#because with much research comes the beast that is impostor syndrome | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

enidangleanna1 · 4 years

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Heart of Winter

Icewind Dale. The hours seem longer here. The days don’t feel like days. There is very little sunlight. The cold is unforgiving. Most can only last a few hours journeying through this frozen tundra.

It had been several days since Toruviel set foot in Icewind Dale. She knew it would be many days more, as she traveled alongside Prince Neronvain of the Misty Forest and Yaevinn, one of the most skilled rangers to come out of the forest.

Only the most skilled rangers could survive Icewind Dale. Because of the harsh conditions and windy paths, only an experienced tracker could navigate through the terrain. On top of that, some of the most deadly and dangerous beasts roamed these lands.

The mission was an important one - retrieve tomes from a very powerful wizard, known as Meltharond. Neronvain led the expedition, as he had been researching Meltharond's work for years. The biggest obstacle - this wizard had one of the most powerful enemies at his expense: the ancient white dragon Arveiaturace (better known as Iceclaws).

This is why Toruviel had begun to feel impostor syndrome invading her thoughts. While she was a skilled ranger in her own right, she was nothing close to Yaevinn, a seasoned veteran. And, of course, traveling with the Prince of the kingdom she served put the pressure even more on herself.

“Why did Neronvain choose me?,” she thought to herself that morning as the three of them suited up for the fourth day of traveling through the icy mountain. “Surely there are so many other skilled rangers in our kingdom that could do a better job.”

She kept these thoughts to herself as they ventured out from the small alcove where they had made camp for the night and pressed on through the side of the mountain. Alongside Tor was her beast companion, Arivae the fox. Or Ari, for short.

Toruviel traveled everywhere with Ari, the two were bound together in a special way that any ranger shared with their beast companion. Before venturing out to Icewind Dale, Toruviel was uncertain of bringing Ari with her on the journey - this was the first time she had considered separating from her companion. Her fox had always been a forest dweller and was particularly keen to the warmer climate - she named her little companion after the Elvish word for "sunlight", and Icewind Dale was not a place of much sun.

Ultimately, she knew Ari was a strong and steadfast little creature that would likely adapt to the colder climate even faster than she could. And he did. Within a day, Ari's coat had grown thicker than she had ever seen it. And it even began to slowly change shades of lighter, cream-like orange hues to blend with the environment.

Those who dared to explore Icewind Dale usually had to wait until the sun was at its highest to travel, as that was considered the warmest time of the day. But those sunny hours did not last long. A small window of comfortable travel, at best.

Yaevinn had been tailing a tracks of a potential dragon den that he suspected was nestled along the windy mountain trail. Based on the evidence he had spotted the day before, it would only be one to two more days of travel before they made it.

Toruviel had learned much from Yaevinn during this journey. While Yaevinn had dedicated his life to tracking beasts, Tor's skills lied more in her archery and keen eye for detail.

“Toruviel, keep your eyes up. It looks like there is something - or someone - ahead of us,” Yaevinn said as he looked down at a small trace of remains not far off the snowy trail. “Looks like they tried to cover their tracks, but did a poor job at it. Could only be a few meters ahead of us.”

Yaevinn always made sure to describe every detail of his work to better help Toruviel hone her own skills as a ranger. He had always been a mentor to Tor - as he was much older and had centuries of experience - and she always looked up to him.

Back in the kingdom, Yaevinn had taken a liking to Toruviel and always made time to teach her. Many other rangers and knights that served alongside them had always suspected that he was giving her preferential treatment. These rumors didn’t bother Toruviel much. The fact that she was able to learn to be an expert hunter in only a few years of training, as opposed to the centuries it had taken other elves in the kingdom, meant to her that this was indeed her calling and that Yaevinn was the ideal master.

Toruviel scouted the area ahead to see if she could find an easy opening to keep an eye ahead of the others. She glanced back to see Ari pranced off the trail down an icy alcove sniffing the remains of what looked like bones of a beast. The fox grabbed one in his mouth and brought it to Yaevinn. She could hear Yaevinn talking to Neronvain.

