#and our landlord is being weird about approving us to get wifi

[noreasonreally]

alright, i have shit to get done today and if i don’t write down my frustrations i’m gonna be super distracted. which is a few notches above my normal setting, easily distracted, and that just won’t do. so, here’s a rough draft of the shit i want to say to current roomie:

life is rough. sure. money is tight and apparently “having a job you’re overqualified for is worse than having no job at all” and my cat is ruining your mental health and you compromise way more than i do.

but when i genuinely don’t remember you telling me you’re staying an extra 30 days past the agreed-upon move out date, and even though we’ve talked about new tenants coming in and the fact that you didn’t have to find a subleaser anymore, you could’ve reminded me. and you could’ve mentioned this to the landlords who sat down and made the notes on the lease with us. and yeah, you have a legal right to be here. i don’t know where the comment about august 17th came from but i guess you were right about being able to stay until then, too, because you’re able to stay as long as you want.

but let’s also get something straight. i’m not attacking you by trying to sort this out. i didn’t waltz into the landlord’s office and sign a lease cackling about tricking you. i don’t remember you telling me and just lie about it - because if i knew that was the case, i wouldn’t have made an ass of myself signing a lease that would end up screwing over everyone but yourself.

also, i hope you realize this means you still owe another month’s rent, and another month’s bills, and by august 5th i’m changing the wifi password if i don’t get that money. sound unfair? well i thought it was unfair that you lied to me about paying rent, reamed me a new asshole when i asked for bill money, and texted me angry novels at 4AM after pitifully saying “i prefer to talk about these things in person.”

it’s exhausting to keep going around and around with you. i stopped caring about your mental health a long time ago because it’s nothing i can fix, and i don’t sympathize with those i don’t trust. it’s exhausting to justify my actions when i don’t even know what actions you’re taking to fix your own problems. it’s exhausting to explain my to-do list to you as if it’s something to be ashamed of. 

i jumped into the ring one more time a month ago, angry and venting even after i’d gotten your bill money, because you had to get one more verbal jab in there, as if we’re trying to win some fight against each other instead of co-exist with electric, gas, and internet. instead of trying to help one another, it’s turned into “how dare you not remember, how dare you not agree, how dare you not (take some action that really isn’t a huge deal it just needs to be discussed).” 

and really - honestly - if you told me, and i forgot, that’s my bad. i didn’t anticipate you telling me you were staying another month. i didn’t anticipate you immediately jumping to “i can legally stay here til aug 17th, and that document you signed is just void, and i’m not going anywhere.” i didn’t anticipate any of that. i thought you might ask for a hand moving stuff, or getting furniture out of the way. i started out the headbutting match with “that’s... a major miscommunication, did you tell the landlords” and she said it didn’t matter, she’ll call them tomorrow, etc., etc.

which, if we look at the track record, means she won’t. so i got my phone out and used the last of my phone minutes to talk to the landlord who apologized for the oversight and said if she stays another month she’ll have to find a subleaser and pay that rent and if she doesn’t, they’ll take her to court.

does that feel great? no. was it relieving? yeah. because i’ve been feeling that aching gnaw in my stomach in my house again, of hating coming home, of locking myself in my room, of pushing away paranoia about animal abuse and property damage, that i thought i left behind. talking to dear friends has helped me acknowledge that it’s a trigger. so my behavior hasn’t been the healthiest, either - i should remain calm, not reply in kind to long messages. for the most part, i’ve been able to. we’re only human.

and as angry as i was last night, i’m back to a weird internal peace. so, i didn’t get what i wanted - a new roommate on the date i’ve been looking forward to this whole summer. worse things have happened. i really hope the other girl finds a new place, or somewhere to crash until aug 31st. i really liked her, she was super low-key. a nice change of pace.

the thing stuck in my head now is the last conversation i had with current roomie about it. “you really don’t remember?” “no, when did you tell me??” “like a month ago!” “when?” “you expect me to remember what we were doing?!” “yeah! please! cause i don’t remember.” “you know what? you can’t gaslight me like this. (starts to walk away) this is gonna be a rough 30 days.” “yeah. i bet.”

and like.... sure, it’s shitty of me to not remember. but telling someone an important detail like that, one time, and only the roommate, not the landlords... not only do i not trust that you told me, i don’t feel sorry if you did. part of being responsible is following up. checking. making sure. did the word “gaslight” hurt me? yeah, ‘cause learning that i grew up in it was harsh, and i don’t want to be that person. is my worth shaken? am i afraid i’m being a bad person? am i afraid our mutual friends will now think i’m garbage? yeah, there’s a fair amount of that.

but there’s only one person whose approval i truly need, and that’s mine. i’m the one who has to live with myself. i’m the one who has to walk in these shoes. i remember just begging for my father’s love and approval, and i’m sensitive to people disliking me. but at the end of the day, i’m not apologizing to someone when i don’t think they deserve it. especially not when i know it’ll just get thrown back in my face as a “gotcha” moment the next time i upset them.

(as a side note, i’ve been inching away from those mutual friends for a while. we’re not meshing as well as we used to and i’m abusing alcohol a lot while around them - not their fault, but something i need to take responsibility for and take action over. so....... their approval or lackthereof isn’t super high on my list of priorities.)

you know. people are allowed to be mad at me. they can. god knows they often should be and that i’ve needed a kick in the pants way more than once. this isn’t a situation where i can or should change anything other than clarifying myself. maybe i’ll say some of these things to current roomie, but probably not. because our emotional exchanges are volatile more often than not, and i have better things to pour my energy into. and let’s be real, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t the worst miscommunication to ever happen, and whether or not anyone believes me, i didn’t mean any harm. maybe that’s all i need to say to roomie. “i didn’t mean any harm.” 

of course, on the off chance she hasn’t been trying to come to a way of communicating and is still royally pissed at me and super defensive, i may just be setting myself up for more emotional work. 

oh and in the interest of putting all this down and getting it outta my noggin, the last thing she properly communicated to me was “don’t talk to me for a while, i’m tired of being the only one who compromises!!!” and... that was never resolved. she just casually asked me about subleasers and commented when i broke a glass while she happened to be in the room. other than that she barely looked me in the eye. so... still wondering if we’re technically allowed to speak again or if she’s just shunning/un-shunning me at will.

c’est la vie. here’s to one more month of shit left in the toilet, food left in the sink, and wondering if my cat feels safe when i’m not home. 

#personal #hi my name is kenzi and i will focus on good shit #starting.... now!!!