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wooahaes · 2 years

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writing thoughts ig

i think whenever i write my fics, i usually do try to like... ask myself what kind of story i want to tell and what kind of like... reader/mc i would use to tell that story? i think most of the time i try to go gender-neutral with my mcs so that people can project onto them.

like... under the sun deals with identity, but more in a sense of the way that you define yourself based on past and present experiences. i dont see that as something i need to gender in the slightest. the period comfort vernon fic, acts of service, isnt gendered either--there’s just a warning that reader does have a uterus because.. it’s a period comfort fic. not everyone w periods is female. i could have done the same with one word at a time (dad!wonwoo fic) but i think i projected more onto that one with some thoughts and fears about being a mom one day.

like obviously all my birthday fics from this year are gendered because i wrote them specifically for my birthday. i didnt have to, but they were mainly for me and i just shared em for funsies.

the flowers fics were all gender-neutral bc idk i think everyone deserves to get flowers + i didnt really have a reason to gender them.

lonely hearts club was specifically me, a chubby woman, writing a fic that doesnt center on a chubby mc and her weight + me wanting to write a chubby woman being actively pined for and loved bc of who she is as a person. no weird caveats based on weight. both tiger strips + beach body are also chubby!fem!reader because the fat experience does differ depending on the way you present yourself. people who are perceived as women tend to get a lot more shit when it comes to the idea of “making up” for being fat. people who get perceived as men will get shit, too, but its usually in a different vein. i won’t go too much into it, but there’s a reason why i gender my chubby!reader fics and it is primarily bc of that difference.

i think while i do prefer and try to write fics where the reader is inclusive, sometimes i want to write a story for people like me tbh? even if people don’t always read them (lhc has very low interaction on it, specifically--so does beach body, but tiger stripes has decent engagement compared to them), i still think its important to write fics for people like me ig? i like making people happy.

i also like proving you can write a fic catered more toward fat ppl without making the entire plot “i hate my body sooo much im so ugly and fat no one will ever like me because im not skinny :(” and having the love interest go “babe ur pretty” and have that fix all their issues. self esteem can absolutely be a topic of conversation because i was talking with some friends the other day about the way weight gets handled in media (mainly on the topic of weight loss) and fatphobia itself. we kinda talked about a (shitty, according to a lot of ppl) anime adaptation of something where one character gets called fat and proceeds to essentially starve himself + overexercise until hes skinny and then he gets to be happy and confident and “earn” a friend. or media where a characters weight is constantly made fun of the entire time, even if they lose it--it’s constantly used to degrade them or for cheap laughs.

i think the topic of self esteem could be fully approached in writing in general. its not an issue exclusive to fat people, sure, but i think people forget that hating yourself wont just go away because one person loves you--especially if it goes deep. it gets tiring to read chubby!reader fics when so many of them feature a reader who is also depressed and hates themself, especially when it’s just waved away when reader receives love. having supportive people in your life can help, sure, but it doesn’t just... cure it. that’s the shit that happens in badly written romance movies that are definitely written by people who don’t know what it’s like to legit hate yourself and/or the way you look. loving yourself is a hard journey for everyone.

anyway im getting rambley so ill shut up now sdkfhdsf just know i like writing inclusive fic but when i get exclusive its bc thats the way i want to tell a story? lonely hearts club wouldn’t have worked the same way imo had i imagined a skinny reader by default. it would have touched on self-love in a different way + reader’s fears about pursuing ww would have been rooted a little differently. UtS reader outright being a fem!reader would have shifted the dynamic a lot and probably touched more on how it feels to basically feel being the sole female among a large group of men and also it probably would have looked even more similar to m*ze r*nner. reader wouldn’t have been treated any differently imo but “last 14 ppl on earth who care for one another” is still at the core of it, but it would have definitely maybe pulled away from skinship a bit more to begin with before they’d all kinda go “fuck it, everyone needs physical comfort sometimes, we’ll just stay mindful of whats crossing a line with u” or w/e

#wooahaes.txt #this is long and if u read it i respect u sfkhsdf its literally just me rambling for a bit

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evergreensounds · 1 year

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its been a minute, hope youve been doing well

i honestly dont know too much about led zeppelin but ive been following the srs22 tag a little bit and i think youre the second person to answer that type of question with LZ lol. i did some research and yeah, i gotta agree with you. jimmys a shitty dude

thats a neat cover!! its so simple but yet so expressive. i always love covers that show you the actual artist behind the songs. its like getting a little glimpse into who they are

omg so do you have a playlist for weird songs?? i love fun, kind of humorous songs that tell a story so transfusion was a fun listen!

and yeahh i started getting odd vibes from hank when i listened to a song where he went on and on about sin and the devil and whatever else. i guess i didnt go deep enough to hear the misogynistic stuff but the normal songs were fun. but dont be sorry about any perceived negativity!! i think its important to be aware of both the good and the bad

also about the celebrating christmas thing, i can relate. i live with family so i go along with it, and even though theyre christian theyre not too weird about it thankfully. i just enjoy the festivities

-🦈 (i realized i totally forgot to sign off with this last time immediately after saying id use it. oops)

im not surpised people hate on Jimmy Page.

I do know a lot of weird songs but I looked into the lyrics of some of them and they were all just about being violent to women. I know it's not necessarily an expression of their desires or sometimes it even is to represent cruelty. I'm not feeling them right now.

Luckily the ones that are similar to Transfusion aren't like that mostly

There's trouble brewin by Jack Scott weirdd

Uranium Fever by Elton Britt

I also know a lot of music that is weird because it sounds very ethereal and or weird and out of time.

Some artists I recommend here are: Branko Mataja (not only his album covers are really good), Joe Meek (legendary producer but what discussion about him there is is rarely about his work but about his tragic and messy life), Charlie Megira, Link Wray and Mamman Sani. I feel like these guys get usually labeled outsider, a term I don't particularly like because it treats queer and mentally ill or just generally weird people like Zoo Exhibitions while not actually having any stylistic consistency.

However the four guys I mentioned above do have similarities like a focus on lo-fi instrumental music, use of electric equipment/sounds/instruments that haven't been done in the way they did (Charlie Megira technically doesn't use technology/sound in a way the others do, considering he was mostly active in the last 20 years, but he uses it in ways his predecessors did without giving it a commercialised sheen while also carving out some darker and noisier sounds)

My opinion on outsider music is definitely complicated because the art of people that are othered by our society is important, but a lot of audiences are very weird about it, and it does more bad than good to focus on arbitrary similarities in the lives/experiences of musicians while ignoring their waaaast differences. Like none of the five artists above ever met and except for Link Wray and Branko Mataja who lived in America weren't even living on the same continent meaning they definitely weren't a scene or something.

It's also worth noting that being mentally ill doesn't define somebody's art, meaning that poining at somebodys art and saying they could only have created it because they were mentally ill is dumb.

Not to mention that a lot of "outsider" artists were diagnosed and institutionalised at a point in time where mental illness was understood very differently and diagnosis was used as a way to other/label people who did not conform.

Thanks for letting me rant about a subject I am deeply interested in.

