#and Ideal Friends also potentially being ppl who require no effort from you but are on-call to provide effort For you anytime

[unproduciblesmackdown]

pondering a framework of Theme re: deh as like, the tension between having an idea of people that can be whatever you want it (them) to be, vs the realities of people that that idea doesn't cover, whether by conflicting w/the idea or being [more stuff you don't know]....from the aspect that doesn't really get taken up by audiences in how like, via the distance of Social Media you can be dealing w/those Ideas via what people choose to share to present an idea, and not see behind the scenes into the reality (which is like, this whole show could've happened with the [social media] component excised & replaced by other mediums/methods so it's not the most surprising that nobody's going "yeah my takeaway is that this wouldn't have happened if evan had been more offline & faced a book instead of facebook") to like Thee In-Person Relationships he's having

the whole story's focused on evan dealing w/the Ideas more so, putting in most of his effort on trying to offer Thee Idea of [whatever he thinks they want from him] to the murphys, and then to others beyond that via tcp, and then that all inevitably falling apart b/c reality didn't align is most of the runtime....the ending's always just kind of peak baffling b/c it's like, a Resolution sure is difficult when it's maybe more so been like Stuff Happening and then like, what does evan do to deal with The Realities instead of the Ideas....that would potentially be a whole second story from that point lol but he gets the (i guess first part of) resolution needed from like, confronting the supposed reality of himself (but still just an Alternate idea about himself in going like "im the guy who sucks plus i got depression") and this can be handled by his mom, who he also can handle realizing is admittedly not some Ideal of [the concept of The Mother] which is like, okay, except where do we go with that....here where they go from that is "not peacing out from each other's lives" but also like, "being in each other's life at all" is kind of just a peak basic premise of having any relationship, not the highest bar here or in & of itself a guarantee that now this is All He Needs, Really

meanwhile I Guess his second part of his resolution is meeting with zoe, i mean, It Is in that that's what the show offers as finale lol. but where zoe's kind of here to mostly talk about Ideas as still being helpful, including that i guess we can assume her life is fine Enough now just b/c her parents aren't going to divorce? like i think it would be better for everyone if they did, actually lol, but there seems to also be this [assumed shared assumptions w/the audience] aligning with Normality throughout of like, thee truly important, Necessary, Real relationships here are like, parent/child, parent/parent, [your dream soulmateship] as proto-[parent/parent] ideally surely, can i make it any more obvious what more can i say....for example iicth is agonizing to me lol like being hit with the details of evan's like Secret Joke Smile Bandplaying mini monologue is like oh my god lmfao. this is peak An Idea territory, like you're just making shit up about her but clearly in an Idealized way, and the song says nothing abt Why he likes her, personally, while for zoe it's just offering this contrasting idea to Her idea that idk connor hated her like skiing, or what all, and/or the possibility that there could've been a different dynamic....only us(tm) is back at it lol like yeah sure In Theory that evan shouldn't have to be on the defensive waiting to let people down but like, it's all downhill from there, like zoe should also be Able to say anything she likes about evan specifically, isolating yourselves & ignoring everything else = not great, actually. and it Could be examined like, i guess your just being a nervously polite someguy boyfriend who was supposedly separate Enough from all the stuff about connor was a nice enough distraction while it lasted....but i have no idea why zoe is still particularly fond of evan as The Idea Of The Romantic Ideal Of It All in the conclusion like, girl what. what did you guys ever talk about. the most like Interaction is that pre iicth moment, where also zoe's like grilling him about what classes his mom takes & where his dad is & why he doesn't appreciate being poor & is calling him weird & all which is still more interesting than the Non Interactions they will now proceed to have for the rest of the show lol

anyways it's just like, so far as we know All Evan's Needed for the year and a half has been his mom not hating him so much she wants to leave, and he's doing fine....like idk fine sure maybe but it's like, it's sure just like, the most important connections are "we held hands & That Status was magical regardless of like, being able to express the least Specific Thing we liked about each other, or talking about anything" and "at least my parents aren't divorcing, so things are good" and "at least my parent isn't disowning me, so things are good" like, i mean are they lol. maybe, but hardly a guarantee via these facts, and very like "yes you'll encounter conflicts w/your ideas of people that require effort, better focus that effort on the Peak Atomized Normal(tm) Relationships which are so most important that they're required, and so required that they're most important: nuclear family, and monogamous cishet lifelong romance as your path to nuclear family (the next generation)" like yeah man if you talked to zoe once ever maybe everything would be the same. what then? nonrhetorically.

