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eichy815 · 5 years

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‘Big Brother’ Is Being Watched By Us! – Part 2

CONTINUED FROM PART 1

Season 2 (where the game’s format itself was retooled and reimagined) featured the sassy Monica Bailey, a Brooklyn candy store manager who tragically lost her cousin in the 9/11 attacks (which took place during the tail-end of Season 2). Her best friend in the house, Krista Stegall, was a charming country girl (although housemate Kent Blackwelder constantly made references to Stegall’s alleged “Nyquil addiction”) – she and Bailey were jointly targeted in Week 6 as a “Power of Two.” Bailey ended up coming in third place, and really should have been selected by producers for re-entry into the house during Big Brother All-Stars (she would have been far more entertaining than the reincarnated “Chilltown” duo).

Speaking of Chilltown, though, I have to give mad props to Will Kirby (aka “Evil Dr. Will”), universally regarded as the best Big Brother winner to ever play the game. Despite being put up on the block for eviction every week, Kirby managed to repeatedly squirm out of danger using a combination of psychological mind games and bouncy charm. Everyone kept underestimating “Evil Dr. Will” as a jury “non-threat” – and he went all the way to the end with Nicole Nilson Schaffrich, ultimately defeating her in a 5-2 vote.

Nilson Schaffrich, who (along with Hill) was a sworn enemy of Kirby and “Chilltown,” also became a favorite of mine. Initially, she came on really strong to her housemates as she attempted to fit in as this zany, spontaneous, chatterbox of a “fun girl.” But after the game’s first-ever HoH, Malin, nominated her for eviction in Week 1, Nilson Schaffrich morphed into a depressing, negative, confrontational, bitchy cloud of gloom-and-doom (she also had OCD when it came to cleaning, and deeply missed her husband, Jeff). Will and Nicole developed a classic love/hate relationship – where Nicole would constantly threaten and berate Dr. Will, while he simply laughed it off and continued playing the role of “class clown.”

I could relate to Nicole – which is why I think I enjoyed her, even though she was a total darkened contrast to Monica, Krista, and Dr. Will in terms of personality. The epitome of Will and Nicole’s rivalry was when, during a competition, the producers asked houseguests to craft little puppet-style dolls in their own likenesses; Nicole refused to do it, and so Will energetically volunteered to create Nicole’s doll for her – he proceeded to draw/paint a skimpy bikini onto the doll’s fabric, and then mocked Nicole in the Diary Roll while making the Nicole-doll “talk.”

Despite the bad casting of Season 3, I did enjoy another unlikely alliance formed: that of Jason Guy, a born-again Christian videographer in his mid-twenties, and Danielle Reyes, a mouthy and brassy media buyer (and mom to two daughters). Their alliance went largely unnoticed by other houseguests (except for the season’s eventual winner, Lisa Donahue). Although I’m usually not a fan of born-again Christians, Jason was just an all-around nice guy and good person; meanwhile, Danielle made me laugh and kept me entertained with her colorful, verbose, and cocky Diary Room confessionals. Once that season’s evicted houseguests went home and watched Danielle’s sessions in the Diary Room, they viewed her as entitled and pompous...which was largely why she lost the jury vote to Lisa. This was ultimately why, beginning with Season 4, Big Brother producers shrunk the size of the jury while keeping jury members sequestered in a plush Jury House (so they wouldn’t be swayed by what was said in the finalists’ Diary Room confessionals).

Season 4 had David Lane, a former Army ranger who was evicted early in the game (Week 3) but was a likable dude very much in the mold of Jason Guy. That season’s winner, Jun Song, shepherded the “floater” strategy (alongside the even-more-reviled Alison Irwin, with whom she went to the Final Two) while having the house wrapped around her fingertips as she played the simultaneous roles of “house chef,” “chic chubby girl,” and “firebrand comic relief.” Song even earned the vote of her ex-boyfriend, Jee Choe, on that season’s jury.

Pilates instructor Erika Landin, who would later return for Big Brother: All-Stars (where she placed second to Malin, after entering an ill-conceived “showmance” with him) was competitive-yet-boring, but I enjoyed her if only for her gaudy pink hat that she was forced to destroy during a wardrobe-burning competition. Irwin’s ex-boyfriend, Justin Giovinco, was the leader of the Three Stooges Alliance (consisting of him, Jee, and Erika’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Roman). Giovinco had the most charisma and best leadership skills of the “Three Stooges” (which is probably why the rest of the house targeted him before Jee and Robert)...plus he looked great with his clothes off!