"Bones. From a wolf? Or perhaps a bear. Whatever creature was here likely feasted on this,” Yaevinn described the details to Neronvain.

Neronvain was conjuring some kind of spell on the area, likely to locate or identify the creature. He had his own set of skills in the arcane arts, and was also an exceptional fighter.

Finding a rather bare and icy pine tree, Tor quickly scaled it to get a further look ahead. When she and Yaevinn went on missions back in the Misty Forest, Tor had always been the scout - so naturally she continued these tactics while surveying Icewind Dale. Yaevinn, on the other hand, focused his ranger combat in more close quarters.

Looking out several meters ahead, it seemed there had been snow covered hills that continued for miles beyond, it was hard to believe anything could live up here. Thankfully, today had clear skies with not a cloud in sight, so Tor had good vision of the path ahead.

She quickly spotted movement, though it wasn't fully clear to her what it was. The figure had almost blended in with the white snow. As she continued to keep an eye on it, she gestured to Ari who then returned the message to Yaevinn and Neronvain. Although Yaevinn could not directly communicate with the fox, he had a clear understanding of the danger ahead.

The three on the ground had quietly pushed forward, while Tor remained on the high ground. She quickly drew her bow and honed in on the moving creature - not losing sight of it. It seemed to not be moving much from one small indent between two icy hills.

Tor waited for the three to gain a more advantageous spot before she made any moves, as her sights remained set on the creature, she saw it was not even sitting up while moving. Then, it began to stand up. 8 feet tall at least. It had to have been an ice troll - and it was carrying an icy blue axe with it.

As Neronvain and Yaevinn approached slowly from behind the hill, Tor noticed that Ari had begun moving away from the group and sniffing more. That meant trouble - Ari sensed something else nearby.

“An ambush,” Tor immediately thought. “This is not the only ice troll - there are more nearby.” Her heart sunk as she knew she needed to take her eyes off her target and survey the area around Neronvain and Yaevinn to spot any other danger.

This didn��t make sense in her head, because every other troll she’s seen in the hills west of the Misty Forest had been solitary creatures. Were there more nearby? As she scanned the area, she saw no sign of others.

Then, she heard cracking, the hollow tree she had been hiding in was slowly beginning to wither and break. She quickly made a move to get back on the ground -- and that’s when things suddenly began to take a turn.

As she calculated her path to get back on solid ground, she peered over to the top of the hill, above Yaevinn, where another troll had a boulder, ready to drop on him. The trolls must have been aware of the group’s arrival.

“Yaevinn, up!” Toruviel yelled to him, now at least 20 feet ahead of her. This broke the element of stealth, but gave Yaevinn enough of a reaction to move out of the way before the troll could drop. “How did I miss that one? Should have seen him coming!”, frustrated, she thought to herself.

At this point, Yaevinn was able to quickly scale the hill to take on this troll, while Neronvain continued moving forward toward the other. Toruviel moved quickly to another tree so she could continue to scout from above. Then, three more of them made an appearance from higher ground. She grabbed a flurry of arrows to distract them, and the three quickly drew their attention toward Tor.

The three trolls picked up their pace and moved toward Tor, realizing she was an easy target. She called to her companion to move toward her - Ari was able to distract one of the three for some time. While the other two moved closer and began shaking the tree she was on.

Tor quickly spotted another tree about 10 feet away - and she considered the option of jumping, though it would be quite the jump. Suddenly, one of the trolls pulled out a dart and pinpointed it upward in Toruviel’s path. The dart struck her arm and immediately her arm was covered in ice. One of her arms was immobile for the time being, making her bow useless.

She knew this wasn’t good - while Neronvain and Yaevinn were distracted with their one-on-one combats, she had to face two - and soon-to-be three ice trolls. She jumped down from the tree and drew her shortsword to begin melee combat with her only usable arm.

Taking on multiple, 8-foot giants was a lot for Toruviel, even with her being very quick on her feet. She was able to dodge most of their blows, but then one of them had her grappled. As she struggled to break free, that is when a scimitar came flying from behind and impaled the troll that was about to strike her while still grappled.

