#and yet they were prefectly happy to brag about all the shit I COULD do right

[hazel2468]

Just a completely random thought but like...

I am truly starting to believe, at least for people my age (so late 20s- early 30s range), our parents didn't actually want children. Not in the way that matters.

They didn't want unique, individual, whole other people to raise into adults. They didn't want to do the amazingly hard work of being a parent- in that being a parent entails making sure your children can go out into the world and be their own people and make their own way, and it is your job as the person raising them to prepare them for that as best you can.

They wanted "children". As in dolls. As in "look at this thing I made let's talk about how great I am for making it". As in "let me brag about all of my child's accomplishments, those are all on me, but if they fail that is on them". As in "my child matters in what they can give me, not in who they are as a person of inherent value". As in "this was expected of me and I did it and now I am going to raise this human being the same way my parents raised me".

As in "why doesn't my fully grown adult child talk to me anymore? They're so entitled! They're so whiny! They DARE tell me I didn't do a good job parenting them! They DARE tell me I hurt them! They DARE express that they have feelings and thoughts and wants and a life outside of what I imagined for them in my head, outside of what will look good on me! How dare they not be a little thing I can hang on my fridge with a magnet and point to and say look my baby loves me. Look I am a good parent- that means I am a good person. Look I became a parent and that means I am GOOD. How DARE they undermine my entire identity as a Good Parent by telling me that I messed up?"

#this got really specific I know #im just having Thoughts this morning #prrobably spurred on by the fact that I am like #making a lot of changes related to my disabilities and conditions #and thinking about how even the fact that like #we all but KNEW I had something going on #didn't stop my parents from acting like I was messing up #and yet they were prefectly happy to brag about all the shit I COULD do right #but whenever I did something wrong it had NOTHING to do with them #and EVERYTHING to do with me #and I'm just having an emotion about that #and about how shitty parents can really be in generral #i know exactly ONE person #who has a solid relationship with his parent