and that also The Idea/ls vs The Realities of people, when it comes to Family, also only goes so far when the authority of Thee Parent is this foregone unalienable fact, so that the "yeah i'm not perfect" Fact of a parent's personhood doesn't have to translate into effort to do things differently (for the child) but rather means the child is supposed to lower expectations and just accept whatever negative experiences imparted by the parent, b/c also They're Your Parent so the child's required to have that Relationship just regardless of what the specifics of the relationship Actually Are. like how i guess dating is amazing & important b/c you sure were dating. cue heidi just cutting through an apparent breakdown of her actual relationship with evan with the aggressive I'm Your Mother, to be revisited when the murphys aren't your Family....and then concluded with kinda a [i'm your mother: nice mode] situation of like, guess you'd better Hope your parent/child relationship exists at all and is good enough, like you'd better hope your eventual romance exists at all and is good enough, both for forever, with these also being the only connections that can Really matter rather than like, what, peers you don't date? friends, acquaintances, strangers? log off & do family game night

anyways it's all like, not expecting or wanting deh to be like "any of this is all good or all bad," and that goes for like the [the actual person, beyond being able to be Known In Full] and [the ideas crafted to make enough sense of things along the way] and how too much Idea can be dehumanizing, but you also can't write everyone off as black boxes of the unknown so as to Never Get It Wrong if you even exist proximately to them....but it's like, if we're going like "hmm why do we feel so isolated" like i have some ideas and it's not "just call your mom" or anything. the deh finale doesn't have a character who gets to be like "what the hell" or suggest anything's still shitty so it's like, yeah great that there's (everyone needed it for / it's) Something, but we could even have some more things

#deh #like step one everyone's problem is: they're in high school fr #no ''ugh Just Teen Angst'' like you're joking or you Are the joke; being a child? going to school? ton of potential & p guaranteed Bad Time #what if evan could Go Out even if he doesn't have friends; for one #meanwhile when it comes to having friends it's like ''you guys don't align w/my Ideal Idea of friendship so i guess it's hopeless'' like ok #and Ideal Friends also potentially being ppl who require no effort from you but are on-call to provide effort For you anytime #also ''as good as'' / substitute Family in their own right; otherwise you Ought to be all set b/w family & your romantic partner #and friendships are kind of funny little [occasional reasons to leave the house & get together in public b/c you can't do that alone] #anyways just the eternal Assorted Thoughts that deh inspires lol. lot going on in there. and also not enough going on in there

[aliwept]

WARNING :     MASSIVE TOKOYAMI HC DUMP AHEAD !  part one of ..... many sldkfjds i gotta transfer a lot from old blogs

triggers:  body talk,  religions mentions,  mentions of binding, self hatred and transitioning.

BELIEFS / MOTIVATION:

tokoyami looks at becoming a hero the “wrong” way — or rather, in a way that cripples his success.he doesn’t want to become a hero in and of itself, but to help as many people as he can.

this is usually a good thing, but it is motivated by his extreme guilt and self doubt rather than pure desire, believing that that is the only way to pay for his “sins.” (i.e., the destruction or potential destruction his quirk as/could cause(d).)

he holds himself up to an extremely high standard, (it is impossible to have a totally “pure” motivation,) one of being perfect and disciplined in every way, but he consistently fails to reach that (as any human being would), making it so that he falls deeper into a circle of self-doubt and pity.

he also tends to idealize his friends for their faults, and when those difficult traits show up he gets extremely bothered, then angry at himself for his idealization, then angry for bothering them, & it escalates until he’s simply angry at himself for being what he believes to be a burden.

this is an extremely deeply rooted process, one that even daily actions contribute to, & while the source isn’t completely his parents, it is certainly reinforced by his mother’s abuse & his guilt relating to his father’s death.