#Link Wray has some gross songs and Charlie Megira has some very mean-spirited ones #But a) I feel like I'd be doing music history a disservice if I left them out #b) finding an artist that doesn't have some morally objectionable songs is impossible and not a healthy way to consume art imo #c) they are dead and cant profit anymore

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dilsdelights · 3 years

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i dont really know what makes me so appealing to people who like lesboreyev but id like to say just fyi i dont like it as a concept for the following reasons

its very important to me as a black transmasculine nb lesbian who uses masculine titles like sir that juno is a black(ish) transfeminine nb bisexual man who uses feminine titles like lady. in fact hearing juno express he prefers being referred to as lady is what led me to realise this. i understand plenty of people view juno as an nb trans woman or as completely unassoicated with binary gender, but i do not, and i dont see that supported by the text, personally.

it seems very reminiscent of the terf rhetoric that trans men are self hating women to take a character that has been described by the creator and actor as a gay man and has been perceived by large swathes of trans men as a gender non conforming trans man and declare him a gender nonconforming lesbian instead. im not a trans man so please let me know if im overstepping here.

vespa is canonically a butch trans lesbian. it feels transmisogynist that we look past a canon trans woman who is somewhat gender nonconforming, which is a genuinely radical and important piece of representation, to undermine something near and dear to a lot of trans men and reassociate him with his agab. again, im not a trans woman, so check me on this if you experience transmisogyny.

we have a tpp story that is about lesbians, which didnt get picked up for a full series like junoverse did because of interest. id rather the coyote of the painted plains be remade as a full series (preferably with more appropriate casting, a bit of a rewrite and a sensitivity reader) than wrestling lesbian representation out of text that doesnt seem to support it to me.

chase your bliss, but you wont find it here, and be aware its not without valid criticism.

#dils declares #tpp #the penumbra podcast #i didnt want to like say anything bc im just here to meta and funniepost #but i gotta be honest it makes me a little uncomfortable when lesboreyev blogs follow me.#i also want to see a he/him lesbian. as a lesbian who has gone by he/him pronouns.#not like this though.

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chateautae · 3 years

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Hi sammy

Sammy you are my most most favourite author here. I love your fics. I loved "maybe i do" and still waiting for next chapter 😘😗

I dont know how you will perceive it, but there are some parts of your ffs which are uhm.. somewhat problematic.

Ya ya i know it may sound wierd , and i dont want to be rude here. As i said you are my favourite , so like why would i upset someone who is my favourite you know 😗

Okay so before i start , i really want to appreciate your fics. I loved how you wrote mid yn's character , she is fierce in her opinion and doesnt take any bullshit. I also loved how you wrote mid taehyung's character he is loving and caring, a bit rude but knows his boundaries.

Which is great

But you know there are some parts

Like when there were two random girls in the washroom who bullied yn because she married taehyung(??)

I know it is your story and you have every right to portray your characters anyway you want .

But why is it always gonna be a woman , who are insecure of each other.

Cant we be supportive ? Cant we be acceptable?

Just like the girl that barged in taehyung's cabin and yn felt insecure (??)

As if women just want to show down each other.

But we both know this , that how women generally are the most supportive people we have ever met. They cheer us, motivate us . They aren't like how the mainstream cinema portrays them , they are much more.

They are not just someone's love interest they have a character , like yn she has a character of her own , she is written with so much depth.

It is also beautiful to see how her character developed into a more secure lady.

Also a special mention to Hana. She is my favourite , i love how she is so chaotic but is always there for her best friend.

Like she will beat up anybody who tries to trouble yn.

I am not telling you to what should you write and what should you not. They are your characters you can portray them in anyway you want , but the point here is can we like acknowledge woman for being supportive rather than some people who dont know what they want and their only goal is to get into a rich man's pants.

Okay - that was a bit rude.

Sorry i didnt meant to be rude. But I will still stand to my point . I love your fic and will continue reading them. Your work is amazing and you know it 🌝

Common you do know that you are brilliant.

The only thing is that how you show that the goal of most female characters other than yn is to get in mid tae's pants.

And you may think , it is not a big deal. But it is , it shows that how us women see each other , do we see each other as gold digger no hell not. Never.

Right?

Then why shows these type of women and degrade them to some sort of gold digger?

I hope you will see into this.

Also your fic is so much better when we compare to the other fucs here on tumblr ,where the character of yn is so hollow and someone who just cant survive without the support of a man and like how other women just try to make her life hell :(

Trust me your fic is a ray of hope:)

Again i am sorry if it came Out as rude. But i wanted to tell you this like from a month but didnt had the courage. But then your blog is an actual safe place so finally i am writing it to you ☺️

First off, I would like to make clear to this anon that when I meant this blog is a safe space, it's a safe space first and foremost for me, not just anyone in random, and sending an ask like this quite invalidates the idea of a safe space. Though I'm answering this ask to clear things up, so please feel free to scroll past it if it bothers you, everyone knows I hate drama on my blog.

My answers to this ask will be a) female characters also include people like namjoon and seokjin's wives, hana, his mother, y/n's mother and even the mention of tae's grandmother, I do not recall them wanting to get into Tae's pants, and I have only mentioned 3 actual women from Tae's past.

b) I usually don't entertain asks like this, but I found it quite ironic how you verbally "do not intend to be rude" and yet, you go on to be rude.

c) You have only mentioned 3 female characters, and none of those women actually verbally mention that they loved Tae for his riches. If you read the story carefully, any assumptions of that kind are all in Y/N's head.

d) Taehyung only ever mentions that he's a bit used to being asked for things after sex, which makes complete sense since he's a handsome, young, and rich CEO. I get your concerns about how women are "portrayed by me" in this story, but I don't think you're considering that this is a high-class au, it's meant to portray the world of rich people, where it's very common for NOT JUST WOMEN, but men to also use people as well. I very much mention Y/N's father being pushed around and used for having a start-up until he finally made a name for himself. I'm unsure if you remember Alex and Kiseok, her ex in the story, but they're also portrayed as men trying to essentially "get in the pants" of a high-class woman, Y/N.

I really did not appreciate the lecture about how women should be portrayed, because trust me, I get it. Of course, I fucking love women and stand for them standing with each other, fuck dudes man. But to think that is the case all the time is also a fatal mistake, people IN GENERAL suck. I've had plenty of negative experiences that have come from women, and I know myself that they're not all the sunshine and rainbows, all people aren't. I see your criticism and I understand it, though I think it needs to be understood it's simply the nature of this au, not how I see women in general.

People, IN GENERAL, use people for money, it's something unfortunately common, and in this story it's only mentioned to capture the scene of the au. If you hold on until chapter 13, you'll very much see that I've portrayed BOTH men and women to be quite awful, gold-digging people.

