked by the outburst. In the entire two years she’d been with Dan, she’d never once seen him act this way.

“I’m not Dan. Why can’t anyone get that through their heads? Dan is not here. You forced him to retreat. You forced me to come out. You hurt him and that hurts me.” Evelyn stood her ground, giving up the very information the system swore to keep labeled top secret.

“If you are not Dan,” The Doctor started slowly, stopping herself mid sentence to jot a million things down on the notepad laid in her lap. “If you are not Dan then to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

“I’m Evelyn and the pleasure is all yours.”

It took a few more sessions before Dan was officially diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity disorder. His therapist brought it up a few sessions after the Evelyn outburst and suddenly things clicked for Dan. While it was a thrilling and relieving moment learning about what DID was and connecting the dots between the disorder and his own life, it was a short lived victory. Dan’s therapist decided that what would be best for Dan was moving on to a more qualified therapist, one who understood DID and could teach Dan how to work with his diagnosis.

While he wasn’t the biggest fan of Dr. Longburg, he had grown accustomed to seeing her. She was abandoning him. He was no longer good enough for her to treat.

While that day was one of his happiest, it was also the first and only time Dr. Longburg would see Kaleb, who did not take the news lightly.

Dan transitioned, but unlike what happened with Evelyn, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He could only fill in by what his therapist and his parents told him.

His parents had to be called in, Dan’s father doing his best to restrain Kaleb in an attempt to calm him down. He kicked and screamed and tried his best to run away from the situation, but no one would let him.

After Kaleb calmed down enough for everyone to talk, Dr. Longburg calmly explained what was the cause of the outburst, what a transition was and what the game plan would be from there on out. They were reassured that what Dan had was a real disorder and that this was not to be mistaken as childhood imagination.

His new therapist wasn’t as nice as Dr. Longburg, but he was much more well versed in the issues Dan faced. Unlike his old sessions, his new ones were not based around recollecting his past trauma. Instead, he learned about his illness, why it occurred, how it works, and how it helps him.

For the first time in Dan’s life, he didn’t feel crazy when he talked about his alters. He didn’t feel like they were a dirty secret to hide. He described each in detail and Dr. Patterson compiled a list of their duties and personalities. They were able to pinpoint the reasons why each alter came out and Dan could begin to see a theme. By getting to know his alters and their roles, he could foresee a transition far sooner than he used to.

Evelyn was the protector. She grew up alongside him, aging at the same rate as Dan. Any time Dan felt threatened by his environment, she would take over to protect the system from any harm. She was kind and outgoing. She knew how to soothe any ailments and how to make sure the system kept moving. She made sure the alters got along as well as they could, and Dan kept the body healthy.

Kaleb was the persecutor of the system and even though for most of the time Dan knew Kaleb he did not like him, he started to come around and see his strengths rather than the flaws. Kaleb was brash and outspoken. He loved to party and could smoke up to a pack a day. He was flirtatious and possibly had a mild obsession with sex. Kaleb was diagnosed with Depression while Dan had not been.

On top of learning about his alters and their purposes, he learned that keeping a set schedule and allowing each alter to have their time with the body was key to living as normal a life as he could. An entire month of sessions was dedicated to the co-consciousness Dan would sometimes experience and how he could use these moments to find out his alters’ hopes and dreams.

Collectively, with the aid of Dr. Petterson, Dan and his alters formed a halfway decent schedule that made time for each person.They would have a bedtime of 1am and wake up at 9am. Evelyn would be able to come out in the mornings, taking care of Dan’s medications and keeping order throughout the system. Kaleb could have a few nights to go out, getting a chance to be the social butterfly he was and blow off some steam in less destructive ways than before. And Dan was left to be Dan the rest of the time.

He started to keep a journal to help piece together the times he was in his head. The alters came up with a note leaving system as well. There was a white board hung in his room with different coloured magnets attached. Each colour was assigned to a different alter, black was Dan, blue was Kaleb and orange was Evelyn. They would leave notes to each other, filling them in on their responsibilities of the day and little tidbits to fill in the gaps. He wasn’t usually able to recall the times when his alters were out, but by asking those around him and making a detailed collection of the notes passed between, he was able to keep a level head.

Together the system found a way to work and it worked a long while until Max came along.

The day Dan turned twenty, Max made his debut. Dan decided on his twentieth birthday not to continue with his higher education. He reached a breaking point with the stress the workload put on not only him, but the rest of the alters.

Kaleb had never been a huge fan of education, if his first few months taking over Dan’s body was any indication. On nights when Dan had exams worth most of his grade to revise for, Kaleb would take the body and get close to blackout drunk. Dan would wake up in some random person's bed with a killer hangover. He was left to deal with the missed exam.

Evelyn also wasn’t taking kindly to University. Even though she was the most organized of the bunch, Dan relied on her more often than not to make it through the school week. The pressure got to her and it got to the point where even she didn’t want to get out of bed.

So on his birthday, after downing an entire bottle of wine, Dan sent in his resignation to the University. After hitting send, Dan floated away.

He woke up on a swing in the playground of his University's child development center. There was a man from campus security standing before him, demanding that he leave at once. Dan slowly stood up on his feet and the man followed alongside him as they walked out of the park.

“I just need a few more things to put in the report before I can let you go.” The officer said, taking out a pad of paper and jotting down a few things. “You said your name is Max and you just wanted to ‘play’. You also told me you were nine years old but we all know that’s a load of bullshit.”

The name Max pulled Dan from his daze and sobered him up. He’d never heard the name Max before, but with his track record, it wasn’t impossible.

After giving the man the correct information and doing his best to explain the situation, he was left to walk back to his flat on his own. He spent the rest of that night trying to figure out who Max was and why his brain felt the need to split for a third time.

Dan moved home shortly after his new alter made his appearance. Through the help of his parents’ insight and his therapist’s aid, he learned that Max was a child alter, a mere age of nine. He was a trauma-free alter, a way for Dan to let go of the stress in his life. He loved trains and days out at the park, and colouring books could occupy him for hours on end.

Back in his old room, he made a corner to put Max’s things in. There was a craft table and a growing collection of matchbox cars. Whenever his mum would go out shopping, she would almost always come home with some kind of toy for Max. She had taken an odd liking to the boy, taking care of him and keeping him safe at all times.

For a year Dan stayed at home, relearning how to handle having three alters living inside him. The schedule they had all grown fond of had to be changed and rearranged to fit Max’s needs in.

When Dan was 21, he felt like he had enough control over his life and his routine that he could make the jump out of his parents home and into his own flat. Sure, he’d lived on his own before, but that was just University housing and it hadn’t afforded his alters the freedom they deserved as well.

His biggest deterrent against moving out wasn’t the act of living on his own, but finding a job.

Although illegal to deny or fire someone for a mental illness, it wasn’t unlikely that it would happen. Dan had read plenty of stories of people who tried to be honest with employers and found themselves unemployed not a short time after. Or there was simply too many times where a person called off due to the dissociation, and they were fired.

After telling his parents that he wanted to be on his own, and after hours of reassuring his mother that he had things under control, they all kept an eye out for any possible job openings around.

His father, a set designer for a local tv network, had heard about an opening for an editing position in a publishing company that was frequently in touch with the network. At first, Dan didn’t think he had a shot considering he didn’t finish University and he didn't go for an English degree while he was there. Still, his parents insisted that he apply since the worst that would happen was a ‘no’, while the best outcome was a new job.

He found himself traveling north for an interview with the main branch in Manchester. His mum wanted to go with, but he declined her offer, feeling as though it would make him more nervous if his mother was waiting outside the building.

He went in with very low expectations, better to assume the worst than to hope for the best, but to his delight, he found the potential boss to actually like him.

The woman’s name was Cynthia Moss, department head of the third floor that dealt with editing and marketing. They got along well, Dan nailing every question she threw at him and even making her laugh a few times. He didn’t stumble or overthink until she asked why he decided to drop out of University.

With a deep breath, he explained.

While Dan knew the risks of being upfront with the employer about his life, and there was no legal reason for him to have to disclose it, it felt more comfortable telling his job to ensure he was getting the best possible accommodations that he needed. Not to mention he didn’t want to work for a company that didn’t value him as an employee just because he had a disadvantage.

He didn’t go into too much detail, choosing not to disclose what his illness was, but explained how he had it mostly under control save for the few days when unexpected occurrences arose.

He grit his teeth, fearing that the interview would come to a halt then and there, ready to give one last handshake and take his leave, but Cynthia didn’t even bat an eyelash.

No. She went on to explain how his salary would be significantly lower than if he had a degree and also told him that if hired, the company would help him to finish his schooling at whatever pace he wanted to take it at, if he so desired.

When he walked out of the building and rung his mother, he never thought he’d be able to hear the happiness in her voice when he told her he had a second interview the next day with the department head and her boss.

A few months later, he was moving to Manchester. His editing job afforded him a two bedroom flat with which him and his alters could live comfortably. It took an entire weekend and a small truck to take everything he’d stockpiled over the years, but at the end he had a place to call his own.

Many people would come to ask why Dan rented a two bedroom flat when he was the only one living there, but he still didn’t understand how to explain that just because there was one body doesn’t mean there wasn’t 4 people collecting and storing stuff.

Dan opted for the smaller of the two rooms, instead choosing to put a curtain up in the middle of the bigger room, deeming one half Evelyn’s side and one half Kalebs. There they could store their own wardrobes, books, stuffed animals, movies, ect. Having their own separate space was important to each alter and, in turn, the system. While Dan’s room was a simple black and grey colour scheme with little toys and mementos scattered about, his alters were completely different from his personal taste.

Evelyns side was decked out in pretty flowers on the windowsill and posters of boy bands covering every square inch of the walls. Two large bookcases were overflowing next to a quiet little book nook area that was once the closet. There was plenty of lighting, several lamps and fairy lights making the space appear bright and open. An ipod was attached to a small speaker, allowing for music to softly play without being too overbearing on the ambiance.

