#but he's my favourite kpop vocalist of the last DECADE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aquanocturne · 3 years

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hello everyone,

so, this is the first time in 2+ years that i've spoken on this blog. for whatever reason, quite a few of you have followed me in the last few months of 2020! i'm very thankful, as i do not create and post content of my own and act moreso as an archive of sorts.

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tw: suicide/self harm.

i know that this is a hard day for some people. what happened on this day is something my mind still automatically thinks of first whenever i see the words, "dec(ember) 18(th)". i still remember the exact day this happened.

2017 was one of, if not the most rough years of my life—by far. i haven't lived for very long of course, but almost everything that has transpired during that year stays quite fresh during my mind: both the good and the bad. december was the month that i had finally cracked and decided i couldn't keep going.

my friends and i were having a game night out, and my boyfriend at the time whom... i honestly still have a complicated relationship with was driving a friend and i back home. for some reason, he had brought up the fact that "one of the shinee members commited suicide today, i think his name started with a 'j'?".

both my friend and i were no longer active kpop fans, and hadn't been shawols for years, but both of us had gasped. "oh god, he was one of my favourite members", we both said.

for the rest of the drive home, the car was completely silent. my friend had left and entered her house meekly, and i had done the same after having talked to him about what to do for the rest of the month and what we would do for the future. my heart still aches just thinking about how the future we had planned together was cut short a few months ago, but that's a different story.

when i entered my house, the first thing i did was google jonghyun's name. i hadn't even taken my coat off. my eyes frantically searched for any news articles, but there were none. what did come up though, was his wikipedia page. even from just the preview description i felt like choking on my tongue: the word "is" was replaced by the word "was". i opened the page and saw both a date of birth along with a date of death. it felt unreal. everything around me felt silent and i just sank into a dining room chair. afterwards, i searched specifically about what had transpired.

reading his suicide letter felt numbing. all of the things i had seen of him from the past few years were glimpses into things both him and shinee had been up to. nothing seemed wrong, the boy i knew from back when i was a fan was still cheeky, caring, ambitious, and sweet. he had only grown older and more mature. but the words and feelings in his letter came from someone that couldn't handle how difficult life had become for him—how unfair. it felt even more horrible because i had currently felt almost the same. i dragged my feet up my room for a "nap" and spent the next hour just crying.

i was a huge shawol from amigo until hello. because he had started basically all of their title tracks during that time, he was the first one i had focused on. honestly though, once i saw him i had been so captivated that i didn't notice the other boys very much until the choruses started (nothing on you, guys. i was just your standard 13 year old fangirl in love). he had this boyish handsomeness to him back then, of course, but there was something captivating about him. a combination of a voice with a grit and charisma that i've never, and still haven't really heard before, and a confidence in all his movements and facial expressions. for years, nobody was able to come close to capturing the way he sang replay (good on you, ateez).

i digress.

i'm not really sure why i've suddenly decided to speak up after so long. maybe it's because things have started to feel difficult again, maybe it's because the start of this decade has been an absolute shitshow for all of the world. that it has brought about some of both the best and worst of society. i don't know.

what i do know though, is that jonghyun and his words, whether spoken or sung, and just the man himself never fail to bring about a comfort and smile to my face. i'll admit that this blog mainly runs on a queue. that i often have too many other things in the past year and a half to give as much attention into it as i'd used to. this isn't my main blog, either, and i've noticed that a lot of the blogs i followed that had dozens upon dozens of him have deactivated. i don't currently have any plans to do the same myself, but even if i eventually stop either permanently or extensively, i would still keep this blog. it has a lot of things that are incredibly precious to me.

anyway, as this year finally comes to a close, i hope all of you have managed to make it through. whether or not things have become more difficult for you, i know you're strong because you've been able to make it all the way to present day. just as he had worked hard all the way until the very end, i know you continue to work hard yourself. i won't lie, life has and continues to seem like a burden for me these past few months, but i will work hard as well.

our lovely jonghyun, we will always love and never forget you. you are our beautiful and comforting moon, shinee's center and main vocalist, your sister and mother's beloved boy, roo's older brother, a close friend to those around you, an unforgettable person to so many—the list goes on. thank you for everything you are and what you have done for the world around you. you've worked hard and you've done more than just well.

thank you for reading this far, let us do the same.

— yours, c.

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