#anyway i'm just so sick of being alive fr i've been so massively suicidal this past week and i'm so tired

[elliesbelle]

lol

#humungous trigger warning for the tags in the post #but i just need to vent somewhere and i don't want people irl to be in my business about this #or to get too worried and all... #tw: mentions of death and weapons and mental illness and suicide and sh-ing and abuse etc. #please feel free to ignore like i said i just need somewhere to vent #anyway i'm just so sick of being alive fr i've been so massively suicidal this past week and i'm so tired #having bpd AND bipolar AND depression AND ptsd and etc.... #it really hurts so much #and my personal life is in fucking shambles like i just don't know what to do anymore #i feel so fucking alone all the goddamn time #so many friends don't give a fuck about anymore like they straight up just don't check up on me or anything #and my ex... i just. why can't you be more fucking understanding of what i'm fucking going through because of you #how the fuck did you turn my months-long depressive episode into me not caring about you cause i couldn't open about what i was going thru #i get you were fucking lonely but i was trying not to fucking die i was over here being talked off ledges #and then sending me a voice memo saying that you were lonely and trying to make an effort but i just didn't care about any of it #it's not fucking about you!!!! i didn't even let my own girlfriend or best friend in!!!! that's what fucking mental illness is!!!!!! #you promised that you'd be more understanding about my mental illnesses when we started talking again #what the fuck is this then? #why am i breaking down every time that you ignore me or take forever to text #like... she's gone back to calling me by my name instead of calling me 'baby' like she always has #she hasn't called me by my name since we first started talking it's been literally fucking years #and not saying i love you to me anymore... #and how can you fucking promise to stay in my life and still be my 'friend' and then fucking ignore me and don't answer my text messages #how the fuck am i supposed to feel that you haven't responded to me in over 24 hours but you react to days old ig messages from me #i fucking hate having borderline for fucking real i hate that she's my fp it hurts so fucking much #i feel like a fucking child i can't deal with this #i literally woke up from my sleep at like 3 or 4 am this morning nearly screaming #and then my gf found me on the living room couch crying and cuts all over my arm and a kitchen knife next to me #my left arm has been stinging all day from the fresh wounds #too painful to bandage them at the moment