#bc like isn't this what terfs constantly accuse enbies and trans men of? only being trans because of internalised misogyny?

[politicalautist-blog]

hey yo it’s time for GENDER REFLECTIONS AND WHY I HATE WOMANHOOD by me, a fucking internalised-misogyny-ridden weirdo

So, background: this is not a new thing for me. I now identify as genderqueer and have done for years, and it’s helped me a whole bunch with getting over my internalised misogyny, but for several years I’ve been aware that there are two distinct threads to my genderqueerness:

1. wtf is a gender can i eat it (the side I am open about and constantly scream about)

2. being a woman terrifies me. I still think if I was born with a dick, I would just have been like “yeah whatever I’m a guy” regardless of point 1, because hey, it doesn’t matter. But being a girl sucks and is horrible and girl things terrify me and I don’t want to deal with them.

And it’s definitely point 2 I’m wanting to ramble about now, because it’s only in the last few years that I’ve let myself recognise that as a factor, and I’m still untangling it and trying to face up to why that’s the case and how it affects me.

Disclaimer: I don’t hate women, and I don’t hate feminine things. I used to, but actually, being able to separate myself from womanhood has let me not hate other people for being associated with it. At this point in my life, I love women, and as long as I don’t have to conform to them, I can recognise and appreciate the value of Woman Things (like makeup or pretty clothes or gentleness or emotions).

But they still kind of fill me with creeping dread, and I still can’t manage them as applied to me.

And it’s occurred to me today, while ranting about fanfic to @darael, part of why that is.

Like, I already knew that it was tied to fiction and narrative conditioning. I knew I grew up with books (and films, TV, etc., but this is me, so mostly books) from genres like sci-fi and fantasy and crime fiction which, especially in the older books I grew up on, are known for constantly devaluing femininity and feminine traits. I also know that’s a trend throughout society, that feminine things are lesser and weak and whatnot. I knew I bought into it wholeheartedly as a kid, because I desperately needed to be better than you and also to be validated in my tomboyishness. I sought out female characters as a kid, but I always sought out warrior women. I hated the end of Éowyn’s story because she got all soppy and hung up her sword. (fun fact: that is now the most powerful part of the story to me as an adult, because fuck, it’s not about gender, is it, it’s about the experience of war and trauma of violence... OFF TOPIC WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PACIFIST THEMES IN TOLKIEN)

But just now I’ve been thinking that it goes deeper. I modelled myself specifically after those shieldmaiden and warrior-woman characters, because it was the way I most often saw “girl who doesn’t align with social gender norms” in fiction, certainly the most often way where that’s represented as a positive.

And, Jesus, so many of those characters hate women. “Not Like Other Girls” is a fucking plague in fiction. So, yeah, that’s a spinoff of the first thing, where womanhood and femininity is Bad and Weak and Poor, but...

...but that’s where I learnt to be a person. That, specifically.

No wonder I took the “feminine bad” message on board quite so strongly. It’s not just that femininity was a narrative I didn’t fit into, or even that I desperately wanted vindication that I was doing the right thing breaking out of that narrative (although in hindsight, I really did) - the narrative I took on board for myself to replace it is fundamentally built on rejection of the feminine in like... 90% of cases.

(it’s also fundamentally built on being sporty and physically violent, which also does not fit me, an actual couch potato, but again, that’s a digression)

I want to bring it back to Éowyn, aka “Jormy’s First Love And Also Role Model”, because one thing I’ve reflected on is that she doesn’t fit that pattern, at least not in the books. She cares about women, protects women, values women’s work, while also feeling that it isn’t her calling. She’s not perfect in that regard, but it’s very clear to me on an adult reading that Éowyn is not misogynistic in her rejection of traditional femininity.

And that was completely fucking stripped out in the films. Like, suddenly Éowyn can’t cook (at least in the extended editions), shows no signs of feminine manners or behaviour or political understanding, and never aligns herself with the women of Rohan the way she does in the books. They “Not Like Other Girls”-ed the original fantasy Not Like Other Girls. 

So I guess, insofar as there’s a point to this beyond rambling out my Gender Thoughts, the point of this post is: are we getting worse at this? Is it just a few shitty adaptational choices (I note that Game of Thrones did the same to the nth degree with both Arya and Brienne, quite aside from shitting all over Sansa and Cat, but GoT is just all-around misogynistic trash so maybe not a valid data point?), is it a reactionary response to the rise of more feminist fantasy/specfic, or do I just think it’s getting worse because I’m more conscious of it?

Also, how the fuck do I fix this? I don’t want to hate Woman Things. I want to be able to mess about with makeup or dresses or responding to things with emotional vulnerability once in a while, without on some level feeling like I’m betraying myself - the narrative of myself I’ve taken on. I really don’t want to hold onto any hatred of women and girls and their embracing of their gender - or to be uncomfortable with femininity from anyone, especially when so much of the feminine narrative in this context is stuff we need more of in our society.

I wonder if it’s possible, or ever will be possible, for me to be identified as a girl without feeling that misogyny crawling back in. It’s not even that I want to be a girl (again, what is a gender, can you eat it) - but is there a version of me that could be a girl without hating Girl Things? Is there any dominant narrative of gender-nonconforming womanhood that doesn’t require either misogyny or lesbianism? (no shade to lesbians, I just am very aware that I’m... not solely into women, and nor are a lot of gnc women, so being told your options are “hate women or have sex with only women” only exacerbates matters when you KNOW you’re equally or more attracted to dudes)

i want there to be a punchy point to this post but like

there isn’t one

gender’s weird and society’s a mess and the stories we tell each other shape the way we treat each other and also i’m fucked up in my relationships with womanhood the end

#oh yeah and also i'm scared that makes me a Fake Genderqueer but i know that's dumb so let's ignore it #gender #gender politics #narratives #now is as good a time as any to say that i want to punch the producers of game of thrones in their dicks and this is a big reason why #grrm is not great at writing women non-creepily and yet he looks like a feminist icon next to the tv version of his characters #i don't know why this post exists #and i am now into the stage of feeling like i'm going to hurt The Cause by posting it #bc like isn't this what terfs constantly accuse enbies and trans men of? only being trans because of internalised misogyny? #i relate to girly-girls with such a weird mix of scorn and envy #because part of me really wishes i could wear makeup and dresses and fuck about with long hair and nails #and unselfconsciously enjoy romance novels or chicklit or other genres aggressively marketed to women #and i just cAN'T DO THAT #i don't even mean 'won't' i mean that doing any of those things without a thick veneer of irony gives me the creeping shivers #to the point where i don't even know if i want to do any of those things or just want to be able to want to? #idk there are a lot of Feelings here apparently #the point is EOWYN IS STILL THE QUEEN OF MY WORLD AND IF YOU DISRESPECT HER I'LL KICK YOUR ASS #I'LL KICK ANYONE'S ASS #I'LL KICK MY OWN ASS #although in fairness i do that last one on a daily basis anyway