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hvnc · 6 years

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tldontr - Natal Chart Report

hana Sex F Berlin, Germany 04/28/1996 22:17 This birth chart report shows the positions of the planets for hana .

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy. Sun in Taurus There is something very solid about Taurus natives, no matter what the rest of their charts say about them. Though they are dependable most of the time, this generally shows itself more in habit than in outright helpfulness. Taurus natives are sensual folk--and this includes sex, but extends to pleasures in all areas: they delight in the sensual pleasures of food, a comfortable blanket, a richly colored aquarium to look at, the smell of flowers or spring rain, pleasing melodies coming from their stereos, and so forth. Some might even say they live through their senses more than most. When Taurus natives work, they work hard. They do it with a steadiness that may rarely be considered quick--rather it's a dependable, plodding, and steady effort that has its payoffs. Security is immensely important to Taurus--some of them actively seek wealth, while others are content to be "comfortable". The Taurus definition of "comfortable" may not be exactly the same as the rest of the signs, but comfort is definitely a driving force. Although hard-working, their fixed and comfort-loving nature sometimes makes them appear lazy. This is only because they separate work and leisure so well. When they work, they work hard, and when they play, they don't really "play" as such...they relax. A Solar Taurus who has kicked his or her feet up is rooted there--you'd be hard-pressed to get them to move. On a mental level, you'll likely have the same problem. Taureans stick with things and ideas, and therein lies one of the reasons why they are known for their stubbornness. Taurus is a fixed sign, and they have a fair measure of tradition and steadiness in their make-up that keeps them rooted. The possessiveness associated with Taurus shows up in all areas of life in some way. Taurus likes to own things (and sometimes people). A nice home, a piece of land (this can be modest), a paid-off car, that aquarium mentioned earlier, a couple pets, maybe a solid business...In love and relationship, there is an earthy kind of possessiveness that may be considered jealousy by some, but there is actually quite a difference between being possessive and being jealous. Taurus natives are rarely jealous and petty. They do, however, think of the people they love as theirs--it adds to their sense of security. Short description: She is strong-willed. She has charm, and is tolerant and stoical. She likes pleasure and the good things in life. Appreciates the Arts. Weaknesses: obstinacy, laziness. She can be materialistic. Taurus ascendant Scorpio Sun in V You want to be noticed for your unique and special qualities and your creativity. You are happiest when you are expressing yourself in a special way and attention comes your way as a result. You have a flair for drama and/or sports. You are proud of your fun-loving attitude towards life. As you demonstrate your ability to shine, avoid grabbing center stage all of the time. Your happy disposition is enough to get noticed, but do find creative ways to express yourself, as this is the path to true happiness for you. 68 Trine Sun - Moon Your emotions and your will are at peace with one another, suggesting a rather balanced personality. The "messages" you received in childhood were not contradictory overall, and you have a stronger sense of purpose and appreciation of harmony than most people. You are likely personally popular, mainly because you expect harmony in your relationships. You are attractive to most people, and your self-confidence and security make you easy to deal with on many levels. Your relaxed, easygoing disposition puts others at ease. You may not be prepared for conflict and you often avoid "rocking the boat". You may acquiesce to others a little too often, if only to maintain a feeling of balance and harmony, as conflict is something you not only dislike, you might fear it. The tendency towards too much acceptance--of the self and of others--is usually present. You must be encouraged to question life, or you run the risk of taking things for granted. Vitality is usually good and quite constant. You are not necessarily hard-driving, unless other indications in the chart point to it, but your constitution is generally strong. At any rate, you are not as prone to the kinds of ups and downs that plague those with challenging aspects between the Sun and Moon. This is because even though your life goals and your emotional needs are different, they are in harmony. Short description:She has lots of vitality. She likes public life, she is popular and her company is appreciated. She is balanced, at ease with herself and usually gets on very well with her parents. -91 Square Sun - Uranus Your identity rides on your sense of personal freedom. It can be quite a challenge to get you to do what you don't want to do, simply because you see any attempts by others to push you in a certain direction as threatening to your sense of freedom. You are a very dynamic person who questions tradition and authority, yet, paradoxically, you can be quite set in your ways! Although a humanitarian in many ways, you can be a little brusque when it comes to sentimentality or what you perceive to be excessive attachment to the past or to tradition. You can have a lot of nervous energy