#and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out

[carcarrot]

i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.

#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation #saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me. #im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am #my friend? asleep. #now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST #like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen #because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message #saying that im going out for croissants and coffee #because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july #ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea) #i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!! #so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed) #im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning #hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed) #i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey #google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right. #so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place #as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction #i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame #and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out #somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo #he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did #and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way. #i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better #i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat #and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him #so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel #and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us #AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts! #and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story

[zenatoxine]

It’s so weird how something can go from seemingly unimportant to a knife in your side. I feel like it’s such a trans experience to go through these weird tRaNsItIoNs where you can be like “Whatever I don’t care about pronouns, it’s more comfortable for me to not make other people uncomfortable.” Or “idk my name is whatever, I don’t really like it and it doesn’t align with me but whatever. Changing things is scary and is difficult for everyone involved blah blah.” Which I guess is like the residue of denial and internalized transphobia/not thinking you have any value or worth as a person, and inherently your comfort doesn’t matter… But like maybe that’s also linked to childhood trauma wHo’S tO sAyYyYyy??? But going from that to the decision that your discomfort and overall wellbeing is actually more important than other people’s hypothetical discomfort. Getting to the point where suddenly every time you hear the wrong pronoun your throat clenches. Even when it’s not in reference to you there’s that split second where your brain just has no idea if it’s you… If you are in fact the amorphous pronoun floating in the air? Or when you come to a conclusion on the wild ride of picking your own name, that when you hear the one given to you it’s a weird wash that comes over you. But like in that weird space between your muscles and you skin. Above and also underneath. You can feel it pour through as you try to process it as you always have, but suddenly every part of you is so completely aware of just how wrong it is. A reminder of how wrong it always was, but you were left with the concept that you never had the power to change such things, that what was right never mattered. A reminder that you aren’t you in the eyes of other people’s perceptions. A realization that whatever decisions and changes you were tied into believing weren’t yours to make are just that, yours. And struggling through all of that and the rope burn to that place of “Wow, I can actually do whatever I want and need to” is really daunting. To suddenly realize you have the power to click your heels three times and go home. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtOsNSZBqmF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1cfwfekt6m7f5