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#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.
tokyoteddywolf
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1 month
Text
22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles
#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.
#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?
#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?
#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?
#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.
#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?
#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.
#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.
#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.
#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out
#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay
#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.
#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'
#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.
#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.
#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.
#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.
#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.
#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope
#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.
#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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