#and actinf like i think hes cute cause hes the first guy im not even joking basically ever since the ripe old age of 9 except for cameron

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being

#so like im just WORRIED #cause like what if ive fully just convinced myself i think he's attractive but I actually dont think he is and I'm just jerking him around #and actinf like i think hes cute cause hes the first guy im not even joking basically ever since the ripe old age of 9 except for cameron #idgaf about his privacy he can fuck off but anyway he is like the first guy other than tiny little awkward 9 year olds to show me any form #of attention. and what if im craving it so bad im just convincing myself that i like him? like am i doing that? cause never in my life have #i gotten like those fucking butterflies or whatever around guys cause ive never been around them much so ive always felt so awkward around #them and just ignored them. like i even have a hard time talking to my male coworkers and looking them in the eye. and i just make up these #scenarios where every single male coworker that ever showed me any form of attention is actually secretly going to fall in love with me and #its like FUCK is that just all I'm doing? pretending? on both ends? but then i have to tell myself that my anxiety is more often than not #full of shit. but like ive craved attention all my life and what if im juat latching on to the first guy that gives that to me? i don't #wanna be that asshole. im just scared. how does everyone just date people? i thought for a while i may be ace in some way #but im also just wondering if i repressed myself that fucking much from literally age 6 that it did that much damage to me? cause ive always #been weird about myself and my body and things like that and i vividly remember wearing a tank top at age 6 in school and being freaked out #the whole day that i would get dress coded. i need to unpack this in therapy hardcore. cause i was also sa-ed when i was younger but i can't #exactly remember how old i was. #but i just think ive always repressed myself and pushed all of that down to the point that i dont know what it feels like? cause i watch #movies and read books and listen to music qnd im like hmm thats never happened to me something must be Wrong With Me. #thanks for coming to my ted talk #im so fucking nauseous #is that butterflies lmao #🎸