The standout of Big Brother 5, by far, was Nakomis Dedmon, a Goth-like Texas hostess whose chill-but-assertive gameplay got her all the way to the Final Four. Nakomis helped to conceive and execute the first “backdooring” strategy (evicting someone by NOT initially putting them on the block, and waiting to nominate them until after the Power of Veto has been used). Her in-house reunion (which had been secretly orchestrated by the producers) with long-lost brother Michael Ellis (aka Cowboy) was rather poignant...even though they ended up at odds with each other, and ultimately, estranged. When she returned for Big Brother: All-Stars, Dedmon was the second houseguest evicted due to her reputation from Season 5 as a strategic threat.

I also enjoyed Will Wikle, a gay R.N. who was a part of the Pinky Swear Alliance put together by Nakomis. His strategy wasn’t that great, but Wikle was carefree, outgoing, and had a fantastic body. Drew Daniel, the winner of that season, was both sexy and humble...and, really, the only redeeming member of the Four Horsemen Alliance. Sadly, in the years since, Drew has followed the paths of Jasinski and McDonald, being tasered by police when resisting arrest after having domestic violence charged filed against him.

Marvin Latimer, Season 5’s resident house chef, was a South Carolina mortician who shared tentative partial-alliances with both the Four Horsemen and Pinky Swear Alliances. His “floater” strategy got him eliminated mid-game, but he brought a lot of high energy and many entertaining quips to his time on the program. Latimer now hosts a YouTube broadcast known as “The Marvin Show.”

In spite of her creepy and pathological obsession with Cappy, Season 6 runner-up Ivette Corredero was someone who I actually found endearing with her outspokenness and fiery Latina personality. I thought Janelle Pierzina was amusing in blending her “ditzy blonde” demeanor with fierceness in winning competitions, and I can understand why she became a “fan favorite.” Howie Gordon was a loud, overbearing train wreck – but I have to give him points for being amusing to watch...mostly due to his obsession with “boobies,” his sexually-unbridled banter, and the fact that he made life miserable for Lewis (coining the nickname “Busto” for her).

Big Brother All-Stars was so disappointing that I will skip over most of it. I just couldn’t get past Malin’s atrocious presence (for which Rosie O’Donnell later called him out, on The View). One of the few highlights was when Nilson Schaffrich, Song, and Latimer returned as guest co-hosts for a food competition (since they each had histories of cooking extensively for their respective housemates).

My favorites from Season 8 were Kail’s onetime alliance mates in the short-lived Mrs. Robinson Alliance. With Kail being the middle-aged mother figure in the house that season, she initially aligned herself with three young guys: Mike Dutz, a contractor/model who got himself evicted by targeting Evel Dick; Nick Starcevic, a former college football player remembered for entering a “showmance” with Evel Dick’s estranged daughter, Daniele, who was paired with her father as part of that season’s “Nemesis” twist; and Zach Swerdzekski, a dimwitted-but-likable graphic designer who had a penchant for self-deprecating nudity. Out of all of them, only Swerdzewski made it deep into the game (placing third to both of the Donatos).

Even amid the trash heap that was Big Brother 9, there were a few decent houseguests: TMZ reporter Parker Somerville, who was shafted by the season’s “Soulmates” twist; Alex Coladonato, a charismatic Staten Island DJ, who, much like Somerville, was voted out early due to the twist; and James Zinkand (aka “Crazy James”), who went on to become the “fan favorite” due to his garishly-dyed hair and adventurous personality.

Season 10 marked a resurgence in quality for Big Brother. There were more twists, better casting, and heightened drama. Brian Hart was the handsome and charismatic techno-entrepreneur who had the distinction of being the first one voted out, due to houseguests’ perception of him as a Nakomis-like strategic threat. Despite her perverse friendship with Jerry/Ollie/April, I found Michelle Costa to be saucy and spirited...and I wish she would have lasted longer.