and defensiveness. It can be difficult to hold a 9 to 5 job or to develop steady routines. You work best when you can manage your own schedule, and you work in spurts. When you are hit with creative inspiration, you are capable of tremendous effort. However, you can be quite temperamental, and it is very hard for you to pour your hearts and souls into something that you don't "feel" for at the moment. You don't like superficiality or pretense, which is an admirable trait. However, your disdain for pretense can be problematic in a world where people are expected to perform whether they are inspired or not! You should try your best to channel your high levels of intuition, inventiveness, and spiritedness into creative endeavors or important causes. You might find that you encounter much less resistance in day-to-day life this way. The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image. Moon in Virgo Lunar Virgos find security in the little things in life. They feel most content when they've straightened out all the details of everyday life. Many of them enjoy running errands, paying bills, and balancing the books. They take care of these things happily, although some won't let on. In fact, many Lunar Virgos are quite practiced at nagging and complaining. As long as they are appreciated, however, these people will help you take care of your life, too. They are at their best when they feel useful and needed. If somebody needs help, they are generally the first to jump up and take on the task. Some people with Virgo Moons are accused of being underachievers. While it may be true that Lunar Virgos can lack self-confidence, many are--quite simply--content with living "regular", unassuming lives. They appreciate simplicity, and are often most comfortable when they're not getting too much attention from the world at large. Lunar Virgos are easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry incessantly when there is too much to think about; and they know their limits. Arguably the worst position for a Lunar Virgo is without a steady routine or a simply satisfying job. They need to feel useful, and they best express this by helping others in little ways. They need something to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. The unhappy Lunar Virgos are fussy and complaining sorts. They are victims of routine and freak out when their plans are not followed. They are restless and nervous, and can't seem to see the big picture. Probably the best remedy for these people is a job or hobby in which they can express their deep need to analyze, attend to details, and micromanage. These people express their affection for the people they care about in little, but practical, ways. They can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Lunar Virgos are often shy with new people. However, when they are comfortable, they are anything but shy. More often than not, others can count on Moon in Virgo people. They are reliable and trustworthy. Above all else, Lunar Virgos are practical. Others turn to them for help and advice. In relationships, Lunar Virgos can be self-effacing and kind. Some are quite shy in love, and easily intimidated on a sexual level. Many are not very comfortable with their sexuality, but they aim to please nonetheless. The sign of Virgo is very body-aware, in general. If this awareness combines with a lack of self-confidence, Lunar Virgos can be too aware of the parts that make up the whole. This can lead to a tendency to be intensely self-critical. Once Lunar Virgos learn to come out of their shell, however, they can be earthy partners with a lot to give. Some of the most skeptical people are Lunar Virgos. They can't help but poke holes when faced with others' blind faith. Their criticism can be maddening, and their insistence on seeing the practical in anything emotional can be challenging, especially if you are the dreamy type. Virgo curiosity shows up big time with this position of the Moon. To some, it can be confusing. Lunar Virgos seem very interested in others' problems, for example, but can be quite cool and even unsympathetic in the long run. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive folk; yet Lunar Virgos can be surprisingly delicate when faced with others' criticism. Virgo Moon people are generally busy and quietly happy when they have their lives under control. They aim for a simple existence, and are often quite content with very little. Many are early risers, ready to take on the day with enthusiasm. They scurry around, keeping busy and managing their life quietly and expertly. As long as their little world is manageable, Lunar Virgos can be a delight to be around. Short description: She has a very good memory. Scientific or medical studies preferred above all others. She is humble and moderate, calm and reserved. Emotional discipline. She is willing to help, devoted and gentle. Weaknesses: servile nature, frequent changes of occupation, gets annoyed, upset, worries. She is too shy. Moon in IX Highly imaginative. Prolonged studies, is intuitive. Professionally successful abroad, or in import-export or as a diplomat. Contact with foreigners. Long journeys. Ability to learn foreign languages. This is a position that can indicate a deep longing for stimulation above and beyond the everyday, mundane routine. You are a philosophical sort, interested and curious about the world, other people, and perhaps different cultures. You can be extremely restless and discontented if you don't have a definite goal in mind. You might find yourself longing to be somewhere else when you are unhappy, imagining that if you were to move or travel, you would be much happier. However, this attitude can only keep you from enjoying and improving upon the situation you are now in, only serving to make you feel more unhappy in the present and with your current circumstances. Trying to avoid the attitude that "the grass is greener on the other side" will be important, while attending to your needs to get away from time to time will help scratch the seemingly incurable itch for something more. Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit. Mercury in Taurus She is faithful to her ideas, unchangeable and quietly opinionated, persistent, but discreet. Likes all the pleasures life can offer. Careful in speech, deliberate, intelligent. Learns best through the senses, not through the traditional educational system. She possesses plenty of common sense, and her simplicity makes it easy to get from point A to point B in as few steps as possible! Weaknesses: stubborn, obstinate, withdrawn. Slow to react. Mercury in VI Medical profession. Serviceable and generous nature. Meets their soul brother at work, or (if not) through family contacts. You are a person who thinks of all the details that others forget. Your mind is almost always turned "on" which can make you a little nervous. You are excellent at sorting things out, organizing, and making lists and associations. With your attention to the details and the mechanics, however, you might miss the bigger point! You are exceptionally helpful and others can count on you for making arrangements, researching, and offering advice. You truly love to feel useful. You might have some traits of a hypochondriac, as you notice all of the little aches and pains that others might overlook. Nervous tension could be at the root of many of your health complaints. Many of you are good at crafts, mechanics, or anything that requires good manual dexterity. 20 Sextile Mercury - Saturn She is or strives to be mentally organized. She is able to study, concentrate, and focus, and often has the patience to work towards a goal slowly but surely. She takes time to get communications "just so" and tends to prefer step by step directions. Respects tradition and rules. 94 Trine Mercury - Neptune She can put down in writing everything that her imagination and intuition dictates. -92 Opposition Mercury - Pluto She may be impatient. She likes contradiction. Her arguments are noisy and animated. You are very incisive and aggressive with your opinions. You have a tendency towards fanaticism and often want to impose your ideas on others, sometimes in a subtle manner and sometimes more imperatively. You will find yourself attracted by the occult and other mysteries but it is recommended that you avoid those subjects because they can generate certain fixations or obsessiveness. You must learn to control your impatience and impulsiveness, to think things over before speaking, and to respect the weaknesses of others. 61 Sextile Mercury - Lilith -139 Opposition Mercury - Ascendant She may criticize and gossip, arguing frequently and ofen nervous. Without even realizing it, she might look for or instigate a verbal battle, and is provoking. Communication is very important to you, and your mind is sharper and more creative when you have a partner you can bounce your thoughts and ideas off of. You are an excellent conversationalist and can fascinate your partners with your sharp mind. You love to debate issues just for the mental exercise, even if you don't feel strongly about the position you argue! You play devil's advocate often, and your ideal partner understands that your debates are, in fact, mental exercises--certainly not attacks! You are also prone to exaggerate or stretch the truth when trying to make your point, especially when it comes to your own background or experience. In your close relationships, your partner serves as a mirror, reflecting your thoughts and ideas back to you from a different perspective. You are rather independent and will not allow anyone to restrict your freedom, but you love to talk things out before arriving at a decision. Truth is, you won't always take others' advice! However, you do enjoy looking at problems from all sorts of different perspectives. You may choose partners who are considerably younger than you, or who are not as academically smart as you. Conversations with you are always stimulating and lively. The ability to share your thoughts with a partner is vital to your sense of fulfillment in a close personal relationship. \r\nVenus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others. Venus in Gemini Venus in Gemini people will try to win over the object of their affection with witty conversation, displaying just how much they "know," and demonstrating their diverse interests. These lovers are playful -- some might even call them a tease. They are hard to pin down, and they resist relationships that promise to become too "comfortable." Even those with their Sun in Taurus or Cancer, whose outward demeanor may suggest some reserve and caution, will want their relationships to be stimulating and full of conversation with Venus in Gemini. Venus in Gemini people don't want to be tied or bogged down in their relationships. They appreciate lightheartedness in love. Although they are willing to talk (perhaps endlessly) about the relationship, you may get the feeling that they gloss over some of the deeper issues. In love, their tastes change often, and it can be hard to know what to expect from one day to the