#because all his ideals of masculinity and manhood are being broken down. he's discovering things about himself that horrify him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sleeplessinsiswati · 5 years

Text

Toxic Masculinity—A Contagious Kind of Pollution

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad, I know I’m late.

*grumble and murmuring*

My bad. Look, i said my bad.

*lower murmuring*

Look, in my defense, I had the post locked and loaded on the queue and then my internet went out. Boom. Now can we get on with what we came here for?

_________________________________________________

As you may know about me, bell hooks is one of my favorite authors. She has inspired me, moment after moment and time after time, to grow and love myself and others more wholly and fully. In her writing she uses a combination of autobiographical, common-sensical language and academic, theoretical research to shed light to the various topics. Here, I will attempt to scratch at the masterpieces of her work, and use both theory and my experience to shed the light of truth concerning what I know about what the world has come to refer to as toxic masculinity.

Your story may be different than mine, but toxic masculinity is something that affects each and every one of us. Let me state again, masculinity is not the issue here; there is nothing wrong with “being a man” or being strong or having power. The issue comes in when notions or ideals of manhood force boys and men to be emotionally unavailable, makes us believe we are not enough as human beings, or encourages us to exploit and take advantage of others in an ultimate quest for power. There’s no way around the reality that this is no way to live, and there is the crux of the argument—living. Most of the things that we come to know and associate with being a “man” and “manhood” have to do with survival. Hunting, fishing, fighting, scanning a room and sizing people up, sports, fitness, taking a hit and not complaining, the list goes on and on. Most of these are guys grasping at straws, trying to get a piece, a bit more power than they had before, in order to survive. But this is not living.

This is why the first step to growth, and leading a healthier life absent of toxic masculinity, is reflection. You must look over your life, your experiences and genuinely ask are you living or are you surviving. Patriarchy, being a system where men and masculine energy dominate spaces of power or with power and women, children, and weaker men are seen as inferior and vessels willing to be dominated or controlled, makes us believe that survival is the ultimate resource and that there are constant, looming threats to us accomplishing this goal. Though at times this may be true, it is not always true, and if we walk through life always scanning rooms with balled up fists we doom ourselves to early graves filled with bitterness, emotions we’ve never experienced, and a life devoid of love. There is more to life than reliving childhood traumas day in and day out, but that more does not come without being able to reflect and to heal.

I don’t remember at what point in my childhood I started hating my dad; I know that it was not always that way. There’s a distinctly fond memory I have with him—wrestling my older brother and I, both of us no older than seven at the time, he pinned us down and stood on our chests saying, “ Who’s the man? Who’s the Man?” Gerald and I were half hysterical laughing, half having an asthma attack, and shouting, “ You’re the man! You’re the man!” He laughed saying, “ No, God’s the Man. Say, God’s the Man.” We giggle between gasps, “Okay, God’s the Man!” Mom came on to the scene from the back room of our duplex and looked at Dad with that look that only Black mommas can deliver; we were sorry that we got dad in trouble, but to this day I love that time in my life, I love that memory.

Perhaps it was the pressures of two lives, two similar personalities, and an age difference spanning over three decades that caused there to be so much friction between us; don’t ask me what the first argument was even about, because I couldn’t tell you. I think that it was the silence that ultimately led to it all. Questions not asked by a son out of fear, and questions left unanswered by a father unaware of the shadow his figure casted. What I do know is that early on in my adolescence I became disillusioned with childhood, with being looked down upon and thought to be foolish, and I know it had a lot to do with Dad and things he said, or how he said them. Something as simple as walking into the room that Gerald and I shared, looking around and making an expression, and finally looking at us and shaking his head was all Dad needed to do to express his disappointment. Honestly I appreciated the silent expressions a lot more than the verbal ones, which seemed to have a back-breakingly painful bite to them. Gerald grew to be calloused and joke about it, but I was raw to it; words more than belts and punishments are what would break my spirit. Around fifth grade I realized that love didn’t really matter, or at least it didn’t mean anything—I loved my dad and he kept smoking cigarettes even after my brother and I begged him to stop; I loved my mom but I couldn’t tell her what I felt about the world because she couldn’t protect me from it; I loved my brother but I felt he constantly belittled me, silenced me, and made me feel like I was stupid (I’m sure he took a few pages from Dad’s book, in this way); I loved myself, or I thought I did, and yet I constantly belittled myself, telling myself that in this world I would have to be stronger. Love could not change anything about life, it just made you feel like you couldn’t even more.

