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frogsandfries · 7 years

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Thinking out loud

Thought I saw the ex's truck as I was going to the bathroom. I know it's in my head, but sometimes I get this weird feeling that they check in on me. Not that they know exactly what to look for, let alone where. It's not like I spell out where I am. I don't think I've even discussed the make and model, or color, of my van. Mostly just the inside.

I mean, they are the one who needed to figure stuff out or whatever. They're the one who "needed space".....or whatever. So I guess I like to imagine that I'm still part of their habits or whatever. Probably not. That bitch probably went and rented a really nice apartment after they threw my life out of orbit. Or maybe I give them too much credit and they still live in the dungeon. Whatever.

Anyway. I don't have to worry about where they're living. I have my own dwelling to take care of. For example, this morning when I got up to start the van and get stuff moving, the battery was dead. Again*. My neighbors this weekend offered me a jump, which I might have been rude in turning down but that wasn't my intent. When my dad came through, he noticed the battery is apparently from 2004.......... which doesn't seem right?? But even if it's from 2014, it probably still hasn't been taken the best care of. I mean, how many times have I complained about how filthy this beast is inside? Plus the disused mouse nests that suggest to me no less than a season, but possibly three, where a mouse thought this was a good dwelling.

*So the first time, we both blamed the lift. The second time, my dad accused me of leaving something arbitrary on, the blower in the on setting. Basically, if I don't turn the van on every single day, the battery is so old, it will just die. That's nice.

It is indeed a good thing that I'm tearing the insides out. Then I can be confident that the interior is all new and I can prevent future rodent issues. I can also seal up any rust.

You know what I hate?

It's been like two months--two whole months at this point--since I've done much of any studio work. But at the rate I'm going, I may not have a desk till spring. Of course, I really should focus on the van. But it sucks. I feel like the next time I pick up some modeling material, what comes out will be awful. That's silly. I know sculpting is as natural for me as breathing, intuitive and instinctive.

The first assignment I took with my dad was a total joke--so yeah, we went and got a different assignment. But the first check we get from this assignment is only going to be two days and a couple hours from the previous assignment. But I'm holding onto that check for this thing we're doing for younger sister for a joint birthday celebration. Next week is going to be rough. As it is, I went to Wal-Mart Friday and blasted my check--heater, a couple small tanks of propane to run the thing and get some heat going in here. I probably didn't <i>need </i> the water carbonator, but I was going to purchase it anyway, and I saved money on the heater over what I thought I was going to be spending. I also bought some food. I think I'm getting my stores built back up, but does it count if I'm still not really eating? I was planning on walking out and getting Starbucks and a toy from Target, but I'll get those eventually. I suggested getting it with my sister as a fun, silly activity to work on together.

I really should focus on this project right here, which kind of makes my wishes for a studio space silly. I have this huge project that needs so much attention anyway, sculpting would just be a distraction.

I wanted tear off the paneling from the back doors yet this weekend. I think I need to give up trying to get the curtains to work perfectly till I have the window frames. My dad doesn't want to do the pop-up ceiling which I don't fucking care because it's my van, I want the ceiling. We can do the full high top come spring or whatever, but I want this right now. It's funny how he's all about short term solutions unless it's one that I want. Fuck that shit. Literally all this project involves is him grinding a hole in my ceiling about three or four feet wide and like five feet long. "It's gonna be cold." Sorrynotsorry didn't ask for your opinion. It's only going to be cold if I'm stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm going to use reflectix and rigid insulation. Then I can hold on doing the high top till it's all ready to install. That way, there's no rush.

