#and like. going to the uk was part of what forced me outta my shell and kinda changed my whole life

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#ok so if i wanna do a phd in the uk im prob gonna have to try for some scholarships #so now im stuck staring at the stupid very competitive scholarship listings #and like i mean ill go for it i guess but there is no fucking way im gonna get then #bc the 2 thst would cover the whole thing are either fulbright or the one specific to the institution. which is an prestigious uni so like #also super competitive. and then i look at what they want and of course they want leadership qualities #and i just. im like god. someone else deserves this more than me #im an awkward anxious person. i could say that im trying my best to walk toward a place where i could me a leader #that could be my angle. like overcoming my stupid dyslexic brain and inability to be a human #and like. going to the uk was part of what forced me outta my shell and kinda changed my whole life #so i mean. i guess that's something #but like i just feel horribly embarrassed when they ask for like community outreach or whatever bc im like hhh i go to the lab at weird #times so i dont have to interface with ppl. i have nothing to contribute to society. sorry for taking ur time. goodbye #but ugh i might as well go for it i guess. it just feels real bad to have to present ur merits as a person like thst when u dont have much #to put on the table. i mean ive got my school stuff. ive done things. but does any of that have any value other #than occuping my brain? idk #sigh... i need to find more labs. and im meeting with a guy Wednesday. hopefully thst goes well. then i dont have to think abt this... #unrelated