Kaleb’s side was darker, as dark as it could be with a simple black out curtain separating him from Evelyn’s light. Heavy metal band posters were strung up haphazardly, and an impressive stereo system complete with a turntable was the staple piece of the room. Records and cd’s were scattered about, a bookshelf left nearly empty where they should be contained. An ashtray sat on the windowsill of his side because even though he knew there was no smoking allowed in the flat and Evelyn would yell at him nearly every time, Kaleb would be damned if he was taking the elevator down 17 flights just to have a quick smoke.

Because Max was a relatively new alter, Dan set up a playroom of sorts in the lounge rather than splitting the spare room into threes. Where a dining room table should go stood a complex toy train rail system. The rug on the floor, rather than a boring shade of black was one with roadways and buildings drawn on, the perfect area to play with matchbox cars. An end table was filled with arts and crafts supplies, colouring books and markers, paints, beads, glue, popsicle sticks, you name it. And tucked away in the corner was a small bookshelf filled with space magazines and education workbooks.

The four of them managed to make a life together. Learning how to make time for most of everyone’s needs and prioritizing Dan’s job above most else. As Evelyn would put it, if Dan isn’t able to go to work, no one in the system would be able to afford the life that allows each to have pieces of their inner world. Max didn’t want to starve to death, Kaleb didn’t want to imagine not being able to afford his alcohol, Evelyn didn’t want to attempt to deal with finances that had no incoming paychecks and Dan, Dan just wanted some semblance of independence. They made it work. Things were going just fine until one day, when Dan met someone who would eventually become very special to him.

Dan had spent most of his life believing his disorder would force him to spend his life alone. He didn’t talk to many people outside of his family and the few coworkers he liked. He didn’t know how to make friends as well as Evelyn or Kaleb seemed to. He kept to himself and played it off like that was how he liked it. How could he be lonely with 3 other people sharing his head? Really he’d just never found anyone he thought he could trust not to walk out with his secret in tow.

It had seemed like just another day. Dan sat at his desk reading over an outline for a new potential novel. He found himself reading the words without really reading, so in an attempt to give his mind a quick break, he happened to glanced up. Just at that moment, a man in a navy blue button down and striped tie walked past, headed towards the elevators. Dan was transfixed as he’d never seen the man before in the office. As much as he wanted to look away before the man could lock eyes with him, he could hear Kaleb pestering in his ear ‘just like two more seconds, just let me look for two more seconds’.

Those two seconds were worth it when the two men finally locked eyes. Dan could see piercing blue eyes, slightly drowned out by the uncomplimentary colour of the shirt, but the strands of black hair grazing the man’s forehead still allowed them to pop. Dan realized he had been caught staring, and in response, a deep blush crept across his cheeks. The elevator doors opened and the man stepped inside alongside the boss of the fourth floor. Just before the door closed and Dan retreated back to the safe haven of his computer screen, the man gave a soft smile to Dan which sent tingles through his entire body.

Dan didn’t see the man again at work for several days. He attempted to tell himself that he wasn’t actively looking, but Evelyn wasn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit. Dan asked around to the few people he was semi-friendly with, attempting to learn anything about the man he saw for all of thirty seconds. No one could lend him any leads until the man suddenly reappeared on the floor one random day. Dan tried his best to appear nonchalant with his stares, but he wasn’t the most graceful man in the world.

Dan watched closely as the blue eyed babe walked over to one of his coworker’s computers and started to mess around with some software. In that moment, it was like every piece had placed together. The man took the elevator up to the top floor which held the IT department, which would explain why the department head was accompanying him. Most likely getting a tour of his new job and was just seeing where he would be working.

After that revelation, Dan tried to ‘break’ his computer quite regularly. He did stupid things like hide the taskbar or ‘delete’ the internet (aka move the chrome icon on the desktop into the trash bin). Everything he did was a simple fix, something his desk neighbour could just pop on and fix in a matter of seconds, not without reminding Dan that he should really learn better computer skills if he was to make his living with one. It got to the point where the alters were itching to come out just to nudge Dan into the man’s direction. While none of them particularly felt the way Dan did about this man, they could clearly see (or hear) how much Dan needed companionship.

This led to Kaleb, who never wanted to make an appearance at work simply because he hated the idea of working, to step forward and take the reigns. He walked into the break room to fill up Dan’s coffee mug, ignoring the few people who said hello to Dan along the way. He made his way back to Dan’s desk, but instead of sitting down, he pretended to trip over his own feet, something Dan would believably do, dropping the coffee all over the desk and consequently the computer.

Kaleb smiled at his work and retreated back to his inner world. Dan’s eyes glazed over and he swayed back and forth before finally coming to and looking at the mess before him. A string of curse words left his mouth, looking around in desperation for anything to mop up the spill with. The two people closest to him lept up from their seats and ran to the break room to grab some napkins. It was as Dan was doing his best to wipe up the spill that the computer screen turned a bright blue. He was fucked.

Someone else on the floor called IT and within minutes the dark haired man was on his knees, leaning under the desk to get a better look at the damage.

“I really don’t know what went wrong. I just. I’m such a clutz, I guess. I stumbled and just fell and, shit, I really can’t afford to replace this machine jesus fucking christ.” Dan started shaking, trying his best to calm down his breathing. He knew that when he started to feel panic, Evelyn would take over and that was really the last thing he wanted. Not when the man was finally in front of him.

“It’s fine. I doubt they’d make you pay for it. I’m pretty sure they’ve got insurance and stuff to cover small accidents like these. And if they don’t, just say there was something on the floor that you tripped on.” After fiddling with the wires, unplugging the computer, and waiting for it to boot back up, the man stood up and sat down in Dan’s desk chair. He spun around so that he could face Dan, and suddenly Dan’s nerves were slightly calmed, just by the man’s eyes.

“As someone who works in the IT department and has seen the feed from those security cameras, they wouldn’t know the difference.” The man seemed to catch himself on his words, taking a moment as if to consider changing the direction in which his ideas were flowing out. He pointed up to the nearest camera, shifting the gaze to the object instead. “That one is the only one near your desk and it doesn't have your desk in view. They couldn’t catch you in the lie.”

Dan had to admit that the knowledge made him feel somewhat safer, but he was never one to get away with a lie save for the lies due to his DID. The guilt would always eat away at him until Kaleb came out to tell the harsh truth. It made for a shitty time in secondary school when his parents would ask where he’d been all night and three days later he was grounded because ‘someone’ told that Dan had been at a party rather than studying late.

“While that seems tempting, I think I’d rather just pay for it. Keep a clean conscious and all.” A blush crept onto Dan’s cheeks knowing that he seemed a tad bit like an innocent child rather than an adult. Or perhaps too adult, like a stuck up adult who thought he was better for not being able to lie.

“Good choice. I don’t think I could do it myself.” The computer started making a whirring noise, catching the man’s attention away from Dan. He spun around and started to fiddle around with the machine. Dan tried to focus on the clacking on the keyboard rather than the demons in his mind. He needed to stay present.

The man messed around with the computer for at least ten minutes, Dan sitting idly by and hoping that he at least remembered to save the last of his work before his dissociation. He didn’t need to be reamed out for breaking a computer and missing a deadline.

“So I think the thing is pretty much fried.” Phil glanced over his shoulder to take a better look at Dan, subtly looking him up and down before continuing on. “If you wanna help me take it upstairs so I can see if there’s a way to fix it, I can loan you out a laptop in the meantime.”

The man started to unplug and disconnect the computer, glancing at Dan in an attempt to get some assistance. Together they managed to dismantle the computer and begin to carry it towards the elevators, Phil holding the tower and Dan with the screen and wires. It was a silent walk, but Dan’s mind was starting to go off the wire. He didn’t usually tend to have co-consciousness with this alters but this was unfortunately one of the moments the entire system decided they needed to speak.

“Dan don’t just stand there! At least ask his name or something. You’ve been trying to get this guys attention for weeks; just ask!” Evelyn's voice grated through the air followed by Kaleb who so graciously said, “Man even I’m excited about the prospect of this guy. Have you seen the man’s bulge? He’s gotta be packin and I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”

Evelyn covered Max’s ears, reprimanding Kaleb for his brashness around the child. Max’s take on the situation was far more innocent.

“He’s gottsa panda pin, Danny! He’s gottsa panda pin! They’re my favourite ooh, do you think he likes trains? I wonder if he’d play trains with me like Evelyn does!”

All of the alters continued to talk at the same time, trying and failing to get their thoughts across and heard. Dan started to get a headache from all of the commotion and when the elevator opened, Dan quickly walked inside and instantly leaned against the cool metal wall. He tried to play it off like he was tired from carrying the nearly weightless computer screen, but his eyes scrunched up tight and his face began to lose its colour. It wasn’t long before the man happened to take notice.

“Hey. Hey man, are you okay?” Dan could only make out the soundwaves and couldn’t really grasp onto the words that were being thrown his way. The man sat the tower down on the ground and stood in front of Phil, starting to take the things from Dan’s hands. “Do you need to sit down or something? Not to sound harsh but you don’t look so good.”

The alters continued to talk, Kaleb and Evelyn now taking to fighting with each other over the content of Kaleb’s thoughts. Max was starting to cry, hating to see the closest thing he had to parents fighting. It became too much for Dan to handle and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He registered that he started leaning forward into the man and the last thing he heard before leaving the conscious world was, “Hey, it’s Phil. Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Stay with me okay? I got you.” Everything went dark with the name Phil ringing throughout his head.

Dan didn’t really know how to explain the times when he wasn’t in control. His mind felt like it was trapped in an unlocked house. It was like he could escape if he wanted to but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t come up with the energy to do so. Sometimes the house had fun things to do like a computer or some books. Lately it had a tv where he could see what appeared to be recaps of the life his alters were living while Dan was gone, even then his time away felt like a distant memory that rings a bell but doesn’t open up any doors of insight.

Dan relied on context clues and others’ stories to help piece together what happened in the time he was away. His mum used to keep a journal of the things Dan’s alters did and said to see if it would help jog Dan’s memory later. It never helped, but it did fill in Dan’s planner, used to keep track of lost time. Dan was used to waking up in strange places, lying next to strange people he wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole. Once he even woke up in a completely different country. But by far the weirdest place he ever came to was a coffee shop with Phil walking towards him.

