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dnawield--a · 4 years

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002. BEN IS AUTISTIC

Hi, in this house we support and accept the notion that Ben is autistic. No, I won’t elaborate.

EXCEPT I WILL.

Going off the original series, Ben almost comes off as a neurotypical kid: just chilling, ready to leave for summer vacation with his grandpa across the country, seeing he failed a test, but who cares? It’s summer time! Tries to help this other kid who’s getting picked up, only to fair less than successful (hanging from his underwear from a tree branch with the other kid who’s pissed Ben made things worse), and then is picked up from his grandfather. Excitedly, he runs into the Rv lovingly named “The Rustbucket”, but his chipper attitude quickly changes upon seeing his cousin, Gwen, sitting there.

Immediately, he’s getting angry over her being there. This was not part of the routine that he was ready for; it was only supposed to be him and his grandpa. He says, “What is SHE doing here?!” She’s ruining everything! He’s angry! He’s mad! He’s yelling! He goes right up in her face, and it’s only his cousin’s insistence that this was her mother’s idea, and not hers. He’s still mad, but it stays aimed at her as her mom isn’t here. The tantrum takes a near twenty minutes for him to calm.

Later on, watching the Universe take him as its new host, the Omnitrix ( from the containment it was preciously protected by ) hatches and latches onto its new home on the young boy’s wrist. The mixture of fear of a foreign object JUMPING onto his wrist and not letting go as well as the immediate discomfort at this new sensation on his wrist. It feels like something is suctioning itself into his skin. Bad! Bad! Bad texture! But he can’t take it off. It’s stuck. He cries for a moment, biting at his wrist, hoping to get it off. That’s what we don’t see. What we do see his the desperate attempts with a stick to try and force it off, but no. It has decided to stay put. As much as he wants it off, Ben realizes it’s stuck.

Things, however take a turn for the better when he hears the beep when the dial pops up. He turns the dial, and he instantly looks excited. That wondrous click clack! The noise makes the awful sensation on his wrist lighten, and he just keeps fiddling. Stim away the bad feelings of what’s on your wrist. Maybe it’ll make a comforting noise when you push down?

The rest is history. Dangerous stim toy, and yeah, more than that, but hey! Stim!

Fast forward another year, the end of summer. He’s spent a lot of time using this one new alien. It feels good. He loves this alien. Feedback is great! He loves Feedback. He loves this new routine he’s settled into. It feels good to have one. Yeah, everyone tells him he shouldn’t rely on the one alien, but...he was doing fine right now. He always won! Ben was a super hero after all! Heroes always come on top! However, that routine comes to an end- one he wouldn’t ever be prepared for. No easing out of it like his mother and father always so carefully helped with. As much as he loved his grandfather, Max was rather old fashioned. Ben’s tantrums were his fault and he just “had to mature” and get over it.

He’s being treated as if this is an addiction. This is what he likes! This is what makes him happy! He spent a whole nine months having to keep going alien on such a down low! Give him this! He gets angry again! Another tantrum is coming, and he runs out, away from people who don’t want to understand and talk to him like his parents! Only they’ve been good about how he thinks! How he works! Everyone else keeps trying to force him to change without giving him time or attention or trying to find ways to help him ease out of a routine! But no! He was immature! He’s acting up for attention! He can hear his cousin try to talk to him, but he’s angry. It’s her fault! Her mom thinks he’s just acting up! He’s heard his moms phone calls with his aunt about him. His mom always defends him! She tells her what’s up, but Aunt Natalie doesn’t ever get it! She just thinks this is something he has to repress! Gwen clearly has to think so as well!

Malware- evil Malware- comes and that’s when he decides to make a point. Turn into Feedback! Stop the bad guy with his favorite alien! That’ll show them all!

Except it doesn’t.

He loses him. No more Feedback. No more happy feelings. Literally, they were ripped from him, like in school and like the times with his aunt. It doesn’t matter the one who took what he loved from him had blown up------------ it didn’t bring back what Ben lost. He just hides in the bathroom the trip back home.

These are the instances from the past in show that I go back to for this headcanon. I have my own that don’t have “canon” basis, but canon is a suggestion at this point in life. When Ben turned three, he still hadn’t spoken. His parents decided to have him evaluated, and in the mean time, all three of them learned sign language together so they could communicate. Sandra and Carl learned just how patient they could be. Finding out that their kid was a boy, that he didn’t like these kinds of foods because they feel ‘icky’ and ‘bad’ so they learned to work with it. They learned he has certain ways he wants to do things. When it’s okay, they let him do it his way. When it’s not, they all communicate and find ways to work with him so they can come to an agreement. By age five and a few months after, he begins to verbally communicate more. It’s amazing! Both parents are amazed at how much he likes to talk, although, they do come and find that while they try to always explain to him calmly he can’t say certain things like that to people during these situations, he never quite could get it. But they knew, and they never reprimanded him. That’s why he was always a good son. They all communicated. His parents learned how to listen, and Ben learned how to tell them what he wanted- be it verbally or through sign when he would go back to being non-vocal.

