#an excercise in quantum mechanic bullshit that won't save anyone in the end as the only escape from it is to stop existing

[neuromantis]

aw2 gave me perhaps, one of the most important realizations of my life. just now. "how do you run from an idea?"

the world i created when i started writing. i liked it. and i liked my characters. they were real to me. but. i could escape there. but i couldn't live there. with my family and friends and loved ones, the only ones i've had then.

i needed to stay outside and keep writing them. i could never join them. so i kept writing. every day i would write more of it, obsessively. and with that came a realization of the genre of the story it was shaping up to be.

i keep calling it "automatic writing", because i really never felt like i was in control of it. ideas just used me as a conduit. the story was telling itself. and it wasn't. a nice story. not one with hopes or happy endings.

i once told someone a long time ago that i couldn't stand writing anymore because i loved those people. loved their world. but if i made more of it. they'd have to suffer for it. so i quit. i kept meeting new ideas and characters and i only wrote down the barest of outlines. because the narrative would inevitably doom them, there had to be no narrative anymore.

i think what also made me stop it, was meeting Adam. a guy i knew like 10 years ago who suddenly messaged me. he re-sent me my own message to him from 2013. "well what about the fact that perhaps there IS a god, but he just specifically hates you?"

the last couple of years made me accept it. Adam is me. N(adam)ian. The one who made it all. The one who set up the rules. The one they'd be suffering for. And I don't want to be that. So I chose to leave them. They don't let me. But at least I can not write.

#there's a particular plotpoint about a certain guy being involved who is more of a proxy of me than the main character ever was #that guy got... a rough hand. of knowing every plot point and story beat as it would unfold - before it happens #and his particular thing was knowing that no matter what he does - he can never poke a hole in the narrative #still he tried even if he knew it was absolutely pointless and that perhaps it's exactly his efforts that doom the narrative #because by being unable to give up on a story he is inside of - by continuing trying to dismantle it - he still played by the narrative #and since i am the only who also knows how it plays out and ends... i should put in more effort myself #and that effort is the only thing i can do - to stop writing #''you can change the story'' - i hope i find a way to #because my only ever way of writing was basically ''black out and come to a finished piece on paper/screen'' #i think... that's not a great way to be creative = it requires no input from me #i just let the story possess me and write itself #as i really have no imagination to be quite honest #but one of my goals for this year is to create more - no matter how scared i am - and maybe i can make that story MINE #actually be an author of it instead of a tool to write it or some dumb metaphor like that #also of course this is all such pithy horseshit #but i think aw2 shows a fairly similar situation pretty well #''you want me to write? the same thing that put Alan Wake in The Dark Place?'' #my story is a story of the complete obliteration of every story that came together to make it #an excercise in quantum mechanic bullshit that won't save anyone in the end as the only escape from it is to stop existing #it's an Apocalypse story in the meaning of ''there is no post-apocalypse. there is nothing anymore. at all. the end. fuck you'' #a pretentious excercise of trying to write a story that wants to stop existing in the first place #of people who fight and win by erasing themselves and their world #and it's really your fault if you picked up the book and liked them - because you made them suffer again #ew. i sound... like a fucking hack #no wonder my own meta-narrative ate me fucking alive #i am neither smart enough to figure how to undoom it nor creative enough to have anything else occupying my head 24/7 #truly fucking bleak