PHYSICAL:

he’s not particularly muscled — well, compared to his more muscular classmates. most of his muscle is in his legs & stomach. he does not have a particular training regimen, typically unmotivated unless prompted.

unlike the majority of his classmates, because a lot of his fighting is done with dark shadow moving him (so that it’s harder to predict movements, as well as going from a large range), the majority of the time he’s not challenged physically.

against close attacks, both attacking which he uses his sword for (seen in his dorm room), when allowed. he inherited that sword from his father after his death. he also feels fatigue easily, not so much due to muscles but because of his exhaustion that is his “normal” state, given that dark shadow is nocturnal. (this & his low work ethic. he works a lot harder when training with friends.)

he doesn’t feel the need to bind more than not, given his skinny physique, with his hips being only a little bit wider than the average cis man’s.most of his scars are on his arms, self inflicted from his talons cutting into his skin. parts of his skin are covered in a gel like skin, clear to see the feathers that poke out from them, going much like arm hair down his sides. these are mostly around his shoulders.

most of the feather is underneath skin (though the skin & the feather both have no nerves), visible with the skin being mostly clear (no muscles adding color, only the natural dark pigment) with the rest of the feaher poking out at a low angle to his arm.

HABITS:

he has a diary that he writes in religiously. it’s kept in a hat box under his bed when he returns to the dorm, along with a collection he’s had since he had been able to write.

at times, in nostalgia, he’ll read through his earlier books. he also tends to doodle his classmates in them ! he’s an incredibly private person — especially because his mother ignored his privacy, refusing to let him keep secrets of any kind in ‘fear that he was hiding something’ — but also enjoys putting his thoughts into words.         

PAST:               

tokoyami was bullied due to his appearance / personality. for someone who was already uncomfortable with his body (not knowing what being trans was at that point) this became the root of deep insecurity regarding his appearance, whether it was as simple as hesitation.

he is autistic !! he stims a lot with his hands, though usually it’s in his hoodie / under his cloak, because he’s very self conscious about it.  he also has adhd: inattentive type, bpd, depression & anxiety!

fantasy verse:  he’s a witch & i will fight you on this fact. my boy loves the occult. he’s also. in generally he tends to be superstitious, & more than that enjoys different rituals! it probably won’t show up in my rp cause i honestly don’t know much about that type of thing but ! he absolutely adores things like that, not necessarily because he fully believes them but because they’re interesting & he believes that they probably stem if only in part from fact.

now im gonna add some notes here.  while he is obviously pretty strong,  he has problems with control, considering that not only does he have to react, he has to communicate those thoughts with dark shadow. speed / offense / defense obviously are enhanced w dark shadow, as well as his own abilities (he would still be able to hold his own if he couldn’t use his quirk).

as well, a lot of his stats are basically his stats + dark shadow, which obv makes them higher than they otherwise would be. he also has really high stamina and working out for a long time doesn’t really. make him tired, nor dark shadow, because dark shadow doesn’t get tired & he’s not the one doing a lot of the actual physical stuff. he’s not good w weapons tho in general. note that these are basically during the daytime w/o a huge light source so things change when it’s darker/lighter.

parents:   tokoyami’s mother had the ability to call spirits of the dead to her and talk to them, & his father’s was to house things, as in objects, so he cld like. store things inside of his body. it’s real wild.

a quirk that combined with another in tokoyami’s lineage, so one of his ancestors had the ability to shapeshift, specifically with birds & banged w someone who has a quirk similar to aizawa’s, where it basically ‘stills’ the action of .someone’s quirk, if that makes sense? so down the line people wld inherit a birds’ features, but it would switch. in his dad’s case, he got a raptors ‘arms’ & eyes.

i am here to inform you that not only is he really short, he’s also chubby! espcially as a child. while he now has muscle! :tm: ive made earlier posts about how he doesn’t have a good. regimen & shit so. yeah. just like deku, while he may be muscled, (though he’s less muscled than. most of his classmates) he still is v chubby on other parts of his body.

also ! he’s trans & he has. a large bust, which he does not bind most of the time due to fear of asphyxiation. being demiboy, he is bothered at it at times, but dislikes tight clothes as a whole (like binders). this is because he is easily overstimulated by excessive contact with his body, causing sensory overload.the exception is his neck, which his choker is a source of comfort. (though, warning, there are scars underneath that the large choker hides!)