Honestly, you sorta get pull this idea from the fact that Ben’s parents in AF are having a conversation about how they’ve done a pretty good job raising their son. They give him enough freedom, and he does well in school, he does well in his sports, since his second summer with his grandpa, he never deals with issues in school for disciplinary things. He’s grown up to be a really GOOD kid, and they’re AWARE that they’ve done good as parents! They literally ONLY became super strict there for a bit and limited his freedom SO MUCH was because they found out he was fighting aliens and literally putting his LIFE on the line. It wasn’t outlandish of them to do that. They genuinely are afraid for their son. They don’t even CARE he turns into horrifying aliens; they care that he’s been lying to them despite the relationship they’ve built over the course of so many years. And at the end of the episode, they’re still worried, but TRUST him that he’ll be safe and CONTINUE to let him have his freedom because THIS is so important to both him and the Universe.

There’s a bit of repression of his autistic habits such as stimming ( via fiddling with the Omnitrix), his hyperfixations/special interests (granted yeah the Universe does take precedence), and he becomes colder because he gets reprimanded when he has a tantrum because no one (aside from Gwen) takes the time to realize how they have to talk to him about things. And even she doesn’t ALWAYS get it, but all of team 10 has their issues with emotions and actually talking things out. Gwen tries her best, and HAS learned sign from Ben, so sometimes she signs with him when she can tell he can’t get his point across verbally.

OV he’s more free to his autistic self that his parents taught him to LOVE about himself, that it’s not a part of himself he SHOULD be repressing simply because his role model is telling him it’s bad (in Max’s own subtle ways of being ableist). And while Ben doesn’t think poorly of his grandfather for being annoyed with the fact Ben is not ashamed of being autistic, he is aware his grandpa doesn’t know everything and this is one thing his parents will ALWAYS have over him.

Everyone still gets on his case about fiddling with the watch, but like, he’s still gonna do it. He does find other things around him to stim with so he doesn’t mess with the Omnitrix all that much, but still. He happy flaps his hands, and doesn’t care if his grandpa (or anyone really) makes a comment ‘cause who cares what you think? He’s feeling good and feeling happy and THIS is how he’s gonna express it.

#hc. \ ɪ·ʟʟ sʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍʏ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀs #long post*#// i may add more in the future to this but for now

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ih8me2ash · 5 years

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My Journal Entries (post #18)

( Word Count: 2356 )

“My name was safest in your mouth, and why'd you have to go and spit it out? Your voice, it was the most familiar sound, but it sounds so dangerous to me now. I have questions for you.. ”

