#but i just got like 60 fucking capsules of the name brand thinking it was the ones that work for me when they're NOT :(

[threecheersmaka]

Pretty sure I made my pharmacists think I’m a fucking junkie so that’s great 😐

#im a fucking moron and got the name brand vs generic adhd meds mixed up #cause APPARENTLY the generic meds are the ones that work for me and not the name brands #but i just got like 60 fucking capsules of the name brand thinking it was the ones that work for me when they're NOT :( #and bc i already ordered them and bought them i can't swap them out #and i ordered SIXTY FUCKING CAPSULES #so now I can't get my meds for the next two fucking months #and i was freaking out and asking if there was anything i could do to swap them #but there isn't since its a controlled substance #so now i have 60 capsules of a useless medication on hand #and the pharmacist was being a dick and going like 'uhhh there shouldn't be a difference 🤨🤨' #except there fucking is and idk how the hell to explain it #like there is a difference in the manufacturing and i guess my body absorbs one better than the other #anyways and now they probably think im a junkie cause the generics are the ones you can snort #and the name brands have some kind of anti abuse thing done to them so you cant snort them #i mean like. i have snorted my meds before lmao but i don't usually like doing that #i just want the ones thatll work for me since its finals season :( #and also theyre really good for helping with my emotional regulation issues #like i would not have almost burst into tears in the middle of the pharmacy if these stupid name brand ones actually worked #shut up maka

[twiststreet]

“This is the end of the Savage Critics.”

The great Brian Hibbs has shut down the site where I’d toss in little write-em-ups, a few times every year, for the last... huh, it turns out it was 10 years in July.  (Oh god, I’m ollllllld).  I’ve already sent him my thank you note, but should probably note the site’s passing further on here.  

It was a site I enjoyed reading before I wrote for it.  And... boy, I don’t know.  I just have a whole bunch of weird little memories tied up in it:  people who got angry; other people who ... also got angry;  people who got, like, repetitively angry at what I was doing and who I could probably have said a bunch of mean things back to but never did because I’m a better person than they are hahahahaha; comic creators who’d talk about how I “needed to get punched at bars” on twitter (but the scenario was never them punching me-- it was always me getting punched by random Bar People, that I’m for some reason being inexplicably rude to?? It was all very poorly plotted, but you know, comics writers);  I guess one time Felicia Day said something nice about a thing I wrote about the Batman, and I was like “oh that’s neat” because I liked her sitcom; Eddie Campbell recognized my name once and I think I reacted about as awkwardly as a person can react, and I’m a pretty awkward person so that’s ... that’s an embarrassing memory;  the time I said some truly offensive shit and was like “awww fuck, whoops” and then made it even worse (!) and blah blah blah I’m an idiot (that’s actually like more than once-- and there’s probably a lot of jokes that have not aged well or that I wouldn’t do now); the people I asked to do interviews who said yes (my favorite was Don Glut, who put up with some really dumb questions); the people I asked to do interviews who said yes but then came to their senses and said “my editors would get angry if I answered any of these questions about Ultimates 3” (I thought that dude was cool as hell about it, though-- it wasn’t one of the “big name guys,” on that book, but); the people I asked to do interviews who said yes, then ghosted, then years and years later wrote widely loathed crossovers about the Cosmic Cube, and I was like “ah yes, the guy who ghosted on me *strokes chin*”.  I did a bunch of “interviews” with my buddy and most honorable enemy Mark Sable, where we got to do some professional wrestling schtick-- I liked the WWF of that, though I probably should never have drug him into my crazy...

Mistakes were made. It was fun.  I never really knew how to write an essay or any of that-- but I liked reading them, so.  It was fun trying to do the thing, even if I was just doing fan fiction of real essays for most of that time... (I never got nearly good at capsule reviews, though.  I was the worst at those...).

I wrote less and less every year, given the stresses of everything else-- though, I still had a list of stuff I wanted to write.  I got like 60-80% of a thing done about a single page from Cinder & Ashe lying around here somewhere (awful book, though).  The only thing that was, like, “I want to write that someday” was a big elaborate thing about Dylan Dog comics, and all the middle-aged schlubs in detective fiction, and getting older, that would’ve probably been depressing to write so I never got around to it.  Maybe I’ll find some other place to write all that someday; maybe I won’t; eh.  I still read the site till the end though cause I always thought John Kane was fun times over there.  But.  I wasn’t holding up my end.  (I wish I’d ended on a better one than I did, but oh well...).  

