#and the phone wasn't one mute 💀 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mickgaydolenz · 2 years

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the 'alice in wonderland murders old lady' dream wasn't the dream I had last night it was before I started sending you my dreams, this was the dream I had last night.

I was in a playground at night that also double as a skatepark so there were skaters as well as kids, now I myself am no skater, I only longboard (as you know from the incident) but I look over the fact and talk with my peers, and eventually this one girl who was significantly younger than the rest of us gets a hold of my phone and adds everyone's number to it, but changed the names to emojis. like instead of it being Jason it was 🤪🤯😵‍💫🦄 and instead of her name and a dozen other ones it was flower ones, and I kept asking her who was who, but she'd just run away laughing, and eventually I ended up yelling at her like I was her mother and angry, telling her this was rude and not funny, and in the moment of me yelling at her I knew I just lost all of these potential friends, and then I was in a cafe WITH GIRL MICKY YOU. AGAIN. dude, you're just stuck in my psyche lately. but I didn't know you, we weren't friends kinda just strangers or like we were on an awkward first date, and I was thinking about asking you if you listened to the Monkees, but before I did you said "do you listen to the Monkees?" and I was in a Halloween mask so my voice was very muted and I went "oh my god I was just about to ask you that!!" then we started talking about the monkees, then I was alone in some apartment and watching the news, apparently we were being invaded by lines, then next thing I knew I was the last person on earth or something and each night one of the lamposts would die and leave me in darkness till I found another one, because I was looking for hidden alien weapons to kill the aliens with, and they hid in the darkness, and more and more kept going out while I was running to find another one to be in, then I saw two cars drive by, fast, and I ran to them so fast I nearly fell, I was screaming for them to wait and stuff but they didn't stop and I slowed down under a lampost then the light in it went out and I heard one of the aliens do a weird clicky growl and woke up :/

raya i am so honoured to be a reoccurring presence in your dreams, and most especially in the guise of girl micky 💖✌️😔. also us both talking about the monkees/wanting to talk about the monkees is so real. the scary apocalyptic horror end of your dream is terrifying though, would not want to be trapped in darkness with aliens, no thank you 💀

#ooooooooof that’s no good. also the first part of your dream was so normie but also so sad 😂#raya’s dreams :)#rhubarb asks

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jennifercheckwannabe · 1 year

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So this is something I wrote a bit back but it's still pretty accurate. Anyways what triggered me to write this was knowing perhaps if i express what im still going through hopefully someone else wont fall for my ex and make that mistake🤣💀 bc trust me the bitch makes dahmer seem sane:

I sit here thinking I finally have you out of my system, not being under your control anymore

But as I sit I check the blank screen waiting for something more, the unanswered messages I get too overwhelmed to read start to pile up and I notice myself suddenly knee deep in a landslide of how your presence still bears its mark on me.

How I cannot follow a conversation without losing complete train of thought halfway through, the level of anxiety I get when facing a window seat at a restaurant because it reminds me of you, how i all.but avoid every phone call now because all i can see are the nights where you were my only solace... How instead of overflowing with wanting to share and be loved and heard I find myself getting quieter at every impulse to reach out.

Muting myself as if it can take away the soul crushing void I feel inside, feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin at the thought of letting another person touch me because what if they hurt me as you have, in such a deep irreparable way.

Despite needing to scream and burn and make every pain I've gone through because of you ten times worse, I stay silent because inherently I am too much. That is the message I was given, that every thing that used to be wonderful about me was suddenly a nuisance, suddenly I was a burden when you had promised you would always love and want me. The hollow promises that you made still ring in my ears, I've tried to move through my pain and come out on the plus side but all I can see is how I'm going to be hurt again. How deep down no one stays with me because they want me, but instead bc they need what I give them. Unconditional love and acceptance and understanding, letting my hollowed out self give endlessly to others while I slowly die more inside every day.

You haunt me in every damn aspect of my life, there are so many triggers and people I now avoid just because they have some similarity to you, how I have almost entirely lost my life because of you. And that is still a thin line I'm constantly walking, edging between knowing I have to stay for others, and my soul screaming for a quiet release, to finally cease all this pain and horror that my mind replays.

All of the things you ruined for me, even my own body repulses me again in such a deep way that I had finally thought wasn't going to haunt me forever.

All I see in others now is the red flags that I'm going to be hurt again, and so I pull into myself more. As if I tried hard enough I could become invisible, and fade from the scenery of life and finally find a cease to my pain.

There is a rage inside of my that boils so deeply it scares me, so strongly that I know I could do unimaginable things if pushed much farther. So instead of letting it be I try to tame it and mask it into something beautiful instead of yet another thing poisoning me.

My soul is tainted from the murdered love that I had, drowned in the deepest way that makes me know I will not fully trust how I trusted you ever again. How can a human inflict such a heartless death upon one they supposedly loved will never make sense to me.

There is a void inside of me, filled with emptiness and all of the shards of my broken love. Unending and all consuming, I fight it daily and now the battle is being won, but there are no Victor's to this battle, only death awaits it is simply a matter of who can last the longest, fighting tooth and nail for a life that I no longer have the will to fight for. Knowing I'll only be happy once there is nothing left but charred bones of the foundation our love could have made. Despite knowing you deserve a horrible place in hell for what you've done, that broken part of me still screams that I had just wanted us, to be together and to be happy. But what really killed me in the end was my love that you never knew how to hold, so instead you threw me away like every replaceable person in your meaningless life. I don't have the words for the level of evil you are, the pain you spread leeches into everything like poisoned runwater, and I am only surviving trying to stay clean from you.

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