tokoyami. will say/do something & then become embarrassed by it, after the act has already been done. he’ll fuckin melt on the spot.

tokoyami is absolutely someone to leave ppl on read. or respond w several paragraphs w ‘K.’ like. that’s just how it is. he’s lowkey an asshole in that way but he just. he has to think a lot before having a response but he gets distracted & just leaves it.

he has dark fucking brown skin !!!!! people who draw tokoyami w light skin cause he’s a ‘pale goth uwu !!!!’ are weak & will be weeded out by natural selection.

people he trains with most are ,,,  mostly kirishima, kaminari, aoyama and momo when they’re available

he’s mix of japanese, native american, and indian!

self knowledge questions:  neediness, independence, shyness.

NEEDINESS: being affirmed & nurtured by others is a central requirement for you to feel safe. this means you can be slow to warm up to other people, which is difficult because what you most need from them is their warmth. yet you know how to be vulnerable: to let down your defenses and accept that you need another person. this lack of pretense is a valuable trait, and ultimately more endearing than the macho efforts others make to deny their childlike sides.

INDEPENDENCE: you don’t set out to be different for its own sake; you are more easily guided by what interests & moves you. you are more concerned about what is right for you than about the pressure to fit in. you know the value of selective irresponsibility, of forgetting occasionally about being ‘good’.

SHYNESS: part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. the upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. but when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

there’s an au where he’s tamaki’s half brother tamakis hmu

more ramblings cause i lov him so anw. i figure that like. if he had to have a motivator it would be an outside force but basically he’s riding on the fact that he has more physical ability because he doesn’t perform very well in studies. ( bird brain …… )

getting 14th place out of the class on midterms, he’s aware that he’s not motivated & as well as his migraines & other mental illnesses ( adhd, executive dysfunction, etc. ) this means that he doesn’t really reach his “full potential.”

he’s aware of this, though, which causes him to train physically. physically training also allows him to ( a ) feel proud of himself, something that he struggles with ( b ) help him generally, esp with dysphoria ( c ) get his mind off of other things / points of stress.

i still don’t think he’s like. as buff as shouji for example, though part of that is that he’s naturally lean ! & he has trouble motivating himself sometimes but when he stays up late ( due to dark shadow ) it basically wrecks his sleeping patterns, so this gives him something beneficial to do while also exhausting himself, which he hopes will help him fall asleep.

like i know that i said that . . he was skinny / not v muscled ( when compared to his buffer classmates, rather ) but i guess i’ve been proven wrong because it took both Buff McFuck mina and hagakure 2 push him out of the way ( not tht it took that long but that was w them straining / time skips )

so @ this point i Just Don’t Know. he got 9 in the practical which means he’s obv like ?? p good but that was the entrance exam. ( he got 10 rescue my baby !!!! im so proud of him ) & then w aizawa’s exams he started off at 5 & im tryna find the other thing what it ended up as but @ this point i’m just , pretty divided cause i’m not seeing much reason for him to learn to train w/o proper training ( & we kno that he’s not someone who was trained specially like todoroki / momo tho tht doesnt mean it’s not possible & at this point im just ) ya. he’s gotta be able but from what we know he’s not v motivated ? ausdjkfdsfjk we’ll see ig.

tokoyami is a mix of shinto (where his hero epithet comes from), taoist (due to the values), & hindu (again, values). i think for now it’s going to be some mix of that, though i’m going to do some research on shinto values since i don’t know much about it !!!!!

generally, he’s pretty superstitious, just because he knows many myths are based on facts, & the idea of ‘it doesn’t hurt to watch out for them.’ he prefers to avoid possible things that would make him have bad luck.

#dont rb or i manifest in your house n kill you /

[roman-winter]

all of the sex+romance headcanons for ELI

holy FUCK that was a lot. HOPE U ENJOY IT BRUV.

🌟 What is my muse’s sexual/romantic orientation?

ANDREW-SEXUAL. but actually pan af.

