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#and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without-
toastsnaffler
·
2 months
Text
ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps
#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL
#also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried
#but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all
#and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time
#not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting
#and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things
#and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without-
#direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate
#part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run-
#out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything
#not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww
#i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with
#and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not)
#and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and
#how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone
#but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man
#and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they
#were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan.
#i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt
#i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them
#like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured
#ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully
#sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour
#and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter
#ougrhrhhhhgougrh.
#.diaries
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