He glanced around, trying to find out anything about where he was, why he was there and how he got there. A look outside showed that it was bright out, meaning it had to have been around midday. The coffee shop was full of people, much more than would be there midday on a weekday. He frantically padded down his pockets trying to find where his phone was, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. He hoped an alter just forgot to take it with and didn’t leave it behind somewhere.

“Are you okay?” Phil, who was holding two cups in his hands, put a coffee down and pushed it across the table to Dan. His eyes were crinkled slightly in confusion but a huge smile was plastered on his face nonetheless. He wasn’t dressed in his normal business casual attire that was required at the office. Instead he had on a fox jumper and glasses that framed his face.

Dan looked back and forth between Phil and the coffee before tentatively bringing it up to his lips. He took one sip and wanted nothing more than to spit it back out. There was far too much cream in it. It was sickeningly sweet instead of harsh with a hint of sugar. It was Evelyn’s go-to pick and already he could begin to understand what he was doing here.

Even if he tried his best to pretend that he loved the drink Phil handed him, the aftertaste left in his mouth was just a little too much to keep the look of disgust off of his face. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for the drop in Phil’s happy expression, choosing to take another sip and overdramatize his love of it.

“I can tell you don’t like it. I told them exactly what you said. Half cream and 4 sugars. Is it not sweet enough?” Dan started to laugh at Phil’s joke until he realized that it wasn’t a joke at all. He was actually concerned that the baristas didn’t put enough overkill sugar in his drink. Phil was already halfway out of his chair, gently reaching across to take the drink if need be.

“Oh no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Dan gave a small smile, really not wanting to burden Phil with any extra tasks. Not to mention, if he gave a completely different order to the one he held in his hands, Phil could get suspicious. “I don��t think it’s the drink. Maybe my body just isn’t feeling the sugar like I thought it would. It’s okay, though. It’s still good.” To highlight his point he took another sip, making sure to think pleasing thoughts as he did.

“If you say so, but I really don’t mind getting you what you want. There’s no use in drinking something you don’t like.” Phil sat back down in the chair and finally took a sip of his own coffee. Dan wanted to ask what Phil had ordered, wanted to know how he took his coffee, but didn’t, for fear that him and Evelyn already discussed that.

They sat in silence for a while, just calmingly taking sips of their drinks every so often. Dan was looking around, still trying to piece together the fragments of time, and Phil just kept his eyes trained on Dan. It was like he was trying to figure out a puzzle himself, and Dan didn’t want that. Phil was looking at him as if something was different in the air, suspicious already, so Dan put a stop to that as soon as he could.

“What day is it? I keep thinking it’s Thursday.” Dan broke the silence, trying to seem as though he just casually forgot the day rather than forgetting his existence for a short while. And it was true. The last Dan remembered it was a thursday afternoon and he was waiting on an elevator.

“It’s Sunday. I’d of thought you’d know that, considering you made sure we made plans after you went to church.” A soft chuckle escaped from Phil’s lips, but it was light and airy. No sign of hostility that Dan was looking for.

Church meant Evelyn had taken Max to sunday school. Usually Dan would wake up early on Sundays and walk to the church a few blocks from his flat. While all of the older alters and Dan considered themselves on some scale of agnostic, Max was a big believer in faith. Dan liked to think it was the remnants of the few memories he had of his grandmother taking him to church and then out for ice cream when he was younger.

“Oh yeah. Days seem to run together sometimes, you know. You ever have that, where you can’t remember if what you did that morning was really that morning?” Dan laughed off his explanation, knowing that was a thing that happened to all people, not just those with a mental illness. Phil had to have experienced that at least once in his life and it should be enough to keep him off Dan’s tracks for a little while.

“Yeah. I get what you mean. I actually got fired once because I didn’t show up to work. I still swear to this day that it was a Saturday but apparently doing a no call no show on the busiest friday morning is a huge no no.” Phil’s voice was soft and reminiscent. It was nice. Dan didn’t get to do that typically without an alter stepping forward. Many of the memories he had just weren’t his to have. “You don’t strike me as a church person. I never would have guessed that from the way you were talking last night about how the point of life is to have fun and not live in fear of the unknown.”

Dan’s body became rigid, stopping mid sip to take in the information. This wasn’t the first time him and Phil were seeing each other outside of work. How many other times had there been? Had it really only been three days or was it a week since he’d been out last? His longest streak was two and a half weeks, so it’s entirely possible. He tried to rack his brain for any ideas on what they could have done yesterday, but nothing came to mind and for once in his life, his mind was seemingly all to himself.

“Oh uh. Yeah I’m not too big on it, I guess. I like to go just to have a kind of routine? I used to go when I was younger and it’s just kinda stuck, in a way.” The excuse fell flat, not nearly as convincing as his earlier story, but he didn’t have much time to prepare one. He didn’t want Phil to think he was something he wasn’t, but any way he spun, it was a lie. Max may not be him, but it was still a part of him. A part of him Phil couldn’t know about.

“I get that, in a way. Like a habit you just can’t quite break. Can’t say I understand exactly why you picked church to be that habit, but I guess.” Phil’s eyes looked off to the side, trying to find the same meaning that Dan found, but in his own life. He must have come up short because the conversation was dropped.

They continued like that for a hour or so. Going back and forth with easy conversation, Dan making sure to steer clear of things he knew Evelyn or Kaleb would have talked about if they were there. There was only so many times a person could use the excuse that they had forgotten an entire conversation that just happened not even twenty four hours ago.

Even so, there were topics Dan took risks on. He wanted to know who Phil was, and in order to find out, he needed to ask. He asked about Phil’s upbringing and his home. Where he went to school and what his degree was in. How old Phil even was and if he had any siblings. Did he live alone and did he live nearby? He took the risk and asked the pressing questions he was dying to know, and it seemed that his alters left him the getting to know you questions. After all, knowing Phil was more important to Dan than anyone else in the system, so it was only fair he got to know that information first hand.

Dan learned that Phil was 28. He grew up not far outside of Manchester and he had one older brother named Martyn. His parents were lovely people who used to pester Phil about what he was doing with his life, so Phil made it his mission to move out as soon as he was finished with University.

Unlike Dan, who was a college dropout, Phil had three degrees. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to study, so he just kept going back for new things. He had an english degree and was only a few classes short of being able to get his teaching license. After he finished school, he went back for post production, hoping to maybe get a job with some big movie studio. When that dream came to a staggering halt, Phil went back to school for a third and final time to get a degree in something akin to computer science, but less complicated.

As Phil talked about himself, Dan felt like the dirt under Phil’s shoe in comparison. But it wasn’t a normal feeling like scum he typically had. He wasn’t jealous or envious of Phil’s life. In a weird way, he was proud. If anyone deserved to be happy and successful, it was Phil. Dan was lucky to just be a blip on the man’s radar.

For once in his life, Dan felt pleasantly normal. To any outsider, Dan and Phil looked like two friends who were just hanging out. They were having normal conversations about normal topics and his mind was just his normal thoughts. As much as he wanted to be ‘normal’, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he had his alters. If they weren’t there to watch out for him, who knows if he would have even that time with Phil.

After that pleasant coffee outing, Dan found himself hanging out with Phil more often than not. For the first few weeks, he was terrified of asking Phil to go anywhere or do anything, choosing to have Phil or Evelyn make the first move.

They would go shopping together, a movie here or there, Phil would show Dan all the best tourist spots since he’d grown up in the city. Any time they were together they were either at work, out in public, or in Phil’s small studio apartment, but Dan always made sure they never went back to his flat.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Phil to see where he lived or that he liked to make it difficult on himself and always be the one to walk home late in the night when he was tired, it was just a lot of work to get his apartment ‘company ready’.

Because his flat looked as if a child lived there (because one did), an unknowing outsider to his illness would grow suspicious at the state of his lounge. In order for someone who didn’t know of Dan’s DID to come over, he had to spend a few hours putting things away.

All of Max’s toys and books had to be placed in various locking closets around the flat. The bigger toys like the trainset and the rug were tossed into the corner of Dan’s room, typically covered with a blanket or just the mess of his room would disguise it well enough. If anyone saw a child’s toy, Dan would just act as though he was holding on to his childhood toys for the day he had his own children.

The kitchen was a whole separate area of items to hide, but with an easier excuse if he got lazy. There were children’s plastic plates, cups, bowls and small plastic utensils. He’d generally place them all in a box and stick them in the highest cupboard. If anyone happened to get on a stepstool and open the obnoxiously high cabinet to find his boxes, his response was he found them easier to use when drunk.

On a good day, it could take Dan a solid hour to move everything around, but that also meant dealing with his alters. They were never particularly happy to have their stuff messed with or without their permission. Every time he picked up something that wasn’t his, he’d have to explain what he was doing, where he was putting it, how long it would be there, and in Kaleb’s case, will I be compensated in beer?

So because of this process, Dan would always steer clear of the idea of going back to his flat. If Phil would ask, he’d come up with an excuse that the heating was broken or the place was a mess or his parents were in town.

The thing about excuses is that they only last for so long.

One day, Dan had decided to work from home because Kaleb stayed out a little later than usual the night before leaving him nearly drained of all energy and a killer headache to match. He’d gotten up around 11 and made himself coffee with a piece of toast. When he finally sat down at his laptop to begin his work, his phone started to ring.

Figuring it was his mother calling to ask if he was feeling better, he didn’t bother turning the phone over to look at the number. The phone stopped ringing and he opened up his email, looking for the specific chapter he was meant to have done by tomorrow. He didn’t get through the first line when his phone rang for a second time.

He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of the screen and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yes Mom I’m fine. I’m not gonna text you any more updates on my life if this is how you’ll react every time Kaleb does something stupid.” His eyes continued to read the words on the screen believing that if he just kept looking at them he could trick himself into multitasking efficiently.

“And Kaleb would be?” Phil’s voice echoed through Dan’s head and he nearly dropped the phone onto the floor.

‘Nice work jackass. Why would your Mommy care about what I do?’

“He’s uh- he’s,” Dan racked his brain for an excuse. A cousin? No, he told Phil he only had one cousin whom is definitely not named Kaleb. A Neighbour? No, Phil knew that Dan hadn’t talked to a single person in his building. “He’s a guy who stays with me from time to time. He got kinda drunk last night and we were out really late so.”

