#and i dont have the energy so yk what maybe itll just stay like this

[prestonmonterey]

its varian time

but with skirt bc i dont own an apron and i think its silly ok

#marble musings #the skirts actually way longer than i thought it would be #so umm #might have to hem it #but also that means i have to clean my desk to fit my sewing machine on it #and i dont have the energy so yk what maybe itll just stay like this

[imagine-something-fun]

here goes nothing ig...

So idk whos going to read this and my English is fucked so if youre gonna read this goodluck. BuT!!

Hi, how are you? ig that we havent seen eachother in a while and since then alot has changed. Now that i think about it i rlly wouldnt know what exactly, ive been so inactive on here that it seems like 4 years ago since i last posted. The reason i am posting this today is because i saw old chats on here and i read them and i got so miserable. Im not that person i was when i used this media platform and i shall never be again, and that scares the living hell out of me.

I saw all those chats eventually die off and the thing was, i dont think i even noticed, maybe not even cared. i was rlly weird but in that way also rlly strong. Maybe its just the one too many stabbies in the back or the 1 time too many that i felt excluded but idk if im still that strong.

Yes, I was a bitch. Do i regret it? to a certain level. but i now understand why i was the way i was and sometimes i still wanna be like that.

All i ever wanted was love and acceptance, once i didnt even feel happy in my own skin anymore i started to freak out. Lash out inside is fine with me, destroy your liver who cares? You can do with a few braincells less. Well i could until i couldnt. and then i got mad at everyone around me.

Im not going to say that i shouldnt have gotten so mad, but i will say that i shouldnt have gotten so sad. It wasnt necessarily directed to you but it did hurt so much and everything became too much and then i had enough.

Enough of everyone who judged me and enough of the people i called friends. But to them i will say, even tho you will never read this and maybe its better that way, im sorry i cared so much and im sorry it wasnt meant to be, but the only one i should say sorry to well that person, she is me. (hihi i rhyme)

Yk, the only thing i ever asked for was acceptance and thats the one thing i never got. ive been my share of bitchy and mean and stupid and dumb tho, i wouldnt have wanted to hang out with me either, atleast something we agreed on. But hating myself and hearing it from the only person you wanted understanding from, well that sUcks. But now i think abt it im even a little bit thankful.

Yes you were all so harsh in your own way and i tried so hard to fit in, but i tried too much and if everything wouldnt have gone the way it went, and if i never dug myself so deep i never wouldve gotten myself out of there. Out of the brainkillers, moodswings but most importantly, out of that band.

It was the one thing i loved most, and the only thing that killed me inside. Im going to admit i am insecure, not abt my body or face or hair or any of that. Im insecure about belonging. Do i fit in? and i didnt and i told myself i did. In just a few months i started hating what i loved most.

And if i hadnt been so down i wouldnt have ever seen how much i actually love him. And if i hadnt seen that and never figured i can live my life the way i want to, i wouldve never quit that band and wouldve stayed with those people alot longer.

if the odds are against me and you actually do read this on my very open social media page i dont blame you, maybe just get really embarrassed. but ill just let you know i never replaced you, once i realised i couldnt live my life with you in it, i never wanted to know anyone that even resembled you. and that thought gave me more peace of mind then any of the past 2 years ever gave me.

yes this is a very big rant about how i struggle with change and yes i know ill cringe about it in a few weeks months years whatever, but i do this for me, read it or dont. but if you did and youre reading this right now, whoever you are, i wanna ask you.

Are you happy?

because i wasnt, even when i thought i was, and maybe i just wanna give you my word of advice but dont go looking for something youll never find. itll save you alot of time and energy and trust me, youll need it.

so i think i finished up here. thank you for reading this although you really didnt have to.

Goodnight,

Jackie

[n0ct0urn1quet]

i am but a simple gay with simple gay thoughtse. head emptye no thoughts only gf <333

i literally have not been able 2 stop thinkgng abt everything that we were talkging abt yesterday abt u comging to visit n stuff. lke. i know that we dont even Know whether its gona happen or not but like!!!!!!! still!!!!!!!!!!!!! the fact that It Could Be Completely Possible is like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so pog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bc bro,,,,,,,,,,,,,,once ur here we can Do Things together,,,,,,,,,,,,,,like ykno,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Gay Things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we can holde hands,,,,,,,,,,,we can cuddle,,,,,,,,,,,,we can Hug,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,we can maybe even kis or somethignng i dunno 😳😳😳😳😳

BUT like bro aside from doing gay things itll jus. be nice. to have u here. bro i am home alone 99% of the time and when im not home alone im either with mom or her bf or both of them and they r shitty people to be around so like. id unno itll be nice to jus have some company yk what i mean,,,,,,,,,,,,and ik its not forever n you'll have 2 go home eventually but. if we can make This possible then i hav no doubt that itll be possible again in the future. maybe like during the summertime when we have way more free time we could actually visit each other more often or somethin. i think thatd be pogge........

oh and also like god. its gona probably be A Bit Weird for the first day or so cause. yknow. im not used to Seeing Ur Face and im for sure not gonna be used to you Actually Physically Being Here. i mean yes ofc itll be nice that ur here but Its Gonna Be Strange! cause ive never met u in person before!!!!! so like!!!!!!!!! gfhdbgfhjbhjfde!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

listen man i just rly rly hope that we can Actually make this hapen. like. i would love more than anythignmg for u to just be here n stay with me for a bit. n like we dont rly have to do anythin high energy or energetic or anythin. we can jus chill together n do gay things. n honestly? thats fuckimg pog!

@lead-them-feed-them-to-the-clown ur fucking pog bro and i love u :) <3

#micah.txt #real gaylord hours JKSDJKASJJHAJHHJA #anywyawys goodntie i lobe u very very muche and ALSOO . im give u another kis #*mmmmmmmmmwah* big kis for u :] #lobe u honey :) <3