Eventually I gave in to this belief system—years passed and I graduated to full blown “I don’t give a fuck about anything”. I was afraid, powerless and with those tools as weapons I was ready for anything at any time because I felt I had nothing to lose; I felt I had lost so much of my soul already, it wouldn’t matter even if I lost my life. Hotheaded athlete, I knew how to mask my shrewd and heartless demeanor with cool, chauvinistic locker-room thuggery. I acted chill, I wanted to be chill, but in my mind, at any moment I was a shoulder bump away from a full blown “nigga moment”, as so accurately defined in The Boondocks. I was a ticking time bomb, an emotionally unavailable mess all throughout high school, and college was more the same with less of the guard rails.

But before we keep going forward, let’s go back. Black Baton Rouge has become well-known in modern society (before the Alton Sterling murder) for one reason in particular, as far as I am concerned, —Lil Boosie. Now, I’m not talking about “Zoom” or “Wipe Me Down” Lil Boosie, that’s mainstream Boosie. I’m talking “Set It Off”, “Murder Was the Case” Lil Boosie; Boosie that I met that one time at the Mall of Cortana and he said, “Wassup, lil niggas” Lil Boosie. That one. The Boosie BR natives knew growing up was trap before trap was cool. Street, gutta, whatever you want to call it, Black BR loved it and they had to have it. Hell the whole world came to love it, but Baton Rouge had to have it so much that they had to mimic it; kids, even, began to walk with certain swaggers, talking lingos picked up from lyrics. It was a damn masterpiece from a mastermind, and there was no escaping it. The problem though, is what this success for one man meant for many boys (like me and unlike me) growing up in that era. Is being a man being that kind of man? The kind of man in these songs? Why do these boys think less of me because I’m not a “man” like they think they are? Do they know they’re faking?

These were the type of thoughts that got me chin-checked on more than one occasion, questioning what someone saw as their manhood, or them thinking I was calling them soft. I was a huge fan of Dr. King in my younger days, nonviolence and all, but I made up in my mind after one good fight that Dr. King must have never been to Scotlandville, Baton Rouge, a day in his life, and that was that for nonviolence as a way of life in my mind. In a classic case of if-you-can’t-beat-them-join-them, I entered the wade pool of cool poses and posturizing. If a scrap came I didn’t think twice about it, and I was willing to take whatever bruises and lumps came with it from the school or the fight. Not like I was built or raise for all’lat, but didn’t seem like there was much other option.

Now let’s press play, back at the start of my university academic career. I had finally made it to the platform where I wanted to be—college freshman, class president, track team, chapel assistant, so on and so forth. And the shit felt as plastic as a maxed out credit card. The aggression, the fight that I had come to know and hate and love—for all its pain and all its suffering, I missed it; it was home, my home. Not much more than a self-righteous leader already, I quickly threw off the mask of who people wanted me to be as the smart, politically correct leader after freshman year, and allowed my passions to roam freely. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, for no reason other than I wanted to.

It wasn’t until I nearly lost my opportunities to continue my studies and was threatened with the potential for never finishing undergrad, that I sat down and contemplated what went wrong, and why. It was then that I had to take a journey through my mind, into my past and confront the decisions I made, the reasons I made them, and the consequences of those actions. It was here that I discovered and acknowledged the pain in my past. The memories of desperately wanting the approval of my father, and simultaneously being pained by not living up to his seemingly impossible expectations; Times where he seemed to be emotionally unavailable hurt me more than any belt whooping ever could; fleeting thoughts of being silenced or crying inconsolably from feelings of inferiority or brokenness. From these starting points I came to resent the presentation of manhood before me in my father, and the power that came with it, with hoping to one day overcome (or overpower) it by whatever means necessary. That bitterness spilled over into other systems of power and I came to resent almost all, if not all, forms of leadership. Being on the lower rungs of the power dynamic at home and the frustration that came with it did not get any better in the world beyond those four wals; I was short, readily referred to as “nappy-headed”, and emotionally vulnerable. The ego bruises and self-esteem damage I received from early on in my public school career led me to believe that I had to become someone powerful, or to have power, in order to not be disrespected. This belief would haunt me from the moment of its beginning up to this very day.

Once I realized this, and I was able to accept that for the vast majority of my life I had been living in my past burdened by unforgivness, that I had not been the person I really wanted to be, I began a journey of learning to become for the first time. It was exciting being able to unlearn ways in which I had limited my own humanity for fear of not being perceived as manly or displaying some form of power, but it has also been very painful at times. Admitting to yourself the damage that you have done to others, the damage you have done to yourself, and the damage that has been done to you is not easy. There are people who to this day I feel I owe apologies to, for things that I said or ways that I treated them, Black women in particular; for the sake of recovering acknowledgement I didn’t receive in my youth but desperately wanted, I took advantage emotionally of women who otherwise loved me, cared for me, and wanted to see the both of us to succeed. Some people, most people, are afraid to look into their pasts and examine the truth of their actions because they do not want to face that there may be consequences to their actions; even towards themselves there is unforgivness and bitterness. The truth is, without confronting our past we are bound by them and they have power over us. Only by being able to non-judgementally examine our actions, accept that they were wrong, and pay whatever toll to move forward, can we begin our journey of healing.

