#and its the simple thing of Realising mid way that i am infact: wrong i just dont know how to Not keep going.

[29121996]

lol

#i realised that bc i crave yhe chaos of toxicity that ill take the worst parts abt him and spin it so he seems Even Worse than it is. #hes not all that bad and hes fucking trying. i know that. but hes hard work. #but bc im so used to . Toxic behsviour and fighting and everything that isnt peace ill try and make arguments over Nothing #even if i have no bakcup and i know hes right i keep Trying to make a fight out of Nothing and i dont know how to stop that or how to even #understand how that makes me feel. and i feel so fucking terrible about it. and i wamna Change that so bad but its so fucking scary to? #bc i literally had the thoight today of how boring and . ubevental my relationship had been for the last week and a half . #and a few hours later i was getting upset with him.over something that couldvr simply been a simple conversation. #and i dont know how to Not Do That . i dont know how to fix this at all or how to go abt trying to fix this thoughy and action pattern. #bc while he is an arrogant prick. i can be so fuxkibg terrible to him and he doesnt xeserve that . #and its the simple thing of Realising mid way that i am infact: wrong i just dont know how to Not keep going. #bc i did that tn. i realised that i was jnfact qrong. but didnt wanna back down bc id already Started #anx tje guilt of realising i was wrong was so fuxking Disgusting. all i wanted to do was Keep Going w the bullshit #bc i know that rhere were much better ways to phrase what i was thinking and i didmt have to do it tn #i couldve literally just msntioned that there was an ussue w xyz and that shile he didnt need to fix it tn #i did wanna talk abt it later but did need the extra reassurance #i just dont know how to even fucking . ask for that .