#because we're attracted to the same gender and thus there is no biphobia in the queer community

[lastoneout]

I do agree with the people calling Somerton out for his misogyny and lesbophobia but I do want to remind everyone that him treating Becky Albertalli like that was an explicit act of biphobia. Like there is something very transparent about him insisting that lesbians have it easier than gay men only to turn to a bisexual woman and refuse to accept that she's queer at all. That was biphobia in it's purest form. It doesn't make the rest okay by any means and I'm not trying to minimize it, but as a bisexual woman I think it's important for everyone to recognize that he did not just treat her like that because she's a woman who happens to like women, he did that because she's bisexual and he clearly doesn't think bisexual women are queer at all.

Also don't gloss over the transphobia around ignoring ND Stephenson and Rebecca Sugar's gender identities as well. He's not just a misogynist and a lesbophobe, he's biphobic and transphobic too. Acknowledge all of it.

#I just dont want people to ignore the biphobia bcs so often people act like bi people are only hated #because we're attracted to the same gender and thus there is no biphobia in the queer community #but he didnt hate her for liking women #he treated her differently than he treated the lesbians he talked about #and it's because she's bisexual #same with how he treated ND Stephenson and Rebecca Sugar #he didnt do it just because he hates women/people he perceives to be women #he did it bcs he doesnt think nonbinary people count as queer either #and that's really fucking transphobic #Hbomberguy #james somerton

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey Maddie, thanks for answering my question about internalized biphobia, it helps knowing someone else, a well-known activist no less has dealt with or talked about it.

You don't have to answer this, or feel free to link to a different post since I'm sure you've answered things like this countless times, but I think those thoughts specifically come up when I find a man attractive--recently there's been a really attractive mail man that comes in to where I work but that's a different story lmao. Although sometimes they come up without reason too. It is silly and frustrating, (and other synonyms), because like I've said, I accepted and love that I'm bi and I thought I'd gotten over those hurdles but I guess not/they still linger. My attraction to men can be and is queer and it doesn't take away from my liking women.

I suppose it can be challenging to get over radfem talking points when that's sort of what you grew up consuming, specifically the "all men bad" one, since it's used as a joke a lot.

The shitty thing about biphobia is that it's like... you can't catch a break. No matter whom you are attracted to there's this nagging anxiety that you're doing it wrong for one reason or another. When you (a woman) have a crush on a woman there's the whole load of (internalised) homophobia and a fear of being "too queer" in a society that's still overwhelmingly heteronormative. Then when you have a crush on a man you get the fear of being "not queer enough" and that fear gets amplified by biphobia from within the queer community.

So, again, I can only recommend to keep reminding yourself that there is no right or wrong way to be bisexual and that any experiences you make will always be through the lense of bisexuality/queerness. That does 100% include your attraction to men.

Bi women have overlapping experiences with straight women and with lesbians but that doesn't mean we are off-brand versions of either of them. We are our own thing with our own understanding of sexuality and the way gender plays a part in it or not.

Monosexism (the idea that a person can only be attracted to exactly one gender and thus bisexuality doesn't exist) has created this idea that any attraction you have for one gender takes away from your capacity to also be attracted to another gender. That's also where the biphobic sentiment comes from that we're all eventually going to "choose a side". But committing to one person (if we want a monogamous relationship) doesn't mean that we have turned off a part of our sexuality.

To come back to your message (sorry, I'm kinda going on long tangents in these asks lately): it's pretty common for bi women to have those internalised biphobia moments especially as a response to experincing attraction to a man. It's always along the lines of "not queer enough", "choosing heteronormativity" and "betraying the sapphic community". All of that is stuff I have read on this blog before and heard offline from bi women. But attraction to men is something amazing, it's beautiful, it can be fun and sexy and exciting because men have the same capacity to be beautiful human beings and great partners as women and non-binary people. Men aren't inherently worse people or "monsters" or whatever radfems try to make us believe. Men are also just... people. Some of them are assholes, some of them are sweet and kind and funny and loving and sexy.

So, maybe just try to celebrate your attraction to men in the same way as you celebrate your attraction to women. One isn't "worth" your pride more than the other. All parts of your sexuality are inherently enriching and exciting and you're allowed to enjoy all of it and get pleasure out of all of it.

Very concretely that means that you might have to cut out any radfem-y stuff that still crosses paths with you - offline and online. Got a friend who's very anti-men? Distance yourself. Follow a blog that posts stuff that even smells the slightest bit of biphobia (even just bi erasure) or radfem rhetoric? Block them. And fill those holes by connecting to the bi community and making bi friends aka people who understand you, people who accept you as you are and don't question any of it.

Maddie