Even I was afraid to begin my journey of unlearning toxic masculinity thinking that I may be vulnerable to the world and it’s threats, but I have come to find my wife and best friend, a life of love and laughter and carefree living, and wholeness through this adventure of learning. Yes, I am now more likely to cry in public and yes I share my feelings more with others, but I now see that instead of living a life silencing parts of who I am and distorting other parts of me to seem more angry or more threatening than I feel, I can just…be.

And that, for me, is enough.

Pain is universal: we all experience it, feel it, and suffer. But the only thing equally as universal, and infinitely more powerful is the healing from that pain; that healing is love. I challenge you to ask what ways has toxic masculinity been a part of your life, and then challenge your self to live a more whole, more alive life. Only by ending this vicious cycle can we stop the pollution of toxic masculinity, and breathe the fresh air of self-acceptance, self-love, and truly show our love for others.

Peace.

#growth

1 note · View note

saltyblazestudent · 5 years

Text

Moonlight a critique of toxic masculinity and black masculinity

Tanner Roberts

MSCT 1010 Battista

11/07/2018

Moonlight:

A critique of toxic masculinity and black masculinity

By Tanner Roberts

Moonlight is a 2016 drama directed by Barry Jenkins, and is journey into the life and struggles of Chiron a black and gay man growing up in Florida. We see Chiron’s troubled childhood with him being bullied by other boys and his own mother. We see Chiron in high school start to recognize and feel shame for sexuality, and we see him act on his urges during his first homosexual experience with his friend. We later see Chiron as an adult and he has been shaped by spending time in prison and putting up walls and denying his true self to protect himself. The film reveals many problems with how toxic masculinity is socialized into young boys and some of the consequences of that. It also heavily criticizes many of the problematic norms embedded into black masculine culture.

The film uses the characters Juan and Chiron’s peers like Kevin to illustrate issues with toxic masculinity and black masculinity in particular. Juan is a Black Cuban immigrant who also happens to be a successful drug dealer and Chiron’s peers like Kevin are all ‘Urban’ Black kids living in rough neighborhoods where “being hard” is key to surviving. Juan finds young Chiron hiding in an abandoned motel room after he is chased into hiding by some bullies. Right away the film is introducing us to some of the problems in which the ways boys are raised to be masculine. Chiron is shown to be sensitive or “soft” along with being psychically smaller than many of the other boys around him. The boys around him perceive his small stature and drawn back nature as weakness. Chiron is from an early age identified as “Gay” by his peers before Chiron himself even really recognizes it.

“My Suggestion is that the body becomes its gender through a series of acts which are renewed, revised, and consolidated through time.”- 1. (Judith Butler Performative acts and Gender Contruction)

The movie goes very far to affirm that in black families gender roles are placed on children from a very young age. We see this when Chiron goes to play soccer with friends and is questioned as to why he didn’t feel like sticking around and playing rough and rowdy with the other boys. When he responds that he “just doesn’t like it” his friend Kevin jeers him and asks “Why do you let them walk all over you” referring to the boys that bully Chiron and already call him gay despite Chiron being only 9 and not being aware of his sexuality. Kevin continues his speech to Chiron with “You gotta show em you hard”. This point about being “hard” comes back up many times and is usually tied to violence. It is used as a means of protecting ones’ self and their pride. If someone is messing with you hit them to show them that you can’t be messed with. If Someone hurt you, hurt them back to teach them a lesson. It’s a lesson that is taught to many young men but is an even more prevalent ideal In lower class minority groups epically in families where male guidance or father figures are absent. Another issue that Chiron faces is family issues. Chiron’s father is absent and his mother is addicted to crack cocaine and acts incredibly erratically. Chiron’s Mother is also a source of abuse as she like Chiron’s peers recognizes his homosexuality even before Chiron does going so far as to call 9 year old Chiron a “faggot” to his face. Chiron finds shelter with formerly mentioned drug dealer Juan and his girlfriend Teresa. Juan has an interesting role in Chiron’s life as well. Juan acts as a surrogate father to Chiron when Chiron has to escape his mother, but Juan is the one selling crack to Chiron’s mother thus making Chiron’s situation worse in the large scheme of things. Juan does try to rectify this by acting as a good influence on Chiron and teaching him to swim and just being generally nice to him. Juan’s drug dealer lifestyle does have an effect on adult Chiron and it’s not in the way Juan would’ve wanted but that will be touched on in a bit.

