#being alive has just been so stressful today why cant people just be normal! literally just be normal | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

geocities · 6 years

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For the last week some kind of virus has been ravaging my body. My fever finally broke for good last night - hopefully? I was sick for five days, bedridden sick, sleeping for 16 hours a day sick. 101 + fever all of the time, couldn’t get it to break for shit. I had insane fever dreams and part of me wondered if I would just die, like those flu horror stories or maybe it was actually an IUD infection or something that was eating my organs alive. I had weird flashbacks of specific childhood feelings, but this time they were exceedingly warm and fuzzy, which is not normally the lens through which I view my childhood when my brain isn’t on fire. At the same time, a plumbing mishap has effectively destroyed my house for the majority of the last week. The first plumbers destroyed our stuff – got drywall and sewage all over our kitchen, including in the cabinets and fridge, used our bath towels to clean up the mess, left my toothbrush out to get coated in the shit. They threw out the bidet! My butt will never be clean again. We had to throw out a lot of our stuff and not use the kitchen and bathroom for a long time and the landlords are trying to let us take $100 off rent but honestly not being able to have a orderly house or know where my toiletries are or not have my dishes covered in wall particles is worth way more than that, not to mention the actual monetary value of what we had to throw away. Today is the first day I’ve had the energy to care or think about it, and now that I’m thinkin’ about it I’m totally stewin’ about it.

I had my observation last week and I killed it; I did better than I’ve ever done on an observation in my life. It was also the first observation where my nerves weren’t getting the better of me, and a brain specialist had some to speak to us the week before about how we talk and use our facial muscles and how kids can only learn when they feel safe, and I really think it helped. Who would have thought that we literally can’t learn when we are stressed? Hahaha almost everyone probably minus anyone in charge of CPS at any given time. And then on Wednesday I rode back from a field trip with three other white female teachers, coming down with the flu by this point, and they thought it was a safe space to debate the merits of Black Lives Matter and had a lot of Hot Steamy Dump Takes like “I’m being punished for slavery but I didn’t do anything” and “why cant we all just get along” and “it should be All Lives Matter” and “people shouldn’t run from the cops if they don’t want to get shot” and an unfortunate introduction to a racial slur I’d never heard before in my life, and “it’s equal now, and actually some of my friends kids cant get into schools because they’re not African American” and “if I were racist would I teach in Englewood?” and my feverish ass screaming “A BLUE LIFE IS NOT A THING” and getting yelled at and trying to explain housing segregation and police violence to a bunch of cop apologists from Mt. Greenwood; literally one of the worst experiences of my life.

So anyway we started watching the Sopranos

The first season of the Sopranos deals a lot with the nature of familial duty (lol duh Lauren it’s a show about the mob!) but I mean it more like the way Tony navigates his feelings about his mother – Melfi’s rational instinct to call the relationship what it is – troubled, shitty, abusive maybe – is so heavily rejected by Tony – “hate my OWN mother???” Mob mentality is a good template for this; not “mob mentality” in the common parlance, but literally the mentality of people in the mob and the purported values, traditions, and structures that dictate their lives. The charm of this show for me is this; take away the severity of the actual violence and murder and extortion and the value system is entirely relatable. I can’t find my place in this new world where conflict is abuse and everyone is Toxic and everything is about asserting your individual right to peace out of situations and relationships that don’t fully serve you. That’s some real Midwestern shit or West Coast shit, I don’t even know. Manufacturing ways to feel assertive and in control – self-care industry, new fixations on astrology, conspicuous consumption of houseplants, selfies and talking about mental health in a vapid way on social media. Maybe it’s cathartic for them but to me it reads as more of the same vanity. I can’t relate to it. A lot of people seem to, as any hours-long meandering down an Instagram hole will demonstrate. That’s the reason I love my friends, it’s because we don’t play that shit. We validate each other and it’s enough and thank god for that. I don’t have a peaceful energy and I never will and I can’t chop off the aggravating parts because I need them too. I need a manual, I need on-the-ground tactical advice for dealing with my family. I’ve learned it myself by surrounding myself with people who don’t speak to me that way, and so I don’t speak that way back anymore. I regress when I’m around them, but I also want to be near them all of the time. I don’t want to know how to cut them out or name their crimes, I want to move forward. I fantasize about moving to New Jersey to be closer to everyone and to be closer to good deli meats and better Italian food. I want to eat pasta out of a Parmesan wheel. I want the gabagool! I want my parents to babysit my kids and scream at me every day for the rest of my life. I want more complicated advice for less complicated problems, because at the end of the day my life is good and I can’t complain. I will continue to complain about not having eaten out of a Parmesan wheel yet. But Kevin Smith (New Jersey man of moderate fame) wrote that thing about dying and how it was fine, because life was a gift, which I think is what my fever dreams were trying to tell me.