Let me make a list of the favorite write-em-ups from the ... the Savage Critic decade.  Let’s see...

The Skippy write-em-up. That one was fun-- I think I got the tone right on that, or at least consistent, which is pretty rare for me... (I could never stick to a tone, especially before I had this tumblr and that was more of an outlet for me to write weird stuff.  There was one review that was pretty serious and wouldn’t have been so bad, that has this long digression about how moneyshots would work in Care Bear pornography that... I don’t know-- I could’ve done a better job editing some of these...)

This one about Metal Gear Solid 2, the Mazzucchelli City of Glass and Casanova #11-- this one’s a piece of shit, but I just remember  really enjoying the moment I figured out how that one should end.  When I remember the really early ones that I wrote, where I was super-clumsy and didn’t know what I was doing but was just like “wheeee look at me I wrote a hit play”, this is the one that pops in my head first.

Octopus Pie and Conan.  Another fond memory of the (probably shitty) early ones.  I was always happy I jammed those two things together.  That’s a dumb as hell thing to do.  I’d do that “jam two things together” move a couple times-- it’s a fun move.  I probably underestimated Octopus Pie back then, though.    

The one about Scott Pilgrim vol. 5.  I think images are broken there-- a lot of images broke from way back when I was using imageshack-- I’ll have to go back and fix a bunch of them, someday.  Anyways: I think I maybe did okay on that one...?  I think. It’s a blurry memory-- I don’t have it in me to reread any of these, but it’s a happy memory, at least.  I mean, there’s a certain kind of “confessional writing” on the internet I’m not really cut out to do-- so, that was as close to being any kind of personal I probably ever got...

Dark Reign: The List - X-Men #1.  This wasn’t a fun experience, for many different reasons-- this was one of those “golly, I think I got literally everybody angry at me” experiences, and maybe my first one that was that loud.  (A lot of fan-dudes assuming I was a woman and calling me a “psychotic coont.”  That was .... interesting).  But it was clarifying.  (Especially years later when suddenly everyone woke up and decided that being a hero to the oppressed was actually their brand all along.  Imagine the look on my face!).  I remember the people at the time who were the nicest about the situation-- that meant a lot to me at the time, and I guess it’s something what’s stuck with me.  Anyways: I’d write it again.  I’d cut out like 2 bits near the end, and throw in some solid gold dick pics.  But I’d write it again.  

Getting to write about Tim Hensley, on Wally Gropius and Sir Alfred.  That guy’s comics are a joy to write about-- I don’t know that I feel that unequivocally about anybody else.  It’s just fun to talk about those books.

The one about a World War 2 comic.  I liked that one.  Plus, I remember seeing one of the creators sub-tweet about how like “comic critics don’t know what they’re doing” after that one, which is always good sign.  You’re on the right track! (It was never about the comic-- it was about treating the comic as a stepping stone.  I didn’t always live up to that mission statement, but that was always the whole concept...

Getting to write about Tony Scott, during a review of some dumb comic.  Oh man, I remember that being fun as hell to write, once I got the comic out of the way and just got to babble incoherently about Man on Fire or whatever...

Ten Things: Saga.  I remember having gotten that one right, I think.  That was when I was picking out books and trying to write ten things about them.  I tried the ten thing schtick with a couple other books, but I don’t think I was ever as good as that first time out, with Saga.  

Lazarus-- the Worst, Just the Worst. This one has been a GIFT because years later, Lazarus fans googling the book will come across it and leave angry comments, like “FUCK YOU IT’S A GOOD COMIC YOU SUCK” or whatever.  After years!  Like, it’s this fresh wound to them.  I wish I had a half-dozen more like that in the ol’ portfolio, but...

The Beautiful Darkness one.  I remember being happy how that one came out.  I haven’t read it since though so maybe it’s terrible.  But I remember rushing to write about that book-- like, people never talk about how much fun it is to get to do the dance, you know?  But it’s fun!  When it’s good, it’s fun as hell... If you can entertain yourself, anyways...

