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blmynewobsession · 2 years

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Does Sean, or does Sean not, know?

I’ve been thinking about the scene on the pier a lot, like everyone, since I saw it. I was definitely one of those who saw the previous scenes where Sean was looking through White’s things, and while I never thought that Sean knew specifically who White was, I figured he probably figured out (and later, in a roundabout way, confirmed sitting on the railing at the warehouse) that the Black who’d been around for the last two months or so wasn’t the same person as the Black from before.

I wrote up some of this in a comment on another post, but decided to put all my thoughts here, in longer form, about why Sean doesn’t recognize (right away OR at all) that the Black before him is not his Black.

I admit, leading up to today, I had been drafting in my head how I thought the first time we see Black and Sean together could go. It essentially went something like: Black wanders into the shop, and while Sean can’t really put into words just what the differences he sees are, he knows immediately that it isn’t his Black, and throws Black against one of the lockers while yelling “Where is he, you asshole?!”

Or, something.

And, who knows. If he hadn’t just had to deal with Yok and his fucking cop and if Gumpha hadn’t supported him and told him that he needs to tell Black in no uncertain terms how he feels... If Black had just shown up, or they’d met somewhere without Sean planning to talk to him, I think he would have seen it. Maybe it would take a little longer, because he wouldn’t have expected anything to be different, but pretty damned quick he would have realized that Black wasn’t looking at him like he always looked at him (for the last several weeks), that he didn’t sound like he sounded (for the last several weeks). Wasn’t caring about him in all the little ways that Sean was just coming to realize.

After all, we’ve been shown things that make us assume we have figured out that he’s figured out at least part of the puzzle (and, oh my god, can we talk about just how amazing this story has been put together? This is craftsmanship, these twists and turns).

But, whether Sean’s figured out a little or a lot or nothing at all... lovesick boy has just spent the last 2 days with the man he loves. He’s left marks on him (I will stand by this, because why else would Sean look DOWN at White’s wrists when he gets to the warehouse? They don’t need to tell us out loud - show don’t tell) that confirmed that it is his Black that he’s kissed, that he’s made love with, that he’s been comforted by. Absolutely nothing about the last days, even Yok showing up with a fucking cop, even the fight with Yok, even the conversation with Namo, would tell Sean that he needs to be suspicious of his Black. His Black is the one thing that he can trust, in all of this.

And, he’s probably spent the intervening hours between his phone call with Black and their meetup imagining just how it would go. He’s so damned certain, so hopefully, lovingly certain that he knows how this will go. He will ask his Black to be with him, really be with him, stay with him, love him, and there isn’t a single version of this he’s gone through, where the Black he’s asking isn’t his Black.

So, he shows up, and his Black is there, and Sean is so absolutely certain about what he’s about to do, so blinded by his love and his happiness and his reason and desire to keep living, that he just... doesn’t. He doesn’t think he needs to be suspicious anymore, so he... isn’t. And, maybe his Black isn’t quite right, but he did just have to meet his mother, who Sean knows he has problems with. That would be enough to drag even his Black down. That must be it. And, maybe Black doesn’t actually answer his question, but they’ve answered each other’s questions with a kiss before.

I think Sean started to realize that something was wrong when Black kissed him. Maybe it wasn’t “oh, this isn’t my Black,” but I think that, when Black grabbed his jacket and didn’t, like, touch his face or his neck or smile, something triggered. You can see surprise on his face after Black kissed him. Maybe he’d pictured a kiss as one possible reaction (see, above), but never one so... impersonal.

And then, to spit it away, like trash. To finally react the way he’d expected, weeks and weeks ago, to punch him for touching him, where yesterday, he’d helped him over a fence and caught him in his arms because his Black had wanted Sean to hug him. To beat him senseless.

Which is what is so damned heartbreaking. Because now, his heart is breaking, is being broken, is being shattered and ripped to shreds. Now, he won’t be left with anything, any happiness, any life at all. His father, gone. His mother, gone. His... his Black, gone. And, what if his Black really was a spy this whole time, and what had happened between them was nothing more than a ruse? What if his Black was just Black deciding to be an even bigger asshole than usual? What if his Black just wanted to find a way to tear Sean down, once and for all?

He has nothing left. He is nothing left.

No wonder he just gives up, gives in. Tells Yok to bring in the cop, because why not. It’s not like he’s going to be around much longer. He’ll be the one to gather the intel, and so what, if something happens? He makes it out of that, well, he’ll be the (main) one to steal the drugs. And, well... he knows what happens to drug traffickers. He makes it out of that... well, he’ll find another way to make himself the target, publicly. After all, what does he have to live for, anyway.

#sean not me #seanwhite #not me the series #yes I made myself cry a bit writing this #it got sadder the more I wrote #this episode is so heartbreaking #i think it might just be my favorite one so far #because it is just so good #even if it didn't go at all like we thought

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