next (or, sometimes, from one hour to the next!). Pleasing Venus in Gemini involves supporting their need for fun and variety, showing interest in their brainpower and knowledge, and giving them space for friends and activities outside of the relationship. Let them know just how much fun you have with them. Try not to get overly miffed by Venus in Gemini's changeable, fickle ways. Remember that time spent with your lover will be exciting and invigorating. Venus in VII Her fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life. You live for relationships. It is hard for you to think about being alone. Harmony is most important to you, so it is unlikely you will attempt to dominate a lover. You are a peacemaker, sometimes going to great lengths to achieve a balanced, harmonious relationship. Be careful not to bend over backwards just to keep the peace--you may be taken advantage of. Your marriage partner may be especially attractive, charming, or well off. You are extremely attractive, agreeable, and charming, drawing others to you magnetically. You need an unusual amount of contact and exchange with a partner, and might find that you feel completely lost without one. Some of you might quickly enter into partnerships, perhaps too quickly and neither equipped nor prepared for the responsibilities that a long-term relationship demands. In some cases, there can be a shallow or materialistic interest in partners. Your hips and lower back may be special erogenous zones for you, or they may be especially attractive body parts. Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy. Mars in Aries This is a very impulsive position of Mars. The first instinct for Mars in Aries people is to take action. Quick flare-ups characterize the Mars in Aries character, but their anger usually doesn't last for too long. In fact, these people generally don't live in the past, and are not given to holding grudges or feeling resentful. Generally, their temper comes quickly, and they deal with anger on issues right away--with this kind of character, there is little room for festering. When Mars in Aries people listen to their instincts, they generally get things done, and they make fast and (usually) decent decisions. They don't naturally stop to smell the roses--or consider others' point of view--when they are deliberating over what to do next. In fact, "deliberation" works at lightning speed for these natives, so they could hardly be called deliberate. Spontaneity is one of their assets; as are simplicity, purity of action, and innovation. Mars in Aries natives are often a step ahead of the rest of us. A life that is too predictable makes them antsy. Mars in Aries people enjoy starting fresh--new ideas, pioneering action, and fresh projects make them happiest. They generally enjoy challenges. Relationships with these natives can be exciting, but keeping up with them can be difficult. They are given to impulsive action, and they are not known for sticking things through. Although their physical energy is great, they can lose their initial enthusiasm quickly. Mars in Aries natives are easily irritated by indirectness from others. They expect others to say things straight--no beating around the bush. They easily become impatient with convoluted plans, or with people they consider to be slow to action. Most people with this position of Mars have a childlike quality to them. Sometimes they're downright rude and impatient, but with Mars in Aries natives, you generally know what they're after. Unless Mars is afflicted in the chart, you can also pretty much trust that they don't have hidden agendas. Mars in V Spontaneous nature. She likes games, sometimes even violent sports. She takes professional risks. A great worker, she likes everything that can be done quickly, and detests things that hang around for a long time. It is the same for her emotional life: no candy-floss or fine speeches, she gets directly to the point. You have a strong love of pleasure, and you tend to directly and perhaps impulsively pursue romance. Many of you are sports lovers, and anything with an element of risk appeals to you or entertains you. You put a lot of energy into the pursuit of entertainment, satisfaction, games, and pleasure. You may be a very active hobbyist. You tend to be very playful and demonstrative, and you could really enjoy putting on a show. You can be very competitive. Your children may be especially active and boisterous. -13 Square Mars - Uranus She is full of contradictions. She is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. She fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them. -109 Square Mars - Neptune This is a challenging position, as you have difficulty trusting in your ability to go after things that you want in a direct manner. It may also be that you have difficulty pinpointing what it is that you want, or that part of you doesn't feel you deserve it due to a basic lack of self-confidence. You fear rejection as well as criticism, and often use roundabout means to go after what you want. Your imagination is so powerful that it can be hard to trust your instincts. You easily imagine things going wrong, just as you easily fantasize about good things! Your desire nature is strong yet also very suggestible. You're attracted to mysteries and intrigue. Sexual experimentation is likely, as you are forever addicted to sensuality and unusual or perhaps even what many would consider perverted sexual scenarios. However, your sensual appetite might be much like a bottomless pit, and you could find yourself forever