#anyway sorry for throwing depressing stuff at the dash but I'm in a Mood

[byanyan]

content warning: self harm. no explicit descriptions or anything, but definite discussion of the habit

byan has self harm scars. they're a bit difficult to differentiate from the myriad of other scars scattered across the skin of their arms and legs from things like knife fights, but you can pick them out if you know what you're looking for.

self harming is a coping mechanism they picked up in their preteen years, a time where they were struggling a great deal with a lack of stability in their life, a difficult time in school, less than stellar foster homes (which occasionally ended with them in the street), bullying, and all assortment of challenges in figuring out and expressing their gender identity. they were miserable - depressed, angry, and deep in their self-worth issues. self harming was a way to release all their pent up emotions, a way to do something with them and make them less overwhelming, however briefly. there was also something about the self care that came afterward in treating the injuries that they found... not comforting, exactly, but maybe soothing, in a way.

eventually, as they got older and began to turn their anger more outward than inward, byan would start taking their emotions out on others and slowly dropped the habit for the most part. every now and then the urge to self harm resurfaces, but 99% of the time they'll use that urge to go out to get into fights and inflict harm on others rather than themself. in a way, their habit of picking fights is still a method of self harm - there's more to their penchant for fighting than that, of course, but it fills that same void and still results in the process of taking care of themself afterward.

#this is one I've been back and forth on for a while now but. yeah. #I was really struck last night with thoughts how how truly awful things were for them between ages probably 11-14/15 #it would make sense they'd seek some sort of coping mechanism like that #.....of course around 13/14 they discover the world of drugs and alcohol & take up that coping mechanism too #BUT UH. that's a headcanon post for another time. #anyway sorry for throwing depressing stuff at the dash but I'm in a Mood #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ HEADCANON ⋮ DANGER IN THE FABRIC OF THIS THING I MADE. #self harm cw #ask to tag #I don't think this needs anything else but lmk if I'm wrong