#bleh. i wanna draw 😫

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#god. the thing abt traditional media is that u end up with so much stuff #like i have 90 billion papers to throw out. so many drawings over the past 4 years #they gotta go. im not taking them with me. ill keep only the ones that spark joy haha #ill probably dump all the old clay dolls i made like i think when i 1st got here #back when i actually did things lol. maybe ill keep my tenz0 mask bc its cool haha #im gonna b sore from all the scrubbing i did today and theres only more scrubbing tomorrow 😭 #this is basically my moveout deepclean but i still have a month to b here. theyre just inspecting Tuesday #bleh. i wanna draw 😫 #also... fingers crossed. knock on wood. but i have verbal confirmation on an apartment. hopefully ill b able to sign this week 🤞🤞🤞 #that would be so fucking amazing. the lady texted me this morning and for a sec i thought i might puke lol #unrelated #also i opened one of those dentist bags that i had for some reason and found it full of all thr hair i cut off in January #why did i put it in there???? y not just throw it away????

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#this just in: local algae enthusiast shocked to find that u feel bad when u dont take care of yourself >:-[ #this is bullshit. i am rattling the bars of my cage and also i am standing outside the door with the key #what do u mean i cant not sleep enough. intensely focus for 6.5hrs nonstop and have to take care of additional stuff floating around. #and then spend all my time agonizing over not being productive enough? #ugh. its exhausting. and its one thing to live like this and love what ur doing. its another when u dont fucking care so all ur time feels #empty and pointless bc all u do is work. bleh i just wanna draw all the time but coloring takes so much time when u wanna make complicated #things :-( so its like draw something new or spend 3hrs coloring and i hate coloring :-P #its also frustrating bc when i read papers associated with the work ill be doing in the fall i actually enjoy it #and thats what i wanna do in my free time but that space is so limited bc working takes up all the space #and drawing takes a lot of time. but hey i can cut out more space by not taking care of myself 😎 #ugh. dont b like me. draw a healthy line between academia and life #otherwise its like yay reviewers have approved ur 1st authored paper and im like i could not even begin to care #light all my data on fire for all i care. i would feel nothing #and im not gonna rake od measurements today. fuck u. im tired and if i accidentally killed a culture ill be sad #ugh. but i should. but i have to do some coding before the end of the day and i cant if i have to spend another hr here 😫 #ugh. just a few more months #unrelated

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#ok. ok. in less than 8hrs i have to get up and drive to the airport. and thats ya kno but im trying to b ok abt it #like im not crying and hyperventilating. ive made the drive lots of times. its just. when i have to drive anywhere it morphs into #r u ready? ur gonna cause a horrible accident destroying multiple lives in the process. r u ready? and im like no i hate that stop #so that makes it hard. and im not a bad driver. it just terrifies me thst i space out and become non reactive. like thsts not good. be #reactive pls. i just hate it. and this means i also have to drive back as well. while probably horribly jet lagged #bleh. itll b fine. unless it isnt. but itll b fine. im just scared that something will happen and i wont b able to leave. i cant even b #excited abt going on vacation bc i cant think past the possibility of something preventing me from getting to ohio bc if i let myself get #excited then it wont happen. which is magical thinking nonsense but its how it feels. ugh. dont think abt it. itll be over in 24hrs 🤞 #knock on wood. idk what im gonna do while traveling tho. what am i gonna think abt? what to draw? what to plan? idk #the bad part of traveling is thst i cant take all my markers 😫 me and my 500 shitty alcohol pens lol #ill either draw a lot bc im not working or very little bc ill actually be happy for a while #oh god. my boss just sent an email. i wanna ignore it. let me rest. #bleh. last time i flew home i wanted to cry when i landed lol. well see if that happens again #i feel like i was more depressed then but im more fucked up now. but like im also more functional. well. sorta #ugh. i should finish packing #unrelated #its so funny to me when i get homesick like lol bitch u wanna go back to ohio????