“Right.” Phil didn’t sounds all too convinced, but it wasn’t a very convincing lie to begin with. “I thought you said you were sick last night and that’s why we couldn’t hang out.”

Dan’s head hit the desk in front of him with a thud and it took everything he had not to scream into the phone. The headache was throwing him off, distorting his capability to think rationally. He’d blame it on Kaleb for getting so drunk that he forgot to leave a note informing Dan that Phil had called to hang out.

“Uh. Yeah. I was sick but uh, Kaleb he’s a very persistent guy.” The phone was silent for an extended amount of time after Dan spoke. He almost believed that Phil had hung up on him, not that he would blame him really.

Getting caught in a lie always made Dan really anxious. It wasn’t just the idea that the person would think he didn’t care enough about them to tell the truth. Every lie was a clue and if someone caught on to enough of them, they could discover the underlying truth.

“So is he like, your boyfriend or something?” Phil asked, voice doleful and melancholy.

“No! God no!” Dan was quick to defend. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to believe he already had someone else in his life, that there wasn’t room for Phil. He tried to keep his crush on Phil at bay simply because the possibility that anything between them could happen was almost rock bottom, he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his already miniscule chances. “Not only is that an impossible relationship, but it’s also really weird. Kaleb is not my kind of person.”

“And yet you go to bars with him?” Phil was confused, that much was easy to tell. Dan wanted to make it easier to understand, to clear the subject and move on from it, but he wasn’t sure how.

“I wouldn’t say I willingly go. It’s just kind of a thing that happens. It’s hard to explain.” Dan sighed, his hand going up to the back of his neck and giving a gentle massage. It wasn’t a cure for his anxiety, but it was a help. “Can we just like, not talk about this? What’s going on? How’s work?”

“Work is terrible.” Phil’s voice didn’t sound any happier, the subject change only seeming to make it go from bad to worse. “Markus is being a complete dick today. He handed me a huge list of things to do and demanded they be done by the end of the day. I just don’t understand how someone who has zero experience in IT gets to be the manager of the IT department. Even so, anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s highly unlikely one person could install software on 80 individual computers in 7 hours. That’s like, five minutes per computer with no break.”

Dan wanted to laugh, not because the situation was funny but because he knew it all too well. The manager of the editing department was promoted from sales, so he was frequently hit with hard deadlines and feats no one human could accomplish. He refrained from laughing given the tone of the entire conversation they’d been having, chosing to go with sympathy instead.

“That fucking sucks. At least you’re getting a lunch this time. Remember when the district manager came for a visit and they were working you around the clock?”

“Yeah those few days were the worst. I only got to see you for all of five minutes in four days. Hardest four days of my life.” Phil’s voice was starting to get its life back, slowly forgetting about anything Kaleb related.

“Trust me, seeing you that stressed out was not the highlight of my life either. “ Dan cracked a smile, assuming that Phil meant the work but allowing himself to believe for a sliver of a second that the lack of communication with Dan made that week hard. “That’s why I stayed so late that night that I ended up crashing on your couch. Clearly bad things happen when we go too long without seeing each other.”

“Do you think I could come over after work? I just really don’t want to go to my empty flat and wallow.” Phil asked apprehensively.

Dan opened his mouth, but no excuse came out.

“Of course.”

After that day, Phil came over to Dan’s place more often. They ended up spending more time at Dan’s than Phil’s which was a huge achievement on Dan’s part. He liked having Phil over, it showed Phil a little more about his life, allowed him to gain just a little more trust.

The alters also got on board with a new schedule when Phil was coming over. If one was out when plans with Phil were made, that alter would put all of Max’s things away and lock the spare room. A note would usually be left for Dan saying that Phil was coming over that day or that he had been there. Having Phil over almost became second nature to them all, finding a way to enjoy Phil’s company and welcoming the change in pace.

But that didn’t always mean things ran smoothly and sometimes accidents happened.

Kaleb was always a night owl, even more so than Dan. He could stay out all hours of the night, drinking until the sun came up. He had a few select pubs and clubs he liked to frequent, especially when he was looking for a quick hook up.

He typically dominated Friday nights. He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go out partying during the work week, not that he always listened, so as soon as Dan was home from work on friday afternoons, Kaleb was out and ready to go.

He’d hop in the shower almost immediately after he was in control, needing to get the stench of corporate greed off his body. After getting out, he’d go to his room in his towel, turn his stereo as high up as it could go, and sit by his window. A master of his craft, he’d have a blunt rolled and lit in under two minutes. It was the perfect way to start off the night.

Once he was properly high, he’d set about actually getting ready. While Dan was more into the black skinny jeans that showed off every inch of his body, Kaleb was more into dark blue and green skinny jeans that cut off at the knee. His t-shirts were almost all the same, some obscure heavy metal band that no one could possibly have heard of.

He prefered his hair to be up in a quiff. In his inner world he had short blonde hair, so getting Dan’s fringe out of the way was usually his first instinct. He’d go through half a can of hairspray before he was happy with the result.

Kaleb was a fan of makeup, particularly mascara as it made his eye’s pop. His sole goal of going out was to get laid so accentuating his best features was key to achieving that. With a small amount of eyeliner and some blush on his cheeks to give him more colour, he deemed himself good enough to go out.

Kaleb and Evelyn both had their own friends whom they would hang out with when they were out. Kaleb pulled out his phone and started texting his normal group of friends telling them to meet him at their local pub. He took one last look in the mirror before he was out the door for the night.

A high tolerance for alcohol, something Dan did not have, meant that kaleb was fisting drinks left and right all night. He was downing shot after shot in hopes that the next one would get him drunk enough to feel like himself and not the man whose body he occupied.

He didn’t start talking to strangers until well into the night. He wasn’t one for conversation and he didn’t want to end his night early even if that meant he was headed home with someone. But by the time three am rolled around and he was striking out left and right, he decided to call it a night and head home.

That didn’t stop him from continuing to try to get laid.

When he arrived back at the flat, he pulled a beer out of the fridge and flopped down on the couch. He scrolled through his phone, looking at all of the names in it in an attempt to find a fuck buddy for the night. No one caught his eye until he saw Phil.

It was a risky move considering Phil was off limits. Dan was practically head over heels in love with the guy, but lowered inhibitions threw rational thought out of the window and before he knew it, he was opening up his messages.

‘Hey buttercup. You still awake?’ Kaleb was the only one who called Phil ‘buttercup’. Dan absolutely loathed the nickname, but Kaleb found it flirty. Phil found it cute, returning with an equally gross nickname as a response most of the time.

He didn’t really expect a reply considering it was well into the middle of the night, but when his phone went off a minute later, he was instantly grabbing for it.

‘Sadly. :( I’ve been trying to sleep for hours but it’s just not my night I guess. What’s up, love bug?’

‘I’m booorreeed. Come play with me. ;)’ It took everything Kaleb had not to come out and just say ‘fuck me’.

While Kaleb wasn’t big on Phil’s personality, he wouldn’t lie and say Phil was unattractive. He spent countless nights imagining getting Phil to sleep with him, to fuck him hard into the mattress. That was his biggest motivation for being on board with everything related to Phil. If Dan could get Phil, that would mean he could too. He wouldn’t have to go out as often in pursuit of a stranger to fuck. He could have someone on call whenever he wanted.

‘Come play with you? Are you the twins from the shining or something? Lol’

Kaleb groaned. Leave it to Phil to completely miss the point. His patience was growing thin. In an attempt to calm himself down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There was only one left and he cursed himself for not thinking ahead.

‘No, but I could be if you want me to. I can be whatever you like.’

He put the last cigarette to his lips, ignoring Evelyn's complaints that he was smoking in the living room, and lit it as quickly as he could. Just as he took in his first inhale, he got a text.

‘I like you just the way you are, Dan. I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. Are you drunk? Haha’

Kaleb rolled his eyes, almost regretting even reaching out to Phil. If the boy could just keep his mouth closed and his pants off, he might be in better standings.

‘Maaybe but that doesn’t change anything. Just come over. I promise we’ll have a good time.’

‘I think you should get some sleep. Before you say some things that you might regret and before I do some things I might regret.’

Regret? No one ever regret a night with Kaleb. That was more Dan’s speed, but Kaleb? He could rock Phil’s entire world, leave him speechless for days.

‘Do something you’ll regret? That must mean there’s something you’re wanting to do but are afraid to. I won’t regret anything and I know I can make you feel like same. Just come over and let me help you enjoy yourself.’

Nearing the end of his cigarette and already desperate for a second one, he quickly doubled texted.

‘And bring me a pack of cigarette, I’ve run out. I like a nice smoke after I give someone a good time.’

‘A good time huh? That does sound appealing’ Phil replied quickier than Kaleb thought, almost as if Phil was reacting on his first instinct instead of thought. He felt like he had it in the bag. He had Phil in the palm of his hand, he had to. He was in the middle of a reply back, a raunchy text to seal the deal when Phil texted again.

‘How about I stop by tomorrow. We can spend the day together when you’re sober and we can see what happens. There's hopefully plenty of nights in the future.’

‘Or you could just come over tonight and stay until the morning.’ He knew it was a lost cause, but he had to give it one last try. He was so horny and in need of a release.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Good night.’

In a fit of drunk anger, Kaleb threw the phone onto the other side of the cough, resigning himself to a wank before bed.

He came with Phil’s lips on his mind and he promised himself he’d get Phil. If the boy was interested, he was happy.

The blaring generic ringtone catapulted Dan from his dream and he sleepily ran his hand around in an attempt to find it. He took one look at the name calling and bolted up in his bed. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to knock out the sound of sleep before sliding the green bar over to answer it.

“Hello?” Dan’s voice was soft and even just with one word it was evident that he was sleeping not two minutes ago. He took the phone away from his ear and turned speakerphone on, racing to open up his messages and see if there was something he missed.

“Hey. Did I wake you? I was just calling cause last night you asked me to pick you up a pack of cigarettes on my way over, but you never told me what kind. Also did you want any snacks or anything? I got some crisps but I wasn’t sure what else you might like.” There was a rustling of bags in the background and a booming incoherent voice over an intercom. Phil was already in the store and Dan had to think on his feet.

