#and I'm still gonna figure out how tf to actually maintain a queue for the sake of my sanity

[kamotoshi]

so here we are on day 2 of what I thought was gonna be a week long break bc I had an epiphany that I suddenly felt the desire to share! so if you wanna read maybe like settle in bc I kinda wrote a lot (but is that new? no)

my brain! she doesn’t understand how to like... take something she likes and just enjoy it. everything always has to be a project or a task to be finished or a goal to reach. I’ve never been like hey my name’s fran and I like writing fanfiction! it’s always been hey my name’s fran and I like writing fanfiction so I'm gonna force myself to constantly come up with fic ideas and push out content bc I must be a workhorse and I don’t understand that not everything has to be methodical and meticulously planned and perfect!

I literally took writing (something I enjoy) and turned it into work (something I very much do not enjoy) all bc of this restless brain of mine and my extremely present anxiety that almost requires that I do something to prevent a crisis like every second of the damn day. I'm v tired of agonizing over both what I am doing and what I'm not doing. it’s exhausting when you’re already waiting for the time when you can go back to bed again the instant you get up lol

so I’m just gonna change my perspective here! I'm gonna try to stop guilting myself for every wip that sits without any additional progress being made, and for each one I knock off the list bc I'm just not that into it anymore. I'm gonna try to stop telling myself I HAVE to make content in order to make y’all happy. I'm gonna try to silence the little negative voice that always pops into my head each time I read or see something great that says “damn what happened with you, huh?” I'm gonna stop trying to measure my success by how many followers I have or how much work I do bc this is literally FOR FUN and it’s something I do IN MY FREE TIME bc it’s meant to be ENJOYABLE. 

and! I'm gonna stop takin this blog so damn seriously! like shit! if I'm here, I'm here and I'm chattin/writin, and if I'm not, I'm not! who tf do I think I am like damn!!! we’re all just out here! doing our own things! goin for it! doin that! it’s all good! (like we really owe each other nothing in the grand scheme of it all if we're bein 100% honest here)

anyway I went thru a similar revelation with the whole notes crisis (in which notes became another success metric for me) but now I dont give a rat’s ass which is saying A LOT (bc I'm secretly an attention whore. maybe not as secretly as I think tho). I write my fics and I send em out into the cyberspace to be free bc as long as I enjoyed it then we’re good! and the whole reason I'm here in the first place is to share things in the hopes that maybe someone else likes it too! whatever happens happens! bc I sure as hell know I'll go back and gas myself up on somethin that only got like five notes!!

the productivity loop that I am stuck in (as well as many other members of society) is seriously powerful. and I know it’s gonna take a LOT of effort on my part to wrestle the controllers to my life away from bully! fran who’s stubborn and angry like the lil bull she is, but! I have hope bc I'm at least willing to try.

so, after I've just said I aint gotta explain shit to nobody, here I am explaining my shit to y’all *head in hands* BUT I'm writing this bc I felt like it, bc I'm ready to hold myself accountable, and just to put things into perspective for a sec. if you read this far I'll say “damn you must kinda like me huh 🥺” at the risk of sounding like the dude who says “in the shower? without me?”

with that being said, I'll be around when I'm around! come to my inbox whenever you want, I keep extra pillows and blankets and s'mores-building kits in there for whenever y’all wanna camp. I'm hoping my blog can continue to be a positive space for everyone to sit back and watch me clown myself unapologetically 😌 thank you for comin to my ted talk

#fran's ramblin #click the read more for a rant lmfao #I really popped off #but to be fair there's been a lot on my mind that I really wanted to just get off my chest #like I literally feel so much better now that ive written this #idc who reads it I'm just happy it was said #and that my brain has now registered the fact that we are going to switch to a more positive mindset #*or try to at least #anyway daily reminder I love yall #and I'm still gonna figure out how tf to actually maintain a queue for the sake of my sanity #tw anxiety