The impaled troll fell limp to the ground, leaving only two left. She noticed Ari had signaled to Yaevinn for help, and then she saw him run up and grab his scimitar from the dead troll. He immediately swung at the grappling troll and Tor was able to slip from its grasp and kick his lower legs to deliver a final crippling blow.

Soon, the third troll that Ari had previously been dealing with also fell dead to the ground from a blast of a poison wave from Neronvain’s spell. The two elves had made their way back to Toruviel after dealing with the other trolls and finished the off ambush.

Toruviel fell on her knees into the snow for a second, grabbing her icy arm in pain. Yaevinn immediately kneeled down to her side.

“Tor, are you alright,” he asked with a heightened concern while looking at her arm. “Ahh, my arm is completely numb - I can’t feel anything. That troll struck me with some ice weapon - I’ve not seen anything like it before,” Toruviel explained while grasping her arm.

Yaevinn put his arms on hers, feeling how cold it was. Despite how cold it felt to him, he tried his best to thaw out the ice. He gently helped her up and assisted her movement toward Neronvain. Neronvain, upon inspecting the arm, casted a gentle somatic spell that produced a small flame near her arm, expediting the thawing process. He was careful not to let the fire hit her flesh.

As the feeling began to return in her arm, she could feel the biting cold and it stung hard. She winced in pain and Yaevinn continued to hold her up.

“Easy there - it may sting for a while. You’ll be alright,” Yaevinn said gently to her.

“I’m sorry - I didn’t see the others. I think...it was a trap. There’s no way they blended that well with the ice - I think they had some sort of illusion magic on them.”

Neronvain spoke up, “That doesn’t seem right - trolls can’t cast spells like that. Unless they have arcane items from other means.”

“I should have known better” Yaevinn explained. “Many ice creatures tend to be highly cooperative with their own to ensure survival. You’ll rarely see lone wolf monsters wandering these parts. I should have known there would be more than one. I’m sorry, Tor,”

“It’s OK - I, too, feel ashamed that I wasn’t able to properly track this. I was supposed to be the scout,” Toruviel said with her head down.

“Hey, you still saved me from a giant ice boulder landing on my head - I owe you for that one,” he smiled.

As the pain became less intense for Tor, Ari then rubbed against his master’s legs. She gave him a pet with her good arm and the group continued forward, closer to the caverns.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Another early night. The hardest part of this journey was the limited amount of time that one could travel - it made most of the day seem wasted as the three of them had to begin to make camp early. Especially after today's encounter, it seemed like they made no progress following the events.

To an elf, normally this wouldn’t matter. Elves had all of the time in the world to explore and travel. But Toruviel could sense that Neronvain was very anxious about this particular mission.

Truthfully, Toruviel didn’t mind that the three had to pack it in early. It meant she could to spend more time getting to know Neronvain, whom she has admired for years now. The three of them didn’t have much to do in the bitter, cold nights beside talk. Yaevinn himself was not always full of conversation. So Neronvain and Toruviel did most of the talking.

Tonight, however, as Yaevinn took the first watch as he routinely did each night, Tor made her way over to him, toward the front of the cave. Ari had already nestled himself near the fire that Neronvain was also sitting next to.

Yaevinn never took his eyes off the icy tundra in front of them, so Tor placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey. I wanted to say thank you for saving me today. You arrived just in time before those trolls would’ve had my head. Even when we’re not in the forest - you’re always looking out for me,” Toruviel said to him as she took a seat next to his watch spot.

"Of course, Toruviel. You put up a good fight today - we all had no idea of the ambush. I am the one that is supposed to be the most expert on this area, and I made a mistake. You still handled yourself very well and I'm proud," Yaevinn took a moment to take his eyes off the horizon ahead of them and look at Tor in the eyes, then down at her previously frozen arm. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. At least I fully have feeling back in this arm again. Nothing I can't handle," she had a slight smile on her face as she responded. "You know I learned from the best how to be resilient after any fight." She tugged at his arm playfully.