💦 At what age did my muse lose their virginity?

he lost his virginity in high school sophomore year to one of the guys on the football team when he was a hot ass popular girl. and then he went on to sleep with most of the other guys on the team too, but also the girls on the cheer squad too

😘 Would my muse have sex on the first date?

for sure, and has many times in the past before he met andrew. if he wanted someone, he never really saw any reason to play coy or beat around the bush

😊 Would my muse ever ask someone on a date?

eli is the most straight up person ever, so when he was still dating around, he was almost always the person to do the asking.

👍 Does my muse prefer to be asked on a date, or would they rather do the asking?

he liked both, really, but he never had a problem being the one asking.

😉 What are my muse’s fetishes/kinks?

put a bat up his ass. but actually like there’s a big ass blood kink that emerges after the first murder happens. he loves him some wax play, and he’s also into other kinds of pain play, except for choking as i mentioned b4. he’s into vaguely public sex too, still, even now; mostly just sex in nontraditional places. but like he really just loves doing whatever andrew wants to do, and he’s pretty much open to trying anything at least once before saying he’s not into it

💬 When did my muse go on their first date?

his first date ever in high school he went to the movies with one of the guys on the football team, and it was a double date with another guy on the football team and one of the cheerleaders he was friends with. the date was find and ended well and he had a nice time, but then he ended up sleeping with the cheerleader a few weeks later so they were the real winners in that sitch

💯 What is my muse’s ideal date?

at this point in life, his ideal date probably isn’t even much of a date at all, but more of like chilling with andrew in their lovely beautiful home with melody, making a nice dinner and then taking a bath together with any number of lush bath bombs. he does love going out for a nice dinner with andrew, and he’s also very into cute picnics in the park when it’s nice during the summer, but honestly he’s pretty lowkey especially now after so many years of being together. his ideal date is any date in which he’s around andrew

💗 Has my muse ever been in love?

YUP, HAS BEEN FOR ALMOST 30 YEARS AND STILL GOING STRONG. i think he probs had one or two relationships before andrew where he was in love with the other person, but he wasn’t really good at committing to relationships so they didn’t work out obviously

👠 What was my muse’s last serious relationship like?

you know, just the one that he’s had for nearly 30 years, no biggie.

👰 Would my muse ever get married?

i guess so…..

🌼 Would my muse prefer a big wedding or a small wedding?

the wedding that they had was completely perfect. nothing too big, surrounded by the people that they both loved, a celebration of their love. he wouldn’t have had it any other way tbh and he’s a big sap who still loves looking at the wedding pics and getting a little teary just thinking about how much he still loves andrew

🍬 Is my muse a sub, dom, or switch?

a switch, but he does like being the dom with andrew, espeically since he’s a complete pushover in every day life when it comes to him, so it’s really fun to take charge and boss him around when they’re having sex

🏩 What was my muse’s first time like?

it was a little awkward, like most first times, and it was definitely at like a high school party in someone else’s parents bed. he had fun, though, and learned that he super loved giving head which is always good to know. def didn’t have an orgasm, which was kind of a disappointment to him because he’s def one of those people who had already perfected the art of giving himself an orgasm by that point. they dated for a little while, so things got better, but this is definitely the guy that led him to being like “well maybe i should check out girls” and then he was like THIS IS GREAT

🎆 Is my muse into monogamy?

he is so, so into monogamy, even though he never really thought he would be

💕 Would my muse ever be in a polyamorous relationship?

i think it’s def something he would’ve tried if the opportunity and the right people had come up, but it didn’t happen, and now he doesn’t want anyone but andrew, so probably not something he’s interested in anymore

🔥 Would my muse ever be up for a threesome?

100% yes. he HAS before. idk if it’s something that he would do now, unless it was a thing that was discussed at length with andrew and they were both completely in agreement about what it meant, but i don’t think it’s something he would suggest now, because andrew is more than enough for him

👮 Has my muse ever had sex in public?