Inquisition: Bitch Planet #1.  I wish I’d written like 3 times more of these.  But I also ... I wish this one were about half as long.  I just like that part where I got to sit and draw all over pages like John Madden.  That was goddamn fun as hell, and I remember the page-analysis bit came together exactly how I’d hoped on this one.  There’s just too much clutter around it... But oh well.

The Copra one.  I think that’s probably the best one I ever did, where it just came out the way I wanted it to come out.  It took me some years to get around to putting ass in seat to write it, but.  I felt pretty decent about that one.  

Anyways, the rest are not so great-- there’s some real “yeeeesh” ones in there.  But either way, that’s over now.  So.  Thanks again to Brian Hibbs, and everyone else who wrote for that site or said anything nice over there.  Or, heck, thanks to folks who said anything mean, too, since that was part of the fun, sometimes, well not all of them, I mean what the fuck, why would I even be at a violence bar, I’m sophisticated and know things about fanciness, the entire “I get hit in the jaw for being mean about Marvel comics at a bar” storyline just makes no fucking sense, but.  Anyways.  *waves hands confusedly towards ten years* So that happened.  

#Nerd Business.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 5.27.2017 & 5.26.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard hot 100 this week and this week ten years ago

5.26.2007

32) "Straight to the Bank," 50 Cent

There's actually something interesting at the core of this song -- if you make enough money doing your thing to sustain yourself for the rest of your life, what motivates you to keep doing your thing? I understand why 50 Cent wasn't willing to explore that theme, 50 Cent isn't here to offer a treatise on ennui and what creative fulfillment means to him, he's here to point at stacks of money and claim ownership. I think "I've made so much money I don't have to rap anymore" would be a fun twist on the "WE DEFIED INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS TO MAKE OODLES OF CASH!" song. It would've been a weird-ass 50 Cent song, but someone should take that theme and run.

48) "First Time," Lifehouse

See, like, at least 50 had the decency to give us the nugget of a decent song, to present something with a hint that it could be something more. This just is what it is, an alternative/rock song that sounds like a thousand alternative rock songs before it with nothing to say except "love feels nice." But I'm in a weird spot where I'm not sure if I'm reacting to the actual song, or if I'm reacting to the idea of Lifehouse and all the connotations I've attached to the Lifehouse brand. I keep wondering: if this song or something like this made it to the 2017 song, would I find it a refreshing throwback? If some long-forgotten mid-aughts alt-rock track, The Calling's "Our Lives" or whatever, if that found new life amidst the EDM and pop/trap, wouldn't it seem like a fun change of pace, an actual almost-rock song instead of the usual novelty indie track? I'm pretty sure this song is bad, but it might be because being weighed against history means being weighed against the titans, whereas the standards are different (lower) for modern songs, because there's a more limited pool to draw from (five months, as opposed to all of history). Hard to tell if I'm judging this song or the context in which this song is released. We need a control for 2017. America: are you finally ready to give Tonic that second chance?

52) "Anonymous," Bobby Valentino ft./Timbaland

I'm no expert, but I'm reasonably confident that, if you're tryna get with someone, and they don't tell you your name, that means they don't want to fuck you. I don't think you're being #problematic, but I do think you need to do better at picking up on signals, Bobby. They're not even giving you a FAKE name! It's so easy to give a fake name! "My name's Jamie." Took me two seconds. IT'S SO EASY! If they're not even willing to do that, they just want you to stop talking to them! You're not being #problematic, that would be a bridge too far, but you need to do a better job of picking up signals. You can't make a song about how you can't even get someone to tell you their name. They rejected you, dude. Move on. (Maybe if it were the next day, when you spent a night dancin' and romancin' but they left before anything sexy could happen, and you're trying to track them down but can't find them because you can't remember their name? That'd be a cool thing! This legit sounds like dude doesn't know someone said 'no,' and not in a shitty "I heard yes!" Robin Thickey way, just a dunderheaed boy-just-don't-get-it way.)

72) "Tambourine," Eve

The least 2007 could do after shoving Timbaland down my throat was give me a Swizz chaser. I greatly enjoyed this! One gets why this song fell from the consciousness, it's a jam but it's not the song that gets the party started, y'know? And like all songs named after an instrument, there is not enough of the titular instrument in the track. I don't necessarily want it to sound like a second grade band performance, but I should have heard more tambourine than I did. But, yeah, hot party jam, always down for a well-executed version of a song with simple goals.