A rare smile came to Yaevinn's face as she said this. He placed his arm on hers, where a large scuff had been from the now thawed ice and gave her an encouraging look. "We're almost to the end of this journey - and I'm confident you'll be able to handle what lies ahead. Now, go back to the fire and get some warmth, my little protege."

Tor’s smile widened at those words. After taking another moment with Yaevinn she quickly got up to return to her already sleeping fox and Neronvain.

Tor was the next up to take watch, and then Neronvain after. Tonight was an exceptionally cold night as the three nestled inside a small alcove as a storm raged on outside, making the area beyond 10 feet barely visible.

“I feel so bad every time I have to kill an elk for his fur, but damn does this coat keep me warm,” Toruviel said as she buried herself deeper in her long elk cloak. She had taken off the rest of her armor for the night, but that cloak almost never came off her.

“Come on, Neronvain, you must have a few spells that can help keep us warmer," Tor asked as she snuggled up next to her fox, who was still peacefully curled up by the fire. Ari seemed to not have a care in the world while he slept.

“Is the fire I produced not enough, dear? If you’re really that cold, you can have my cloak," Neronvain, who was sitting a few feet from her, was resting his head along the back of the alcove wall.

“I would never take that from you. You are the VIP of this mission, remember?”

“Hmph. No need for special treatment on this journey. We are all in this the same.” He noticed her shivering and moved closer to her, extending his own cloak from his body to partially cover hers.

All three of them would take shifts to keep an eye on the alcove opening. That night, the cold was unbearable. Toruviel could barely get herself to concentrate in her trance-like elven slumber. She only needed a few hours to keep herself recharged for the next day. But tonight, she just couldn’t get herself to trance.

She finally jolted and got hoisted her body up from her resting state. Neronvain, who had been on his turn for watch that night, was leaning against the cave wall and looking out over the alcove, turned to her.

“Having trouble?” He asked.

She let out a small sigh. “Yes, it is impossible to trance tonight. It is so cold. My lips are blue. It hurts to even move my joints. This fire is too weak.”

Neronvain didn’t seem as troubled as she did about the cold. “I don’t know how I’ve gotten used to it so quickly already. Maybe it’s different for you, a high elf. For me, I embrace the cold. The bitterness of these winter nights do not feel like anything to me. Come here.”

He gestured for her to come closer to him. She grabbed her elk furs and scurried the few feet across the cave toward him. Ari opened one of his yellow fox eyes to see where his master was moving to, but once he saw she had stopped near Neronvain he then closed his eyes again and continued to sleep, now near just Yaevinn who was deep in his own elven trance.

Neronvain took his hand and placed it on her shoulder, slowly gesturing for her to lean her body against his. She could feel some of the body heat from him, but as she laid near him she felt shame.

“I want to be stronger than this. I want to be like you and Yaevinn, not afraid to tough the cold. This is so pathetic of me,” Toruviel said while she laid herself on his side.

“Toruviel, you will get used to it. Do not worry, and do not pity yourself. None of the rangers at home were equipped for these conditions. Not a single person at home could have handled this job. We are meant to be forest-dwellers. Not tundra. But I knew I could trust you, and I knew you had the willpower to survive this. Which is why I chose you,” Neronvain reassured her.

In that moment, she felt the most secure she had felt throughout this entire journey. A small part of her still thought that he was just telling her what she wanted to hear in that moment. But as Neronvain gently stroked his hand on her shoulder she felt his warmth and it felt...genuine. The words he spoke were genuine.

She rested her head against his side and slowly drifted into her trance.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

As the days of travel continued on, the group came closer to their final destination. They knew they were getting closer to the dangerous den of Iceclaws. They knew because the caverns nearby had many hot springs, produced by a different red dragon known as Klauth.

One long cavern that stretched about half a mile down had looked safe for the three to rest for the next cold evening. But for the first time since reaching this mountain, they experienced a comfortable, warm atmosphere thanks to the smoldering springs.