#inbox #anon

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swamp-world · 3 years

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anyways. if... (1968). how to talk about it. tired ramblings below the cut. again, big TWs for a lot of stuff.

im slowly in the process of rewatching it because i just havent had the time lately. it just...strikes me as such a strange film for what it is. i dont remember much, frankly. i remember the general idea, the general vibe, i think there was a lot i was too young to understand the first watch.

the first thing that comes to mind in this film is the idea of the school shooting. they didnt call it such, no, but that’s what we would call it today. as a film made in 1968, it’s morbid and horrendous that they created an event in an overdramatized film, clearly meant to be divorced from reality, clearly satirical in every way, and that by the end of the century, Columbine would happen, and within the 21st century, school shootings became a regular event in america. a cursory search shows that there certainly were instances of school violence before this (a man shot a student in a dorm; a principal shot colleagues, etc.) but none so sensationalized or arguably senseless as those in Brenda Spencer, as Columbine.

and that’s where this film walks a tightrope. there are multiple ways to see the film and all of them are true in at least part.

1. many will recognize malcolm mcdowell from his role in A Clockwork Orange. many will recognize that as a film that white american men tend to look to aspirationally instead of with horror, as it was designed. same vein as the matrix, fight club, the joker, etc. this movie is where he got a lot of his character inspiration from. and there’s definitely that same idea of the disillusioned loner who, if given a gun, can make enough of a revolutionary difference in a world that has wronged him

2. is this supposed to be a good thing? the film seems conflicted itself at times. the teachers are in the wrong, certainly. oh, that’s without question. it doens’t paint the violence as aspirational, i dont think. i do think that there’s this idea of a fictionalized, sensationalized and glorified revolution, fighting back against the school system and society

3. this was part of a “series” that was satirizing british school, healthcare, and capiatlism. make of that what you will.

4. it predates monty python as well but absolutely demonstrates much of the same humouor and influence and aims. i can’t explain the surrealness of it.

5. the disillusioned students aren’t disillusioned for no reason. the school system strips them of their character, reduces them to family names and no personality, turns a blind eye to abuse at the level of peers, encourages harmful hierarchies within the student body that involve active abuse and corporal punishment, and aims to produce machines instead of people. this is an understandable reason to be upset. it’s something we still grapple with today.

6. the context of the school shooting in the film absolutely must, for my intentions here, be separated as much as possible from our modern conception of the school shooting. the ones that we encounter in the modern world are certainly a product of the issues that the film brings up, but i want to do my best to look at it in its own time, as much as i am able to with my limited knowledge

7. the modern school shooter tends to be a “lone-wolf” domestic terrorist, and i will not hesitate to call them such. they tend to be incels, white, straight, young men who perceive themselves as being rejected by women, or who are motivated by alt-right and fascistic beliefs and goals. these are acts meant to inspire terror in those populations. i would certainly classify these as hate crimes, since that’s their primary motivation. in If... on the other hand, they are very clearly attacking the system of british education itself and the people who perpetuate it. (in a lot of situations, this isn’t inherently much different from the way that a lot of modern school shooters see themselves: important to consider.) rather than being violence deliberately directed at the students, it’s specifically on Speech Day, where parents, administration, faculty, etc. are all present. These are the people in power; these are the ones who send their children to these schools, who fund them, who run them, who allow, encourage, and enact the violence. it is not an aimless violence, nor is it a hate-motivated violence.

8. the shooting in the film is meant to be farcical and satirical. who would have imagined, in 1968, that this scene, meant to be the pinnacle of overdramatized and hyperviolent revolution in a satirical manner, not meant remotely to approach reality, would become something that people avoid watching because it has in fact happened to them? in 1968, who would have predicted Brenda Spencer, Columbine, Stoneman Douglas, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech? there was one significant school shooting in 1966, in Austin, that killed 28 and was the deadliest mass shooting for 18 years. but, and while this doesn’t diminish the violence, i want to emphasize that that took place at a university in america, not at a boarding school in england. the fundamental difference between the concept of adults, former military, gunning down 28 people; and a set of schoolchildren taking over the boarding school’s armoury and shooting at the headmaster, having been taught how to shoot those very guns on that very schoolground, is an extreme difference.

9. so, the shooting is designed to be an act of violence, targeting a system that the film paints as being actively harmful and deserving of a takedown, using the very weapons that the school taught them to use but never anticipated to have turned on them, and created in a farcical light: the idea that “this won’t happen, it’s too outrageous to be real”.

10. how do we take this these days? it seems, in many ways, like very little has changed. oh, corporal punishment isn’t practiced (or at least, not sanctioned, but certainly practiced). students are still molded to machine standard on the basis of class and aspirations spoon-fed to them by their parents. there’s still a significant divide between the working class and the capitalist class. there’s still rage simmering at the way that students have been abused by their schools. the violence that was seen as being overexaggerated at the time became a reality for a completely different set of revolutionary reasons, and the film balances the same tightrope as the matrix, as fight club, etc., between being commentary and satire that violent men will mark as aspirational and true rather than satirical and a warning

11. (that’s not to touch on the misogyny of the film)

this is apparently voted one of the best british films of all time, but that doesn’t mean much a lot of the time. it being a best voted doesn’t mean it’s popular or common or well known among people outside of britain, or outside of that generation; it doesn’t mean it was understood and received as intended.

the other thing i want to bring up about the film is the question of reality. the whole thing is so surreal and strange that the line between reality and imagination begins to blur regularly, but particularly near the end. there’s the question of whether this shooting actually happened in the film, or whether it was merely a twisted fantasy of mcdowell’s character. frankly, i would say that it doesn’t matter if it’s real, according to the movie or not. it genuinely doesn’t. this is what we as the audience see, and the intent is the same: either the boy is so driven to this violence that he actually does it, or he’s so driven to it that he fantasizes vividly about doing it. the point of it is still the same. it isn’t our job to know reality from fantasy; it’s possible that if it’s made up, the character himself isn’t aware of that. of course the film won’t make sense, it’ll be muddled and confusing and unrealistic, it’s satire and meant to bend the rules of reality to make a point. (those rules of reality included: schoolchildren do not use semiautomatic weaponry on their own schools. except for in texas, it does not happen.)

so what’s this to do with dark academia? let me answer that when it’s not 4am.

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pestopascal · 3 years

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hi there sorry if this sounds kind of dumb but i was wondering what exactly makes renfri a mutant in the witcher? and why geralt didnt want to kill her? i played witcher 3 and syanna was also born under the eclipse and depending on your choice she could be left alive. why wasnt renfri?

u dont sound dumb dont apologise for asking questions! there’s not a huge amount behind the curse from geralt’s personal interaction with it, which resulted in renfri’s death and him being cast out of blaviken, but essentially...

i get why the show waved over it, esp renfri in that she is technically “mutated” due to being bound in crystal when stregobor actually trapped her one time, but it wasn’t relevant to geralt’s story to actually find out how she was mutated yknow. stregobor left her crystalised body in a mine for i cant remember how long until a prince came along and freed her. stregobor pretty much determines she is magic resistant because of this (as is a trait of magic mutations, like how witchers are more resistant too). stregobor is obsessed with the curse and finding the girls btw, and has convinced many a people over time about it. his... mentor? i think introduced him to it or something.

