#breachspeak
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too much of a coward to take any sort of meaningful permanent chance in my life.. we love to see it i suppose.
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resident failgirl boyfailure here to tell you it doesnt fucking matter how hard you try you will Always fuck up and be bad uwu
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yeah real fucking easy t say if you like your work or you're not a working professional. every fucking day of my life is a clear competition with others who are better than me and younger than me for precious few spots in the field, precious few clicks on Instagram, precious few dollars from people's wallets. And I'm always going to fail that engagement, unfortunately. you can't observe when you know why they're better than you and you know you're inherently too lazy and unwilling to study or grind or grow that you'll never get to there anyway, so why even fucking bother? why fill your head with fluff and cotton and nonsense about 'doing your best' and 'being inspired by them' when they'd kick you to the curb first thing for a job interview if they saw that persons work and yours side by side? when you know you're too fucking much of a failure to ever begin to reach up to their level, in a million lifetimes?
im just. im fucking tired, man. there's no advice out there for people like me because we're too far fucking gone to bother with.
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really truly how can i expect to be 25! 26! 30! 50! and be happy at this point. How do you make this mundane drudgery that will only result in stress and debt and loss and grief and less and less and less into something happy when you can barely handle yourself as is and have no energy and no time and make nothing and do nothing and ARE nothing at this point. I don't have an SO and likely at this point never will. My friends are married or partnered or career driven and have goals and aims and future plans where I simply don't know what I would want to do if given the chance to plan for five or ten or twenty years into the future. I'm unable to bring myself to do any improvements to my life and I'm just distracted and tired and wishy washy and burnt out and ... ugh. my life feels like such a waste but i know I'd be letting too many people down if I finally gave up altogether.
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I guess I only recently just registered that I don't... see a future for myself, really. Not at all. The idea of my life growing or changing or me becoming a better different person or of having more is just completely foreign to me. I can't even envision myself being older or having a family or house. Maybe a pet, maybe. I can just barely envision myself in a one bedroom apartment... alone. By myself. About my current age.
I guess this is really what they mean when people say they couldn't see themselves making it past 20 or 25 or 30. They didn't necessarily just think they were going to die, but just that they couldn't believe that future would exist.
I guess that's where I am now.
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I wish I could see myself having a future. I guess the only guarantee that I will is that I'm too much of a coward to kill myself
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It's unfortunate that I really genuinely don't believe that I have much to look forward to in my life except for more stress and more debt and more heartache and loneliness. Like I wish, I wish, I wish I didn't feel this way. I want to feel like I have a promising future or like my life will be fulfilling and happy and warm someday. But it's really not.
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i just wish i could talk to someone, anyone, literally Anyone, about how I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life. like i just want to have a real open discussion about it with someone who will understand what I mean and what I'm saying. I'm not saying Ill be alone forever because I'm low on self esteem, I can pull a man. I just don't have faith in anything ever working out. In any fit really being good. In any guys being available, in any of my odd eccentricities being accepted or compatible, etc. Like no matter how much the universe wants it to happen I think I might just have been built. Wrong. for dating and human connection in general. I think I just don't Have The Ability to Do It.
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I'm just so jealous of the transmasc ppl who had naturally masculine features and didn't have to work as hard to look masc. Like good for u having a round or square jaw and heavier set bone structure and your great transition pics but I'm a tiny hourglass figure petite featured face nightmare and will never be read as anything be WOMAN!!!!! In all caps no matter how hard o try. Trying to loom masc just makes everything look more apparent and Worse it's like the universe is telling me I shouldn't even try.
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im mid enough that im never going to be special enough to justify the problems i bring to a relationship. why so mid. me to me.
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wow i wish i felt truly passionate about anything anymore
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Like I might fuck up and knock into people or mess up the kitchen from being clumsy sometimes but at least I have the decency to apologize and make up for it by cleaning instead of acting like I've never ever done anything wrong
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i know this is the "ask for help" website but people need to understand that when your idea of "ask for help" is "vaguely mention your slight discomfort or struggle with a task and hope someone deigns to stoop to your level to take it away from you" then saying "you should always ask for help!" is actually Unhelpful because. Well sure. that's all very nice to say. but How.
How do you ask for help without a) looking like a little idiot baby who can't do anything for themself and cries about simple things, b) being a burden to other people and making them hate you for it, or c) only getting help from people because they pity you or feel like they can't say no.
And it's not just the asking. How do you even Know when to ask for help???? It's a nightmare top to bottom and easier to just muscle through by yourself, to be frank.
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ive fucked up so bad. so so fucking bad today at work. i basically unintentionally told my art director 'fuck off im not doing that' to his face and didnt realize it until he started getting passive aggressive and backing off and couldnt reverse course in time. and now im.
FUCKED!
all because i had four hours of sleep and im so overtired by ability to read social cues and understand requests at work have absolutely gone out the fucking windowwwwwwww i hate myselffffffff
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turns out ive become my shitty messy roommate's emotional support roommate and now have to ease all her anxiety spirals and soothe her self-deprecating behavior and VET HER FOOD FOR HER (im starting to think she has a food based paranoia) which would be fine i GUESS if we were close friends, but she's only been living here since nov/dec (four months at best) and i'm seething and fucking pissed at her all the time for not being able to apparently clean up after herself even minimally. she leaves her dirty clothes all over the bathroom and throws dishes all over and LEAVES HER FOOD OUT ON THE COUNTER ALL DAY. like girl no wonder you think you're gonna get sick from your food, you literally are because of your own behaviors. jesus christ on a cracker.
also she complains to me about her straight cis man boyfriend being cis and straight and "tricking her into liking him (????)" when shes the most 'queer in name only' white liberal woman ive ever met in my life. girl of course he did you dont even go to queer events or engage w the community. the extent of your queer community discussion is like. drag race and liking girl in red. sit down. i know theres also internalized queerphobia being externalized there i need to work through but also... of course you are dating a cis straight man, girl. you look and act exactly like a straight cis woman.
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