#anyway I’m glad we got some clarity as to why Mikey was out at night at Shinichiro’s bike shop when he got killed like how convenient but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mikeyd1986 · 7 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 64, August 2017

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (p. 39)

On Monday morning, I went to my Healthy Cooking on a Budget class at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. There were a few people away today which wasn’t surprising considering how wet it was outside and so I ended up working by myself. However, it didn’t bother me too much so I was able to maintain my focus on the task and not get caught up in my usual worries. In fact, I was trying to fully embrace my shyness today because it wasn’t bothering anyone else in the kitchen.

Today we ended up making pizza, pizza fritta and a sweet calzone. Making the pizza dough was actually quite enjoyable and very easy to do. Simply combine flour, yeast and sugar with warm water and olive oil until the mixture forms a sticky ball. Then you place it into a bowl covered with glad wrap and leave it in a warm place to rest and rise. Next we all prepared the toppings including capsicums, onions, potatoes, tomatoes, mushrooms and mozzarella cheese. We also made up a pizza sauce by placing brown onions, tomato paste, passata sauce, salt, pepper and basil into a saucepan with water.

Once the pizza dough has risen, you simply spread a layer of tomato sauce and then add whichever toppings you’d like to the pizza base and bake for twenty minutes. The thing I really love about our cooking teacher Jodie is that she’s really hands on, patient, compassionate, forgiving and easy to get along with. She is basically the polar opposite of all those harsh and nasty TV celebrity chefs such as Gordon Ramsey and Marco Pierre White.

If I had to deal with their personalities, I would crumble in seconds. I’m not very receptive to being yelled at and criticised by other people for basically being human. The good thing is that everyone is in the same boat, leaning the absolute basics about cooking so mistakes should be expected. http://www.ballaballa.com.au/progra...

On Monday night, I went to a Bootcamp session with Mandi Herauville at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. It takes a lot to get me motivated on Mondays especially after a busy weekend but I just push through the laziness, get off my ass and do it because I know that it’ll be worth it. This is my second time doing a Bootcamp workout at Mandi’s gym and once again it was really enjoyable. There was a really big turnout too despite the rainy weather outside with roughly 10 other clients

We started the session by playing a couple of games to warm-up. The first one involved playing a variation of chasy where we had to run around and try to untie each other’s shoelaces. The second was about activating the core muscles in a cat-cow like positive whilst the other person was pushing and pulling them. Essentially resistance training whilst not moving much at all.

Next we did 5 rounds of 10 medicine ball squats to overhead throws. This exercise was more about the technique than the weight of the medicine ball we were throwing up, though we did gradually increase the weight after a couple of rounds. It kept me really focused and in control. It kinda reminded me of getting ready to throw a netball into the goal ring.

The workout involved splitting up into teams of 3 and doing three different circuits. The first one included squats, high knee lifts and glute bridge leg lifts. The second one included rolling get ups, tuck jumps, sit ups and a 50m run. And the third one included push ups, mountain climbers, box dips and a 100m run. On paper it seems very overwhelming but when you divide the reps between each of us, it was actually quite manageable.

We ended the session by doing a few yoga stretches on the blue foam mats to cool down after the workout. I met Mandi’s puppy Audrey who is absolutely adorable and had the pleasure of giving her a cuddle before I left. I’ve noticed that whenever I’m in a large group of people, I become even quieter than normal. In the past, this would bother me a lot but tonight I was feeling okay about it. Everyone accepted me regardless of how much I spoke or didn’t speak. It’s reminders like these that I need, to embrace the person that I am. https://www.facebook.com/TheYardStr...

On Tuesday afternoon, I caught up with my friend Mandi Herauville (Long time no see :P) for coffee at Nomadic Berwick. As expected, Mandi was running late but that’s okay because I was enjoying the music and having a browse through the menu. It was my first time visiting Nomadic and I’ve been meaning to come here considering how many times I’ve seen the ad play at Village Cinemas with that iconic boar on the sign.

Everytime I have a one on one conversation with Mandi, my head becomes that much clearer and I’m also about to just relax and let everything go. I can display my authentic self to her (thank you Brene Brown!) because she understands me on a mental and emotional level. Some people will never get what’s going on deep inside of me and that’s just the way it is. I’m a very empathetic person and so I can pick up on other people’s emotions and moods also well as understand what they’re going through.

Mandi is both brutally honest and very compassionate and I need both of these qualities. Sometimes wake up calls are necessary evils but so are general reminders about the positive things that I possess within me. I am too hard on myself, get caught up in my own thoughts and worry too much about shit I can’t control. But these things can always be worked on and I’m slowly moving towards creating more happiness in my life.

Later that afternoon, I drove down to The Hunt Club for a Full Body Chinese Massage at Top 1 Therapy in Cranbourne East. This place is fast becoming one of my favourite massage salons. For $39, they go all out with hot stones, oils and warm towels and do a thorough job of releasing stress and tension from almost every part of my body. It’s also a great opportunity to work on my mindfulness skills, directing my attention to all the external sounds inside and outside of the shop.

