#also tumblr’s new explore algorithm is fucking up how I run this blog

[commissioninfo]

I don’t know if I made a proper post about this, but I’m currently taking a break from this blog! I keep forgetting to fill the queue and run low on submissions. I’ll probably start posting again in a few weeks or a month. I’ll probably open apps for other mods when I get back because the other person on this blog is inactive I think?

Anyways I’ll be posting irregularly on my art blog: @defessusartifex

#also tumblr’s new explore algorithm is fucking up how I run this blog #my followed tags are all promo-related #and whenever I fill this blog’s queue it replaces all of my normal content with commission sheets which is not fun! #thanks to everyone for following/reblogging from this blog #thank you for the kind messages and everything— I’m glad that I’ve been able to help some artists gain exposure/commissions #blah. #modspeak #not commission

[lucifers-trash-stash]

WIP Updates and Musings

Hello everyone! I thought this might be a great time to update people on WIPS that are in progress (mostly because I’m terrible at giving updates sksks) and to gage interest levels in these projects. I’m going to be talking about updates for Run From Me, A Dark!Steve project, and a horror/slasher headcanon sideblog idea I’ve gotten recently so if you are interested in hearing about those, click the read more!

Run From Me: In case you’re unaware, Run From Me got slightly out of my hands as of the last few chapters, simply because I wasn’t sure where to go from there. I was more than a little daunted by all of the comments telling me how much they enjoyed my portrayal of Thanos and my OC that to a certain extent I was worried about fucking it up. So, the reason for the long breaks inbetween chapters is because it took me a long time to consider where I should go, and get some time to clear my head because I didn’t want to just churn out chapters if I wasn’t happy with them or knew where they were going.

So what is my update? I’m still chugging along on it, and I’ve mostly been trying to decide how I want these next few chapters to unfold. I know how I want this “GOTG arc,” as it were, to end and I think I’ve finally made a decision on how I’m going to use the GOTG film canon in my fic. I went back and forth on a few ideas but ultimately I’ve settled on one that I hope isn’t as cliched as I think it might be. I’ve also decided how I want the fic as a whole to end, and while I won’t say exactly what my decision was, I hope it will be one that you all will enjoy. Working around the MCU canon is a bitch to say the least, and I think I’ve figured out a happy medium between staying to canon and saying “fuck it” and doing my own thing. As always, I’m so thankful and grateful to the fans that have stuck around and been patient in waiting for me to figure this out. Run From Me is a fic I enjoy writing a lot and it’s been a fun piece to write, especially with exploring character development and dynamics. It means a lot that people enjoy this fic that I thought no one would even look twice at.

Dark!Steve Rogers Project: Recently I had an idea for a dark!Steve fic after being inspired by so many lovely dark!MCU fic writers. To be honest, I’ve never been interested or even in some ways attracted to Cap, but the Dark!MCU community has given a new angle for me to see him as and honestly? It gave me so many ideas for a great psychological thriller fic. And also a way to flex some of my creative writing muscles to create a fic that I’m honestly shocked that it came out of my head, and hopefully you all will enjoy it as well.

I won’t say much about the project because it’s still a work in progress, but it will have elements of stalking/abduction/kidnapping. I’m also going to set the fic in an AU that while I don’t want to spoil yet, I will say is an AU based off of a horror movie I very much enjoy. Now, unlike Run From Me I’m plotting this fic out in its entirety before I even so much as write it. While I’ve never minded writing off of a loose outline, I want to keep this fic tight and make sure every theme and plot element is explored to their fullest and I can only do that if I plot the entire thing out. So you might not see this fic for a while but know that I’ve been working on the outline and bouncing ideas back and forth off of some lovely people that have given me so many good ideas.

Horror Headcanon Sideblog: So, here’s the deal. My hyperfixation from high school is back in the form of slasher/horror villains. If you’ve been following me this might not be new as I’m always reblogging horror movie posts of some sort or another and have a couple of fics with horror characters sprinkled on my masterlist. But because of the tumblr algorithm I’ve been finding it difficult when I’ve opened requests in the past to get any sort of slashers in my inbox. It might just be that my blog is kind of a fandom mishmash, I don’t know. So to remedy this (and to perhaps to have a cleaner blog for people to look at specifically for slashers), I want to work on a headcanon blog. No, that does not mean I’m giving up writing fanfiction. I want this blog to simply be for headcanons and perhaps shorter ficlets. I will still publish my longer fics on this blog and if any of them apply to horror characters then I will just reblog them over there. Easy Peasy.

Horror has always been a genre I’ve been interested in and I’ve recently been craving my favorite slasher boys again. I’ve devoured a ton of headcanons from blogs that I follow and enjoy but I want even more and for people to send me all of your filthy depraved ideas for me to fantasize and write about. Honestly I wish I had this fandom when I was a teenager because I would have been OBSESSED with it (to show my age, most of my slasher fandom years were spent on deviantART. yeah.) I don’t know when I will “officially” make the blog but I will soon once I decide on a good name for it and some icons/banners and organizing it before taking requests. I’ll make sure to post about it when the time comes so if any of you guys are slasher fans like me and want to request some headcanons you can hop over there and request them <3 I will start with a short list of charcaters and as I watch/rewatch more films I will add more characters to the roster as I see fit, and will certainly be open to suggestions on characters that people would like to see most.

And there you have it, my big huge update of things going on in my writing mind. Hopefully you guys are excited for what’s to come because I’m ready to bring it to you guys <3

#charlotte speaks

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.