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greenflamedwriter · 3 years

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Shiro Sides: Chapter Two

Shiro came back home and returned to “The sitting room.”

“Why do you call it that? Want to add a ™ while we’re at it?” Lance asked sitting on the arm rest, Shiro raised an eyebrow as one by one his...sides appeared before him.

Pidge his logical side, dressed in a suit and large glasses that they always pushedback on their nose with short croped hair.

Hunk his morality, he wore a blazer jacket that made him look snug and soft his hands always raised and covered in fingerless gloves. Shiro did have a craze back then.

And then there was Lance his creativity, he wore a garrison uniform but had a tassel on the side of his arm that made him look like a prince, or a character from Utena.

“Why even have a sitting room, your a Captain now shouldn’t we have a better living space?” Lance gestured and Shiro sighed, they had this conversation before.

Truthfully, he didn’t want to move, he hated change.

“Its fine- plus the house is already payed for.” It was left to him in his parents will another reason why he didn’t feel like moving.

Honestly he wondered why Lance was even here? he raley had to get creative and most of the ideas Lance had were mostly ridiculous. Like moving, and that was just one example…

“Alright but why the sitting room? Why not te kitchen- it at least has chairs!” Lance almost fell off he arm rest and instantly Shiro felt embarrassed

“Well it’s starting to become a regular occurance isn’t it? It’s like a therapeutic group thing with fictional people.”

“Don’t tell your subordinates that. How about you go for a real therapist.” Lance asked and that was another dumb idea. Shiro? Therapy as if.

“Look I don’t see the point of this anyway,” He tossed his coat onto the couch and had half a mind to collapse into it.

“Honestly I feel fine and relaxed and happy for once.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Shiro along with everyone else screamed “What the what!”

Lance fell off the arm rest for real.

Hunk yelped and Pidge moved away from the spot near the staircase into the hallway to avoid their new arrival.

A teenager dressed in a crop jacket with jaggard black hair and fingerless gloves, he was sprawled on the staircase looking pretty grumpy.

“Who the heck are you? Are there more of you waiting to pop out.”

The kid shrugged “Keith, also I was late to the party and thought now was a good time to pop up. With how relaxed you were feeling.” He smirked sprawling further on the staircase.

Shiro had no idea why but he felt a curl of irritation not at the apparition before him but more that he should know this kid, that he felt familiarity from him.

“Ugh, Keith.” Lance voice dripped with irritation “Why did you show up, didn’t you hear? Shiro’s fine, now buzz off.”

Keith crossed his arms “He’s lying, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” Shiro could only watch unsure why the two were fighting.

“Wait- you didn’t tell me why you were here.” Keith blinked “oh um, I’m your anxiety.” He squared up waiting for the inevitable, Shiro finding him annoying and wanting him to leave, if only he could he wasn’t the villain here he was a part of him.

“Wait my anxiety? So you’re the reason why I survived! With that I would’ve died.” Keith blinked looking...off footed “Um you’re welcome?”

“I don’t mind!” Shiro said finally looking more at ease, he was more wary of the unknown than what he thought Keith originally was.

“Wait- you’re not...upset that I’m here?”

“Of course not? Why would anyone be upset with a fire alarm? Sure it was only a burnt piece of toast but a fire could happen, being anxious all the time is fine, it's easy to talk through it.” Pidge nodded glancing at Keith.

“Sure logic can ease anxiety and feelings- I don’t see the point of them- they are valid if you feel something then it’s real in that moment and easy to calm down.” Hunk gave his input “Like crying!”

“Huh?”

“Crying ever notice after a good cry you feel better after?” Lance could only glance back and forth “Are you guys kidding me? Crying is a bad thing you’re not supposed to cry to the point where it’s normal and aren’t we forgetting this is Keith here! A bad side.” Keith scowled “I didn’t ask to be like this.”