79) "Same Girl," R. Kelly & Usher

This song is fun, it's a foundational block of my relationship with my older sister, and it wasn't worth however many lives it cost to keep R. Kelly's name alive in our hearts.

83) "Vulnerable," Secondhand Serenade

more like glove-compartment admittance. for all i know, secondhand serenade probably actually did get big on myspace and i'm about to accurately describe this song, but this sounds like some fucking dude made a song in 20 minutes using his computer, uploaded it to myspace, and spent 4 hours picking out the right picture of him looking forlorn to put on his profile. you can hear the label executives looking at his picture and agreeing he's an 8, which is perfect -- hot enough to induce swooning, but just enough of an uggo to be approachable, impossible. ...oh no. oh no oh no it got me it got me run it got me you have to run you have to RUN BEFORE YOU CATCH IT TOO.

85) "I Don't Wanna Stop," Ozzy Osbourne

GOD YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE HOW AWFUL BUTTROCK IS UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO A REAL-ASS ROCK SONG. Ozzy was fucking 60 and swinging this sledgehammer. This fucking ruled. Remember that Bon Jovi nonsense from last week? THIS is how you do a late-career single. You fucking just remind people you've been doing this shit for 40 years by making a song you can only write with 40 years of experience under your belt. I heard the Bon Jovi song, I just heard a song. I heard this song, I heard Ozzy, I heard Zakk Wylde, I heard years of accrued expertise and experience, I heard fucking character, dude. I'm not even a metal dude, and I'm fucking into this song. This was great. Later, Breaking Benjamin. I can't in good conscience have your lilly ass in the Top 20 if you're gonna say you're in the same genre as this creature.

91) "Like This," MIMS

This is somehow the second track called "Like This" that 2007 has given us. The official music video for this song starts off with the hook for "This Is Why I'm Hot," because I guess the video is trying to give us what we really want. He also mentions "This Is Why I'm Hot" in the first verse, which, that's a bold move, to reference your hit in the second single. It's either swag, because you recorded both songs years ago and knew "This Is Why I'm Hot" would smash so hard that you wanted to give a shout-out to its inevitable success on the album, or it's safety, because you hurried this follow-up out the door and needed to mention the one thing you're ever gonna do. Either way, this song is mediocre 2007 pop/rap. It's as boring and listless as you would imagine the other MIMS song would be.

92) "teachme," Musiq Soulchild

This song about a man admitting that his confinement to traditional gender roles has made him emotionally unavailable and stunted would probably play a lot better in 2017 than I assume it did in 2007. I don't remember this song being that big a thing, but in 2017? Apart from being thrilled that someone in an R&B song is emoting, we'd also be stoked for a song that tacitly acknowledges toxic masculinity. This was pleasant! Musiq Soulchild dropped a song about fuck buddies and another song about the role gender norms played in his emotional upbringing, and I've appreciated all he's done!

94) "I Told You So," Keith Urban

OK this week's a pretty hot one for 2007. This is the fourth jam of the week, already quadruple the amount of jams I thought this week would have, and we haven't even gotten to the song I'm figuring is gonna be a jam. I forgot that sometimes country dude songs could have character! This song has a dope-as-hell instrumental break, an entirely reasonable amount of stops, and hey: Keith Urban? Pretty decent singer! This was rad. I keep forgetting "Alyssa Lies" exists, but were it not for that, this would be the lead contender for Least Worthless Country Dude song. Hell, I might even upgrade the title to "Most Acceptable Country Dude Song," since this and "Alyssa Lies" were both pretty great.

95) "Impacto," Daddy Yankee ft./Fergie

Oh. Oh no. Oh no! ...Oh, oh, I forgot. I forgot Daddy Yankee was once Very Bad. Oh, no. This is -- nothing about this is good. This is someone shouting over a beat that is also, somehow, shouting. I. I am going to stop writing this capsule? Because the longer I am writing about this song, the longer I am making myself thinking about this song, and I just, I'd like to very much not do that anymore.