Dan groaned just before finally opening his messages. He didn’t even have to read them to know that Kaleb had been the one to invite Phil over judging from the time of the last message. As he scrolled through them, he was getting secondhand embarrassment from the outright sexual messages Kaleb was sending, but what was even more shocking was that Phil had been sending them back.

Dan silently cursed Kaleb and his lazy ass for not going out to buy his own cigarettes. Dan didn’t want Phil to think of him as a smoker. He hated smokers.

“Yeah. Um. I think.” He tried to rack his brain, attempting to remember just what Kaleb smoked. As much as he wanted to tell Phil to just forget the request, he knew Kaleb would be furious. A furious Kaleb was a recipe for disaster. “I think it’s just a pack of Black American Spirits. And I’m fine with whatever snacks. We could also just order a shitload of pizza or something.”

“You think? You don’t even know for certain what you smoke?” Another one of Phil’s signature chuckles came through the receiver and Dan flinched. He should have been more on the ball but knocking off sleep wasn’t helping his already lacking memory. “You must be really tired. You never cease to amaze me, Howell. I’ll be over in about ten minutes or so. Just gotta grab a few more things and I’ll be over.”

Dan stuttered out some nonsensical goodbye before ending the call. He quickly read through as many messages as he could before remembering that he hadn’t showered yet and the lounge was covered in children’s toys. There was no way he could possibly cover for that without appearing as though he was a father or he was into some really weird shit.

He lept out of bed, powering through the headrush that overcame him. He went straight for the lounge, grabbing as much of Max’s stuff as he could and dragging it down into Evelyn and Kaleb’s room.

“Hey why are you moving my stuff! That’s not where that goes!” Max said in a pout.

“That’s my room you fuck, don’t put his stupid shit in there. We all agreed my side of the room was off limits,” Kaleb’s voice followed almost immediately after.

The alters went back and forth, telling Dan every instance of how they weren’t okay with what he was doing until Dan finished. He grabbed a key out of his own bedside drawer and locked up the spare room. There was no way in hell Phil was going to see that room.

The alters were all still complaining. Dan had messed up their spaces and they weren’t afraid to let him know he was in the wrong. Dan tried to power through without commenting, running to quickly change and spray himself with deodorant to hide the fact that he hadn’t had a shower. Soon it became too much. He was doing another once over in the lounge, making sure he got everything when Max started to cry and Dan lost it.

“Listen. I get it. Your shit is out of sorts and you’re mad at me but can you please just shut the fuck up while Phil is here? I’ll move everything back when he’s gone and you can bitch and complain and put it back in the right spots later, but you all know that we need to keep this shit under wraps. If he finds out…” Dan trails off as a soft knock can be heard at the door. Dan doesn’t even finish the rest of his thought, leaving it up to the alters to figure out the rest. Instead he heads over to the door and takes a tentative look out of the peephole to see Phil standing sheepishly with two shopping bags in his hands.

Dan takes a deep breath, saying a silent prayer to no one that Phil didn’t hear any of the outburst, and opens the door with a wide grin on his face.

“Hey. I didn’t buzz you in. How’d you even get in? Dan asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but coming off somewhat standoffish. He moved back and opened the door a little wider, making room for Phil to walk into the flat. While he knew that everything was packed away, he couldn’t help but be on edge. His secret felt like it was teetering on a cliffside.

“Someone held the door open for me since I was carrying stuff. I guess if you’re holding enough stuff you can get in just about anywhere.” Phil’s cheeks tinted a noticeable pink compared to the rest of his complexion as he walked towards the small kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was still thinking about those texts, if he was coming over to see if anything would happen between them.

Phil put the bags down and started to unpack them while Dan got out a few bowls to put the snacks in so they could be handy. Once everything was out, Phil pulled a pack of American Spirits out of his jacket pocket and handed them out to Dan.

“I hope these are the correct ones. I’m not a smoker so I don’t really know the difference.” Phil gave a soft smile as their hands gently touched one another's. Dan wasn’t one for the idea of sparks and all that, but he was certain he felt tingles in all the places his skin touched Phil’s. “We can head down so you can have one if you want. I know last night you said you were out of them.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel warm as Phil offered to go downstairs with him albeit thankful that he left out the part where Kaleb mentioned having a smoke after sex. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure Dan got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the healthiest for him. Most people would comment that he should quit or explain to him how it was a terrible habit to have, and Dan would just have to grit his teeth and bear through, considering he believed every word they said anyway. But having his alters came with a price, and being labeled a smoker wasn’t the worst he could be dealt.

“No. It’s fine.” Dan politely shook his hand and opened up a drawer to place the pack into. He was hoping that Kaleb was able to see and remember where they were being placed for when he came out later. “I’m really not much of a smoker. Just when I’m drunk. And occasionally when my emotions are really intense. I actually don’t really like smoking too much.”

As Dan closed the drawer closed, he turned his attention back to the bowls of snacks and started to pick them up, hoping to put an end to the conversation. The less he had to talk about his lost time, the less lies he had to remember.

“Ah. I was that way in Uni.” Phil took Dan’s lead and picked up the remaining snacks as he followed Dan into the lounge. He very clearly didn’t pick up the hint that Dan didn’t want to continue talking about this, but Phil so obviously wanted Dan to think he was okay with it, even if he wasn’t. “I used to bum off my friends when we would go out on the weekends and sometimes when I had a really rough paper due, I would just give in and ask my flatmate for one.”

“Yeah. I don’t even remember smoking last night. Really I don’t remember much at all. One moment I was at the bar and the next you were calling saying you were on your way over.” Dan powered through the want building up inside him. He wanted to play along with Kaleb’s game, wanted Phil to think he wanted him like that, but that wasn’t Dan.

“Oh.” Was all Phil said, disappointment flowing through his body language.

Dan decided to just drop the conversation, not wanting to question Phil’s tone. It didn’t feel right. Instead, they silently put the bowls down on the coffee table, arranging them in a way that they could still put their feet up on it if they wanted to. While Phil sat down on the couch, Dan started to rummage around with his game consoles. By this point he didn’t even have to ask Phil what he wanted to play, as they pretty much did the same thing every time.

Dan tossed Phil a controller and walked back over to the couch, ready to get comfortable next to Phil. As the game started to boot up, Dan plopped down on the cushion next to Phil, not quite touching like Kaleb would and not light years apart like Evelyn.

Once they were both in position, feet up on the table, bowl of crisps between them, and the start screen on, they fell into their routine.

Dan always loved the silence that lingered between them. He never believed that a sign of a good relationship was when you could sit in comfortable silence together, but Phil had just blown every preconceived notion out of the park when he walked into his life. Still, the question burned in the back of his mind. He needed to know if Phil was really okay with Kaleb’s habits. He needed to know if there was hope.

“Do you hate smokers?”

Dan watched Phil’s long fingers as they carefully paused the game. Phil took his feet off of the table and turned his body so he was facing Dan completely. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan wanted to retreat and look away but found he was stuck in a trance. He couldn’t shy away, he had to face what he started.

“Why would you think that?” Phil’s eyes wrinkled, concern etching the entirety of his face. It sent a pang through Dan’s chest, like he’d done something wrong, like he’d broken Phil’s trust. He knew that wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop himself from breaking down inside.

“I don’t know.” Dan mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to finish the conversation he’d forced them to have. “Just, most people do and I’ve had countless people who have said they couldn’t be around me cause I smoke sometimes. And I get it cause I don’t even like smoke, but just like. I don’t know. It’s still a shitty feeling I guess, people walking out for something I can’t really help.”

Dan hoped that Phil wouldn’t rebuttal that. He’d hoped that Phil wouldn’t ask how it couldn’t be helped when it was a conscious choice to most. He didn’t know if he had it in him to give another lie to the man sat in front of him.

“Of course I don’t hate smokers. It’s an addiction and it’s not my place to say one way or another what anyone does with their body.” Phil tentatively reached his hand out and rested it on top of Dan’s. That stupid spark could be felt again. “I would never judge you, Dan. Everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves they want to keep hidden. I’m not gonna leave you because you do something I don’t. I like you, habits and all. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide them.”

And while Phil didn’t know exactly the extent of the meaning in his words, Dan felt a little more at ease with their arrangement.

They spent the rest of the day relaxing, switching easily from Smash Bros, to Phil watching Dan play Skyrim, to watching disgustingly cheesy rom coms. By the end of the night, the snacks were almost completely gone and there were two empty pizza boxes tossed onto the floor.

While Dan wanted Phil to stay the night, he felt it was still too soon. They’d only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and that was more Kaleb’s expertise anyway. Not to mention the locked room that had to be unpacked before his alters told him off.

As the day started to end and the two boys collectively began to clean up the lounge together, a bright light emanated from the sky outside the window.

“Shoot. I think it’s gonna start storming soon. I should head home before it hits.” Phil made his way over to the window, starting to count the time between the lightning and the distamt noise it made. Dan would have recognized what he was doing, trying to see how far away the storm was, but his anxiety was starting to increase.

Dan hated storms. They were one of his biggest fears. But the problem with storms wasn’t the storm itself, it was with Max. The loudness and bright flashes tended to scare Max so much that he was ultimately forced forward, having to be the one to deal with it on his own. Dan still didn’t understand why that happened since Max was more afraid than Dan, but it did.

Dan started to quicken his pace, trying to clean up and get Phil out faster. While he knew that Phil had been with him when his alters were out, he didn’t really see him transition save for that first time at the coffee shop. Max would be so afraid that there was no way he would be able to focus on pretending to be Dan. Part of his secret would start to fall.

“Well you best be on your way then. Thanks so much for st-” A crash of thunder stopped Dan mid sentence and the colour drained from his face. He put his arm around Phil’s back and began a quicken walked towards the door. “For stopping by. I’ll see you soon; tomorrow maybe? Of course, tomorrow I’ll see you at work. Obviously. But yeah, thanks. It was fun.”