YES. MANY TIMES. AND WOULD AGAIN. they luv their dangerous sex. half of the fun is the potential for getting caught, and eli is super super turned on by that possibility. i mean, they have perfected the art of the quickie mostly for public sex purposes

💔 What was my muse’s first heartbreak?

he’s only had one real heartbreak and it was with this girl he was dating senior year of high school. they were bffs before and then started dating right towards the end and it was going to be great and they were going to try to make a long distance open relationship work, but then she got really freaked out over eli moving to chicago for college and not being able to see him or anything and she broke it off like right before graduation. he was heartbroken for like weeks, and it took a while to get over, but now he’s glad it happened since it meant that he was more than ready for andrew when he showed up his sophomore year

💑 What are my muse’s requirements for a potential partner?

literally everything that andrew is. mostly it has to do with supportiveness and willingness to listen, because eli is such an emotional and open person that really needs to be able to talk about things to feel okay. but literally at this point, if you asked him, he’d just say ANDREW

💋 How many people has my muse slept with?

A LOT OF PEOPLE. like definitely more than average, definitely double digits, but idk how many exactly bc i’m really bad at knowing how many is an excessive amount

👀 Is my muse the type to sleep around?

he was the type to sleep around before he met andrew, but then he slowly found himself having less and less desire to sleep with other people so he eventually stopped and just stuck with andrew. but before that he was like the damn queen of sleeping around, doing whatever he wanted when he wanted, and just having a great time doing it

👎 Would my muse ever cheat on their partner?

NEVER. he was all about free love before he met andrew, but now there’s no one he would ever want to sleep with besides him.

😳 What was my muse’s worst romantic/sexual relationship?

that first boyfriend that he had was definitely the worst in both regards, but mostly just because they were both inexperienced high school kids who were dating each other and sleeping with each other because that was what you did in high school and they were both popular so it made sense. it wasn’t horrible, but the sex definitely wasn’t fulfilling for eli, and the guy wasn’t very interesting

💲Would my muse ever date/marry/sleep with someone because they were rich?

nah, his fam is loaded anyway, and he’s way too much of a sap to ever successfully use someone for something like that.

👓 Would my muse ever lie for sex?

maybe he would lie and say he’ll hide all of the lemon bars from andrew if they don’t have a little morning fun, but he doesn’t mean it. he’s a horrible liar, it wouldn’t work.

👿 Would my muse ever blackmail someone into sex?

def not. even before andrew, it was all about doing exactly what you want, when you want. he wouldn’t make someone do something they didn’t want to EVER.

🎥 Who is my muse’s celebrity crush?

timothy olyphant he’s pretty damn obsessed with winona ryder and would probably melt if he ever saw her in person, like he’s been in love with her since the 80s. but also hugh jackman too.

🎀 Who would my muse sleep with if nobody ever had to know?

HE WOULDN’T CHEAT ON ANDREW, SO THE ANSWER IS ANDREW but he wants everyone to know that he’s sleeping with andrew sooooo

💍 Has my muse ever had a one-night stand?

he had a lot of one night stands his first year of college and he had a good time with them. he had a few more sophomore year, but then things changed when andrew came around and he got way less interested in that sort of thing, even if he tried to keep it going for a bit.

💝 Does my muse like Valentine’s Day?

eli fuckin LOVES valentine’s day, because he’s a big sap and loves doing things for andrew. any chance to be overly romantic is his favorite thing ever and so he’s one of those ppl who plans valentine’s day like weeks in advances. it’s not like a surprise thing usually, though, because he wants andrew to enjoy it as much as him, so i feel like it’s very much like a joint effort to decide what they wanna do, but then he throws in a bunch of cute surprises throughout the day, and probably leaves valentine’s on his desk in his classroom, or like has zeke deliver flowers to him and shit

💘 What are the ways my muse says ‘I love you’ without actually saying it?

it’s a lot about the way he says things, how comfortable he feels teasing and joking around with andrew. the fact that he would drop everything to do something for him and do it gladly. being able to sit around with him in silence, no need for any words, just existing together without feeling the need for words. cooking andrew’s favorite things when he’s had a bad day or just seems a little off. buying his favorite lush things as a treat. always texting him when sunny brings in his lemon bars and setting aside a few for him, even though he would never eat them himself. just being completely unselfconscious about his feelings for him, telling other people his favorite things about andrew, and when he’s around his complete inability to keep his hands off of andrew, even just casual touches. HE JUST LOVES ANDREW SO FUCKIN MUCH.

#chrysalis-writes #; answered #; eli whitehall #; opp: andrew j whitehall #; ship: murder couple