"It's been a few years since you've been gone, and there's not a day that I don't think about you. I grew up to be exactly what you wanted, I've been living out the dream that you dreamt up. Because honestly life is a nightmare when I even think of a memory of you. You still haunt me, and you’re not even close enough to touch me, see me, breathe my air, not even close enough to hurt me.. So I thought, all you have to do is sit in you’re throne of lies, as the whiplash will hit me harder than a hurricane. What did I ever do to you that made you hate me so aggressively, when you mixed it so erroneously with the word love? And that was the worst part of this endless occurring heartache. That you would never admit you’re true feelings about my whole entire existence. Love is a word you don’t throw around so nonchalantly, effortlessly, easily, you get the point, you don’t throw that word around if you don’t mean what you say, and say what you mean. " “The only closure at this point for me is not the death threats, not the aggressive rants, the insults, the claims of me lying. It’s you finally saying those three words, do you want to know what it is? Come’on it’s okay to guess, no answer? Okay, I’ll say it. I want you to say “I hate you.” To my face, via text, to me. Because I know this time you’ll mean it.” “You said, you’d love me like a sister would love her real sister. So tell me this, when I ask the question, “why.” Everytime I try to think of a time when you weren’t trying to use me.. Emotionally, physically, verbally, sexually, constantly, you loved me like a sister my ass... And I kept it inside, all of it, to make you happy.. To make a facade of a happy life, so most nights I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep because of the things you would say and do to me.. And I don’t want people to believe me, I could care less who is on my side or not. Because I know what happened, it’s my body.. And you took it from me, you took my innocence, you took the only thing that mattered to me, and that was myself.. You still have that part of me, and honestly, you can keep it, if that’s what helps you sleep at night. Because that’s a piece of myself that I never want back, Why did you leave me here to burn? I’ve combusted into flames, and rose from the ashes that held the spot of my body in graved into the soil. Reborn into the person that I, myself wanted to always be. ” “I think, you’re scared that I’m off my leash and chain, that this poor dog is going to cry and whine. But I don’t want to keep this negative vibe in-caved into my soul, sure I can rant and rave all I want. But what is the actual point of that? Fame? Attention? Fake friends built on a bridge of insecurities trapped behind a mask? Oh doesn’t that sound like the dream, but it’s not the dream I wish for myself. So I blocked all the people who even remotely associate themselves with you. To avoid the drama you and them bring along in the air to make me the slightest bit upset. Because I’m not unhealthy, I’m not obsessed by spreading mockery through out non-important peers, I’m not in controlling the media to turn myself into the victim, who wants to play the victim anyways? It’s really boring.“ “Speaking of playing victim; I love how you thought I would even been the slightest pushed away from our own brother, because the woman that called herself his step-mother. Let’s get one thing straight, I cried the whole time because she use this get together that was supposed to be about our brother but making it about trying to eat me alive. To torment, ridicule, jeopardize, snarl, nit-pick, bite, and poke at me. You know she acts like our real mother right? So you understand that she’s a psychopath? That now she verbally abuses him? He was trying to have fun, but you know that’s kind of hard when he kept being reminded of the bad things that happen to us. And not once did I mentioned the gun thing, because I did not want to trigger our “non-autistic” brother. Yes, to her the woman you think so highly about, thinks that our brother isn’t normal if he has autism and labels him with OCD?” “Let’s take a step by step of how I felt that day, and let’s use a bland word I don’t want to use but that’s how it made me feel.. I felt like I was all alone, and now I’m a shame to our family because I didn’t choose them to run to. But you want to know something? Now that I think about it, I never belonged in the first place. You all are such hostile and violent people, I could never compare myself to you all, not even in a single timeline. It’s kinda embarrassing now that I think about it, all my family is good at, is making a big seen in public in make an absolute ass out of themselves. Hysterical, because to be honest my real family is just a joke to me. Of course, their are a few decent people in the bunch, but two have passed away, of natural and murder causes, one is on his way of dying, and going legit senile, and the last one is my brother who has a crazy bitch-ass of a step-mother holding him captive, making it crystal clear that she does not want him communicating with me. But seventeen years, beats two years. I raised him, not his father, not his real mother, not his step-mother, it was Nana and I.. And I was the one taking care of the family, went Nana couldn’t anymore, or at least I tried.” “No one can say I didn’t do anything for anyone, while my sister was having fun getting knocked up on pills she could get in her body, I was making money, the same with Alex to support the family of not going hungry.. While balancing helping around the house, helping my brother with his homework, and getting caught up with mine always the hour before school started. She couldn’t keep a fucking job either, and when she got money, it went to things that were only for her, like drugs, booze, make-up, unnecessary things that we could not lived on.. And if my aunt said she cared and she loved me, then why the hell did she not check up on us? Did she think a 21 year old could take care of a family of five? This is the stuff the hit me so hard. It burns, and I’ve been made into the ashes of the pain and suffering that has been. This world is just a crazy fire, and I am a log being thrown in to it.”

“She’s in love with the concept, as if we’re all just how she imagined. How we talked shit like we knew what we wanted, I still remember what she said.“I don’t need your love anymore.” It’s easier if she thinks she won so I’m going to let her think all she wants. Look at us burning down in flames for kicks but just know, I’m not saying this for your love, I’m just saying this because it’s over. And I used to blame myself, then I blamed everybody else, but never you because you were just a messed up kid, who’d step in it, get mad, and say you didn’t give a shit about anyone besides you. But I won’t change for you anymore, I’m ash. And I’m proud of myself. From where I came from, to where I stand now. It’s probably the most improvement that has ever even occurred in my life. Now can I say that I’m happy? Not at this point just yet, I’m still fighting my “demons” after all. Most try to end up physically in my life, but my emotions are always on high alert. Never calm with the feeling of you ever trying to control me again, which makes me sick to my stomach. ” “I’ve been thinking about talking to you after the five years are up, this is for you to understand, that my existence even grazing your bubble occurs on your actions and how you decide to treat me in a few words. Treat me the way you want to be treated, and if you treat me like shit, that I’ll throw it back into your face like acid. Can’t say I didn’t try, and to be honest I know til this day, you haven’t changed. But I have, because I didn’t want hatefulness to control who I want to become later on in my life. I was tired of the gossip, so I dropped everyone who still talked about you, because you want to know something? I still love you, even if you fucked me up.. I think you fucked me up, I don’t know, sometimes I believe I could of done something, somewhere to make you stop all of the pain you have cause onto me. But sometimes you got to let go of some beliefs. Because I understand, you’re the type of person that cries wolf, and when someone tries to even help you out of the teeth gripping onto you’re limp body, that you’d swat away the hands of caring. Not even the most loving, supporting, caring, person in the world can even remotely take care of someone like that. Toxic, the only word I can use to describe you so clearly.”