Toruviel felt beyond relived. This was the first night she wouldn't be shivering in her cloak. When the three reached a safe location, Tor immediately strung her cloak off and began undoing her gear.

As usual, Yaevinn volunteered himself for taking the first watch of each night. Toruviel assumed he did this so he could get a good scout of the surrounding area and identify any dangers to relay to Tor for the next watch.

With the hot springs producing enough heat in the area to keep the group warm, Yaevinn one more quick scan of the area. “I guess we don't need a fire tonight. I'll go ahead and keep the first watch for the evening."

As he dropped off some of his items and made his way back toward the front of the long cavern with his bow, Neronvain also made haste to remove all of his gear.

"Amazing to see these smoldering hot pools in such a cold place. I've heard much about Klauth and his ability to create springs like these," Neronvain began as he looked down at each of them. The springs ranged from small, 2ft pools to larger 7ft pools. "They remind me of the springs of Lady Summer in the Feywild. not as pleasant an atmosphere, of course."

"Hm, I don't know much about Lady Summer. But sounds like a very relaxing time. I must say these do look inviting," Tor replied as she placed a hand in the nearest pool to check the temperature. It felt good on her arm that had once been completely frozen a few days ago.

"Well, we didn't fight through these icy tundras for a week and make it all the way here just to look at them," Neronvain said with a smile. He then began to undress the rest of his attire.

He made no time at all to remove all of his clothes and slowly dip his body into one of the smaller springs. For a brief second, Toruviel was shocked that he did all this in front of her. She looked away quickly and felt herself flushed.

"Neronvain, we're still in danger here. What if there are creatures around us? What if there's something lurking down there?" Toruviel asked, still slightly looking away. In her awkwardness she hesitated on what to do.

"Good thing I have an expert ranger here to protect me," Neronvain winked, but Tor was not looking at him to see it. "But if you're really that concerned..." Neronvain began conjuring a spell that created a mirage around a 20-foot radius surrounding them. Tor wasn't sure what exactly he casted, some sort of illusion spell.

"Now, come on, Tor. Are you going to just sit there with that blush face of yours, or are you going to join me?" Neronvain asked.

Toruviel felt her heart beating out of her chest. Then the feelings she felt for Neronvain began surfacing again. These feelings have always been there, but then her mind began racing again.

She always felt close to Neronvain. She was a very young girl when Neronvain had saved her and her brother from being sold into slavery. He was quite young back then, too. In a way, they grew up together and Neronvain had always looked out for Toruviel and her brother in a special way. But Toruviel always felt something more for him. She was never fully able to act on those feelings, as he is a prince and she herself is not royalty.

So, for the most part, Toruviel always kept those feelings to herself. She was certain her brother was aware of her feelings for Neronvain, though the two never fully talked about it. But, to her knowledge, not many others knew about this. In a way, it always remained as her secret crush.

There were a few close moments that Toruviel and Neronvain shared in the past, Tor remembered them all very well.

One was another time that Neronvain had saved her life. They were on a mission together when Toruviel had

One was at a royal wedding in the misty forest court, between two noble elf houses. It was a lovely occasion that much of the kingdom and knights attended. That night, many of the nobles and knights had been drinking and having a great time. Neronvain asked Toruviel for a dance, and the two shared a wonderful dance together. She had been so worried that the other nobles would say something about a prince dancing with a knight of his, but Neronvain assured her that he didn’t care about their petty gossip. Toruviel knew for certain that Neronvain’s father, King Melandrach, would not approve of the two having a relationship.

Later in the evening, the two walked out onto the balcony and shared a kiss. It was an evening Toruviel would never forget.

As these moments resurfaced in Toruviel's mind, she realized she needed to keep it cool. She didn't want Neronvain to think she was a hopeless schoolgirl with nothing but doe eyes for him. Even if that was the case. She had to keep it cool.

So she then quickly undressed herself. She wasn't sure if she should fully undress or not. There was a slight hesitation. But he just did it. And he might think it's weird if she doesn’t follow. So her process of elimination thinking and "keeping it cool" mentality led her to conclude she needed to fully undress, too.