98) "Get Me Bodied," Beyonce

DO YOU HEAR THIS SHIT, MIMS. THIS IS HOW YOU REFERENCE YOUR DEBUT SINGLE. You wait until you have an impressive catalogue of hits and an unassailable career, and THEN, you can shout out your debut single. Hey everyone did you guess which song I epected to be a jam? TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT. The vocal work on this track is outstanding, like even for a Beyonce song it's ridiculous, there's a couple things Bey does on this track that made me laugh in disbelief. This is probably not even one of the 20 best songs in the extended Beyonce universe, and I'm still riding hard for it.

99) "All Good Things (Come to an End)," Nelly Furtado

so by this logic this song should have lasted forever OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHah we have fun here, but no this song was boring. like i know i have a tendency to check out with the last song of the week for both years, but i think it's justified in this case, because seriously it's timbaland and coldplay on the track, nah dude, i got cheers to watch.

The 2007 Top 20! Beyonce! Ozzy! 18 other songs you’ve been seeing for a while! 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Almost at a point where we can do Top 30s for each year! I don’t know why I comment after the list but here we are!

5.27.2017

64) "Malibu," by Miley Cyrus

This is a song where you have to be at least somewhat invested in the arc of Miley Cyrus' career for it to have maximum emotional impact, and I'm not, I'm very not interested in Miley Cyrus' journey or personal growth. Like, yay, the rich kid finally sobered up and is finally ready to accept the rest of their life with the vast fortune they have accrued, hooray for them, I'm glad something good finally happened to Miley Cyrus.

79) "Every Time I Hear That Song," by Blake Shelton

Oh good a country song about a different and better country song. Always a welcome addition to a chart, this type of song. Four people wrote this song. How does it take four people to listen to The Bro Country Song and say, "Let's do that again!" It's just, I have to come up with something relatively new to say about the same fucking country dude song every week, and meanwhile these four chucklefucks get to rhyme "mind" with "time" and call themselves PROFESSIONAL writers. Life's not fair.

89) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton

"Baby, you can go or you can stay/But I won't love you either way." fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk THIS was that chris stapleton shit i was lookin' for a couple weeks back. i haven't had time to get to from a room yet, not sure if i should do vol. i now or take it in with vol. ii, but god damn, this is what a country song is. this is pain, laid bare and unvarnished, nothing but a guitar between you and this dude's voice, which, i mean, chris stapleton is as born to sing country songs as kendrick is to rap, as beyonce is to sing anything beyonce desires. this is just a solid fucking song, and the entirety of nashville should feel endless shame for thinking anyone else should have had this song.

97) "Drinkin' Problem," by Midland

This was what I was talking about when I was talking about Lifehouse! This song is kind of a throwback, but it's only throwing as far back as Toby Keith, yet even doing an imitation of Toby Keith's occasional dad-humor songs feels so good, feels so right, feels so unlike the bro country song that it counts as a zag for country music. This is a song with clear, discernible influences, for which success seems like a happy accident and not the result of piloting the world's most efficient country hit-making engine! Maybe there's a chance I would find this trite and corny when weighed against the entirety of country music -- and honestly, being the country dude song following Chris Stapleton on the chart, hoof, that I didn't think this sucked should prolly give me a clue as to how great this song really is -- but given that Sam Hunt nothinged his way to the top of this world, I'm willin' to be down with this song.

Top 20! 20) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 19) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 18) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 17) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 16) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 15) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 14) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) Yo, look at “Despacito,” toppin’ the chart! I might have to actually listen to the remix. BUT THE ORIGINAL IS SO GOOOOOOOD THO. I don’t want to listen to Justin Bieber.

Who won?

2007. Great as “Either Way” was, 2007 just had more songs at a more consistent level. Like, “Either Way” is at least half a street ahead of “Get Me Bodied,” but “Drinkin Problem” doesn’t hold a candle to “I Don’t Wanna Stop,” and the other two 2017 entries aren’t worthy of mentioning alongside “teachme.” Easy W. Didn’t think it’d happen, but hey, 2007 was pleasantly surprising! Next week... I see what 2007 has for me next week. Gonna take a huge fuck-up from 2017 to even things up for ol’ 2007. Two Linkin Park songs. Two of them. Guh.

2017: 5 2007: 4