a call out to the curse even was when mousesack tells ciri in cintra that they used to lock girls up in towers. that’s what they did after they realised they couldn’t just work out who were cursed, and were both killing too many girls or examining bodies that were unrelated ! thanks stregobor!!! u absolute freak jkhgfd

so the thing with the curse of the black sun is it can be perceived as a self fulfilling prophecy in that... there’s no actual evidence to support that the sixty girls born during a complete eclipse are actually mutated or evil or anything. that’s just the belief. geralt doesn’t really believe in destiny (as shown many, many times), but it is like his job to also break curses and shit. (like with adda! the striga, yknow. he could’ve just killed the striga. but there was a curse to be broken). renfri being 1) “mutated”, 2) “cursed” 3) intelligent, actually brokers into the whole code of “if it speaks, you don’t need to kill it”. like when he’s attacked by torque (the sylvan), he was sent out to yknow. kill a devil. realised that torque was a free thinking, free speaking person, and his job went from “kill it” to “reason with him if possible, offer other alternatives”. there is also a sense of neutrality needed (which the first game, despite it’s many many flaws, actually has present). renfri wasn’t going to leave, because stregobor was never going to leave her alone. geralt was really pushed into a my life vs hers when she fought him in the streets of blaviken. and also renfri did make herself out, in that moment, the ‘evil’ with how she threatened marilka, which is also something to consider.

geralt actually believes that renfri was the way she is more as a product of how she was treated. and if you look through the other named cursed women (like syanna), who ‘grew immensely powerful’ or like married up and shit... considering they were hunted down, it’s more like. they were just trying to protect themselves and stay alive. renfri was beloved by her father, but her step mother hated her and was convinced there was something wrong (by the way, renfri’s story is a twist on snow white, which is why apples were referenced heavily in the entire show). brought in this wizard with a freaky moral compass to convince the king that renfri would bring the demise of his land. had renfri attacked in her sleep and forced her to flee, and then continued to hunt the girl down for the next few decades of her life. the whole ‘she killed small animals as a child’ has no actual backing, beyond stregobor trying to convince geralt that killing renfri is the lesser evil. geralt didn’t want to kill her. renfri just wanted to live, and the only way she would be able to do that was if stregobor left her in peace.

i like how the show had geralt attached renfri’s brooch to his sword, as a reminder to not get involved. that was a genuinely nice touch. it really emphasised how witchers are supposed to be a neutral party. get in, slay the monster (or if it’s intelligent, reason with it), and move on. they aren’t supposed to get involved in infighting and bickering. geralt gets insanely involved in the personal lives of people to a fault, and he recounts to roach (with renfri overhearing), about how he saved a girl’s life... and she screamed at him. he got involved, renfri died, and stregobor came off the grinning victor.

also, while it’s not huge, the show does move over that stregobor has in fact fucked over geralt in the past. in kovir, geralt killed a beast for the king, and then stregobor convinced the king that geralt was a charlatan or something, and didn’t pay... and also gave geralt barely enough time to flee the place. geralt has genuinely had awful interactions with stregobor, which is why he also didn’t quite give away any belief in renfri ‘being evil’.

#replies #the witcher #witcher netflix #renfri #stregobor #geralt of rivia #long post so under the cut it gooooeeesssss #Anonymous

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gregoryfranks · 6 years

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Through the years.

10 years old i saw a change in the way i perceived women and girls

No longer did i think of them the same way playing tag with them didnt seem as interesting as this strange urge to hold their hands as the bell for recess chimed three times.

I started to develop crushes and like girls as more than somebody to play capture with(a game my class made up where girls would capture boys and vice versa and whoever had the most amounts of prisoners by end of recess won. ((The girls usually won)))

I didnt act on it till i was in the second semester of 6th grade. I liked this girl named essence and she seemed nice enough so i went to the store and being the little romantic i am i bought flowers, chocolate, and a card that said something bout puppy love and had a tiny golden retriever on it i signed my name and asked her to be my valentine she told me to meet her by the stair case during lunch. I go and she tells me to close my eyes and next thing i know im falling down the stairs after being punched or kicked in the chest and as im falling all i can hear is her sneer "you think you actually stood a chance with me thats sad." Before i blackout. I wake up in the nurses office my dad sitting by me asking what happened i lied and said i fell down the stairs

Im 13 years old and id been reading the bible particularly something my pastor had spoken on in passing one sunday talking to a couple to be engaged about the greatest love poem ever written called the songs of solomon so i checked it out liked what i read wrote it down put it in an envelope and gave it to my crush while my heart was pounding in my chest she read it outloud to the school and her "boyfriend" and his goons jumped me after school i didnt even know who that guy was and for the next week thats all id heard was the lyrics to the poem while being ragged on all day

13 years old i was accused of being a terrorist and saying i was going to shoot up the school in addition to the ass beating i got from my dad and kids at school i was placed in alternative school for 55 days and held the title of terrorist kid for the next 5 years but thats a different story i got out and made a friend in sarah batiste who took every secret and spread it round school and i didnt find this out till 8th grade prom when she was supposed to be my date but just walked in with me and left after a 10 second dance and i over heard her laughing about it

At 13 i was told to kill myself and the world would be a better place after telling a girl i liked her hair

at 14 my best friend started dating the girl i liked and didnt tell me i had to find out after getting jumped by the school thugs the day after i asked his advice for it

At 14 i was being called a rapist and creep and terrorist and stalker and cunt and bitch and nigger and faggot and had nobody i could trust

At 14 i was beat up weekly just because

At 14 i would try and talk to new kids only to find out everybody already told them the rumors about me and that really sucked

At 15 i foolishly decided to sing in a talent show and was promptly beat for it the next day even though i did pretty well and was to be essentially drafted into choir the next year (i continued to sing and dance it made me happy despite the consequences)

At 16 girls would pretend to date me just to embarrass me in front of their friends and rejection hotline became the most called number in my phone eventually i would call it myself just to chuckle cuz it was pretty funny

At 16 i was adducted to porn and masturbation because besides singing and dancing it was the only time i felt good

At 17 i was drugged at lunch cuz somebody thought it would be funny i passed out the next class for 12 hours

At 17 i stopped getting jumped cuz i was big enough and strong enough and fast enough to keep up sadly i could only handle 4 people at once i still hadnt even held hands

At 17 my parents start encouraging me to come out the closet even though i wasnt gay

At 17 i stopped giving a damn about rejection i didnt really feel anything anymore the mean comments stopped and were replaced by "no thank you" " im sorry i think of you as a friend" "it wouldnt work out" and my fav "you are such a great guy you are going to make somebody so happy one day like you are going to be such a great boyfriend husband and father one day." It was refreshing i didnt hate myself anymore cuz ya know progress

At 18 i had a date to prom walked into our hotel room to go to sleep and found her fucking some dude in my bed

At 18 i was raped and went home and played dragonball z budakai ten/3 for a couple of hours before watching porn and jerking off for a couple of hours

At 18 i fell in love with somebody and joined the navy to show them i wasnt a fuckboy like i had portrayed myself and due to not having any experience ruined it (its a really long story) and im still in love with her to this day

At 19 was told that if i killed myself in boot camp to do it in a way that wasnt messy

At 19 i was told by a guy in class that if he was me he would have killed himself years ago

At 20 i used this girl for sex to keep my mind off the person i really wanted to be with

At 21 i had a drunken one night stand witha white girl and was told to fuck her with my nigger dick

At 21 i walked in on my valentine date getting fucked doggystyle when i went to pick her up