This brings up an issue though. Apart from having too much trouble doing anything having to work on my knees or hunched over, I'm just getting all tangled up. There's so much that I need to do and I have more time than money right now, although, this new assignment is brain-dead for good money. Like, seriously at least till I know what I'm doing (which could take about two months), I'm expected to focus on quality over quality. And so far, the tasks are stupid simple, press a button, put this piece on this one. It just sucks I can't drive my damn self, so I live in third shift haze again. But if I'd known this place was here and this was what goes on there, I might've gone sooner. So great money for a brain-dead, zombie job. I'm not complaining.....except that you can't get OT for the first several weeks. I could use some extra money to jumpstart all this van stuff. I plan to make up for it though. I was thinking about taking at least one day every other weekend. It'll suck, but doing two days on time and half is like working a whole day that doesn't exist on the calendar. Twice a month gives me two whole extra days worth of money; that could be a ton of extra money over several months. It could quickly make up for this shitty year. But even one day every other weekend is money I wouldn't have otherwise.

I need the pop-up ceiling. That has moved to the top of my priority list. I was going to try to use it as a stepping stone to the high top, but now it's more its own project. I think it's a good temporary solution, plus, after building the high top, it'll be a great way to get more light in during the day without interfering with solar, and without cooking myself during summer or exposing myself/my space. I don't know why my dad is balking. It's not like he's doing more than cutting the hole. The rest is totally in my hands. Plus, it'll make the ceiling lighter when it's time to work on the high top. Or not. Either way. Mostly it's a fairly easy project that gives me more space, and it's a project I can do when the cutting is done.

The more I confer with my dad on this project, the more he irritates me. He has his own ideas and doesn't really seem to appreciate that I have my own ideas and plans. He seems to think I should divert my plans for his, which are obviously superior because he's older than me. I might surprise him.... if he lets me.... I have my own vision for the space I will be living in. I'm resisting his ideas when they clash with mine and I don't think he likes it. Then he comes back and resists my ideas.

I need height to work, to care for my space the way I like. I need height so I can use the space better. So this pop-up ceiling has moved up my list of priorities. But since it'll be a couple weeks before I'll have the money for materials, let alone be ready for my dad to cut the ceiling, I might as well wreak havoc and destruction on everything I'm getting rid of anyway. I got a little stymied with this ceiling panel being held by a huge bolt/screw thing and not being able to casually saw it down with a utility knife. So I think I'm going to reserve the utility knife for the carpet, which I will not miss, and my dad is going to lend me a crowbar to bust off the ceiling panel, if not the hardware holding it in place.

It's hard to resist the urge to purchase materials for temporary fixes--for example, I could build a little table over my drawers and have a place to put my water jug and other bits and bobs off the floor. But I guess I have to rationally consider what kind of structure I want to use for the kitchen before I build something temporary. It would be useful to get the stray stuff off the floor.....and it would be useful to make use of the dead space the open top of the drawer creates. Perhaps I can work toward that permanent kitchen in my spare time and come up with a workable surface that has a decent bit of permanency.

When I get the back door paneling torn off and the back end carpeting pulled up, I'm going to have my dad take this bench out once and for all. I can pull stuff out without having to buy stuff. I already bought what I need to start working on the floor. I even have some sanding sponges to take care of the rough edges on the underlayment.

I'm still trying to move through the van back to front and top to bottom, to get things in a liveable state until everything is ready to reach a polished state. I'm trying not to let the lack of resources make me feel backed into a corner. At the same time, I'm not going to make it six or twelve months on fast food and snacks. I'm also not too keen on having to rely on my parents to get a shower or hot meal or refrigerate any perishables I want.

I don't know how long I'm going to have to juggle getting the vehicle elements of the van repaired with getting the living elements put together. I don't really know for certain how long I'm going to have to struggle with my basics needs versus my desire to keep everything moving in an orderly fashion. I do know I'm still fighting to keep an assignment. I do try to go into each assignment with an open mind. I try not to bother with any drama, just focus on doing what I'm paid to do. Eventually I'll find an assignment that has little bullshit that bothers me and I'll stick around. Once I've hired on somewhere, the money will be more certain. I'm not going to wait around for steady cash flow; that's not my style. I have to do what needs to be done with what I have--like buying a heater now that it's cold out. Eventually I'll have the pop-up ceiling and I'll be able to move my attention to cooking, solar. I'll need to fix my van's brakes and I need to buy a new battery eventually anyway. Might as well get two, one for the van itself, and one for all the stuff I'm doing inside the van. Hook the second battery up for solar, eventually get a series of batteries to store solar power. I think I will build that cabinet for the kitchen space, using my drawers as a template.