Dan didn’t even care at this moment if he came off as rude. He needed Phil out and he was hoping he would take the hint. Thankfully for once, Phil did.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later. Have a good night.” Phil grabbed his coat on the way, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys before opening the door.

“Text me when you get home safe. It’s late and it’s the city and it’s raining. I don’t want to hear about you on the news.” Dan watched as Phil walked out of the door and into the hall. Rather than closing the door on him, he walked out and embraced Phil in a quick hug. Some simple reassurance before he was left alone for the night.

It wasn’t too much longer after Dan closed the door that he started feeling dizzy. He tried to hold on just a bit longer, wanting to at least unlock the spare room before Max came out, but he didn’t have enough time.

One of the best things about Max was that he was the easiest to have co-consciousness with. Dan could usually see and hear the things Max could, making it a bit easier to remember those lost hours. This was particularly common when Max was in high levels of distress.

As the storm grew louder, Max bolted down the hallway to the spare room, pulling as hard as he could on the knob that wouldn’t budge.

The key.

He checked his pockets, the drawers in the kitchen, Dan’s set of keys on the hook by the door. He tentatively opened up Dan’s room and checked in the closet, on his end tables, and even the bed. It was nowhere to be found.

With another loud crash the power went out and Max went into a frenzy. While he was trauma free, he was still a rather anxious child, and feeling trapped in the dark during the middle of a storm was not his idea of a pleasant outing.

With shaking hands, he pulled out Dan’s phone and opened it to Phil’s contact information. Without a second thought, he put the receiver up to his ear and started to pace around the room.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s voice came albeit a tad muffled as the sound of heavy rain was drowning out most other sounds.

“N-no. Could you come b-back please?” Max could feel himself starting to cry and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was a big boy, he was too old to cry. Or so he thought.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m not too far away, I’ll be right there.” The sound of wind could be heard and Phil’s breath started to quicken; he was running.

“Could you stop and get a colouring book or something? I-I need a distraction.” Max turned out of Dan’s room and into the kitchen. Looking through all the drawers he could get his hands on, no candles could be found anywhere. Just a simple lighter that was tucked away with Kaleb’s things. “Maybe a torch or some candles or something. The power's out. It’s dark.”

“Anything. I think there’s a shop still open on the next block over. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be there. Stay calm, take some deep breaths. You’ll be alright.”

Max hung up after promising Phil that he would do as he said and he ran to Dan’s room to get all of the blankets and pillows that he could find. If he couldn’t brave the dark and storm, a fort sure could help.

He set to work, moving the furniture around so he could use the back of the sofas as walls and drape the blankets across them. He had one going over the top like a roof and two draping down either side to enclose the fort. He filled the inside with a blanket base and six pillows that he had found. He wrapped himself up in a small galaxy blanket that he liked to cuddle with and was all set to hide away in his fort when the buzzer rang.

It nearly scared him to the point where he was frozen, but he remembered quickly that the buzzer meant Phil and Phil meant not having to brave the storm alone.

He dashed off to the front door and pressed the button to let Phil into the building. It was only a matter of time before there was a soft knock at the door and Max was swinging it open, jumping into Phil’s arms before the man could even step inside.

“It’s okay. I got you. It’s just a storm, I won’t let it hurt you.” Phil dropped the bag from his second shop run on the ground beside them and he wrapped his arms around Max’s frame. He ran his arms up and down Max’s body, doing what little he could to soothe the boy.

Eventually Max let go, feeling vulnerable with the door to Dan’s flat open. He picked the bag up off the ground before Phil could bend down to grab it and he went straight for the fort in his lounge.

Phil followed in behind and watched as Dan’s body retreated into the dark of the flat, pulling up of of the blanket walls in order to crawl inside.

Max quickly sat down and got to work pulling out the torches and bringing light back into the flat. It was a small comfort that he missed dearly. Next he went for the colouring book, seeing that Phil sprung for the 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener.

“Could I come in?” A voice sounded from outside the fort, bringing Max out of his thoughts.

Rather than answer with words he just pulled the blanket aside so Phil could settle in alongside him.

They didn’t talk. Rather, Phil leaned up against the back of the couch and Max settled in between his legs, resting his head back on Phil’s chest. He had a blanket pulled up over them, making sure that Phil tucked it behind himself so Max was as snug as a bug. His knees were pulled up, allowing the colouring book to rest on his legs as Phil held a torch at its pages.

They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The only movement between them being the scribble of Max’s crayon’s against paper and the occasional physical reassurance Phil gave any time a particularly loud clap of thunder happened.

Dan woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck and a large, blunt object digging into his side. He groaned and wriggled around slightly to pull a small torch out from under his body. He looked around, trying to get his bearings on the situation.

The back of one of his couches was in front of him and he was surrounded by pillows. He was laid on the floor, a mixture of battery operated lights and crayons scattered around the area. He went to sit up when he noticed the arm wrapped around his midsection.

He found himself muttering ‘please be phil, please be phil’ as he cocked his head back to look over his shoulder. There, sleeping peacefully, black strands of hair falling into his eyes, was Phil.

Normally this is when Dan would start freaking out. When he would question what had happened and how he could best escape, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to be selfish and stay in Phil’s embrace. He craved the affection of the man who stayed with his alter, kept him safe while he coloured. He had never wanted anything more.

So he stayed put. He turned over and buried his face into Phil’s chest. His left arm went around Phil’s waist and his hand held tight onto the man’s shirt. He could feign sleep if he needed to, but in that moment he really didn’t care.

Sometime after Dan was woken up again to a blaring noise coming from somewhere in the fort. He could feel Phil start to move around, doing his best not to move Dan too much as he reached to turn off his phone’s alarm. Once the ringing stopped, Phil pulled Dan closer, placing a gentle kiss to the younger’s hair. Dan hoped that he wasn’t the only one with a strong desire to stay in the warm embrace.

It was a peaceful moment but short lived nonetheless.

“Dan. We have to start getting ready for work.” Phil’s voice was low and full of sleep, exactly how Dan imagined it would be, not that he spent a lot of time thinking about how Phil would sound in the mornings.

Phil’s hand started running through Dan’s hair, picking up a few stray curls and gently letting them fall back into place. If Dan hadn’t been thinking about calling out before, it certainly was running through his mind like wildfire now.

“Dan. Come on. Up up. Go get in the shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.” Phil cooed, starting to pull himself apart from Dan’s body.

“I really don’t want to. You shower first, I’ll sleep.” Dan mumbled barely coherent words as he buried his face deeper into Phil’s chest. He’d be damned if he was getting up right now, now when Phil was embodying all of his senses at once; it was nearly heaven.

“I can’t shower here. I have no clothes to change into. Also I need to go home to get my glasses anyway.” Dan rolled back to look up at Phil. His eyes were red and puffy and he was rocking full on bedhead. “I slept with my contacts in which is never good.”

Even though he didn’t want to, he sat up, his head hitting straight into the blanket ceiling. His arms reached up in an attempt to stretch, but the entire fort came crashing down instead. Laughter bounded through the room and Dan did his best to push the blanket off of their heads.

“Shut up.” Dan mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before aiming to stretch once again. “If I didn’t break the fort, I would have resigned myself to staying in it all day so I guess dumb luck.”

Phil’s laughter didn’t cease, rather turning into a low, hearty chuckle. This resulted in Dan giving Phil a playful shove and standing up in case Phil retaliated.

Once he was up, he took the time to look around for his phone, knowing that it would most likely need a quick charge before heading into work. He’d be damned if he would leave the house without it.

He found it on the ground just outside the fort and picked it up. Before walking back towards his room, he picked up Phil’s as well.

“You go ahead and shower; I can loan you some clothes. I mainly own black so you’re gonna look a bit off for the day, but it should be fine.” As Dan headed down the hallway towards his room, his voice got softer and softer. He’d imagined Phil in his clothes multiple times and the reality of it was exciting.

“Hey at the very least it will give people in the office something new to speculate about!” Phil yelled from the other room.

Rifling through a box in his closet, he came across his spare charger. He plugged it in next to his charger by the bedside table and left the phones there. Phil’s phone screen came to life as it was plugged in, indicating it was now charging, but also revealing the new background Dan hadn’t seen.

The picture was rather dark, the only lighting coming from the moon, but it was unmistakable that Dan and Phil were in the photo. They were laying on the ground of some field, Dan hiding his face in Phil’s chest while Phil looked down at him in complete awe. He didn’t remember the moment, but from what he could tell, it was special to someone in the system.

A smile crept upon Dan’s face, his body tingling all over. He was happy, content. His normal pang of jealousy when seeing evidence of an alter enjoying Phil’s company was missing, his guard down for the first time in years. Because of this, it was easier for Evelyn to slip through.

Evelyn was in the body most mornings. As the protector, it was her job to get Dan ready for the day ahead. She was very used to her routine, so when she walked out into the living room to grab a glass of water and take their morning pills, seeing Phil cleaning up the lounge with no shirt on was quite the shock.

She was about to ask what had transpired but the sight of pillows and blankets phil was folding and stacking on the couch was enough information to get by. Max was the only one to make forts and he only did them when he was scared.

Evelyn, who hadn’t warmed up to Phil in the way the rest of the alters did, walked past him and continued on her way to the kitchen. While Max enjoyed the childlike wonder Phil had, Kaleb digged the overall sex appeal of the man, and Dan wanted to kiss the ground he walked on, Evelyn was still wary.

Evelyn was the one who took care of everyone. In the inner world, she was the mother to Max and a big sister to Kaleb. She kept them all in line, helping them with their problems and keeping emotions at bay. While Phil hadn’t exactly posed a threat to the system yet, he posed a threat to Evelyn. So far he had proven to Dan, Max and Kaleb that he could protect them, love them, keep them safe. If Phil was in their lives, Evelyn felt as though she would be tossed to the side. A useless part of the system with Phil there to guide them.

Letting Phil into her life meant giving over some of the control, allowing someone else to make sure Dan was getting enough sleep and arriving to work on time. She couldn’t trust Phil to be that person, not yet, possibly not ever.

Still, keeping Dan happy and healthy was her number one priority and as the boy was so deeply enamoured with the man, she kept her concerns mainly to herself.

