#but also for the like. physical resurrection??? in my religion??? fuck no. i DONT want that

[soldier-poet-king]

Spent so long trying to separate my brain from the vague and undefined essence of My Being to survive the Mental Illness that I basically re-enacted Gnosticism 2.0 and not to be like, that's why my OCD emerged later than my more common flavoured generalized anxiety& chronic depression Brainrot, but it definitely Did Not Help. And now that I am (sometimes) at peace with my mind and given that I am no longer spending every waking moment trying to stay alive I have time to reflect on the lasting body-mind-soul division that I've created for myself and like. It fuckin sucks. I hate the body. I hate that I hate the body and being an incarnate creature. But also. It's so bad wrong awful. And tbh I still hate the mind a lot many days too!

#anyway bryn ur post is SO right and u are as always. correct #i just didnt wanna hijack it w rambles #but yeah.theee mental illness has done a number on me in many ways #but yeah the uh. body. we hate to see it. hate to have it. #smtn smthn tmg hebrews 11.40 i will get my perfect body back someday #if not by faith then by the sword im going to be restored. vibe. of it qll #also in the sparrow 2 emiliom talks abt this. and why he cant just get over what happened to him physically #because it was also a repeated assault of his soul #like yeah theres a lot of dynamics there re. divine abandonment and assault. but hes basically right #viz. my own hm horrible terrible no good very bad existence #sometimes i am terrified of eternity not for the usual reasons (im always terrified for those reasons its the ocd and existentialism) #but also for the like. physical resurrection??? in my religion??? fuck no. i DONT want that #i have to be stuck in this stupid ass form forever? #i cant even *** to get out of it ITS FOREVER #i want. to be a genderless shapeless benevolent void. maybe i can take on physical form when i want need #like the angels. i dont want THIS #anyway yeah yeah I'm trying but it just keeps getting harder #nothing fits right or looks right and im at the mercy of genetics giving me a body i dont want #and I cant even just sweat it out in agony bc oh boy look! youve now developed chronic joint pain TOO #if i cant look like i do in my mind i might as well be strong and powerful #but oh no. bitch is gonna get SO many physical ailments too #I DON'T WANNA DIE BUT I DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS #franposting #brought to u by. button up shirt didnt sit right today. hips too thick for anything. have a whole extra goddam organ in my stomach #which i hate and do not want or need #etc etc etc