I know the space is still very much under construction, so I can't get too carried away with any sort of furniture quite yet, but that's no reason to use the space poorly. I mostly want somewhere to put the giant jug of water and my dishes. I still haven't figured out how I want to use the kitchen space--water, fridge, dishes, food obviously. When I find my basin, I can also keep my dishes clean; maybe I'll turn to pull off something with the water jug pump. I think getting this bench out though, that'll be a huge step in the right direction. It'll free up all that literal floor space, but also give me access to everything the bench blocks. Maybe that will be the biggest obstacle to clear on my mission. Maybe after getting this bench out, everything will go faster and easier. I'll at least have space for my laundry as well as the kitchen structure. I can put the floor in the rear half of the back end together right away, and then I can use the space to hold everything on the upper half of the floor and get that done. I can put the stuff back in the front while I do the rest of the stuff in the back end and hopefully start to put stuff away.

I don't believe I'll be building the kitchen before I do the pop-up, but if that's how things work out, I'll need to remember to make my kitchen workspace a reasonable height for standing at when I cook. But I really think I'm doing the ceiling when I get this four-day paycheck, weather seal, reflectix, canvas, vinyl, rigid foam insulation, latches.

This Friday is going to be awesome with two days' pay and going to visit my sister. Yup. In the morning, I should really buckle down on working toward getting this damn bench out. Maybe a side effect of getting the bench out will be getting the lift tower out. The platform of the lift is gone, which is awesome, but it'll be perfection to get the tower out--along with the bench and the rest of the original stuff.

I've temporarily given up getting the windows covered perfectly. It simply isn't going to happen with Velcro. I need to accept what I've accomplished and get a move on with the rest of my priorities. I only get two nights off most weeks, so it's not like I'm going to need much privacy at night, and the curtains keep it dim enough in here for sleeping. I'm going to need another four yards or so of the outdoor fabric I bought for the curtains. I'm thinking an extra six to ten inches in length per window, and I'll just have to accept ugly bunching. Then I can add loops for the curtain rods. That won't take much material, since the curtains actually may be long enough to fold the excess length to make at least one of the loops. I think I want to try adding a layer of reflectix between the layer of curtain that I want to be all nosy passersby to see, and the layer I get to see. I think Velcro will be good for these, and I might make a few sets, maybe mix and match.

Hmmm...... here's a thought: My heater sits right where I want to hang my privacy curtain. Maybe removing the bench will help me find a new home for the heater. Right now, the heater rests on a little grill. Like the kind of grill that cooks food. It was my dad's improvisation. Not a permanent solution by any means. I really want to make or find a cage for it. It's too close for my tastes to being an open flame in an enclosed space, and I know I'm notable for being clumsy the harder I try to be careful--and worse, I'm prone to being absentminded and literally throwing stuff. I am not certain what to do with this heater right now, so immediately, it can stay where it is. It's of little concern or vexation to me when it's off..... More distantly, I want to start keeping the propane tanks outside. There's little concern of the propane freezing to unusability. So maybe that will influence where the heater makes its permanent home.

Ugh........I hate third shift. I know I only worked two days last week, and it's been a while, and it's not for everyone.....I'm just going to stop fighting, give in and get some sleep. I'll probably take a nap tomorrow afternoon before work, be certain to pack a couple energy drinks. Maybe things will get easier this week. At least the job doesn't require much attention to detail.

I need to get a move on with this van. Insulation will help hold the heat and mean using the propane heater for shorter blocks of time to get things warm.

You know, if I need a project, I've got plenty of pens...

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