#anyway. I dislike being lonely but I constantly feel a visceral disconnect between myself and others and it aches every single day.

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #I lie a lot. to other people. to myself. I don't really lie here (usually) because I don't have an image to maintain but like... #I don't always even recognize the lies in telling myself. I retell stories to make myself seem clever and smart #retell interactions to make people take my side in the matter. and it even works on me sometimes. #I've always wanted to be the hardboiled loner. independent and happily isolated from others. #and to an extent I am. it helps when you despise most people you meet. when you find them inane and simple. #but I play it off like I'm somehow cool and aloof when in reality I'm alone because I hurt so much around others. #I have such a hard time identifying with others. I genuinely feel estranged and alien. #it makes me immune to caring about their pain. which can be useful I guess. but that's still not great. #I think part of my desire to be- and questioning of being aroace is in part a desire for independence. #because I have been wildly romantic before. I was head over heals for my first boyfriend (still my best friend). #I wrote them poetry. left love notes around their house. cooked him food and went on dates. and I did enjoy it. felt natural and good. #I just... that happens so rarely. this is the first time in almost ten years that it's happened again. I have the capacity. I have the want. #but I just... I don't click with others. I don't get along with them. I interact with to know them and then I start to loathe them. #I've gotten too many followers here and I go through their blogs and I get an idea of who they are and there's at least five of you I hate. #and I'm getting awfully close to reaching the annoyance threshold because I don't mind you existing but I need it to happen somewhere else. #I don't get paid to exist in the same space as you so we don't even have a functional relationship. #anyway. I dislike being lonely but I constantly feel a visceral disconnect between myself and others and it aches every single day. #adhd meds and hrt are doing huge things to help me be happy with myself. which means I need people less. I can exist alone. #but it doesn't remove the need. doesn't fill the void. it remedies one problem but emphasizes another. #and I'm not used to wanting someone. I want things From people but I don't want Them. except now I do. I want this person. #and I'm so out of my depth because my play is usually to keep distance. engage politely. get the company I need and then retreat. #and I want more than that here. I was about to say “I'm afraid of fucking it up” but I'm not. that's a cliche that my mind auto filled. #I know I won't fuck it up because I understand her and I know my own abilities. but I'm afraid of what this means for me. #will this work loose something in my own mind? Will I become more painfully aware of my own needs? Will loneliness hurt more? #I know I'm moving again in a few years. I'm staying with my brother for the foreseeable future so I know this won't be long term. #so if I can figure this out in the next year or so then maybe I'll be more prepared the next time we settle somewhere. #idk. my mind has been in overdrive processing this for the last three weeks. I feel noticeably more tired because of it. #I'm just so preoccupied with trying to figure out this new part of me that's only shown up once before.