Some people love conversing with their massage therapist but I’m not one of them. Thankfully the Asian therapists at Top 1 only ask a few questions and then remain silent during the massage. I’d rather just enjoy it without having to worry about making conversation especially when they don’t really know me and vice vesa. And I’m not saying that to be rude either. I’m incredibly grateful for how skilled and dedicated they are hence why I’ll always give them a high recommendation. http://www.top1therapy.com/

On Thursday night, I attended a Pilates Mat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. So I haven’t done a pilates class for probably a couple of months and tonight, I was very much thrown into the deep end. Our fitness instructor Anita didn’t mess around, she made us work really hard. Most of the poses involved core activation and switching on the various muscle groups and it didn’t take long for me to feel the burn.

We did a mixture of standing and seated poses including Single Leg Raises with Double Pulse, Straight Leg Lowering, Crunches, Double D and Bow & Arrow. As tough as Anita was, she was also quite sarcastic and made sure that everyone’s bodies were aligned in the correct position. We all had a good laugh throughout the class which is always really important. Exercise should always be enjoyable no matter what class it is. https://www.fitnessfirst.com.au/fin...

On Friday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It’s been a fairly rough couple of weeks for me, particularly last Friday when I was on the verge of making a really foolish decision...leaving Luke as my personal trainer. But self-reflection and hindsight are both wonderful things. Looking back, I was clouded by my fears and insecurities with Luke being a mirror (I don’t belong here at UFT. He thinks I’m boring. I’m not good enough. Have I done something wrong? I can’t handle this awkward silence).

Airing how I was feeling inside via social media whilst crying in the car clearly wasn’t a wise decision. Many of the things I wrote last week were so irrational anyway. I had no clarity at all and I basically pushed myself to a cliff edge, about to make what I thought was “the right decision”. But in actuality, I was running away from the problem like I always do. It wasn’t so much being able to connect and click with Luke as my PT but rather how I felt about myself.

Thankfully, this week I was able to re-group mentally and prepare to give both myself and Luke another shot at this. Change starts from within and I really needed to make some pro-active choices to make this work. Things such as waking up half an hour earlier and leaving for my training session 15 minutes earlier so that I wouldn’t have to stress out over the morning peak hour traffic on Clyde Road.

I also decided to look into some helpful tips and advice on how to improve my conversational skills and feel more confident in social situations. I flooded my mini-journal with some of these points so I could refer back to them during my training session. I was determined to make more of an effort with Luke, not just with the training but building a rappore with him. Asking questions about his life, making eye contact, engaging, being present...all of these things really helped.

I didn’t do all this as a social experiment either but rather to practice, develop and improve my social skills which have clearly been lacking in the past couple of weeks. But also because I genuinely do care about Luke. I want him to be successful as a PT, coach and an athlete. I felt like that effort was reciprocated back to me as he asked many questions about my life. Now I feel like we’re in a better place, that he does care about me and wants the best for me. It’s just that my mental illness and emotions got in the way. But now I’m seriously working on it. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

WARM-UP...Today I started by doing some scorpion stretches on the mat by bending each leg over the opposite side of my body before doing some back stretches using a foam roller and the bar overhead. It was actually had making conversation during this as the discomfort was pretty intense and I really had to breathe into it. Finally I did 3 rounds of 12 kettle bell dead lifts.

DEVELOPMENT...I saw today’s deadlifts as a chance to redeem myself. I walked in with a positive mindset and a fierce “I can do this” attitude. I did 4 rounds of 1 rep at 100kg plus a final rep at 105kg which is a personal best for me. I felt really good about my form and technique despite some apparent leg wobbling during the lift. But otherwise, I smashed it today and felt really good about my performance.

Later that day, Mum and I decided to start looking to adopt a cat at the Australian Animal Protection Society in Keysborough. Of course, seeing as there were many cats to choose from, this was going to be really difficult to make a decision. However, I did have a few preferences in mind...female, young, low maintenance, indoor/outdoor and placid. Having an immediate bond with the cat was also very important.

In the end, I narrowed down my selections to two cats named Lotus and Pepper. I was able to hold and pat each of the cats to see if there was any connection there. So far I’m leaning towards Lotus who has a black and white coat, is female and 2 years old. She practically leaped up to the front of the caged door when I walked past and really enjoyed my company so I saw this as a really good sign. http://www.aaps.org.au/Adoptions/lo...

“Don't leave me here with all these critical voices. Cause they do their best to bring me down. When I'm alone with all these negative voices. I will need your help to turn them down.” Alanis Morissette - Spiral (2012)

“Thank you for seeing me. I feel so less lonely. Thank you for guiding me. I hear your bide, you empathy. Ha-a this intimacy ha, ah, ah, ah. There were some days when the trusting was the last of me. You’re quiet too much, you see too less. Except you’re generous, see? To love myself enough, to let you help me.” Alanis Morissette - Empathy (2012)

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