Then there were the season’s two Dynamic Duos: Keesha Smith, the outspoken sweetheart who bonded with the baudy and lovably loud Renny Martyn (a hairdresser from New Orleans, who always sported garish outfits amid a spicy tongue with which she lashed out at household troublemakers).

However, Season 10’s winner, Dan Gheesling, and runner-up, “mixologist” Memphis Garrett, formed the memorable Renegades Alliance. Gheesling perfected an under-the-radar strategy by being down-to-earth and endearing, staying out of all the boisterous drama of the house...basically laying around and reading (especially his Bible) while everyone else shouted each other down. He defeated Memphis in the show’s first unanimous jury vote once they cruised into the Final Two together. Gheesling’s Diary Room confessionals – where he borderline-shouted his observations, probably as a consequence of being a high school football coach – were priceless.

Season 11: this was the season that marked a turning-point for the power of “showmances” in the house. “Fan favorite” Jeff Schroeder (single-handedly responsible for getting Jessie evicted via the “Coup d’Etat” twist) and Jordan Lloyd formed one of the show’s most memorable and enduring “showmances.” Jeff fell on his sword by overplaying, midgame; but Jordan was rewarded with the half-million dollar prize by taking the much-hated Natalie Martinez with her to the Final Two. And, to this day, the relationship between “Jordeff” remains solid.

Other likable contestants that season were brainy scientist Michele Noonan, who tried to play a low-key game but was later forced to embrace her role as a “quiet devil;” Kevin Campbell, the gay graphic designer who aligned with Jessie’s allies while keeping his distance from Jessie himself; and Casey Turner, a fortysomething married father and DJ who was just plain fun and chill.

In spite of the disappointment that was Big Brother 12, I have to give major props to that season’s winner, Hayden Moss – jovial, loyal, humane, free-spirited, uninhibited, and competitive. It’s not surprising that Moss went on to compete in Survivor: Blood vs. Water (where he placed seventh) – the first Big Brother contestant to do so. Pharmaceutical rep Britney Godwin was also hilarious in her Diary Room confessionals, and Reilly’s “showmance” partner Brendon Villegas was overall a really good (and hot!) guy, despite being utterly clueless.

Out of the newbies in Season 13, Dominic Briones (who would later go on to marry housemate Daniele Donato in real-life) was a convivial and boisterous dude who was evicted way too early (due to Schroeder’s bullying). Likewise with Cassi Colvin, a bold and candid young woman evicted right after Briones (due to Reilly’s bullying). And, although she was evicted during the jury phase, Daniele was given a much greater opportunity to shine this season compared to four years earlier when she’d played second banana to her father.

Season 14 was when Big Brother began to get really good. The “Coaches” twist (and especially the returns of Gheesling and Godwin) featured some of the most eclectic newbies in years. Among them: Frank Eudy (son of professional wrestler Sid Vicious), a mop-headed competition beast whom Malin adopted as the newest member of “Chilltown;” JoJo Spatafora, a cheeky Staten Island bartender who, much like Somerville, Hart, Briones, and Colvin in seasons before hers, was evicted way too early; Jenn Arroyo (known affectionately by housemates as “JennCity”), a lesbian heavy-metal rocker; Shane Meaney, a hunky Vermont house-flipper who also dominated the physical competitions; and, of course, the lovable Ian Terry, a nerdy-but-shrewd Tulane graduate (and eventual winner of Season 14) who, as a lifelong fan of Big Brother, memorably blindsided Malin – his own former “coach” prior to the reset.

Just last summer, even amongst the “racists and fools” of Season 15 were some gems: McCrae Olson, the pizza delivery guy who formed a “showmance” with house bully Amanda Zuckerman; David Girton, a studly lifeguard who was the first one evicted (after forming a “showmance” with house racist Aaryn Gries) that summer; and the season’s “housemother,” Chicago political consultant Helen Kim.

Unfortunately, the season’s winner and runner-up, Andy Herron (Big Brother’s first openly-gay winner) and GinaMarie Zimmerman, also displayed much bigotry and depravity...which was witnessed by those watching the live feeds, but didn’t make it into their television edits (which, because they were so favorable, caused me to really like them both). Also, GinaMarie developed an obsessively-entertaining infatuation with houseguest Nick Uhas (the second player evicted), a cute-and-hilarious pro skater who, like so many others before him, went out way too early.