in a state of wanting more, tiring of regular sexual scenarios quickly, and endlessly searching for the next sensation. If an addiction to fantasy is present, you can find yourself constantly chasing a new and more complicated fantasy. It is only when you get into touch with your heart and discover your true desires that you realize that sensations are merely sensations--not deeply satisfying or fulfilling. \r\nFears of sexual inadequacy can be great with this position, and you may either deny yourself as a result, or overcompensate, seeking out experiences in which you are pretty much assured positive feedback. Some of you will experience both of these extremes in your lifetime. Although you can be very creative at keeping your motives and personal agenda hidden--in fact, many of you seem on the surface of things to be quite gentle and yielding--you might eventually become resentful if you feel the need to resort to sneakiness in order to get what you want out of life. If you do feel resentment for giving up your power to someone else, learn to avoid giving it up unless you truly understand that you are doing it for yourself, and not for someone else. Resentments have a way of building and distorting themselves into ugly matter if you don't deal with them properly and directly. You are often passive-aggressive in your approach to others, and this can cause a lot of problems in your life. You are usually found chasing a dream... or a fantasy. The former is probably the better path. \r\nAdopting a more direct and assertive approach to life is something that you should be working towards. You will need to get over your feelings of guilt when you do adopt this approach. Learning to take responsibility for your actions, and to avoid blaming others for failures, is important. At your worst, you can be disorganized in your approach to life, easily procrastinating and lacking follow-through when you do begin a task. Some of the most important lessons you need to learn in life are self-control, self-assertion, and trust in yourself. At your best, you are a creative person with a powerful imagination and great stores of compassion. \r\n -53 Square Mars - Lilith Jupiter represents expansion and grace. Jupiter in Capricorn She attracts the most good fortune when she organizes and directs, conducts herself with integrity, is ethical, and mature. Values the long term, achievement, responsibility, and manifestation. Succeeds through resourcefulness and avoiding activities that waste time, energy, or resources. Good at streamlining. Position or status is important to her. Jupiter in II Easygoing over money matters, no credit problems, increases her inheritance. She earns good money, without too much effort. She enjoys what she has. -19 Opposition Jupiter - Lilith She will ruin herself in order to please her partner. On the sexual level, she will go to considerable effort to please her partner. In order to possess the partner more, she will ruin herself financially to get whatever the partner might want. In spite of all that, the partner is never entirely satisfied. She will be very disappointed in love. Saturn represents contraction and effort. Saturn in Aries Self-consciousness can be a problem. Must learn to develop self-confidence. Is bothered by a "me-first" attitude in others, but must learn that "me-first" is sometimes necessary, in moderation. Saturn in IV She needs to be dominated. She has a sense of organization and accepts her responsibilities. She achieves her objectives in spite of slow progress, with many hurdles to overcome. She is persevering and patient. 69 Sextile Saturn - Uranus She knows how to be on top of the situation. She perseveres, is determined but ingenious and original. She is very practical. She proceeds slowly, but is always bound to achieve her objectives in the end. 13 Sextile Saturn - Neptune Her plans are realized in a methodical fashion, she works hard to achieve success. 25 Trine Saturn - Pluto She perseveres, achieves her projects through hard work. 5 Trine Saturn - Ascendant She is serious, sober, thoughtful, pays attention to detail. She likes to be with older people. Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty. Uranus in Aquarius Gets over-excited at the start of a task that interests her. Her debonair personality gives others a banal impression. Uranus in II She has a lot of flair. She is unreliable at work, always ready for change. She must have an out-of-the-ordinary job, in which case all goes well: otherwise, she will often change jobs and will have financial problems. 97 Conjunction Uranus - Neptune 77 Sextile Uranus - Pluto She fights to improve her daily life, she is persevering. 4 Sextile Uranus - Ascendant She is always changing, is unstable. She is ready to innovate, to change everything. She is inventive. Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty. Neptune in Capricorn She is discerning, wise and sensible. Neptune in II She may prefer not to attach too much value to money, but if this is overdone, there can be quite a few problems in life concerning money and ownership. She might make money through artistic pursuits, but must avoid the potential pitfalls of putting too much faith in ideas that don't have enough grounding in reality. Financial advice is important to obtain. 14 Sextile Neptune - Pluto -24 Opposition Neptune - Lilith Love dominates her life. She could lose her head over someone to whom there's an intense attraction, which can become troublesome, because she loses all idea of reality. If she is not loved in return, so what - she will love for the two of them. With time, if the loved one loses patience, she will have difficulty disentangling herself and she can suffer enormously. It's best to look to a trusted outside source for guidance in vulnerable times. 