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#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen
steampoweredskeleton
ยท
14 days
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#in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown
#i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it
#im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly
#to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or
#spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be
#ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right
#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen
#too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the
#person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this
#at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my
#meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things
#i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas.
#meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry
#and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain.
#i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay
#i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired
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