At 22 im accussed of rape by a white girl and kicked out the navy even though all evidence pointed to my innocence

At 22 im used as a bank by a girl i felt i could fall in love with and had finally had a relationship and could marry this woman only to find out the past 9 months meant nothing and she thought of me as a friend

At 23 i gave up

At 23 i once again start contemplating killing myself

At 23 i have a hard time wondering if any ody would miss me

At 23 i pay for sex twice in 3 weeks

At 23 im just coasting through life wondering what the fuck is wrong with me

At 23 i just stopped caring and to make others think im okay i paint on my old mask of being happy even though in dying inside

At 23 im bout to get off lunch paint my mask back on and continue living day to day

At 23 im lonely and tired and i hate myself but i also love myself and think im the shit

At 23 i have so many conflicting emotions i have no idea what im thinking or doing half the time

At 23 hi my names greg i like singing dancing and acting i know damn near everything there is to know about dragonball z naruto and spider man both peter and miles. I still try and love all those that cross my path be it for a season or a reason i have been in love i have lusted ive cried ive thought of dying and have some of the best friends in the world who lift me up when im feeling low and push me down when im getting way to high

At 23 i think im still worthy of being loved and cared for one day maybe not today tomorrow 5 years from normw or 20 but somebody one day is going to love me for me

At 23 im going to post this knowing nobody will read it ill be surprised if im proven wrong

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swampgallows · 7 years

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for the first time in a while, at least a month, i woke up screaming again. i fell asleep around 4, which i was proud of, feeling myself slowly sliding back toward a preferred schedule. lately i’d still been falling asleep at 6am but would wake up a bit earlier, getting fewer hours but at least seeing more sunlight. the urge to hurt myself yesterday was strong, but luckily there are understanding and generous people in my life to ease me through it, and i am beyond thankful.

two things have happened.

one, an old face from my previous WoW server has resurfaced and sought me out specifically. a different friend had namedropped them out of nowhere, but was also drunk and wouldn’t extrapolate on why he had mentioned it. he just said the character’s name, then drunk-dialed me a bunch of times until i picked up and then had their “gay roommate” scream across the room that “asexuals aren’t lgbtq!”, then hung up.

but anyway the old face returned. we’ll call them “Pockets” because it’s 7am and I’ve barely slept and so i’m pullin raver names out of my ass. I met Pockets back on thobro in 2006ish. we’re the same age, and so we’ve known each other for a fairly long time and kind of grew up alongside each other. Pockets eventually got into a relationship with...I guess we’ll say “Dizzy”. Now, Dizzy lives very far away from Pockets. Pockets lives in America, like me, and Dizzy lives in Australia. But as the capabilities of the internet were improving every day (especially with the advent of internet telephony like skype at the time) it was easier than ever to sustain a long-distance relationship. But by the time I had quit WoW in early 2009, Pockets and Dizzy’s relationship had not progressed as one should have. For instance, Pockets had barely seen any pictures of Dizzy. While they chatted all the time, at that point they hadn’t yet had a webcam chat. It had been some years of constant companionship, yet they never had a plan to meet. But that was fair, I thought, since Pockets and I were only 16 in 2006, so planning that thing was kind of difficult. But by 2009, we were 19, and Dizzy was a bit older in the first place, so surely two people who loved each other would want to meet irl, right?

But Pockets said they respected that Dizzy wasn’t so open about their looks or personal life, etc. Okay. Pretty big red flags, though, if someone you’ve spent almost every waking moment with for three years is being this conservative about their identity. They were prominent characters in most of the server’s RP, so there was a lot of talk. “Maybe Dizzy is like... WAY older than they say, and they don’t want to admit it.” “Maybe Dizzy isn’t the gender they say they are.” “Pockets will get fed up with this eventually—they’re young! They can’t just wait around forever.”

So Pockets found me in game, yesterday, and had transferred to WRA, where a lot of thobro refugees (like myself) ended up. And they sought me out specifically because they remember my friendship with them, and that I had known them (and the rest of our community) all that time ago. And Pockets told me, yesterday, that Pockets and Dizzy had finally broken up. They had stopped talking for about two weeks, and for about two solid weeks, Pockets was staring down the cavernous hungry maw of suicide. “Everything was just... so quiet.”

They must have been fucking married by now, I thought. Either way, it had been over ten years! I knew Pockets was taking it really hard. Except... Dizzy and Pockets never met.

Not once. Not once in over ten fucking years of being in a relationship did they ever meet. And Dizzy had actually been to America a handful of times throughout the relationship. Yet Dizzy never went to meet Pockets.

I don’t know what the rest of the situation was like. If they video-chatted every day, if they called each other all the time, or whatever. Regardless of how you look at it or what the situation with Dizzy was, Pockets was catfished and abused for over ten fucking years. “It’s my fault. I should have left when [etc. etc.] happened...” Pockets told me that they hadn’t even seen end-game content past Cataclysm, despite playing WoW the entire time. Dizzy never wanted to do any of it, but would get upset if Pockets did it without them. So all Pockets did from Cataclysm onward was PVP, and once they reached the top achievements, felt there was nowhere else to go from there and stopped. Dizzy only wanted to play alts and quest. No raids, no PVP, no dungeons even. Just running around and questing, and preventing Pockets from doing any of that content. When someone you have never even fucking met is controlling the way you play a video game and what permissions you have within the game that you pay monthly to play, something is wrong.

Pockets knew they were lacking confidence. They were so lonely and so latched on that they let Dizzy run the show. And Dizzy barely cared. Pockets knew they basically only existed when it was convenient for Dizzy, but outside of that, they were nothing. I felt that about halfway through my relationship with my ex qp, and shared those feelings with Pockets. It took so long to break away and I held on past everything, past my own pain and self-torture, because I had some kind of hope that things would change. And part of me, an insidious part, said that this was the best I was going to get. After all, I’m some broken asexual idiot—”I should be so lucky,” the words rang out in my head, yellowed and worn but enduring and broadcasting itself loud and vivid over and over for years and years and years, tattered even during my childhood, “I should be thankful,”—and this person was my best friend. I should take the affection in the times I could get it. I should just accept that they will want other people sexually because I cannot provide that, and my best friend has a right to be sexual, and they are being so generous by fixing me with their limp novice dick.

So I bit it back and squashed it down and even after asking six times and getting no answer, “Do you have a problem with hurting me?” it took them falling into the pit of legitimate white supremacy and Nazism for me to finally let go. And I had tried a number of times but felt myself being pulled back, and they, too, were so desperate for some sense of power in their shitty meaningless life (if that wasnt obvious), so lacking initiative and direction that when i floated back upstream, they took it in stride like every other aspect of existence, as if i were just some trash that floated down the river that they, some huge, slack-jawed bloated fish, gobbled up regardless. I existed only when it was convenient for me to exist, and the moment I started being consumed by my anxiety, getting combative, demanding more affection, more outward recognition, I was gaslit and told, literally, word for word, in fun little tumblr doublespeak, “Your feelings are valid, but this is all based on things within your head.” me coming to my QP and saying, “I feel like you dont care about me because I keep asking to hang out and you’re completely ambivalent about it, and when i asked you, ‘Do you want to see me?’ you said ‘You can visit if you want,’. It’s a yes or no question. Do you want to see me?” DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HURTING ME? and then being told it’s “all in my head”, it’s a perceived disinterest. YES, that is what I’m perceiving, which is why I’m trying to address that you are not giving me enough attention and acknowledgment for someone you claim to care about! But obviously, it was me that was the problem, because i was daring to exist outside those convenient parameters. If you didnt want to fuck me right now then what was I even doing breathing your air?