As I write the above recollections from the past fourteen years, it only reinforces to me how Big Brother is a microcosm of our flawed society. Sometimes people get rewarded for bullying or idiocy, and sometimes they get called out on it. Sometimes entertaining and sociable people make it far in life, but other times they’re stymied by those who view them as “a threat.”

This is probably why I find myself getting wrapped up in who stays and who goes, as I watch, every summer. When I love a houseguest, I want her or him to make it far in the game – because it’s like spending an hour a week with a good friend. By contrast, if I loathe a houseguest, I want him or her to be evicted (and to see them humiliated based on their negative antics) because that’s one less week I have to endure them on my TV screen.

And, of course, there are always the “train wrecks” – houseguests whom I enjoy watching solely for entertainment value, even though I can’t take them seriously as a contestant (and, in reality, they have no decent shot at actually winning). Often times, these overwrought players will function as “tokens” who create hilarity and chaos in the house (giving my favorites more of a chance to go farther in the game).

Just some of the most hilarious memories from Big Brother history...

Identical twins Adria Klein and Natalie Carroll revealing the “Twin Twist” to their Season 5 housemates, as they’d been switching clothing and spots in the house for weeks at that point.

Newly-minted HoH Pierzina chanting “Bye, Bye, Bitches!” after putting up two members of The Nerd Herd (Ausburn and Vasquez) on the block.

Stein revealing he was secretly “America’s Player” during the Big Brother 8 finale.

All the drama caused by the Season 10 houseguests on Keesha’s birthday...which was all instigated, of course, by Jessie. It culminated in the houseguests serenading Keesha with a half-hearted version of “Happy Birthday” – after which, the fighting picked right back up (again, no thanks to Jessie!).

Jeff using the Coup d’Etat, which led to Jessie’s eviction.

Kevin becoming exasperated when Natalie, Lydia, and Chima basically formed a “mini-cult” venerating Jessie in the aftermath of his eviction (which was eerily similar to the “Cult of Cappy” perpetuated by “The Nerd Herd” in Season 6).

The “wild child” and much-tattooed houseguest, Lydia Tavera, having an epic meltdown after her ally, Jessie, was evicted.

Julie Chen interviewing Malin, Reyes, Pierzina, and Evel Dick about their views on Season 11 (watch for the moment when, after Malin partially defends Chima’s state-of-mind which led to her expulsion, Evel Dick tells Malin that he “should jump off a bridge”).

Britney calling out Malin, after he stopped ignoring her, six days into the “Coaches’ Season” (Big Brother 14).

Malin watching his “goodbye videos” after his blindside eviction...and learning that Ian had a large hand in his demise.

Gheesling orchestrating his own “funeral” (after emerging from a solitary confinement punishment) in order to get himself off the nomination block.

So far this season, I have my least favorites. Two of them have already been evicted: Devin Shepherd, a mashup of Godderz and Littman (with a little bit of Kass McQuillen, from Survivor: Cagayan, thrown in), whose strategy and logic were completely nonexistent during his three weeks in the house; and Paola Shea (known as “Pao-Pao”), a walking caricature of the “deceitful Filipina” stereotype...who, based on her individual behavior, was just plain annoying.

Then we have Donny Thompson, the kind-hearted Duck Dynasty reject who is clearly designed to be Cowboy 2.0 (although he’s a lot smarter than Cowboy – not that that’s saying much). Caleb Reynolds is a young redneck whose romantic obsession with housemate Amber Borzotra borders on pathological, rivaling that which GinaMarie had toward Nick last season (or that which Natalie Cunial had toward Matty in Season 9). And there’s Victoria Rafaeli, a complete waste of space due to her utter pointlessness (could she become the next April Lewis or Adam Poch?)...obviously, her audition for Shahs of Sunset didn’t work out.

Who do I like this season? Along with Amber, I’m really digging Tucson barista Christine Brecht (and her “chickmance” with fellow geeky housemate Nicole Franzel). Hayden Voss (one syllable away from the namesake of Season 12’s winner) is a super-cool surfer-like dude who doesn’t actually surf (he drives a PediCab in Long Beach). Palm Beach economics graduate Zach Rance and sales account executive Cody Calafiore would totally be my “bromance” partners, if I was in the house.

