#and it's crushing that I've been living like an ascetic since march 2020 to keep my parents safe

[doedipus]

I wonder if I'll ever get my lungs back

#with my luck probably not #for the last two weeks I've been on a cycle of like #can't breathe right so I use the inhaler -> wait an hour and start to feel jittery -> cough a shitload -> #breathe okay for an hour or two with intermittent coughing -> lungs start fucking up again -> #try to deal with it as long as possible before using the inhaler again #it's interminable and I hate it #I hope I won't need to use this thing to breathe 4-6 times daily for the rest of my life because it's really unpleasant #and it's really scary to just be sitting down doing nothing in particular and suddenly be unable to catch my breath #it's been super hot out so I haven't really been trying to go out or do anything #but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried that I'll go for a walk and get stranded cuz I flew too close to the sun #and I've also read that supposedly there's better recovery rates for long covid if you take it easy early on #it's so scary #I'm so scared #and I feel so alone in all this #I don't want to die but it's hard living like this #and it's crushing that I've been living like an ascetic since march 2020 to keep my parents safe #and the one time I do something for my fucking self this happens #it's like the universe wants me to feel as hopeless and useless as possible #I got excited and signed up for another in person event in october #but I'm petrified this will just happen again #or like by the time it happens I might not be able to walk around and do shit #or I'll be fine but I'll bring it home #I don't want to die but this isn't living either #I just want to have some kind of a life I can be content with but it's always further and further away