And I’ve been thinking about them a lot because it was around this time 3 years ago that i had started my job, which i had to quit, and had also had a falling out with them, and was mourning that loss. as well as a, in retrospect, MUCH LARGER LOSS of tokin, who had taken his own life that same week. so i tried to turn it into a new beginning, doing my job and being appreciated, but eventually i crawled back and, one-sided as usual, tried to mend things with the QP. But it didnt matter to them. I didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. “Oh well,” was their shitty little trademark. Yeah buddy, life is fucking just happening to you and you’re stuck in one place without even a dream of things getting better, or worse, just taking things as they are, apathetically, without interest, wanting for nothing except to fuck girls but not enough to do anything about it, only if they’re delivered to your doorstep.

So here’s the second thing that happened.

Yesterday was coming out day, and a sort of friend-of-a-friend posted their story on facebook. I read it this morning upon waking up.

She mentioned her living situation and how she was living with other women who promised that they would help her, which is, in her words, “a huge red flag”. She says things settled into a routine, and eventually the big problem that she needed help with fell to the wayside in the wake of all of the smaller, but more prolific things: “focused on other fires, both making and putting them out.” She talks about the time she wasted living with these women and how she was “on the edge again”. She trusted people she loved and that loved her to help her, and they couldn’t. But then, after hitting a very low point, she had a breakthrough:

I did something I'm not sure I'd ever done before in my life: I took the initiative to help myself. I researched, found, and made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in this sort of thing. I worked through a tremendous amount of repression. I did mental exercises to actively re-wire my brain, and unlearn my unhealthy coping mechanisms. It was painful.

And then, she wrote this:

Maybe my point is that you can't entrust your journey (ugh, hate that term) to anyone else. You can't let other people tell you who you are or are not. No matter how much you love and trust someone, they cannot do the work for you. They can facilitate it, as [redacted] failed to do, but in the end, it's you... get help, get the best and most objective and impartial help you can, do not let yourself be held hostage by people or environments or your own fucking apathy which benefit from you being inert.

When someone you love offers you help, it's normal to want to take the help, and oftentimes you should. But sometimes, it's too much to give, or they have their own problems or motives, and the help is unreasonable to expect. Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist. I lost two fucking years of my life...because I believed that someone else could and would do it for me.

But at least I'm there now. You can get there, too.

I do not know how I can start this journey. I have been trying for ten years, but I have very little direction or resources. I’ve spent the last... god, I guess 8 years, just trying to keep my head above water. Basically since my second year of college, all I’ve really done is survive, and the only times I felt truly alive and like myself were within the rave scene. So I have been clinging to that, and it is a definitive part of me, because it helps me breathe. I don’t think it is “holding me back” because I am not heading anywhere. But I have spent so long gasping for air that I’m almost nauseous from taking a breath. Since I was really young I have cared about electronic music, somewhat in defiance of my live musician parents [drum machines have no soul], and going to thunderdome in a week (!!!) or so is like a pilgrimage to gabber mecca, but also a kind of zenith.

where do i go from here? I’ve said I want to DJ just because parties dont play the music I want to hear, but within the last few years I have felt myself so plugged up and insecure that I don’t know what I want. I’m too old to be precocious and have lost some of my identity in that way because of it. Now that I’m getting older, I feel like I don’t have permission to be new at things. But I have been restrained by permission my whole life. I have earned money yet i’m not allowed to pay for things. I earned my driver’s license by myself yet i’m not allowed to leave my house. i am controlled by my mother’s desperation and neediness and guilt, and by my father’s disconnect and judgment. I am controlled by my siblings’ apathy and my friends’ disappointment in me. i am afraid of not being perfect because then my parents won’t want me, so i put off things that i even want to do and i fear messing up, fear not acquiescing, fear not providing something expected of me, because i will be hurt.

but ultimately i am constrained by my own fears, my fear of pain. i am hurt by the thought that my parents don’t love me and that, to them, i just exist when convenient also, only when they can brag about me, only when they need something done. “I’m worried you don’t get out enough,” my mom says, but all she can offer are words because her heart is closed. she loves by worrying, by stifling, by pity. and i dont want to continue that. i dont want my love to be just good intentions. i want it to be good actions. love, love is a verb.

“I took the initiative to help myself. ... It was painful.”

There is a lot of red tape between my life and my parents’ control. and sometimes doing any action is so exhausting that I cannot do anything for the rest of the day. But I don’t want to be Pockets, waiting for the people who control me to start loving me actively, to have faith in their control benefiting me somehow. I’ve done it before by getting my license by myself. It was slow, and agonizing, and incredibly difficult and drawn-out, but I have it, and it’s mine, and my mom “felt bad”, but I can’t care. Now it’s just a matter of literally getting out the door, without the inquisition, without the mire of their guilt. I am genuinely starving, living on bread and half-expired milk and soda, because I am tired of making my mom cry by asking her to buy things, or coming home with things that, if I had only asked, she would have gotten for me.

I am not asking anymore. I am just going to go get things myself. It will make her cry. She will cry that she is “obsolete”, and that she has “no purpose”, and that she “lives for her kids”, and it will be painful. Like Pockets, I have wasted over ten years of my life banking in good intentions, on the trust that people who love me will help me. Or the trust that even people who are paid to help me will help me.

"Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist."

Asexuality is a term that has helped. It gave me more agency in my verbs, of making a command decision about how I approach sexuality, whereas before I was giving myself, in every imaginable interpretation of the phrase, over to someone else. It hurts that I have to fight so much, that I must fight constantly for personhood, even from those who claim they would do anything to give it to me, even from those who physically did give me personhood.

For my entire life I have thought my bloodline cursed. I have lived beneath the shadow of my father's greatest failure. I hated him for what he had done. I hated him for the burden he left me. But now... You have shown me truths that I would have never known. You and your allies have gifted me with something that cannot bear a price: Redemption. Thrall, redeemer of the Mag'har, you honor me as none ever have... On this day, a great burden has been lifted from my chest. My heart swells with pride. And for the first time, I can proudly proclaim who I am. I can finally unleash the fury in my heart.

As long as I know what I stand for, even if I don’t know what I want or how to get it, I can get there. Because I’ve done it before.

When the bread was finished, the tired little red hen asked her friends, “Who will help me eat the bread?” “I will,” barked the lazy dog. “I will,” purred the sleepy cat. “I will,” quacked the noisy yellow duck. “No!” said the little red hen. “I will.” And the little red hen ate the bread all by herself.

Not that I even have my first tattoo yet, but if I ever get a second one, it should be a little red hen on my wrist. It can be my personal shorthand for “take it easy, but take it”.

