#and im still worried that ive nuked several of my relationships with people through a combination of trauma response and my own stupidity

[gwaindrifter]

fuck

#I am under so much stress and heartache right now #that I really am just being held together by the thinnest thread right now #my dysphoria is through the roof #and I feel like the people I care about don't and never will really see me as a woman #and on top of that everytime I step in my parents' house I surrounded by pretransition photos on me #including a fucking painting of me as 4 year old done by my homophobic uncle thats hanging prominently in the living room #and I will lose my shit if one more person close to me or someone i care about dies #because everytime i turn around another person drops dead #including a man I viewed as a pinnacle of strength and wit wasting away slowly from brain cancer #and everywhere i turn people i care about are having health issues crop up #including my father who i already worried working himself to death from always helping people #having to have a procedure done that im so worried he's not going to actually rest and recover from #that im trying to trick him into getting addicted to a video game so that he'll fucking sit down #and im still worried that ive nuked several of my relationships with people through a combination of trauma response and my own stupidity #and i know healing takes time but i have an incessant need to fix things that ive inherited from my father #and while money isnt to much of an issue now #if i dont find a job and one that i enjoy soon im going to lose my fucking mind from just sitting around my house all day #like i really shouldnt have quit my old job even though i hated it because being unemployed is so much worse #also while minor im freaking out about finding a new RPG for my gaming group to play #because i feel like ive let them down by prematurely ending our current campaign because i cant move forward with it #and if i dont find some proper stress relief soon #im going to hurl myself against a wall