#and just!!! everyone has thrown a grenade at my plans and progress!!!

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Oh ya know, most of my ideas feeling tired and boring is probably because I haven't like. Just chilled and done whatever for a while. Been stressing over this gecko and am not likely to get to stop doing that until after the health check. Thankfully there's not as much to do now, but it still feels like a lot to do.

#i don't think this is the right medication for me ngl cause this is harder than it needs to be #but it also could be the overwhelming nature to this #the part where getting a new pet hasn't been exciting it's just been stress after stress #and no one is listening to me about stuff and I'm relying on being awarded disability benefits #to be able to get the money to replace the tank to the appropriate size #with the appropriate design for a house with cats #which is pushing things that i myself need back because i can't afford both #AND it's forcing the hand and making me HAVE to do things which is putting so much pressure on me #and then bosh is still here and i still have to work with him cause no one else will #apparently he's not leaving anymore so thanks now i have MORE to do #and just!!! everyone has thrown a grenade at my plans and progress!!! #and now that I'm struggling AFTER I've been succeeding? WELL GUESS WHAT PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING FROM ME #i just. god. #everything's gone... so fast... #i can at least do the digital stuff now. maybe some of the tank stuff... #cause that's a desperate case too... i just... god... i had plans and they were going well #and i was struggling yeah but i was coping but then everyone just. GOD I HATE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE #'why are you always getting at me?' BECAUSE YOU KEEP IGNORING MY NEEDS FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE #AND FOR THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS #OBVIOUSLY #I'm not even mad at the gecko. I'm scared to say I love him. it's not his fault whats going on. #the only innocent here #hhhhhhhhhhhh sorry to personal ramble here I'm just. struggling. #and mum bought crickets. great. not like there were fifty reasons why we didn't have them before or anything. #cool. #fun. #get me out of here fucking hell I'm tired #I'll be happy once geck is safe with all his needs met. until then I'm stuck in purgatory. #and freaking out over nothing (waxworms that obviously move)

[marshunter06]

“Didn’t I”- OneRepublic (Romanogers)

AN: Shout out to @lotsofloveish for pushing me to listen to this song giving me inspiration. Tbh this should probs be a multichap fic, but I suck at those. Maybe one day I’ll actually do it...

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I love you?

Didn't we, didn't we, didn't we fly?

Know that I, know that I still care for you

But didn't we, didn't we say goodbye?

Steve brought back the soul stone last. He has hoped that doing so would immediately bring her back, but it didn’t. He waited even with Red Skull warning him it would not work. He should have been back to his reality, but he couldn’t face it without her. It wasn’t until Clint went looking for him on Voirmir with the same somber expression that gave him the strength to leave.

“I miss her too, but it’s time to go home. Nat would want you to go back.”

——

Natasha opens her eyes, wait, that shouldn’t be possible. She should be dead, she jumped off the cliff. She sits up, observing her surroundings, still in Voirmir and indeed at the bottom of the cliff. She gets up on her feet, the motion makes her muscle ache. It feels too real for someone who shouldn’t be alive. She doesn’t understand. One thing’s for sure, she wouldn’t be able to scale the cliff and get back up. Even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to get back. If she did somehow come back from the dead, no one would know, Clint would’ve taken the ship which leaves her stranded. There has to be another option… She still had the pym particle! It miraculously survived the fall, she could use it to go back to the original timeline as long as the rest of her equipment was still working. This was her only shot, she had to try it.

——

A month has passed since he returned the stones, earth is slowly readjusting to the blip. Things have somewhat gone back to normal. Still Steve is haunted by the loss of his one true love. He tries to busy himself, but then he’ll think he sees her at a coffee shop only to be let down when he can’t find her. He’s starting to lose his reality without Natasha to guide him. She’s always been the one to point him in the right direction, he’s lost without her.

——

It worked, but she was too late. Thanos has been defeated, and Tony had to pay his life to do so. They were supposed to bring everyone back with the stones, now Morgan will grow up without her father by her side. She may have missed the funeral, but nothing is stopping her from paying her respects now.

“Thought I would find you here.”

“I thought you were dead.”

“I could say the same thing about you. How did you know I would be here?”

“Where else would you be if you were alive? You’re not that hard to figure out.”

“What do you want from me Yelena?”

“A chance for you to come back home. The rest of the world thinks you’re dead, it’s the perfect cover.”

“You really don’t know me if you think I would agree to that.”

“You can’t hide from your nature Natalia, we’re black widows, we’re meant to work in the shadows.”

“Not this one. I won’t go back.”

“Suit yourself, don’t blame me for what happens next.”

“The red room is gone, you don’t have anything over me anymore.”

“Whatever helps you sleep better at night sister.”