“If you ever think about on a point in time where I ever hurt you, it doesn’t exist, because you made me out of that image to always support you.. And I was tired of being you’re security blanket, you learn when you could find other people to be fed out of you’re hands that you didn’t need me anymore. That in you’re eyes it was me who was never perfect to you. When in reality, you were the one who had so many insecurities that you didn’t want to claim you had. You didn’t want to be the damaged and the damned, it feels hopeless doesn’t it? That’s how you made me feel all those years, without you even batting an eye about my problems. Because in the end, it’s always about you. Never about the people you tend to surround yourself with, and honestly I think you would care less about them. You just don’t want to be alone, but you already are. ” “Those people, aren’t you’re family. You say that they are, but family doesn’t hurt you. They don’t make you feel unwanted and alone. They make sure you’re okay, and if you’re not, they say “it’s okay, we’ll work this out, and we’ll find away to make it okay.” That’s why I didn’t go to my real family, because I knew they would never do that for me. They would never care as much to look at me the same, and just blame me for everything that happened to me. As if I didn’t do that to myself already, for every second in this life.. But not anymore, people like Alex, DeAndre and Jennifer, know who is really at fault.. It was never me, but you. “ “Some part of me wants to know, if you ever understood your actions and were willing to take any of the consequences, and all this time acting dumb to it all? or were you just so mentally inefficient, or in a simpler way of putting it “to many screws lose,” that you didn’t really believe what you were doing to me was ever in the wrong? Because when I bring it up to a “normal” person, the same thing comes up of how you’re beliefs are invalided, or even cryptic. And they are disgusted of the fact that you still classify as an innocent person. When I was used by such a appalling person who dare called herself a “perfect older sister.” I still have flashbacks, now knowing everything was a lie and that you only wanted me to get your frustration out. Such a tedious tactic, or even better, such a cliche tactic.” “You, even, forced me to smoke weed and get wasted with you! I never wanted to do any of the things that you thought I wanted to do, because I wasn't who you thought I was. You painted this picture of the perfect sister, and I struggled to fit my odd shaped puzzle piece into it, but I never could. Every time that I failed to do what you wanted me to do, you would yell at me and I would yell back, then you would shove me, push me into things, slap me, or threaten to sit on me. It doesn’t matter if you say that I wanted to smoke with you, it still against you! I was a minor, a kid, and you were supposed to be there for me, and not there to hurt me even farther. Because you cannot face the truth, that you are not defective, the world is. The only defect that you have, is that you don't know what love is, and I fear that you never will. You push away everyone that does love you, and manipulate those who are close to you. They should get their priorities straight, of what devil lives under their covers.” “I can say now, that I’m in someway or shape of form of a so called survivor, of so many list of things.. I was finally diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I’ve apparently had it since a very young age. I’ve also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, anorexia, and panic attacks. I don’t know if you understand what this means, but sometimes I can’t sleep at night, I’m scared too. I can’t be around people often, or I’ll have an overload of thoughts that will come to mind that have actually successfully made me blackout or faint. I actually hate having these problems, I can’t even cuddle my boyfriend because sometimes he touches me to hold me in a better position and I will have flashbacks and I’ll choke back tears.. He can’t even kiss me often because it scares me.. I’m terrified of life because of what you and mom have done to me..” “Petrified of women authority figures, or who are mothers, or even mothers to me. I don’t want to be female because women are never good in my eyes because you showed me what their actually capable of. It’s not a phase I promise, and you calling me by my prefer pronouns made me disgusted, because you’re the one who said you would disown me if I ever changed my name or my gender. Being a kiss ass, doesn’t, make, me, like, people. It’s just makes you look ignorant, and cheap with words. I was taught, that people’s options and opinions are valid in the real world, so why try so hard to bite you’re tongue. Don’t even want to call me a faggot or a disappointment to the family like everyone else did? They didn’t even know I identify as a male. They just go off the fact that I’m a liar and that I can never be trusted. Because I lied about the abused that went on in that house, you think they believe me if I said you molested me as a minor for three years? Of course not, because I was always the outcast in our family, I was the weird shy mutt. The one who was putting a dint in the financials of my mother’s pocket because I was “ill”, which I found out that I have a upj kidney obstruction, not kidney failure, mom lied to you all to get more pills about of the doctors.

- ａｓｈｔｏｎ ♡

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