“Lance.” Shiro scolded.

Lance gaped “Wha- but this is Keith we’re talking about here! He is literally your anxiety and causes you distress.” Shiro had had enough “Lance, Keith is the reason why I’m even alive today.”

“Yeah but he’s stressing you out- and stress kills! Look even your hair is turning white!”

“I’m fine! There's nothing wrong with me or Keith! He’s done his partas have Pidge and Hunk but what have you done? You talk big but I din’t see what you bring to the table what reason do I need to be creative?”

The others stared and Lance looked distraught.

“I- you, “ his face closed off and he took a breath “You know what? Fine, talk about your issues with eachother or better yet don’t just bottle it up like you always do Shiro.” His eyes were watering but Shiro was still angry enough to not only care but relish in the fact.

“See how you do without me.”

Lance disapeared and that was when Shiro felt distressed, he realised lance was a part of his pride and with him gone- no it shoukd be fine everything was going to be fine.”

Everything was NOT fine.

Shiro was a mess, really. His hair wasnt combined he had bags under his eyes and he had a speech today and usually he could think of inspirational speeches on the spot but now?

His minds a blank. Thank god he write it down but it sounded flat- cheap.

Even the young cadets looked unsure.

He had so many meetings he snapped more he had no patience and everything was just goig sideways.

Until…

“Take a day of captain, you’ve been working too hard.” Iverson said and Shiro had to gape.

Workig too-

He barely got anything done today?

So he stirmed home and thats where they all were.

His sides

“What happened!?”

Pidge sheugged “Lack of sleep? Protein maybe you are working too hard.”

“Either way people are disapointed in us.”

“Not now keith-”

“Arent we forgetting something important?”

“Like what?”

“Wheres Lance?”

“Does it matter?”

“What? Of course it matters Lance’s whole core personality is being an actor and Shiro you have always been a mess Lance was able to hide that!”

“No- I’m nlt always a mess-”

“Not always but close enough, Lance quote was always fake it till you make it!”

“We dont need him!”

“Oh yeah? How did that motivational speech go, Takashi?”

“...”

“Or the stratergy meetings? Your usually good at those, but not today you had no input, your mind was a complete blank.” Pidge crossed their arms “Lance is your creativity and Keith is your instincts, Hunk is your morales and I’m logic. We are all an important piece.”

“...and we made Lance feel like he wasnt wanted.”

“We have to being him back!”

“How?”

“We’ll fogure it out while you think of a good apology for Lance.”

One moment there were in his living room, the next?

He was in a white space.

“Um are you sure this is right?”

“I think I missed the turning sonewhere.”

“No this is Lance’s room.”

“Room?” Shiro asked against the splitting migraine from all the white.

Until they heard a sound like paper theough a shredder and turned to see.

A boy surrounded by a clutter of junk, like a room slowly being chipped away by reality.

The boy held a console over a bin and almost destroyed it until Pidge yelped “Dont you dare!”

He turned startled and the kthers froze to see-

“Lance!?”

“Dont look at ne I’m hideous!” He yelped covering his face, he didnt look that bad, his hair was a mess, he wore an oversized cardigan and had the most chic glasses on his face.

He looked confortable.

He paused paused “Oh yeah it doesnt matter anymore.” He turned tossing a poster into a bin, and Shiro realised he saw what it looked like it was his pokemon poster he begged his mom for- why did he care about it again?

Then Lance took the trophy Shiro won at karate ad Shiro felt indignation he worked hard for that-

It fell in the trash and Shiro forget why he cared.

Wait.

Lance picked else up and Shiro stomped forward grabbing his arm “Stop it!” Lance looked stuned his glasses falling down his nose.

“Lance? What are you doing?” Hunk asked calmly and Lance scoffed.

“Whats it look like? i’m taking my dumb shit and I’m leaving your perfect life no need to hold you back right?.”

“Lance we didnt say that-”

“But you were thinking it!”

Lance smiled “Shiro I’m a part of you- being too hard on me is saying you are too hard on yourself I think…” Lance held out his arms.

“We both need to give each other a break.” Shiro relaxed and easily fell into the embrace.

“I cant help but think… you look like someone I know.”

“Well Maybe were all inspirations of someone you know?”