#blathering #long post #the little red hen #power word fortitude

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gyrlversion · 5 years

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Family didnt know their Downs syndrome brother was being neglected

The sister of a 61-year-old man with Down’s syndrome who died after going without food for 19 days, because of ‘miscommunication and inaction’ by hospital staff, has spoken of her heartbreak.

Giuseppe ‘Joe’ Ulleri suffered an unexplained fall at home in a supported living complex in Withington, Manchester, and was admitted to Manchester Royal Infirmary on February 26, 2016 after being found in a pool of blood on his bedroom floor.

He passed away less than a month later, after poor communication between medical staff and delays over deciding how best to feed him left him without nutrition for 19 days, causing him to lose 2st 12lbs.

Speaking publicly for the first time since her brother’s death, Ria Ulleri told MailOnline that Giuseppe was ‘sweet and funny’, and that her family did not know the extent of his neglect while he was in hospital.

‘It wasn’t until the inquest that we learned just how much Joe had been neglected. It was horrific. It seemed so cruel,’ she said.

‘All through Joe’s life, we had fought for him to be included and treated with respect.

‘Yet at the very end, he was failed by the people who were supposed to look after him.’

Speaking publicly for the first time since her brother’s death, Ria Ulleri said Giuseppe Ulleri was ‘sweet and funny’ and that her family did not know the extent of his neglect until his inquest

Giuseppe ‘Joe’ Ulleri suffered an unexplained fall at home in Withington, Manchester, and was admitted to Manchester Royal Infirmary (MRI) on February 26, 2016. Less than a month later he passed away after 19 days without food

Ria, 48, an actress from London, said: ‘Joe was a sweet and funny man, but he needed support. It is tragic that the people he relied on to care for him were the ones who let him down.

‘Growing up we knew there was something different about Joe, but we took it all in our stride. He couldn’t really talk much but he made himself understood no problem.

‘He was really funny and entertaining, and we were very close. Our parents were Sardinian and Joe loved to dance to Sardinian music. He liked gardening too.

Ria said that when she left her brother in hospital, he held her hands and wouldn’t let go. She added that looking back, ‘it was as if he knew’

Joe (centre) was the oldest of four siblings (three pictured). Their mother, pictured right, had died when they were little and they were raised by their father, Pietro (left)

Ria, 48, an actress from London, said: ‘Joe (pictured) was a sweet and funny man but he needed support. It is tragic that the people he relied on to care for him were the ones who let him down’

Joe with his father Pietro. Despite his objections when Pietro became ill, and Ria was diagnosed with MS in 2013, Joe moved into supported living

‘There was pressure from the doctors for Joe to go into residential care but my dad wouldn’t hear of it. Joe was part of the family and that’s just how it was.

Giuseppe was the eldest of four children. Their mother had died when they were little, and they were raised by their father, Pietro.

Despite his objections, when Pietro became ill and Ria was diagnosed with MS in 2013, Joe moved into supported living.

‘The move gave Joe independence and it gave my dad some respite so it was better for everyone,’ Ria said.

‘Although it was a difficult decision, he liked it there and the staff were fantastic.’

After his fall, Guiseppe fractured his pelvis, wrist and neck, but his injuries were initially missed by medics. They were only spotted after his carers brought him back to hospital a day later over concerns he could not walk or swallow properly.

Speaking of his move into assisted living, Ria said: ‘The move gave Joe independence and it gave my dad some respite so it was better for everyone’

After his fall, Guiseppe fractured his pelvis, wrist and neck but his injuries were initially missed by medics and were only spotted after his carers brought him back to hospital a day later over concerns he could not walk or swallow properly

His difficulty swallowing continued for several days, leading to staff deciding to make him nil by mouth and put him on a naso-gastric feeding tube on March 9 to prevent him choking.

But he found the tube uncomfortable and it was removed a day later.

The inquest heard poor communication between medical staff and delays over deciding how best to feed him left him without nutrition for 19 days, causing him to ‘waste away’ before he died on March 20.

Relatives told a coroner they had raised concerns with doctors about his lack of food, and described the hospital as having ‘first-rate buildings but third-rate medical care’.

Ria said: ‘I visited Joe in hospital and he wasn’t happy at all. He hated being in there. But I just thought it was a fall and that he’d soon be home again’

Ria continued: ‘I visited Joe in hospital and he wasn’t happy at all. He hated being in there. But I just thought it was a fall and that he’d soon be home again.

‘I had no idea what lay ahead. But when I left he held my hands and he wouldn’t let go. Looking back, it was as if he knew.

‘I held him in my arms and I said goodbye as he took his last breath. My heart was breaking. He had lost so much weight. He was a shadow of himself.’

An inquest into his death earlier this month recorded a narrative conclusion and cited an ‘overall failure of care’ and ‘failure to provide adequate nutrition’.

The inquest also found that these failures in care contributed to his death.

An inquest into Joe’s death earlier this month recorded a narrative conclusion and cited an ‘overall failure of care’ and ‘failure to provide adequate nutrition’

Speaking at the inquest, his brother Peter said: ‘We have two questions. Why the delay and did that delay contribute to Joe’s premature death?’

‘Why was there a delay in addressing his nutritional needs?’ asked Peter. ‘Could more have been done to alleviate his bronchial problems?

‘We are looking to avoid future failures. We have got a lot of questions we feel are unresolved, that don’t just reflect on Joe, but on other people with Down’s syndrome.’

He added: ‘We also have major concerns about the quality of care he received at Manchester Royal Infirmary.

Joe with his two younger brothers as children. Speaking at the inquest, his brother Peter said: ‘We have two questions. Why the delay and did that delay contribute to Joe’s premature death?’

Joe with his brother. Giovanni Ulleri had previously told the jury when his brother was born in November 1954 his parents fell in love with the baby who had ‘big eyes and a wide smile’

‘The injuries he suffered were possibly life changing but they did not appear to be life threatening. There was a fragmented approach which gave us serious cause for concern.

‘At MRI the buildings are first rate, but the care is third rate.’

Peter said he had previously raised concerns about Joe being nil by mouth and when he visited his brother two days before his death ‘he had lost a significant amount of weight.’

Two days later Mr Ulleri passed away with his brothers at his bedside.

Joe as a child. His brother said that Joe’s life had enriched that of his three younger siblings and that they had a happy childhood. Their father called Joe ‘a gift from god’

Earlier Giovanni Ulleri told the jury when his brother was born in November 1954 his parents fell in love with the baby who had ‘big eyes and a wide smile’.

‘I remember Dad telling me how Joe was not a burden but “a glorious blessing” and “a gift from God”,’ he said.

Speaking fondly about their childhood he said Joe’s life had enriched all of their lives.

‘He couldn’t talk but he was the best communicator I have ever met,’ said Giovanni.

‘We are still in shock that we won’t see that cheeky, innocent, toothless smile again or receive that gentle pat on the back or the tender embrace from one of his hugs

Joe, pictured cycling as a child, was cremated at his local church, where his family played his favourite song: ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’

‘I’m a better person for having had Joe in my life and so are all our family.’

Peter added he had phoned into a best interests meeting at the hospital on March 16 2016, where it was agreed that a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy, another feeding tube that is inserted into the patient’s stomach through the abdominal wall, would take place on March 18.