““Little Boys like playing rough games; little girls however are full of sugar and spice” is predicated on a whole set of ideological premises” 2. (Stuart Hall, The Whites Of Their Eyes)

After his childhood we see Chiron as a teenager In high school. He is what some might describe as a “Nerd” he wears button up shirts and the jeans that are not the most stylish which I believe is another point where the director is criticizing stereotypical traits of masculine black men having to dress “hard” or gangster to appear like men. He is also just as drawn back and reserved as he was as a child because now his peers and himself are even more aware of his difference in sexuality. We see also during his teenage years toxic masculine behaviors being reinforced even more. In his culture and his economic standing violence is viewed as necessary. In his community of lower class broken minority families violence is also not uncommon, but most disturbingly is that violence in Chiron’s world is equated with manliness and honor. So to be a man and to protect your honor you have to be prepared to be violent. While violence is praised however, feelings and emotional healthy responses are looked down upon. Men who cry in Chiron’s society are equate with femininity which is than, equated with homosexuality, which is than associated with psychical weakness. So being that Chiron is not only gay but also in touch with his feelings (and having many reasons to cry considering his home situation) is often an easy target for bullying and harassment. Chiron eventually does open up to his friend Kevin where he reveals that he cries and Kevin reveals that he wishes he could cry to, they then share a homosexual encounter together realizing and accepting each other for who they are. Chiron’s moment of happiness is ruined the next day when one the school bullies peer pressures Kevin into helping him beat up Chiron, and out of fear of being ostracized by his peers Kevin complies and helps beat Chiron.

It is after this beating we see Chiron start to follow down some of the more dangerous paths of toxic masculinity. After his beating Chiron find the Bully who orchestrated the whole thing, a young man named Terrel that has a science class with Chiron. Chiron walks into his science class, walks up behind Terrel, picks up a desk chair and proceeds to beat Terrel over the head with it getting himself arrested. Chiron’s decsion to follow a path a violent revenge landed him in jail and when he is released we see him start to follow in the only father figure’s footsteps he’s known, Juan’s.

“Later the concept of “ Adventure” -one of the principal categories of modern entertainment moved straight off the printed page into literature of crime and espionage”- 3.(Stuart Hall The Whites Of Their Eyes)

We see Chiron after he has been released from prison and he has now moved to Georgia and his new personality is almost unrecognizable. He is now “Hard”, he sells drugs, drives an old Cadillac with the same crown decoration on the dash board that Juan had, he carries a very large pistol, and describes himself as “on the street”. He even goes as far to have the flashy teeth Grillz and jewelry associated with gangster rap and the drug dealer lifestyle. Chiron has bought into the Toxic masculine lie and more specifically the Black male mold for the Alpha male role. He takes no shit anymore but he is also deeply separated from his emotions and no has resorted to crime to feel like a man.

“I have always worried less about the men I love being manly men than about them being free men- unimpeded in achieving health and happiness as their Black selves. Free men make good partners. Free men make good daddies. Free men make good men.” –4 (Tamara Winfrey Harris Shedding (Moon)light on Toxic Masculinity)

Chiron is eventually contacted by Kevin who still lives in Florida who tells Chiron he misses him and apologizes for the fight that he was a part of. It’s in his reuniting with Kevin that the two kind of put it all out on the table and they express their feeling for each other, how they have moved on, and their feelings about the situation. The eventually come to terms with their feelings and the movie ends with a shot of Kevin and Chiron cuddling and comforting each other implying that they have accepted not only their pasts but their present and who they truly are and want to be.

“How Life Goes on despite the trauma and how Chiron’s already fragile state is put in jeopardy by everlasting loss, both psychical and spiritual, and doubt reinforced by what society wants him to be.” –5 (Circo Di Lella Moonlight: the slow defeat of Toxic Masculinity)

Moonlight in my opinion is about a boy discovering manhood. Although he learns manhood is different than what he thought it was. Man hood isn’t being “hard”, it’s not being violent, it’s not taking unnecessary risks like selling drugs, and it’s not who you are sexually attracted to. Being a man is accepting the who you are inside, it takes courage, and it takes honesty to one’s self. A man can be in touch with his feelings, a man can cry, and a man can love another man and still be a man.

Sources

1. Judith Butler, Performative acts and Gender Contruction

2. Stuart Hall, The Whites Of Their Eyes

3. Stuart Hall, The Whites Of Their Eyes

4. Tamara Winfrey Harris, Shedding (Moon)light on Toxic Masculinity

5. Circo Di Lella Moonlight: the slow defeat of Toxic Masculinity

#MSCT1010BattistaFall18

2 notes · View notes