She filled up a glass of water, drinking about half of it before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out the pill container with the days listed on them. She popped up the sunday container, dumping the pills onto the table and proceeded to take them one by one, a hefty gulp in between.

“So uh, If I’m gonna take a shower I’m gonna need a towel.” Phil’s voice came from out of nowhere and Evelyn nearly started choking on a vitamin tablet she just swallowed. She looked up to see Phil standing in front of her. “Also if you could give me the clothes so I could get changed into them right after, it would be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah give me a second.” Her eyes instantly fell from Phil’s gaze as she continued what she was doing, completely disregarding Phil’s presence entirely. She was generally better about her disapproval towards Phil, but mornings forced her to be so focused that she couldn’t compute the notion.

When the last pill was swallowed, she took the medicine bottles out of the same cabinet and refilled the sunday portion. She was aware of Phil’s eyes on her, aware that he must have noticed a change in ‘Dan’s’ demeanor. She didn’t veer from her routine, knowing it could be played off as morning grogginess.

With the pills away and the glass placed into the sink to be washed, she turned her attention back to the shirtless man. Without a word, she motioned for him to follow her down the hall and into the bathroom. Inside was a smaller shelf that held towels and washcloths.

“You can use anything in the shower. There’s a pretty wide variety in there.” Almost certain that Dan hadn’t thought to take out the four vastly different kinds of body wash and shampoo, she went for the ‘ignore and act as though it’s normal’ schtick. “Give me two seconds and I’ll get you some things to change into.”

She’d left Phil to return to Dan’s room. She would have preferred he come along to pick out what he wanted, but Max’s train set was shoved into the corner of the room and Phil would pick up on it instantly. By now she knew Phil’s style and Dan’s was nothing like Phil’s. Dan’s clothes were devoid of life while Phil preferred to drown in it.

Going through Dan’s closet and coming up with only a new pair of boxers and some black trousers led her to pulling the key from the bedside table and going to unlock the spare room. She took a quick survey of the surroundings, being sure Phil wasn’t lurking around, and opened the door to her shared room.

Her wardrobe was brighter than Dan’s, move up to speed with what Phil liked to wear. She was searching for a button down that was the perfect balance between bright and happy yet professional. She stumbled upon a scarlet coloured button down, a tiny little koala embroidered onto the breast pocket.

She carried them down to the bathroom, hanging them up on the door so they wouldn’t wrinkle. When she opened the door enough to peer in, Phil was down to his boxers, attempting to figure out how the shower came on.

Evelyn typically referred to herself as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but in that moment she understood Dan and Kaleb’s obsession.

While Phil wasn’t overly toned, he had clear muscle definition, particularly in his arms. He had little pudgy love handles and legs that went on for miles. His back had little freckles spread about, a map of sorts just waiting for someone to play connect the dots. And his ass, his ass was divine, a gift from the gods as Kaleb would say.

“Need a little help?” She shook herself out of the daze, already feeling behind schedule and remembering that she had to keep Phil at a distance. Phil jumped in the air, evidently started with a small yelp passing through his lips.

“Uh, yes please.” Phil responded, standing straight up, polite in his reply. Phil was usually that way around Evelyn, picking up on ‘Dan’s’ mood change and following accordingly.

Her hand came up, motioning the man out of the way and she expertly pulled a lever and turned a few knobs. She felt the water temperature before moving out of the way and going back into the hallway.

“Clothes are hanging here and I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast if you need me. Try not to be too long as we’re already running into the risk of being late.”

When she was halfway through preparing breakfast, it taking slightly longer than normal as there was two mouths to feed instead of one, Phil came out completely dressed. His hair was damp, but his fringe was styled in his normal way, air drying into place. The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was give up control and let Phil finish the most important part of her schedule, but if they had any hope of getting to the office on time, she had to trust him enough not to mess breakfast up.

Her shower was quick, washing down everything in a timely manner, her mind occupied with thoughts of Phil in her kitchen. She caught herself hoping he would fail, hoping he would prove all of her concerns correct. It was far easier than admitting she could be wrong, admitting she no longer had a secure place.

To her surprise, the flat had not burned down. Phil was plating up the pancakes when she walked out into the kitchen, several different kinds of toppings were out with spoons in them and even two full glasses of orange juice were poured.

They ate in silence, but it wasn’t the silence she knew Phil had with Dan. She could tell he had something on his mind but wasn’t quite sure how to word it. She didn’t ask him to say what he was thinking though, preferring not to hear what would come out of his mouth.

It was when they were cleaning up, Evelyn reluctantly giving in to Phil’s adamant request that he help with the dishes, that Phil finally voiced his concerns. They were stood side by side, Phil scrubbing down the dishes in the sink and handing them off to Evelyn who proceeded to dry them off and put them away.

“Are you okay? You seem a little, on edge, I guess you could say.” Phil spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the dishes in front of him. There was concern lacing his voice and Evelyn took notice of how genuine it sounded.

“I’m fine.” She said flatly.

“I know you’re not. I think I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right.” Phil answered quickly. He momentarily stopped his hands to glance up at Evelyn, but quickly went back to the task at hand.

“Do you really know me well enough? I think you know parts of me but not all the little bits and pieces.” Evelyn retorted.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil was sincerely curious about her choice of words, wanting to understand what was happening, wanting to be a confidant.

“I think there are different versions of me, and I don’t think you would like them all.”

Phil didn’t hesitate in his response.

“There could be a million versions of you across the whole of the universe and I would find something to love in every single one.”

Evelyn immediately froze in place, dish rag stalling in her hands and looked up at Phil. His body was calm and a small smile was etched across his lips, almost as if he was thinking about a world with a million Dan’s laid out in front of him. The joy he would get at spending his life with a million people who were exactly the same yet so, so different.

He’d noticed she stopped what she was doing and turned to look up at her.

“What is it? Am I doing the dishes wrong? Please tell me, I don’t want to mess up your flow.” His words were authentic and for once she believed Phil could want the best for them all.

“No no. It’s fine. I trust you.” She wished she could elaborate. Wished she could explain why she trusted him and to the extent at which she did, but it wasn’t hers to explain.

Instead she did the one thing she knew she could to show her love.

Her nose started to tingle and her eyes closed.

“Please don’t ever forget that I care about you and I always will.” Phil’s voice was getting distant as Evelyn slipped back, but every single person in the system could hear his words.

‘Don’t you dare let him go, Dan Howell.’

“I won’t.” Dan whispered.

As their friendship grew on and Phil started spending more and more nights over at Dan’s, the idea of a romance between the two became less of a fantasy Dan could only dream of in the dead of night and more of a possibility.

Their touches lingered for longer, their conversations became deeper, forehead and shoulder kisses became more common, and an overwhelming sadness fell over any time they had to part.

They became the talk of the office, frequently showing up dressed in the others clothing, going out to lunch most days and when one was out sick, the other was either home as well or may as well be with how lost they appeared throughout the day.

To outsiders, even Dan and Phil’s families, they seemed to be your normal happy go lucky honeymoon phased couple. And that would be true had they been dating. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be dating Phil, of course he did. He would kill to be able to add a morning kiss onto their new Evelyn approved morning routine. He just couldn’t get up the courage to actually say the words.

He’d attempted one night, asking Phil if he wanted to go out to dinner. Dan made reservations at a fancy upscale Italian restaurant nearby, and dressed up in one of his nicest outfits. While Dan thought it was obvious he’d meant a date, when Phil showed up at his place severely underdressed, it was evident Phil did not catch on.

But it wasn’t as if the romantic undertones between the two were one sided. Phil would frequently compliment Dan. He would add little unnecessary touches in the middle of conversation and, during the night when he thought Dan was asleep, he would intertwine their fingers.

Even the alters knew they should be together. Evelyn would frequently invite Phil over and give Dan back the reins seconds before Phil showed up at the door. Kaleb would take Phil out for a night of pub hopping in hopes of a late night confession and possible make out session. Even Max would ask Phil about his future, if he wanted to be married or if he saw himself with kids one day.

Everyone but Dan could work out a way to make it happen, he was just far too insecure to take a leap and grab the things he wanted out of life.

But that led to a day when Dan woke up in bed, an arm slung over his waist. It wouldn’t have been alarming, as Phil normally held him when he slept over, but no, this time Dan was practically naked.

He sat up quickly, Phil’s arm flinging off of his body and landing back on the bed. The swift movement startled Phil awake, and assuming that Dan had a nightmare of some sort, he put his arms around Dan, rocking the boy back and forth.

Dan tried to assess the situation, looking down at his bare body save for the boxers hanging low on his hips. Glancing back proved to be an overload in Dan’s brain as Phil was in an almost identical state at Dan. He wiggled out of Phil’s grasp and pulled the blanket up to cover himself, knowing full well that it was pointless; Phil had most likely seen everything there was to see at that point.

“Dan, love, what’s wrong?” Phil purred, getting up on his hands and knees to move in front of Dan’s face.

Dan wanted to look. He wanted to take in Phil’s chest and his upper thighs that he’d always dreamed would one day be wrapped around his head. He wanted to take advantage of whatever situation Kaleb or Evelyn had put him in, but he just couldn’t. He kept his eyes trained down on the blanket pattern.

While it wasn’t a foolproof plan, he thought it would buy him some time to come up with some rational scenario that didn’t involve Kaleb, a bottle of Jack, and a first time he wouldn’t get to remember. No, what happened was far worse.

Phil’s fingers found their way under Dan’s chin and within seconds, he was being forced to lock eyes. Brown against blue. Before Dan could even blink, Phil was inching forward and their lips touched ever so gently. It was chaste and should have been a sweet gesture if Dan hadn’t been so confused and on the verge of heartbreak.

He pulled back, a little quicker than he had intended to and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Phil’s gaze in the process. He wanted to run, to escape the situation before Phil could explain, before Kaleb would start taunting in his ear about how he’d won the game. He needed out, but his legs wouldn’t budge, his feet cement blocks on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?” Phil’s voice came out a little shaky almost as if he was fighting back tears. “I’d thought that after last night, after our first date and everything we talked about, it would be alright to kiss you.”

