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lizzz-xo · 7 years

Text

Rape.

I’m not telling this story for pity. or to make anyone look at me differently. God knows how much I dislike people pitying me and attention... But i’m telling this story for me... so if you read it, please don’t act any different.

Three weeks after me and my ex boyfriend broke up, he somehow found his way back to me. I guess the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.

“I want us back.” He said.

You already left so don’t you dare come back. I was an emotional wreck after i received this call.. .So I called the only other male I could count on besides my father and my brothers.. He was always there to listen to me vent about my relationship with my ex. I trusted him.. When I called him he was at work. He told me he would call me later. We worked in the same facility except he was a lifeguard, and I was a barista inside the cafe. He would come to my job for coffee and breakfast and I would always give him my discount, because I had his back like that...

.. I thought he had mine too..

It was 9:55 when my phone rang. It was him. He told me he had just gotten off of work and he was by my house, if i wanted to meet up and talk.. It was 5 minutes to my curfew. Theres no way I could go out this late. He told me we could only talk for 5 minutes. Hesitating, but i left anyway. it was summer who cares.

If i knew what would’ve happened that night, I would’ve stayed home...

Once i got into his car, I suddenly did not want to talk about anything anymore. the vibe was off. Something had been weird....“I thought you wanted to talk?” He said.

Nevermind, I don’t feel like it anymore. I need alcohol I said jokingly.. He goes into his trunk and takes out a bottle of fireball. We started passing the bottle back and forth. He speeds off and goes to dunkin donuts. He gets a black coffee. How he always drinks it..

When he got back in the car, I was already tipsy.. He asked if i wanted to go somewhere and let him play with my pussy. He always flirted but i never took anything serious. He was much older and engaged, I laughed nervously and said haha yeah whatever, The next thing I know hes driving past my house. Taking me to this dark side street cars don’t really pass on. I looked over and he had already started touching himself... His fiance called him a couple times but he let the phone ring.

Could this really be happening? it felt like a movie scene.

I asked him to stop. He ignored me, continued going. and next thing I know he was using his free hand to touch me. I tried pushing it away a couple times. But he kept going..

“Lets just get in the backseat.” No. I’m not having sex. He begged and pleaded, until he realized I wasnt budging. He decided to just deal with it. instead he reaches over my body and begins to press the button to lower the passenger seat.

He climbs on top of me. and begins kissing me. no no no no this is wrong, this is wrong. you’re engaged. I said so many times. But my words meant nothing.

I can’t just put it in your too tight, he impatiently looks for a condom.. and doesn’t find one. Come on lets just do it.

no. im not having sex.

okay then lets just do it through your pants.. before I can do anything, he begins thrusting into me with my pants still on..

no no no this has gone too far now. this is too much. too soon. too fast. too wrong.

But I couldn't move, I couldn't run, where would I go? Who could I call? It was like i froze.

No. I said as sternly as I could. stop. I don’t want to do this. Take me home.

he gets off of me in defeat. “are you sure?”

Yes, take me home.

I got out the car and when i went home, I was stunned. Walking in like a zombie, like what the fuck just happened to me Like everything felt different.Like I was not the same person I left as. I went straight to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a text to him. “ sorry for attacking you last night, I’ll explain later. Coffee was good ;)” He tells me that. “ my fiance and I got into an argument last night I had feelings for you and I just couldn't help myself.Nothing was holding me back anymore.

“Its ok.”

But it wasnt. I tried telling my close friends what happened but couldn't muster up the courage to say the whole story. “He took advantage of you” These words repeated in my head over and over again, and haunted me..

I knew it but I refused to believe it. It wasnt his fault I said, I was flirting too.

“You were raped.”

Raped? Rape?! me? raped? Rape was something I never thought I could've happened to me Rape was something I heard about in movies, in TV shows. Other girls, but not me. But because of him... It was me. It was part of my identity. And that night changed my life forever.

Being in a car with another male was the scariest thing for me now. What used to be normal. Even if it was my brothers or my dad, what if they decided to attack me? I was attacked by someone who I trusted. Who’s to say it wont happen again? I panicked in cars when guys got too close, I cried whenever guys tried to pull moves on me in a car for a while.. Because it always brought me back to that night.

And i hated black coffee. I used to be able to drink my coffee black with no problem. The smell of black coffee lingered around me that night. The smell on his breath..

,, I wonder how different my life would be now If I would've stayed home that night...

I used to cry every time I told this story. This was the first time I didn’t. If you’re wondering what happened after, Him and I did not stay friends. He told me he would tell her what happened that night, but he never did... I wanted to fuck with his head so I texted him I miss you. Which sent him into an angry rage and got him in trouble with his fiance. After getting him back, we stopped talking. Sometimes I think about telling her, sending her a message on Facebook. But I don’t have the courage to ruin her life. She has this fantasy about the man she is in love with, and I would hate to be the person to tell her the truth...

They got married. He has a child on the way.

It’s a girl.

I pray that babygirl never goes through what I went through with her father. That bastard doesn’t deserve to be happy. but he is.

and i’m here. still broken, and trying to smile.

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