And I want Frankie Grande (the real-life brother of pop music superstar Ariana Grande) as my husband!

This season, Grodner has introduced the “Team America” twist, where America voted for three houseguests (Donny, Frankie, and Rhode Island cop Derrick Levasseur) to perform acts of sabotage all season long; each member of Team America will be awarded $5,000 for every mission they successfully complete.

Also, every week TWO Heads of Household are crowded, and each of them nominates two houseguests for eviction. Then, the four nominees compete in the “Battle of the Block,” where the victorious pair automatically comes off the chopping block and overthrows the HoH who nominated them.

So what twists would I add to the Big Brother House? How about a season where we return to there being only one HoH each week – and he or she has the choice to nominate two, three, or as many as four individual houseguests for eviction. If four different houseguests are nominated for eviction, there would be two Power of Veto winners in the veto competition; and if one or both of those veto-holders chooses to leave the nominations intact, then one or two of the nominees would automatically come off the block based on an online vote (the result would still be the same: only two houseguests remain on the chopping block when it’s time to vote for eviction).

But why would an HoH nominate more than two people? Isn’t that just extra blood they’d be getting on their hands (pissing more people off)? Maybe – but, alternately, it could be a good strategy for targeting a large alliance, for taking out one of many multiple threats (strategic or physical), or for trying to get a “floater” evicted by stacking the chopping block with several covert allies.

I also would switch up the “Haves/Have-Not’s” competition (including the food reward and penalties) each week. First, while putting the losers on “slop” was entertaining during the first few seasons when it was used as a punishment, it’s gotten old. I still think there should a be “food restriction” for losers, but it should become a bit more creative than merely placing the losing team on “slop” and two bizarre items.

What I would do is turn it into a three-team competition where three separate groups of houseguests compete to become either the “Haves,” “Could-Haves,” and “Have-Nots” each week. Additionally, during weeks when the number of competing houseguests isn’t equally divisible by three, the statuses of “Haves,” “Could Haves,” and “Have-Nots” would be assigned via a collective house competition (everyone other than the HOH receives the same status, depending on how they do), or perhaps dispersed on the whims of a reward competition winner, or maybe even be based on failure to meet an endurance standard in a timed competition.

Under my blueprint:

Haves would receive: an unlimited gourmet food selection (compiled from a lengthy grocery list of their choosing), unlimited access to all of the Big Brother House’s amenities, and even some luxurious theme parties (which the “Could-Haves” and “Have-Nots” would be unable to attend).

Could-Haves (most likely, the runners-up in the competition) would receive: basic food rations (including, but not limited to, peanut-butter-and-jelly) that fall into every category on the food pyramid, standard house privileges (including hot showers and comfortable beds), but zero access to “special events” (with the exception of things specifically approved by producers, such as celebrating a houseguest’s birthday).

Have-Nots would receive: a very limited selection of approximately one dozen “bizarre” foods that are voted on by America, cold showers (producers turn off the showers’ hot water when a Have-Not is preparing to shower), and horrible sleeping conditions.

These “bizarre” foods (assigned to the “Have-Nots”) would be items that fans could vote on through the CBS website each week. The top twelve foods (voted on by America) would be the only edibles (aside from water and condiments) which the “Have-Nots” may consume during that week. These “culinary delights” could include morsels such as escargot (snails), tofu, mole, seaweed, pickled peppers, sea cucumber, whelk (sea snail), squid, octopus, sea urchin, frog legs, ostrich, kumis, fava beans, chicken hearts, kielbasa, reindeer, salo (pork belly), head cheese, jellied eels, herring, conch meat, duck livers, mussels, fish maw, Spam musubi, lutefisk, roti (Indian wholemeal bread), fresh durian, salak, ube (purple yam), wheatgrass, flax, nettles, etc.

Also, “slop” would still be available for the “Have-Nots” to exclusively consume – but only on a voluntary basis. So why would any contestant voluntarily agree to eat that rancid stuff? For every full bowl (16 ounces) of “slop” that a “Have-Not” is able to successfully consume during their “Week of Hell,” that contestant receives $1,000 (per bowl).

There are countless twists they could add...and, most certainly, countless seasons of Big Brother ahead of us.

As you can see, based on how long this article has run, my addiction to Big Brother is one that I’m not going to kick anytime soon.

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