Shiro leaned back “No, I mean…” he stared at Lance his glasses tettering on his nose and his soft grown hair.

“You remind me of Adam, I never treated him right either- I pushed him away and made him feel like he wasnt important when thats not true!” Lance blinked looking touched that Shiro compared him to his fiance- ex fiancé.

That was going to hurt like a bitch.

“And not just you, Pidge you remind me of my best friend Matt, he always told me when I was wrong and helped me figure things out and Keith reminds me of my younger self, Lance I dont think Keiths better than you I just find myself relying on him more.”

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anneriddle19 · 6 years

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10 Things to know about the social services field

I know what you’re thinking, “okay, social services is all a bunch of do-gooders” “World changers” “fixers” ect.. Well, while some of that is true, there is so much more to the field of social services and even more to be said about the number of people who had no formal social services training, but somehow found themselves in the midst of this absolute shit storm. Well, welcome to the circus folks, hope you brought some tap shoes and your clown costume because as a social worker you will be preforming in it. Let’s have a look at the field of social services and all of its glory... which brings me to my first point. I know, you’re already thrilled about this read.

1. There are very few ‘Glamorous’ social services jobs.

I know what you’re thinking, I thought the same thing.. ‘But wait, what about school social workers, they look cute, provide some counseling and get summers off’ WRONGO. If I remember my highschool days as vividly as I believe I do, and trust me I truly wish I did not.. You were either in one of three groups.

Group 1, the obvious the popular kids..who more often than not were kinda assholes to everyone outside of their group. However, I will say lets acknowledge the ever common exception which is the perfectly beautiful jock who was insanely popular and also the nicest guy on the planet.. right? right. Okay, maybe that was just at my school.

Group 2, the kids that were neither here nor there (this is where I was) I wasn’t necessarily unpopular, but I absolutely didnt find myself invited to the parties where all the cool kids hung out. The one or two times I was invited I felt like I was being done some type of favor, I remember wanting to ask “did your mom talk to my mom” (this literally stems back to my mom making all of my friends throughout childhood but thats another blog for a day I’ve had a glass of wine or two) After group 2 is the apparent and ever present group 3. Even if most of us dont want to admit it a lot of us might have floated in and out of that one, those were the rebels, the tough kids, the ones labeled as weird and the ones more often than not that may have known the ISS teacher quiet personally. No shame on those kids, I was in there a few times too. Point is, who do you think the school social worker/counselor is working with? The kids who have supportive parents and a great home life.. again WRONGO, those kids that got caught smoking pot in the theater? Yep, those are the kids a social worker is more likely to come in contact with. The kids who did coke off a bathroom toilet? Yep, those kiddos too. Most prominently, the kids that dont have the home life a lot of us were fortunate enough to have, yeah those kids.. I think that sounds pretty tough, I’m sure its an incredibly rewarding job... but just like any other facet of social services comes with some really hard clients. This was just one example. The reality is social workers dont have clients referred to us because their life is perfect. Its often the very opposite.

2. You’re going to get cussed at.

It will more than likely happen DAILY. You might as well accept that now and just buck up, because this is true in every facet of social work. it does not matter how well you do your job, how great your case notes are, or if you are completely caught up on every bit of your paperwork (dont worry I’m getting to the paperwork) someone somewhere is going to probably call you a dumb bitch, and all you can do is smile at them.. well for the most part. I would highly suggest putting some of that great social work training to use and refraining from smacking that absolute shit out of that person. Take my word for it, that happens to me all the time, I just smile and nod.

3. Case notes will very literally END you just accept it now

You will NEVER (I’m sorry that’s a little harsh) IT IS INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY that you will ever find yourself sitting in your office.. if you even have one of those amazing private spaces... scrolling through cute pictures of puppies and doing some online shopping because all of your case notes are done. Just go ahead and accept it now and your life will be SO much easier. In the age of technology we live in now, everything has a GIF to describe it. So if social work case notes were a GIF, they would come in the form of an infinity pool.