She walked over - of course acting cool - and stepped into the hot spring. She wanted to ease into the pool but she was so nervous that she just went fully in as quickly as possible, even if it did burn her skin a bit.

She sat a few inches from Neronvain - she wasn't sure how close she should be from him. Her mind was racing with thoughts So she decided to give him some space. In her continued attempt to "act cool", she stretched her arms and let out a big sigh.

"Ohhh, this feels so good," she exclaimed as she let all of her aching joints relax. "I feel bad that Yaevinn has to take the first watch, but this is so worth it."

"Yes, well he'll be able to enjoy it later. It's nice to be able to relax for a few hours. Shame we can't stay here longer," he said.

"So, it seems Yaevinn has taken quite a liking to you," Neronvain said, after a pause.

"Huh?" Toruviel was confused by his choice of conversation. "Oh, yeah. He has always been such a great mentor to me. I respect him greatly. He's taught me almost everything I know."

"Toruviel, darling, don't be coy," Neronvain began. "It's quite clear he feels something more than that. It doesn't take much to see that he clearly has feelings for you. I've been traveling with you both for so long now and I can see it clear as day."

"Oh...really? You believe that to be true?" Toruviel hesitated. Maybe this was something she noticed, but she never really thought about until someone literally said it out loud to her. She knew he liked her because of her skills as a ranger, but some reason she never associated that it could have been more than that.

"Of course, dear. I find it hard to believe you didn't notice yourself," he responded.

"I guess it was something I thought could have been there..but I didn't fully realize it until you told me now.”

“So, you're telling me you don't feel that way about him?”

“Well, no...not really.”

“Not really? No? Why's that?” Neronvain continued. “Sorry, dear, if I'm being too prying. But you two are very important to me.”

Toruviel wasn't sure how to respond. Well, she knew the reason why. But was this the best time to tell him?

“Because...there's someone else,” she finally said.

Neronvain didn't respond immediately.

“I mean, there's always been someone else. Do you know who?” she continued.

He still did not respond. He looked at her, she was looking down and not making direct eye contact with him as clearly she was nervous about speaking this. But he continued to look at her and wait for her to continue.

“You know...just now you said it,” Toruviel began. She was worried about how he would respond to the next thing she was about to say, but continued anyway. “You literally just said it about me - ‘I find it hard to believe you didn't notice.’”

She paused again, then continued, “Well I find it hard to believe you didn't notice the person I'm talking about is you. It's always been you, Neronvain.”

He still did not immediately respond to her. Making her even more nervous that maybe she shouldn't have brought this up.

"I've always tried to keep my feelings in check, because you are royalty and I'm not. You should be with another noble. And, of course, we grew up together. I wasn't sure if you thought of me as a little sister. But I never looked at you like an older sibling. You were always the person I've had feelings for. Always."

He finally spoke up. "Toruviel..”

Her nervousness led her to begin backpeddaling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up now. Not here. I know, this is kind of weird. This a weird place to do this." She looked down.

"No, Toruviel, I am glad you are telling me this." He never took his gaze off of her the whole time she shared. But she very much did not always look back at him.

He finally reached his arm over to her chin and gently pulled it up so she could look him in the eyes.

"Thank you for telling me this, Toruviel." He said gently go her. He leaned in for a kiss.

The two shared a kiss that was much longer and more intimate than the previous kiss they shared many years ago. Soon the moment became more intimate and passionate between the two.

They spent the next moments in the hot spring, and as things heated up they both excited and shared their moment together in this cavern.

Toruviel was finally able to be one with Neronvain, the person she loved.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

To be continued in part 2:

Fighting the wizard and Ice Claws, getting the wizard’s tomes

Neronvain leaves Icewind Dale to head back to the kingdom after the mission

Tor and Yaevinn spend time alone in Icewind Dale to train

Yaevinn disappears after fighting a Remorhoaz

Toruviel pregnant, spends time in the small village of Ten Towns and raises her son there for a few years

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