#and i want to be presentable... and to behave properly and contribute meaningfully. to the meeting

[homo-house]

i am losing. It

#i have three different appointments tomorrow which I feel I should prepare for but I can't #because of a multitude of things #first of all that my room is dirty and i myself am dirty... and i have been struggling with doing anything at all for a month because of it #its not the worst but any amount of dirty is too much for me its enough that i dont know where to begin but my threshold is low #so that means even just five things out of place can and will drive me insane from choice paralysis #i feel so filthy for existing really #anyways the second thing is i cant start preparing for the meetings before i finish this one thing ive been putting off for a month #i juat have to edit a text i wrote based on a tutor's feedback which i received last month but havent opened yet because im so terrified!! #so far 9ve read one page out of like 7 and im scared of going further #its so pathetic but i genuinely feel i need someone to hold my hand so i can open this thing #and third. third im just plain anxious for tomorrow because i will be seeing my profs + parental figures for the first time in 2 months #and i want to be presentable... and to behave properly and contribute meaningfully. to the meeting #BUT IM SCARED!!! im always so scared of everything im so scared of meeting with people i love #im scared of disappointing them etc #Hjhh why why why. why cant i heal faster why cant i be normal #im sickkkk im sick of being sick of being mentally ill im fighting demons just to stay awake!!!! fuck!!! fucj