33 Sextile Neptune - Ascendant She has strange relationships. She is easily influenced, very sensitive and emotional. Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination. Pluto in Sagittarius Great aspirations: sexuality and love are idealized. 26 Conjunction Pluto - Ascendant She has will-power and ambition, and likes to have her own way. House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life. Taurus ascendant Scorpio Ascendant in Scorpio Scorpio Ascendant people have a lot of presence. There is something about them that tells the world that they are not to be pushed around. Their manner commands respect, and in some cases, fear. Scorpio rising people can be quiet or loud, but they always seem powerful and determined. You either love or hate Scorpio rising people-- they are rarely people who go through life unnoticed. In fact, some of them are confused when faced with the fact that they get such strong reactions from others. They seem to look right through people, seeing through superficiality. This can be quite intimidating to some, and intriguing to others. Scorpio rising people, in their dealings with others, look for answers by reading between the lines. Surface details are discarded when they are getting a feel for people and situations around them. Scorpio rising people value their privacy so much, it can border on paranoia. They have a strong need to control their environment and are experts at strategy. Rarely people who will blow their chances with impatience, they plan out their moves carefully and deliberately, relying on their awesome ability to feel out others and situations. Scorpio rising natives are drawn to down-to-earth, natural partners. Reliability in their partner is very important. They generally look for complete commitment and have little patience with flighty partners. House II is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions. House II in Capricorn A cautious approach to money and personal finances, possessions. Financial success may be slow but steady. A hard worker. Savings are important. Patience with accumulating. Money situation improves with maturity. House III is the area of social and intellectual learning. House III in Aquarius She is always at the forefront of progress. Likes everything that is new, original and ingenious. Likes every new idea, as long as it improves life and naturally is good for everyone. She is happy to travel even at a moment's notice, likes a life full of change and meetings. House IV is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth. House IV in Pisces She is very susceptible to the mood of those around her. A hard difficult upbringing can mark her for life. When a child, has to be protected, given confidence. House V is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling. House V in Aries Full of initiative. Things are done to the full, with energy, vigor and strength of purpose: It is the same with love life. Children will be hardy and rarely ill. House VI is the area of learning by material transaction. House VI in Taurus Completely trusted at work. Knows how to keep a secret and is of irreproachable honesty. Weak point: the throat. House VII is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action. House VII in Taurus Marries for love but also wants security. A peaceful union even if exchange of ideas isn't always smooth. House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul. House VIII in Cancer Small inheritances. House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity. House IX in Leo She is tolerant, accepts all differences and respects them. She is honest and loyal. House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older House X in Virgo All medical, paramedic or social work are recommended. House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security. House XI in Libra Looks for friends among "well-placed" people, artists known even regionally, influential people in society, the social or political world, likes high class evenings. House XII is the area of education and of emotion. House XII in Scorpio Work in the police field, likes investigating other people's private lives.

#✧ | hold me down knock me out ↷ c a n o n | ✦#;;natal chart

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beccawastaken · 7 years

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My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right?

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it.

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more.

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could. When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything.

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war.

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it.

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me.

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did.

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot. For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded. They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it.

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her. I remember mum and the grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like. She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

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