The witness said he believed his brother’s condition was deteriorating due to lack of sufficient nutrition, and said he told staff: ‘Why the delay? He could die from this.’

Another witness, Sister Christine O’Grady, worked for L’Arche at the time and said she had ‘grave concern’ regarding the perceived lack of pain relief or nutrition Mr Ulleri was given in hospital.

Joe pictured with his brother’s Giovanni and Peter as children. Peter said he believed his brother’s condition was deteriorating due to lack of sufficient nutrition, and said he told staff: ‘Why the delay? He could die from this.’

She said that before he was made nil by mouth on March 4, 2016, he had started coughing when staff at the Manchester Royal Infirmary attempted to feed him, meaning he had not been properly fed for a considerable amount of time.

Sister O’Grady said to jurors she told a member of staff at the hospital: ‘If you don’t do anything about it, then I will be seeing you in court.’

The qualified nurse said she believed medics had decided to fit Joe with a RIG feeding tube, but was worried because that also involved a tube being placed down his nose and feared he would just pull it out.

‘I did not see Joe for a week because I was off sick, but when I went back to the hospital it was still not in place. I was really concerned about and I told them he was not getting any nutrition,’ she added.

Joe, pictured as a teenager, enjoyed fairly good health up until his death, the jury of seven men and five women heard

Sister O’Grady also said she did not see hospital staff refer to Joe’s ‘traffic light’ hospital passport which detailed his specific needs.

She said she felt staff from L’Arche, the supported living group where he lived, were excluded from his care and were asked to leave the room when doctors and nurses were dealing with him despite the fact ‘we knew his needs’.

Naomi Tomlinson, who was also working for L’Arche at the time of Mr Ulleri’s death, said there seemed to be a lack of ‘joined-up thinking’ at the hospital.

Discussing the communication she had with staff the day before his death, she said: ‘Within 24 hours, there was a very quick escalation from ‘”Joe is not going to die” to “Joe is dying”.’

His brother Peter told the jury of seven men and five women that Joe had enjoyed fairly good health up until the last few years of his life.

One hospital staff member said that ‘within 24 hours, there was a very quick escalation from ‘”Joe is not going to die” to “Joe is dying”‘. Pictured: Joe as a child

‘That could be due to his relative old age for a Down’s syndrome person,’ he said.

Mr Ulleri lived with three other residents at the supported tenancy complex where staff were on duty 24 hours a day.

Despite having a troublesome knee and developing a stoop and poor eyesight he was ‘still mobile and continued to enjoy life’ which was ‘fulfilling’.

He also developed an issue with acid reflux and was diagnosed with Barrett’s esophagus, which can be an early sign of esophageal cancer.

Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust has apologised and promised it will not happen again.

Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust has apologised and promised it will not happen again. Joe’s sister Ria (pictured) said the treatment was ‘cruel and horrific’

His cause of death was given as insufficient nutrition, osteopathic fractures, and pneumonia.

Joe was cremated at his local church, where his family played his favourite song: ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.’

Acting area coroner for Manchester City Angharad Davies told an inquest jury: ‘Whilst in hospital Joe was looked after by a range of different staff, from nurses to speech specialists to dietitians.

‘A decision was made that he would be “nil by mouth” because of concerns he could breathe food into his lungs. A naso-gastric feeding tube was fitted, but that proved problematic and it was only in place for 24 hours.

‘After that Joe had a long period of time when he had no nutritional support, the only support was during that 24 hours when the tube was in place.’

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roughentumble · 6 years

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a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis.

i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--

i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression.

OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.

so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.

something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.

so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies.

cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women.

he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.

he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds.

so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see.

he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day.

ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--

okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i

i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.

and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.

you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!

and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!!

leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.

because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others.

which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!

i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes.

when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”

#long post tag #LIKE. this is simply one example #i still generally go ''nah hes a Dick'' but ive been. more and more. just bein like #''but...................... b- but........ tht poor guy :(''#and im so lost. i feel like im in a wind tunnel of confusion #maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like #getting more comfortable w/ saying im trans and acknowledging im A Dude #so idk. but. still. life is weird and bad and i dont understand #maybe im loosing the Female Perspective. maybe in a month i'll be an incel complaining about Femoids #(im joking)

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vitalmindandbody · 7 years

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Five months of Trump: Muslims’ suspicions were high but neighbors stood by them

Racial and religion tensions have been high in Northampton County following the US election. But Muslim governors have also envisioned a surge in support

In the third largest week of the first Ramadan of the Donald Trump presidency, seven Muslim categories gathered for an iftar dinner to end the days fast at a spacious home in a recently developed neighbourhood of Easton, Pennsylvania.

Men and women congregated in separate rooms. Children with iPhones and twitch spinners led down a hallway and through the kitchen, where sugared years were piled on a sheet and metal bathtub of haleem, chicken biryani, crispy south Indian chicken 65, curry and rice sat warming. To booze, there was mango lassi and milk with rooh afsah and ice water and Coca-Cola.

After sunset, the group had a snack, and then a prayer in the cellar, in a corner opposite a big TV and a deep couch. At the end of the nighttime, Rizwan Butt, president of the Easton-Phillipsburg Muslim Association, shared a word that had been sent to him at the mosque recently, following news reports of a petty cash stealing by an unaffiliated maintenance worker.

The letter spoke TAGEND Hello Neighbor ,

I appreciated in the paper that a being stole from you and I want to help oust some of what was lost.

Be well , [ Signed ]

She transported a check, Butt articulated. I could sit here and tell you a hundred floors like that.

The narratives like that started to accumulate speedily in late January, Butt pronounced, after Trump first announced his ban on travelers from seven Muslim-majority countries, a restriction afterwards amended in order to six.

The reaction in general, since national elections the reaction has been astounding, in a positive way, Butt told.

It was foreboding, he said of the travel costs prohibit. We all understood that this was just the beginning of a broader campaign with an ultimate goal that was defined very well in the[ presidential] safarus, which was censoring more Muslims until something was figured out, whatever figured out is.

Rizwan Butt at the Muslim Federation in Easton. Photograph: Mark Makela for the Guardian

Bracing for potential conflict, the Muslim community instead felt new strings of communication opening, Butt said.

Everyone you can imagine came forward. I received notes at the mosque from neighbors, concerned people from all levels of society, announcing: Were here to stand by you, we dont agree with this, Butt mentioned. Offers to come to the mosque to support the activities related to safety and security. One female called me up and said she is ready to drive the women in local communities around so that they would feel safe. She would take time off work to do that.

When Butt firstly arrived in Easton 17 years ago, he announced, there used to be perhaps five to 10 Muslim categories that he knew of in the immediate domain. Today there are about 100, and more than 1,000 Muslim families in the greater Lehigh Valley. More than 50% hail from south-east Asia, with additional contingents from Turkey and the Countries of the middle east, including refugees, and from the United States itself.

.afill:#65a897 symbol

Can Trump actually clear America great again? The people of Northampton County, Pennsylvania, twice voting in favour Barack Obama, but in 2016 they flip-flop to Donald Trump. This succession will be presenting reports from the former steel district to find out what voters are hoping for, and ask: can Trump deliver?