Dan stayed silent, willing himself to move, to run, to escape. He couldn’t, and sat helplessly as Phil joined him on the edge of the bed, creating a gap between them for the first time in months.

“I assumed since you had kissed me last night that I could kiss you now, and that was wrong. Previous consent does not mean consent forever and I should have asked if you were okay with it bef-”

“I kissed you last night?” Dan cut Phil off, his eyes growing wide as they moved to Phil’s face. Anger was boiling in his stomach. He wanted to destroy something, smash Kaleb’s things the way that he had destroyed Dan’s first experience with Phil.

Phil was stunned into silence.

The room lay still, neither talked nor moved an inch. Dan’s mind was loud, the alters giving their two sense on just how badly Dan fucked up, but he didn’t care. For the first time in years, he wished he never had DID.

Out of nowhere, Phil was up off the bed in a flash, hunting around the room in search of his clothing. It was only as Phil was pulling his pants on that Dan started to agree that he’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted.

“What are you doing?” Tears started welling up in Dan’s eyes and he wasn’t sure if he had the willpower to keep them from falling. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had someone who liked to hold and kiss him, someone who was concerned about his wellbeing, and in a span of minutes he had to watch them leave before his eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going. I can’t do this anymore Dan, I really can’t.” Phil’s voice was hoarse, like he too was trying and failing to hold back the tears. He reached for his shirt and Dan went into overdrive, regaining control of his legs and jumping off the bed. He grabbed Phil’s shirt out of his hands and held it tightly in his fists.

“No. No, I won’t let you go.” Phil looked less than thrilled, making a grab at the shirt in Dan’s hand, but Dan quickly moved it behind his back. Dan thought that would hold Phil, but the man just let out a sigh and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

“Where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!” Dan followed after him, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to put on his own clothes, fully prepared to run after Phil in the streets half naked.

“Keep the shirt. It’s yours anyway.” Phil walked into the lounge, picking up his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. Dan frantically tried to calm his breathing while thinking about what he could do to stop the best thing to happen to him from walking out on his life.

“But why? Why are you going? Can you please just tell me what I did wrong? I’m sorry that I reacted that way. Just come back and kiss me again. I’ll be better this time. I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can go back to bed and just pretend it never happened.”

“Can’t you see that that’s the problem Dan? You always conveniently forget some of the most important memories I have with you and then I have to pretend like they never happened. The time we took a walk through the park and I told you that coming out to my parents was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and two days later you asked me what I hoped my wife would be like. That time we took my parent's car and went on a late night drive to the beach and you’d later said you’d never been.” Phil’s hand ran through his hair, a few tears dropping down from his cheeks onto the floor. He’d stopped his pace completely, standing shirtless in the middle of the room, baring his soul to Dan. “Or when I told you I was severely allergic to cats and weeks later you booked up a reservation at a fucking cat cafe! I could continue on, Dan. The list is about a mile long.”

“I didn’t- I can explain.” Dan knew he had to tell Phil, knew it was the only way to even have a chance at holding on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the secret go. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.

“No, I don’t think you can. Dan, you act different so much. I feel like half the time you aren’t even you. You forget entire conversations we have, you don’t care about the moments that mean so much to me. Hell, you forgot our first date and our first kiss. I care about you, so much Dan. I really thought you felt the same way.”

Phil wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, drying his face of the tear tracks. He gave one last look up at Dan, almost like he was begging him to give him a reason to stay, an explanation to it all, curb his insecurities and tell him he felt the same, but Dan’s tongue was tied.

Phil shook his head and walked past Dan, out of the lounge and towards the front door.

‘Just fucking say it Dan. Don’t let him leave.’

‘I’m sorry Dan. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but don’t let that be the end.’

‘Who will hold me during the storms now?’

Phil’s hand was on the knob, ready to open the door and walk out of Dan’s life forever when he finally found enough courage.

“I have DID.”

Seconds were minutes, time stood still as Dan watched Phil’s hand slide off the door knob and turn back to face Dan. He hadn’t even registered that he’d said it until the words were resounding throughout his head.

“You have what?” Phil’s voice was soft again, caring and fluid like he usually was. He didn’t move from his place in front of the door, but his eyes had a twinkle again.

“I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but I’ve had it since I was really young.” Dan’s voice was shaking, never having been more afraid, yet at ease to tell someone. He knew that if he wanted a future with Phil, he’d have to tell him eventually, but he really didn’t want it to be a final card to play in an attempt to save that future.

“I don’t-” Phil took a tentative step towards Dan, gauging the reaction of the boy before taking another three steps to stand directly in front of him. “What does that mean?”

Dan took a deep breath and looked around the room. He’d thought about telling Phil countless times. He’d rehearsed what he would say and how he would deliver the information, but the spur of the moment confession left him unprepared.

“Do you think we could sit down or something? This will be kind of a lot to take in and it might take me a bit to get through it all.” Dan’s hand came up, his thumb pointing behind him towards the lounge. He hoped it would be enough.

Without words, Phil nodded his head. He started walking back the way they came, taking Dan’s hand in his as he went.

Dan was trembling and the small contact Phil gave him calmed his heart enough to help him think clearer, to begin to work through just what he would say.

They sat down on the couch, Phil sat with crossed legged and his back against the armrest. Dan sat with some distance between them, bringing his knees to his chest and holding on tightly.

Silence lingered, Dan working out just what he wanted to say and how to say it. Phil was waiting patiently beside him. After ten minutes, and Phil scooting closer to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan opened his mouth to speak.

“DID is an illness where a person has at least two personality states. These states are called alters. Everyone is different, but for me, I have three other people living in my head. It’s usually developed in childhood, the mind ‘splits’ to protect itself from some kind of trauma that occurred. I don’t remember what happened to me, but I know that it was really bad.

“There’s a whole lot that goes into it, and I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically when I ‘forget’ things, it’s because I wasn’t there for them. I like to call it lost time because I have no recollection of what happens when an alter is out except for a few spare times, and I really have to rely on context clue, notes from my alters, and others’ stories to help me fill in the gaps.

“I have three alters and we all work in what’s called a system. You’ve met them all without really knowing it. Or maybe you know it because they aren’t the best actors and our personalities are so different. There’s Evelyn, who was the first alter. She’s grown up with me and she looks after the wellbeing of the system. Kaleb came next and he’s kind of a dick. He’s the one who smokes and parties and he’s the one who stole my first kiss with you. Then there’s Max, who’s only 11. He ages very slowly in comparison to myself and the other alters, so he’s only aged 2 years in 6. He’s a child who loves to colour and go to the park and I’d be willing to bet he was the one at the beach with you that day.

“I just. I was going to tell you, one day, but there’s always a fear that comes along with saying it. There’s the fear that you won’t believe me like most people do. Like my psychology professor at Uni whose whole lecture on DID was that it was basically a made-up thing people did to excuse bad behaviour. There’s also the fear that you’d believe me but consider it too much to handle. I’m really not sure what’s worse.

“That’s kinda it. At least the really basic part of it anyway. You can decide what to do now.” Dan, who had been holding on tightly to Phil’s shirt the entire time handed it out to him, gesturing that the ball was in his court to decide what to do.

Phil reached out and took the shirt, standing up off of the couch and pulling it over his head. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto Dan’s temple before walking towards the door of the lounge.

Dan kept his head down, not ready to watch Phil leave.

“I’m gonna make us breakfast. Would you rather eggs or pancakes?” Dan’s head shot up, a wide grin spanning ear to ear. Phil couldn't help but break his composure and smiled right back.

“Pancakes please.” Dan unrolled himself from his ball and met Phil at the door. Phil’s arms opened and Dan leapt into them, burying his face into Phil’s chest. He wanted to be happy, but his deep insecurities couldn't let him quite yet. “Are you sure?”

“What is there to even consider? I appreciate you telling me and believe me, I’ve got about a million things I wanna ask both you and google, but I don’t want to overwhelm you right now. How about we eat some breakfast, watch a movie or something, and come back to it?” Phil’s hand rubbed up and down Dan’s back before pulling away. Before Dan could lift his head, Phil’s lips came forward, leaving a lingering kiss to the boy’s forehead. Dan countered by placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face and connecting their lips.

“That sounds perfect, but I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want you to know how committed I am to you and to making this work. If you have any questions or thoughts that pop up, please just throw them out there, and if I feel like I can answer it, I will. ”

Phil thought for a moment, his eyes looking out to the side as if he was thinking deep in thought.

“Is that why you were so adamant about not seeing Split?” Phil said and Dan groaned, pushing Phil away and resuming the walk to the kitchen.

“Don’t even get me started on that fucking movie. It’s literally just a way to make money off fear mongering like I’m not gonna kidnap you and kill you or some shit. Like worse case scenario is Kaleb will be a fuck and sleep with someone, which we will have to talk about, but like god that movie just gets me going. The inaccuracies are unbelievable and everyone who says ‘it’s just a movie’, well I’d like them to walk a fucking day in my shoes. Let them see how fast they flip that dumbass opinion.”

Phil chuckled, following after Dan and letting him rant. Things made so much more sense, clicked together.

“You know I’ve always hated that movie just as much as you, but it’s just really cute to see you get all worked up.”

“Oh shut up.”

They went into the kitchen, Phil pulling out all of the ingredients needed to get the pancake batter going, Dan getting started on a pot of coffee. It was easy. It was perfect.

“So how was our first date?” Dan asked halfway through the pancake process.

“I don’t know.” Phil replied, a sly grin appearing. “We haven’t had ours yet.”

Dan was momentarily shocked, ready to pitch a fit that this whole fight happened and there wasn’t even a date to begin with, but Phil was quick to shut him up.

“As far as I’m concerned, if you weren’t there mentally, it wasn’t our first date. We can try again another day.”

Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck, taking in the moment. Everything he’d been through, all the time he’d spent worrying about Phil’s reaction. Never in a million life times did he think he would be lucky enough to find someone so understanding, someone who would stand in his corner no matter what.

“That sounds good to me, but could we also have a redo on that first kiss?” Dan inched his face forwards, daring Phil to take the next step.

“We could redo that as much as you want.”

#phan #phanfiction #phanfiction catalogue #phanfic

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