#anyways onwards to 🕺🏼recovery 🕺🏼

[gardenerian]

oops i 🕺🏼 did it again 🕺🏼

hey WHOOPS turns out it's hospital time again 💅🏻 almost three years to the day since the last time, too, we love a cyclical moment 💅🏻 in three years time we'll see if i've ever learned anything ever in my goofy little life 💅🏻

i'm not sure sure how many of you were here for the last hurrah, but i think at the time i went on this whole spiel about no shame, asking for help, taking time, etc? and - yeah, i still think that. no shame, let's do this (well. lots of shame, actually, but hey ho we move along).

but this time has its own set of circumstances and its own new set of complications. and this time meant depriving myself of just about everything. including you, including everything we made together.

so before i dive back into groups, vitals, and pants without strings, here's what i've been thinking:

i hate that i let this happen. i hate that i watched the joy dry up; i hate that i just accepted the new normal as everything i love became a source of stress and guilt and shame. i hate that i was so afraid of doing things wrong or letting things change that i stopped doing them at all.

i never anticipated that i would let my own personality be squashed down to make room for this extra disorder??? one's enough, thanks.

i can't really make any promises right now - who can in recovery? but i can at least say wow. hey. i am sorry. to you and to me! and i can say that, in all the ways that matter, i'm gonna try. to be present, to be intentional. to give myself (and this time) some grace and, hopefully, some compassion.

so! while i relearn how to feed myself (yall ever heard about peanut butter? holy shit. effervescent.), just. idk. know that i love you. know that i think about you and the joy we share and the things we've built together. and it matters - all of it.

the next few weeks are gonna be WEIRD and idk how often i will be here, but god. this is the start! i want to get back. or at least find a new way to engage. i wanna make shit and hang out and be ridiculous. and i want to hear from you! i want to reconnect and reinvest and stumble around the dash like a newborn baby deer. if you'd like, dm me or find me on discord or on on my weird little personal blog (@beochaoineadh) and let's catch up 🍅

anyways! that's enough! let's get on with it! i love you!

#*tobias funke voice* hey gang who wants to take me to the hospital? #i mean it's php but that's not as funny #let me have this #anyways onwards to 🕺🏼recovery 🕺🏼