4. An acceptance of dark humor is an actual requirement for this job

People are going to say some weird shit to you and around you. Nope, I’m not talking about your clients I am talking.. you heard it here first folks, Co-Workers. Now, let me first say your Co-Workers in social services are your saving grace and should be treated as such 24/7, 365. These people are in this crazy shit with you..so that is why this point has to be made. You are going to have some weird occurrences, and if it doesn't happen on almost a daily basis you may actually be the secretary. BUT, it is so important to remember that everyone copes with things differently, and I’ve found a lot.... I mean A LOT use dark humor as a coping mechanism and that is totally fine. Just know, if you enter the field of social services this is something you will come into contact with. I am always a fan of speaking your mind, if someone says something that takes things a little too far I’m all about telling them to take it down a notch..but if it is a co-worker who is just trying to cope the best way they know how, grin and bear it or walk away.

5. You HAVE TO learn how to cope with the stresses of this job or you will be eaten alive.

There will be nights (I know because I’ve had them) where you wake up from a nightmare only to realize it was some horrible thing that you heard or saw at work that day. There will be times when a client tells you something that makes you feel like you’re throwing up.. but they may have just gotten started telling their story. There will be long meetings, butting heads with clients and co-workers, lost files, misplaced info, and on top of that there will be more days than not where you bring that all home with you (lets be honest god bless the people who actually date social workers because you are the real MVP). When I say cope, I do not mean go home and go out drinking with your buddies, even though if I’m being honest, most of us have done it that way. You have got to find ways of doing things that bring you happiness and incorporate that into your every day routine. If that means the only thing that really makes you feel better is chocolate ice cream, well I’m sure Sam’s club sells in bulk. If it’s the gym, get after it girlfriend.. WHATEVER it is, do it, and do it often. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had instructors tell my classes that we have to take care of ourselves, and it wasn't until recently that I really started to. It will not only help you feel better but it will make you a better social worker. The more clear your mind is the better you can focus, and we all know this job requires your full and undivided attention.

6. It is perfectly OK to be tired

I mean this physically, spiritually and emotionally. It is perfectly okay to acknowledge that today you just werent as on top of your shit. Maybe you snapped at a client, maybe youre behind on your paperwork, maybe you’re starting a new job and you feel like you’re kinda drowning. Oh wait, that last one might have been me. Just let those feelings exist, notice their presence and move on with your day. No one is a perfect social worker, and quiet frankly I wouldn’t want to be. Sometimes the best thing for a client is to see that their social worker is just like them, we struggle to and remind yourself that is part of this job.

7. Dont ever forget why you started

Everyone has a reason that they chose the journey of social work. Never lose sight of you reasoning, this is much more than a profession, it is a calling.

8. Learn to love the chaos

Everyone says that a huge part of social services work is flexibility. As a new social worker its incredibly easy to become super overwhelmed when you have a million different things going on, multiple clients at one time, phone calls coming in (the works). I promise you there will be a day where your life slows down and you will wish you could be right back in this middle of that chaos. I remind myself of this everyday. Take a deep breath, you’re fine you were totally made for this.

9. Find what grounds you

For me that’s my mom and dad. Theyre actually the best people I know and my best friends. Isn’t that neat and incredibly cheesy all at the same time? But seriously, whether you are grounded by your faith, friends, family (or anything really) make yourself aware of those things and keep what grounds you close to you because on your WORST days, that can sometimes be the only thing that will keep you sane.

10. Recognize your worth

Not everyone was made for this field and that’s perfectly okay. Some people love having normal jobs and normal lives with a white picket fence and two golden retrievers. Not us, we love working for little to no pay, with the most difficult of the difficult. Some really tough clients are handed to us and we work with these people to transform their lives into what they had hoped to see their lives looking like. We provide people with guidance and wisdom and hopefully allow people to see themselves how we see them. Worthy. Everyone deserves the right to be treated fairly and everyone deserves to receive help.. and we just so happen to be the people who offer that. You don’t go into social services seeking gratitude, you go into it because you love people, even when they dont love you back, and you believe in people even when they cant believe in themselves.... and that makes you worth quiet a bit, if I do say so myself. Pat yourself on the back every once in a while and smile knowing you are making ‘the impossible job’ a possible one.

-cheers to my fellow social workers, may your humor be dark, may your people be supportive and may your self care involve a good balance of chocolate and cardio

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biwikrie · 7 years

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everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december.

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class.

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book.

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me.

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess.

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty.

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much.

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore.

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging.

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it.

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?)

#leftradish vent #tw: sucide mention

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