——

It started with just seeing her, but now six months later, he swears he hears her laugh. He was headed back to his place past a packed bar scene when he heard her. He nearly dropped his takeout. There were too many people around, he couldn’t tell where it came from. His mind must be playing tricks on him again, but the sound was so real. He could recognize her voice anywhere.

——

In the end, Natasha knew she couldn’t just let Yelena get away. They were her family first, even though they’re on the wrong side, besides keeping her close makes it easier to figure out her next move. Still she couldn’t stay away from her real home for long. She really has gone soft. She used to be able to go deep undercover for months even years at a time, now she can’t help yearning to be back at Steve’s side. Just one look she would tell herself, any longer than that and she would be found out. Once Hydra is taken care of, then she could go get that life they both talked about.

——

Steve never thought he would have to go without her, but a year later Natasha still wasn’t back. He visits her gravesite often wishing she would give him a sign that she hears him. He can’t fathom a life without her even though he knows she would have wanted him to get one. Either they move on together or not at all. No one could ever compare to her.

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I love you?

Didn't we, didn't we, didn't we try?

Know that I, know that I still care for you

Tell me why good things have to die

——

A full year passes and Natasha isn’t close to stopping Hydra. Maybe she should ask for help, she knows Sam and Bucky have been following the tracks she’s left behind. She wonders why Steve isn’t with them, but she knows the answer. He’s exhausted and with no one to stop him from being so reckless, he’s a liability to the mission. Grieving both her and Tony’s death really took a toll on him. He hasn't been able to move on. Maybe she should let him know she’s alive, but it would jeopardize the little progress she’s made here. Yelena trusts her and she’s on the inside, she can’t risk this no matter how much she wants to.

——

When word got to Steve that Hydra was starting to thrive once more he knew he had to stop them. He was in no condition though, so when Sam and Bucky offered to go check things out he didn’t fight them. He finds himself doing what Natasha did during those five years before Thanos was finally turned to dust- running the newly built Avengers headquarter. He thinks back to their many long conversations at night when they’ve both had too much to drink. They made countless plans together for when they could find a way to reverse everything. He would take her to all the places he traveled to during the war and they would trade stories. She would take him back to her motherland and give him a glimpse into her past. They would stay up late, not because of a mission, but because they could finally relax and just enjoy being in each other’s company.

Never thought we'd ever have to go without

Take you over anybody else, hands down

We're the type of melody that don't fade out

Don't fade out, can't fade out

——

He never did get to say goodbye to her, and he still won’t. He doesn’t know why he keeps on holding onto the hope she’s alive. It’s almost as if he could feel that she was still with them, did Pepper think that about Tony?

“Hey Cap, you doing okay?”

“Yeah, sorry Sam, I spaced out.”

“You sure you’re up for this?”

“It’s what she would want. It’s been almost two years now. Besides this is her family we’re dealing with.”

“She told you about them?”

“Not entirely, but I know how much Yelena means to her.

——

“So we finally meet, Captain America.”

“You can still do the right thing Yelena. You don’t have to follow Hydra.”

“I’m not like my sister, we have different ideals.”

Before he could get another word out, an explosion interrupts them. He’s thrown backwards, he gets up almost immediately after the fall, but she’s disappeared in the smoke.

“Sam, Buck, are you both alright?”

“Fine. The explosion didn’t quite reach us, in coming Sam!”

“Little busy here Cap.”

“Take care of those guys, I’m going after her.”

He makes it out of the building fairly quickly, he sees a flash of black over on the right towards the field. He immediately follows it, she couldn’t have gotten far. He gets closer and sees that she has a mask on. He didn’t think she brought a friend, but it was obvious he wasn’t chasing Yelena. There was something familiar about this person though. He nearly catches up to her when another explosion sounds in the distance.

“Steve we’ve got more company. Sam and I are on the way to you.”

He narrowly dodges a grenade Yelena throws at him. He throws his shield at her in return knocking her down. Instead of focusing on Steve, she shouts at the other widow he was chasing.

“Get out of here now!”

The masked widow runs off while Yelena gets up. Steve picks up his shield deciding not to run after the other person.

“You’re not getting away from me this time.”

“Watch me.”

She strikes first, knowing he would block it. He strikes back, but she moves out of the way. Neither of them noticed until it was too late, a widow bite shot out hitting Yelena. On the other end of it was the same person she told to run away.

“Who are you?”

She doesn’t answer him, instead she gestures for him to look behind him, another explosion ensures. It knocks all three of them back. Steve recovers first he looks for the two widows, he sees the ripped mask first then he sees her.

“Nat?”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

Smoke surrounds them in an instant. By the time it fades they’re both gone. She’s gone. Again.

We had our moments, didn't we? (Oh)

So much that we will never be (Oh)

#romanogers #sfs #I’ve missed writing for my otp